Ugh, I'm a fool!!

[Ssgrimes]

This has been a difficult week for me, a lot of ups and downs. I am working on forgiving myself as well as xMM so that I can have my own closure and healing. I know that I will never have any type of normal closure and I don't want to carry so much negativity around inside me.

 

Stupidly, and I probably did it for my own ego and pride, I made one of my social networking sites unprivate and of course, xMM has to make an acknowledgement to it. It didn't make me feel good like I thought it would, it just made me angry to thnk that he is just waiting to see if I will let him back in the door.

 

The good thing is that it further reinforces that I do not want this man, besides the fact that he is not mine to have... He belongs to someone else.

 

Privacy settings are back up and I don't think that I will be doing that again... I hate th way it makes e feel.

 

NC day 1, here we go again. I am almost more frustrated that I have to start. Y count all over.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This has been a difficult week for me, a lot of ups and downs. I am working on forgiving myself as well as xMM so that I can have my own closure and healing. I know that I will never have any type of normal closure and I don't want to carry so much negativity around inside me.

 

Stupidly, and I probably did it for my own ego and pride, I made one of my social networking sites unprivate and of course, xMM has to make an acknowledgement to it. It didn't make me feel good like I thought it would, it just made me angry to thnk that he is just waiting to see if I will let him back in the door.

 

The good thing is that it further reinforces that I do not want this man, besides the fact that he is not mine to have... He belongs to someone else.

 

Privacy settings are back up and I don't think that I will be doing that again... I hate th way it makes e feel.

 

NC day 1, here we go again. I am almost more frustrated that I have to start. Y count all over.

 

How did he "make" acknowledgement of it? Yes, it was not a wise thing to do. It's so much better not to SEE anything, believe me.

[hippetyhop]

How did he "make" acknowledgement of it? Yes, it was not a wise thing to do. It's so much better not to SEE anything, believe me.

 

I agree. when running my situation past some of my friends, they say blocking on Facebook and whatnot is a bad idea as it ends the friendship as well. it can't work both ways.

[Ssgrimes]

How did he "make" acknowledgement of it? Yes, it was not a wise thing to do. It's so much better not to SEE anything, believe me.

 

He liked a photo that I had put up on Instagram. He just recently signed up for it, post dday, so I didn't know to block him. He was not following me, but he was obviously checking in on it. My photos are back private and he has been blocked.

[Ssgrimes]

I agree. when running my situation past some of my friends, they say blocking on Facebook and whatnot is a bad idea as it ends the friendship as well. it can't work both ways.

 

Hippety

 

Did your friends recommend not blocking on Facebook? I had to block him from my sites because I wanted to avoid he feelings that come up that are associated with him.

 

At this point I am not worried about staying friends. He wants to stay friends so he doesn't look like a "bad guy" but a true friend wouldn't treat me the way he did. He made his choice, and in this situation I am not comfortable with him having a wife and me as a friend. That. Is really not possible in my opinion.

[hippetyhop]

Hippety

 

Did your friends recommend not blocking on Facebook? I had to block him from my sites because I wanted to avoid he feelings that come up that are associated with him.

 

At this point I am not worried about staying friends. He wants to stay friends so he doesn't look like a "bad guy" but a true friend wouldn't treat me the way he did. He made his choice, and in this situation I am not comfortable with him having a wife and me as a friend. That. Is really not possible in my opinion.

 

Yes, they recommended not blocking on FB. It is nothing but a distraction for me with him. Blocking posts won't do any good as his name will still show up if I search for someone with the same initials.

 

I think the only reason why he'd want to stay is friends is so I don't tell his wife. He also thinks his wife is watching his cell phone log, so he still calls me like clockwork I believe for that reason.

[Ssgrimes]

Yes, they recommended not blocking on FB. It is nothing but a distraction for me with him. Blocking posts won't do any good as his name will still show up if I search for someone with the same initials.

 

I think the only reason why he'd want to stay is friends is so I don't tell his wife. He also thinks his wife is watching his cell phone log, so he still calls me like clockwork I believe for that reason.

 

Wow, he is doing an awful lot to make it look like nothing ever happened. That is the type of behavior that has really bothered me lately, all the cover ups. I often wonder if his wife checked the phone logs. To me that would be all the evidence that I think I would need. I would wonder who my husband was texting first thing in the morning And until early hours in th morning. I was often surprised when I know they were doing things as a family and he would text me throughout the day or event.

 

I thought about telling his wife, but I am working to move on and don't really need to be sucked back in. He is too unhappy and seeking of something easy to not go down the same path again, so his "perfect" life will more than likely come shattering down around him and he would be able to lie his way out of it.

[hippetyhop]

Wow, he is doing an awful lot to make it look like nothing ever happened. That is the type of behavior that has really bothered me lately, all the cover ups. I often wonder if his wife checked the phone logs. To me that would be all the evidence that I think I would need. I would wonder who my husband was texting first thing in the morning And until early hours in th morning. I was often surprised when I know they were doing things as a family and he would text me throughout the day or event.

 

I thought about telling his wife, but I am working to move on and don't really need to be sucked back in. He is too unhappy and seeking of something easy to not go down the same path again, so his "perfect" life will more than likely come shattering down around him and he would be able to lie his way out of it.

 

 

I don't think his wife wants to know. I'm not sure the extent of anything, except he told me she's on high alert.

 

Up until she was on high alert, we didn't use regular text messaging or facebook to chat. That was too risky. We used ChatOn. It is just a regular phone app. He since deleted the app. He said he deleted everything from his phone, including all videos/pictures he had. We will chat on FB, but it is on his terms when he can and it is usually just a few messages at night. I used to answer the phone "hey hun", but he asked me to stop just in case she picked. He said this is until everything blows over. When he told me that, I then began "then what?" That is when I decided I needed out.

[Ssgrimes]

I don't think his wife wants to know. I'm not sure the extent of anything, except he told me she's on high alert.

 

Up until she was on high alert, we didn't use regular text messaging or facebook to chat. That was too risky. We used ChatOn. It is just a regular phone app. He since deleted the app. He said he deleted everything from his phone, including all videos/pictures he had. We will chat on FB, but it is on his terms when he can and it is usually just a few messages at night. I used to answer the phone "hey hun", but he asked me to stop just in case she picked. He said this is until everything blows over. When he told me that, I then began "then what?" That is when I decided I needed out.

 

It's a harsh reality when you really open your eyes and "see" everything that was going on and how many hoops had to be jumped through to be together.

 

At the beginning, there were no hoops, we saw each other al soy every day talked all the time,etc. I think she put him on a tighter leash about 6 months ago, that was when I felt we had to go more underground and he seemed to have excuses all the time, as opposed to going out of his way to see me. Once that happened things did change, but I was so wanting it to work, that less than .01% of a chance that we would work. When the anonymous email was sent he went into crazy protect mode and acted like nothing ever happened between us. That was a huge slap in the face to me.

 

If he does contact you after your email, what do you think you will do?

 

We will get through this...

[hippetyhop]

It's a harsh reality when you really open your eyes and "see" everything that was going on and how many hoops had to be jumped through to be together.

 

At the beginning, there were no hoops, we saw each other al soy every day talked all the time,etc. I think she put him on a tighter leash about 6 months ago, that was when I felt we had to go more underground and he seemed to have excuses all the time, as opposed to going out of his way to see me. Once that happened things did change, but I was so wanting it to work, that less than .01% of a chance that we would work. When the anonymous email was sent he went into crazy protect mode and acted like nothing ever happened between us. That was a huge slap in the face to me.

 

If he does contact you after your email, what do you think you will do?

 

We will get through this...

 

That we will get through this.

 

The beginning was nice as well for us. He had a bit more flexibility (due to his job--it was fall when we started) and able to see each other more, meet for lunches, etc. With it being his busy season, I know it is a bit tough for him, but we still made it work. He would say how much he wants to see me, spend time with me, and all that jazz. We had problems seeing each other recently, and he made a remark to me over the phone that "he doesn't know how much longer he can dance her for" I'm taking it as this affair is too much for him. That is why I think ending it would be a relief for him.

 

If he does contact me--I have no idea. I'm not banking on him to contact me. I think he'd be in contact with me once or twice by calling, but that is it. It is just the way he is. I would like to send him my thoughts prior to him going on vaca. Not to be a mean, but, isn't right before his trip, but enough time before and during that I won't hear from him (because I know I can't) for a week and a half or two weeks. Honestly, I see them eventually divorcing, but him being with someone else.

 

What about you?

[kareena]

I don't think doing that makes you a fool,anyone in your position would do that. I'm still friends with "him" on fb and all,we don't communicate but I haven't deleted nor blocked him,I know I probably should but I don't feel ready to do that yet.One question though and just out of curiosity,did you not feel any sort of satisfaction when he liked your pic? I know I would.

[hippetyhop]

Also for FB I would want to block because I can care less if he sees what I am doing, but I don't want to know what he is doing.

 

One more thing--I felt bad chit chatting with him on the phone today knowing how I feel. It was a struggle not to break down and tell him everything. I think I had the perfect chance/opportunity, but I wasn't ready yet to let go.

Edited July 12, 2013 by hippetyhop

[Ssgrimes]

That we will get through this.

 

The beginning was nice as well for us. He had a bit more flexibility (due to his job--it was fall when we started) and able to see each other more, meet for lunches, etc. With it being his busy season, I know it is a bit tough for him, but we still made it work. He would say how much he wants to see me, spend time with me, and all that jazz. We had problems seeing each other recently, and he made a remark to me over the phone that "he doesn't know how much longer he can dance her for" I'm taking it as this affair is too much for him. That is why I think ending it would be a relief for him.

 

If he does contact me--I have no idea. I'm not banking on him to contact me. I think he'd be in contact with me once or twice by calling, but that is it. It is just the way he is. I would like to send him my thoughts prior to him going on vaca. Not to be a mean, but, isn't right before his trip, but enough time before and during that I won't hear from him (because I know I can't) for a week and a half or two weeks. Honestly, I see them eventually divorcing, but him being with someone else.

 

What about you?

 

I could see them divorcing, I don't know if his wife would want to continue to bank roll a cheating husband, or at least someone that she can't trust. She is the breadwinner of the family and he likes the lifestyle that gets him. I see hm doing everything he can to keep her happy, but stay faithful to her...lol.

 

I sent the nc letter before they went on vacation thinking he wouldn't contact me during that time, I was wrong and he sent me a picture from the trip. I get the feeling he is not done with us, but I go back to him wanting to be a nice guy and if we stay friends he doesn't have to think that he hurt me. I can see him trying to figure out a way to contact me once the dust settles down. But I am not really interested in a friendship at this point. I am wanting to close this chapter and start new.

[Ssgrimes]

I don't think doing that makes you a fool,anyone in your position would do that. I'm still friends with "him" on fb and all,we don't communicate but I haven't deleted nor blocked him,I know I probably should but I don't feel ready to do that yet.One question though and just out of curiosity,did you not feel any sort of satisfaction when he liked your pic? I know I would.

 

It did give me some sort of validation, that maybe he didn't play me. But I also thought that if he really wanted to be with me, he would man up and make that decision.

 

It is easier for me to not have to see him. Maybe later I won't be so emotional, but not at this point.

[Ssgrimes]

Also for FB I would want to block because I can care less if he sees what I am doing, but I don't want to know what he is doing.

 

One more thing--I felt bad chit chatting with him on the phone today knowing how I feel. It was a struggle not to break down and tell him everything. I think I had the perfect chance/opportunity, but I wasn't ready yet to let go.

 

Hippity

 

Did you not send the email? Did you give any sort of inclination of how you felt when you spoke to him?

[hippetyhop]

Hippity

 

Did you not send the email? Did you give any sort of inclination of how you felt when you spoke to him?

 

I have not sent it yet. I posted a draft of it today on the board. I'm torn as to which way to go on it--whether throw in my emotions, or short, sweet, to the point. It'll likely be a combination of both.

 

I did not. I'm under the impression he thinks everything is fine and dandy.

[hippetyhop]

 

It is easier for me to not have to see him. Maybe later I won't be so emotional, but not at this point.

 

Throughout this, don't forget--you are allowed to have emotions and cry. It is healthy.

 

I don't know what I am in for re. this, but I have a feeling it won't be pretty. I'll be spending quite some time on this board.

[hippetyhop]

It's a harsh reality when you really open your eyes and "see" everything that was going on and how many hoops had to be jumped through to be together.

 

 

And the hoops he is going through to make sure the A keeps going on. I'm wondering if he hasn't ended it yet bc he's afraid I'd go blab to her. Right now, he is asking me not to pick up any unknown calls or nos. I don't know, not text him/fb message him first, when I answer his calls, make sure I start with "hello" and not "hey hun" just in case it is her, and other miscellaneous things. He said it is to protect my interests...yeah, right.

[Ssgrimes]

Throughout this, don't forget--you are allowed to have emotions and cry. It is healthy.

 

I don't know what I am in for re. this, but I have a feeling it won't be pretty. I'll be spending quite some time on this board.

 

Oh I have done my share of crying... Not so much now, but I will occasionally still have a moment. I go through all the things I want to say and am working through it with counseling. That's where the forgiveness comes from. It's easier to detach when you aren't carrying a lot of anger and i can start to release his control on me.

[hippetyhop]

Oh I have done my share of crying... Not so much now, but I will occasionally still have a moment. I go through all the things I want to say and am working through it with counseling. That's where the forgiveness comes from. It's easier to detach when you aren't carrying a lot of anger and i can start to release his control on me.

 

The thing with my MM is that I don't have an anger towards him. I do not hold any hostility either. I am just exhausted from the games that I got myself into and I need out. It will be hell when I let him know. I know I'm not prepared to let go, but, when is there a good time before it is too late? I feel bad and selfish for wanting to end the affair.

 

I think every day I spend talking to him is just another day longer it'll take me to heal.

[Ssgrimes]

The thing with my MM is that I don't have an anger towards him. I do not hold any hostility either. I am just exhausted from the games that I got myself into and I need out. It will be hell when I let him know. I know I'm not prepared to let go, but, when is there a good time before it is too late? I feel bad and selfish for wanting to end the affair.

 

I think every day I spend talking to him is just another day longer it'll take me to heal.

 

I wouldn't say that I am angry, but am very hurt. That is what I am trying to get past. To get over the hurt I have to be willing to forgive, him and myself.

 

I think once I put that thought in my head I was able to cope a little easier. I still think about him, wishing that we could go back to being just friends, but I know that probably won't happen and i have to be ok with that. You don't just snap out of loving a man and this seems to be even more difficult.

 

I was exhausted also. I felt like I was working and working and working for nothing really. I was telling myself that it was ok. In reality, it's not ok and not fair to us.

 

When you send the email it will hurt like hell, but it will also put you on the path to healing. Say what you need to say, block him if you want, but know that you are very vulnerable and will you be strong enough to just not acknowledge anynreply, if there is one. You are a strong person and that strength will come out.

 

Hugs

[hippetyhop]

I wouldn't say that I am angry, but am very hurt. That is what I am trying to get past. To get over the hurt I have to be willing to forgive, him and myself.

 

I think once I put that thought in my head I was able to cope a little easier. I still think about him, wishing that we could go back to being just friends, but I know that probably won't happen and i have to be ok with that. You don't just snap out of loving a man and this seems to be even more difficult.

 

I was exhausted also. I felt like I was working and working and working for nothing really. I was telling myself that it was ok. In reality, it's not ok and not fair to us.

 

When you send the email it will hurt like hell, but it will also put you on the path to healing. Say what you need to say, block him if you want, but know that you are very vulnerable and will you be strong enough to just not acknowledge anynreply, if there is one. You are a strong person and that strength will come out.

 

Hugs

 

I'm glad to hear you are finding your peace and I hope the IC is helping you. I know I will be down and out for a bit, I'm not that emotionally vacant. I know that friends is not an option to fully move on.

 

I can relate to your post, almost verbatim. I often think "why am I so nice to him if it won't go anywhere?"

 

As for the email, after I send it I plan on blocking him from FB automatically. The only downside is I do not know how long until he checks his email even though I know it is popped to my phone. I'm not sure if I should send him a text that says "sent you something via email you need to look at" and take it from there?

[Ssgrimes]

That's not usually due to his wife suddenly putting him on a tighter leash. More than likely, he got to the point where the risk was no longer worth the reward. In the beginning, it was worth it, but after the thrill wears off a little, they usually stop taking such foolish chances.

 

Very good point.... Just another reality that you don't want to have to think about.