I was the cheater

[Confusedaboutmybrain]

Me and my ex split up about 2 years ago mutually after 8 years together, but more recently I've been suffering with severe anxiety about what I did while I was with him.

 

I cheated on him. It was one time and I have regretted it since.

 

Last night, I told him about what I did. He was angry and upset and told him not to message him again, which I can completely understand and was expecting.

 

Is there anything I can do to show him how much regret I have over it? I know he needs space and stuff. Should I just try and forget and move on?

[nescafe1982]

Why even bother telling someone you are with anymore (and haven't been with for a long time) that you betrayed them? It just seems senseless to me.

 

"Coming clean" isn't a good excuse, because honestly (and pardon my frankness) it's not going to make *them* fell any better.

[drifter777]

If he wants to try to work things out he'll let you know. Leave him alone.

[Confusedaboutmybrain]

I needed to tell him cause he had a right to know what I did to him.

[AllTooWell]

In this sense I think you told him to hurt him.

 

If you've felt so guilty about it, why didn't you come clean in the 8 years you were together? Because it was a lot more important DURING YOUR RELATIONSHIP than it is TWO YEARS LATER..

 

 

 

Nothing you can do now. You told him. It's done. You need to leave him alone. You should never have cheated on him in the first place, but you are already broken up. He has probably lost respect for you. Just leave him alone.

[Space Ritual]

I needed to tell him cause he had a right to know what I did to him.

 

After being split up for two years you approach him and tell him that you cheated on him because you had some crisis of conscience?

 

He had a right to know YEARS ago not last night.

 

Pretty much a terribly selfish act on your part seeking some kind of absolution and needlessly adding insult to injury. Nothing like waiting two years to twist a knife into somebody.

 

NOW you ask "Is there anything I can do to make it up to him?

 

There is....if you ever cared about him you will never contact him again....

[nescafe1982]

I needed to tell him cause he had a right to know what I did to him.

 

Actually, what you did was cruel. You guys aren't together anymore anyway, and the only one who stands to feel better after this revelation is you. It was pretty selfish, actually.

 

Sure, he had a "right" to know... but did he need to know?

[JDPT]

Not to be rude but I'm not certain what the point was of you disclosing this to him after 2 years of being broken up. Leave it be, heal and let him heal, there isn't anything you can do to make this better. In other words just leave him alone and seek assistance to help you deal with the guilt you have inside.

[Confusedaboutmybrain]

I feel worse for telling him. You're all right. He did have a right to know, but he didn't need to know.

 

I'm just going to have to deal with this and hope he forgives me.

 

I'm such an idiot.

[xilver]

I think you did the right thing by being honest. I don't see that you did it to hurt him. You did it because it was tearing you up. Of course he is going to be hurt and betrayed by it, but when he thinks about he will realize that even though you made a mistake, you respected him enough to tell him even though it likely meant losing him forever. Now what you did may be so bad that he can never forgive you still but at least you have a clear conscious and can finally move forward. I know I would rather know something like that so I can decide whether to keep this person as a friend or not.

[Space Ritual]

I think you did the right thing by being honest. I don't see that you did it to hurt him. You did it because it was tearing you up. Of course he is going to be hurt and betrayed by it, but when he thinks about he will realize that even though you made a mistake, you respected him enough to tell him even though it likely meant losing him forever. Now what you did may be so bad that he can never forgive you still but at least you have a clear conscious and can finally move forward. I know I would rather know something like that so I can decide whether to keep this person as a friend or not.

 

 

Wrong lane changes and picking up the wrong brand of toothpaste at the store is a mistake.

 

Cheating is a conscious decision...your post assumes this person accidentally slipped on a banana peel and fell on another mans erect penis.

 

This was the OP's attempt to assuage her own guilt at the expense of another who has not been in a relationship with her for two years.

[soccerrprp]

I think you did the right thing by being honest. I don't see that you did it to hurt him. You did it because it was tearing you up. Of course he is going to be hurt and betrayed by it, but when he thinks about he will realize that even though you made a mistake, you respected him enough to tell him even though it likely meant losing him forever. Now what you did may be so bad that he can never forgive you still but at least you have a clear conscious and can finally move forward. I know I would rather know something like that so I can decide whether to keep this person as a friend or not.

 

Wow, I have mixed feelings about this and most of it is not to congratulate the OP.

 

You told him to make YOU feel better. You must have known that it would not make him feel better and that it was essentially unimportant for him to know after 2-years!!!

 

I agree with some of the others. It was cruel, way too late, selfish and you have now added another, unnecessary reason for him to be bitter, suspicious of women. Honesty is important, but not 2-years after a relationship has ended.

 

BTW, who ended the relations in the past? You and why?

[nescafe1982]

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. This is a valuable lesson you've learned. Your cheating was so far in the past that it's irrelevant, and I'm sure you realise that the guilt you were feeling motivated you to tell him, in an attempt to allieviate it, rather than any information that he required.

 

Yes. My original response was very candid, and I'm pleased you see that the action was cruel and self-motivated, but consider it an important lesson in relating to others. In these days so few people truly understand or stop to think about the ways their actions can hurt others. BUT- you did the wrong thing (telling him) for what you thought was the right reason. You are not stupid or bad; you just made a hurtful decision. Learn from the unpleasant experience but don't forget to be kind to yourself too.

 

Move on, let him decide whether you two can be friends in the future. The way I see it that ball is in his court now.

[sayyes19]

Whats the point? You split 2 years ago. Are you trying to get him back or something?

 

Honestly, if I were him, I wouldn't have been angry. If someone I broke up with, especially 2 years ago, told me that she cheated on me, I'd actually be relieved that I made the right decision to no longer be with her. Of course the anger could simply come from the feeling of being played for a fool. But still, it would reinforce why I'm no longer with her.

 

Just move on and leave him alone.

 

Agreed. I actually wish a few girlfriends had told me this earlier to relieve me of a bunch of feeling bad.

[2sunny]

Next time you're in a relationship - try acting with honor. Ty being honest hil you are in the relationship.