OW Gaslighting? Future faking? OR?

[LilGirlandOW]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

[veryhappy]

Future faking at its bestest. It keeps you hoping that he's working on that way of getting out of the M. What he's really saying is "don't leave me, I'm not going to be with you in a regular relationship, but you're kind of fun and passionate and I like having you...as a side piece".

 

The passionate kiss...made me get out of the anger I carry for a bit and remember why I was so into him. Well, unfortunatelly people survive without passion.

[youngnlove89]

Sounds to me like he is just saying those things so no one else can have you. Kind of like a dog peeing on a tree. Control. Selfishness. Insecurity.

 

Don't get it yet?

 

In other words...He wants his cake and to eat it too. It seems like your mind is a little fuzzy wuzzy and can't grasp that this guy is setting your butt on fire and blasting you into the clouds to day dream about things that will NEVER happen!! NEVER. EVER.

 

He knows you won't speak up. He knows all he has to do is passionately kiss you and SAY utter pretentious nonsense and you will fall into it like a fat kid in Norwegian chocolate. Gobble Gobble.

 

The "I love you's" The "baby this" or "baby that" the "passionate kissing"...What has he done for you? What has he given up for you? You question his intentions a lot and probably this "love" he so claims to have. Do you know what people do for those they love?

 

ANYTHING. EVERYTHING.

 

If you are some "hot chick" like these men claim, go out and find someone worthy of your time and love. This guy clearly isn't it!

 

Do you copy?

[MissBee]

It's a competition between him and his friend, to stroke his ego, showing that he could snag you...it's NOT about you. He's upset that his friend thinks he doesn't have that much game and lucked out....this is actually insulting to you! It's not at all about his love for you...but him telling you you're his SO and he loves you blah blah is to butter you up so that he can prove his friend wrong. It's a penis size competition between him and his friend, and you're in the middle.

 

This man is a loser...plain and simple. A loser who needs to prove something...and you're making it easy for him. I'm sorry Lil, but frankly, after he did what he did when he left you for dead, and you're still meeting up and swooning at kisses and his stupid bullshhiiit about his friend....I'm just very disappointed and sad for you.

 

I hope you wise up soon.

[LilGirlandOW]

MissBee,

 

I never thought of it that way, interesting, it felt that a very sincere moment, so i had to share as I know I'm not in the right state of mind to decode anything right now

 

Thank you for your take on this

[CALOVELY]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

You know, you aren't listening to a word anybody here is saying and yet you keep asking inane questions. Is it either to gain sympathy or is it to stroke your ego? It sure isn't to listen to the sage advice from others who have walked in your shoes or have seen others in them. Yeah we get it, you are so hot that the sun doesn't stand a chance, your MM wants you so badly, loves you until the end of time, yada, yada yet who did he leave to cover his own ass? That would be you. What does that tell you? If you take no other advice, take this from me: protect yourself from your ex-husband and tell your MM to shove off. Then get in to counseling and figure out why any of this was acceptable to you.

[MissBee]

Youngnlove made some good points:

 

Besides kisses, sex, and sweet words, what does/has MM done to prove he loves and values you and you're his significant other?

 

When you really needed him, he bailed...vanished...and then texted you. Why is texting i.e. more words sooooo valuable to you over actions? What do you look for in a man? What actual qualities would you like in a boyfriend? What role would you like a boyfriend to play in your life? Does MM live up to it?

 

This man has it MADE! He can do the bare minimum and you're swooning. A picnic, hike, kisses and ILYS are cute...they're sweet...but do not a relationship make. You're missing sooooo much more of the real, important things yet you are content. I again implore you to go to IC and work through your former abuse issues and your current situation, as with introspection and some help, I think you may come to have much higher standards and realize this situation is rubbish wrapped in a pretty bow.

[LilGirlandOW]

I apologize I do appreciate everybodys imput the good/bad and ugly. I guess loving him I hope that we could be one of the ones who come out on the other end together... I know it doesnt happen often, but it happens...

 

I'm trying to be a good person, not leading anybody on or betraying anybody I care about..... I lost my head a long time ago and trying to put the puzzle together, maybe I am emotionally dependent on MM because of all the fires he lights under my ass?

 

p.s. I dont consider myself gods gift to men, my self esteem/image is horrible, always has been.... aside from being physically fit (which i work my ass off for) I dont look in the mirror and see a 10, and not because of MM, but thats just always how i've been..

[threelaurels]

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

He can leave his marriage at any time. If he can't afford a divorce, he can get a seperation until he can afford it. He chooses not to leave because his life is comfortable. If MM has never even met with a divorce attorney, he has no idea how much it would cost him to divorce. He has given you no timeline for his leaving, only vague promises that he will one day whisk you off into the sunset and live happily ever after. If that isn't future faking, I don't know what is.

[MissBee]

Lil, I think if you've always had low self-esteem and have been in an abusive relationship, your man picker is way off and will continue to be off until you do some self-work. Your choice in MM reflects low self-esteem, and yours is a story where most people from all sides, who even if they don't always agree, concur that he is a loser. It's not even about if you will end up together...it's WHY WHY WHY would you want to end up with him?

 

Again: what qualities are important to you in a man? What qualities does MM possess besides the words he says and kissing that are good qualities for a relationship? Do you even have standards or do you simply fall for any man who says you're pretty and he loves you?

 

Your MM doesn't respect you....I know this. Your ex-husband didn't either and still doesn't. The guy who you went on a date with who choked you also had no respect for you. Lil...no man you're around respects you and you allow it. You still keep wishing somehow you will have a wonderful love story with MM. You won't with him or ANYONE until you work on you....believe me. Our issues attract romantic partners who are a match for them. Women with low self-esteem and low-self worth attract men who devalue them, disrespect them, feel they can hit them, and do whatever they want and these men are confident that this woman knows no better so will stay. Report your ex-husband, dump MM, go into IC...that's the start off self-respect and being able to later have a good relationship which is loving, respectful, honest and what you're worth!

[tryingto]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

I can only provide my input and it is based on my experience.... so here goes...

 

My exMM really turned up the "I love you"s, the making promises, being even more romantic and telling me the sweetest things after he felt me become increasingly dissatisfied with the state of our relationship. I am very easy to read and he knew the A was beginning to take a toll on me. I was beginning to pull away and distance myself from him emotionally. He became even more vocal about his love and his promises in attempts to keep me in the relationship. I'm not saying he didn't mean them at the time but he was definitely trying to "woo" me back. And for a period of time it worked, until I became tired of the "all talk, no action" that defines so many affairs.

 

Based upon your recent posts, I can only guess your MM has sensed you are beginning to distance yourself from him. I am assuming that he can tell you are less content with the relationship than you once were. I believe his motivation is to try pull you back in and make you happy with the relationship as it stands now, as an affair. It definitely doesn't appear that he is taking any action (or will be taking any action) to change it from an affair to a relationship where it is only just the two of you.

Edited July 12, 2013 by tryingto

[CALOVELY]

I apologize I do appreciate everybodys imput the good/bad and ugly. I guess loving him I hope that we could be one of the ones who come out on the other end together... I know it doesnt happen often, but it happens...

 

I'm trying to be a good person, not leading anybody on or betraying anybody I care about..... I lost my head a long time ago and trying to put the puzzle together, maybe I am emotionally dependent on MM because of all the fires he lights under my ass?

 

p.s. I dont consider myself gods gift to men, my self esteem/image is horrible, always has been.... aside from being physically fit (which i work my ass off for) I dont look in the mirror and see a 10, and not because of MM, but thats just always how i've been..

 

I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm trying to shake some sense in to your brain. Take a step back, a really big step back and look at the situation for what it is. Then ask yourself would you want your child, mother, sister or friend in it? If the answer is no, then why the hell is it okay for you?!

 

I'm the (former) queen of low self esteem. I allowed men in my earlier life to beat the hell out of me or threaten to do so. I was in a constant state of unrest and fear. Despite what you might think right now, your STBXH isn't the only abuser in your life, your MM very much is. He is abusing your self worth, your confidence, your heart and above all your sense of well being. You're not right right now and he knows it. You are so fearful of losing this guy that you will do whatever it takes to keep him. He knows this hon and don't think for a second he isn't playing on it. Telling some chump friend how hot you are and high fiving over you is what he told you. Guess what men like this REALLY say to their equally disgusting friends? "I left her to get used as a punching bag and she still wants to screw me/be with me". High fives all around from the douche bros.

 

I really worry about you. He is piling on the abuse and compounding what you have already gone through. I sincerely mean it when I say you need help. Again, ask yourself if this situation would be acceptable to you if it was some other woman you cared about?

[KathyM]

You remind me of my sister in many ways, when she was involved with a MM at age 17-19. She was very naïve and fell for every line he fed her. He kept telling her how beautiful she was, how she could become a movie star, how much he loved her and wanted her. And she lapped up every word he threw out there, never having a mind of her own or questioning anything he said. He used her for sex, and for money, but proclaimed all this love and adulation for her. She gave him all her money, to help him out with expenses, and allowed herself to be used as a sex toy, hoping he will leave his wife. As soon as the **** hit the fan and the wife found out, he dumped her and moved with his family halfway across the country. Well, good riddance to him, but the way he used her and disrespected her, all the while showering her with these over-the-top professions of love and flattery, really burns me up. You don't see these men for what they are--users who don't have respect for women. Not their wife and not their girlfriend. If they had respect or genuine love for either, they wouldn't be in this situation of trying to juggle both.

[CALOVELY]

You remind me of my sister in many ways, when she was involved with a MM at age 17-19. She was very naïve and fell for every line he fed her. He kept telling her how beautiful she was, how she could become a movie star, how much he loved her and wanted her. And she lapped up every word he threw out there, never having a mind of her own or questioning anything he said. He used her for sex, and for money, but proclaimed all this love and adulation for her. She gave him all her money, to help him out with expenses, and allowed herself to be used as a sex toy, hoping he will leave his wife. As soon as the **** hit the fan and the wife found out, he dumped her and moved with his family halfway across the country. Well, good riddance to him, but the way he used her and disrespected her, all the while showering her with these over-the-top professions of love and flattery, really burns me up. You don't see these men for what they are--users who don't have respect for women. Not their wife and not their girlfriend. If they had respect or genuine love for either, they wouldn't be in this situation of trying to juggle both.

 

Preach it sister! These men really are users and abusers. I've never experienced infidelity within my marriage (I hope) but I have seen plenty in my 41 years on Earth. I have concluded that MM are the worst in the infidelity chain as MW typically leave their marriages, not gaslight the hell out of somebody for years. MM will literally say anything to keep the OW around. Lie, continue to lie, lie some more and when backed against a wall, lie even further. I used to work in an all male dominated industry and the garbage I heard made me want to rip my ears off. These buttholes just fist bumped each other over what they could score/nail/pretend to love/lie to/keep in the dark/feed a line of garbage and not one of them would ever in a trillion years leave their wives for these women. It made my blood boil. They are jerks of the highest order and while I disagree with cheating/being an OW, I felt tremendous sympathy for the OW dynamic. These women made these *******s their life and for what? Why do/did we as women make an unworthy man the center of our lives? A guy who hurts us, abuses us and lies to us. We're damn well better than that.

 

**Note, I've never been an OW but I sure as heck have allowed men to abuse my body, mind and soul until I said enough, got help and picked myself up. Never again, ever.**

[jlola]

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

 

We all want to be validated and we all want to feel special. Hearing the "You are too hot for me" line and all of my buddies think I'm lucky makes some women feel special.

 

This only makes you try harder to soothe his insecurities. To put up with his lousy behavior and excuses. Because after all, the poor dear is so worried and insecure about you leaving him he may act badly at times.

 

I and many women I know have had this thrown out at us. It serves the purpose of "pity". Feeling sorry for him also.

 

He is getting his ego stroked at the same time.

 

Women seem to love being with a man who thinks she is too hot for him.

 

I heard this line on Tyra once:) We pay for compliments. We get a compliment, we try to prove we are worthy. It actually benefits the person dishing it out ,more than the one receiving it.

 

Nothing makes a woman hold on longer than to a man she thinks will worship her because he thinks he cannot do any better.

 

But guess what? One day, you will look back at this man and realize the reason some people are surprised he can get such a prize as you is because they are not looking at him through the same eyes as you.

 

They are looking at him realistically. One day, your pink glasses will come off(hopefully you are not then married to him) and you will not be as impressed as you are now.

 

Longing for him is high, the "love chemicals" high, the little window of time together makes you high, the rollercoaster only makes you want this man more. But when all calms down, you will see he is no prize.

 

I have been there.

[whichwayisup]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

He's telling you what you want to hear, giving you hope and a reason to stick around. He *may* mean what he tells you in the heat of the moment, but once at home, all what he told you goes out the window.

 

Bottom line is, if a man wants to divorce, he will just do it. People divorce ALL the time and don't waste months and months if they truly want out. They just do it as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Your MM is happy having an A with you and happy to still be married.

[jlola]

You remind me of my sister in many ways, when she was involved with a MM at age 17-19. She was very naïve and fell for every line he fed her. He kept telling her how beautiful she was, how she could become a movie star, how much he loved her and wanted her. And she lapped up every word he threw out there, never having a mind of her own or questioning anything he said. He used her for sex, and for money, but proclaimed all this love and adulation for her. She gave him all her money, to help him out with expenses, and allowed herself to be used as a sex toy, hoping he will leave his wife. As soon as the **** hit the fan and the wife found out, he dumped her and moved with his family halfway across the country. Well, good riddance to him, but the way he used her and disrespected her, all the while showering her with these over-the-top professions of love and flattery, really burns me up. You don't see these men for what they are--users who don't have respect for women. Not their wife and not their girlfriend. If they had respect or genuine love for either, they wouldn't be in this situation of trying to juggle both.

 

 

I have a younger cousin who is absolutely stunning. Plus she is in med school. She has been with a loser for almost 3 years. He has no ambition, but he knows how to make her feel sorry for him. I have spoken with her and she said he always tells her he cannot believe a woman as beautiful as her would even talk to him. She thinks it's sweet . He tells her she is his world. He gives her over the top romance and is a bit dramatic. I just hope she wakes up one day and sees his manipulation. You are correct Kathy, the over the top profession of love and flattery is what keeps my cousin there.

 

Ironically, as I said before,she cannot see him through her rose colored glasses. But one day she will. Hopefully before she marries him. Stop listening to words and watch the actions!

[xxoo]

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO

 

He's laying claim to you, while he has a wife. You should have told him that you'll be his SO when he's single, but since he's married, you are quite single. Show some standards for yourself! Don't set the bar so low.

 

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

Ewwww. How old is this guy and his friend? This is seriously disrespectful, plus it sounds like the reason he is pushing the lovey-dovey stuff is that his friend put the idea in his head that he's not hot enough to keep your interest for long.

[Quiet Storm]

Mm friend is right...he knows mm isn't worthy. Why don't you?

 

You are hot and could likely have any single man. And yet you choose this one. Why did you attach yourself to this man? Look at his character!

 

No amount of kind words could erase the fact that he left you alone with a crazy man.

 

Why is this losers attention so valuable you?

 

Your outside is hot, attractive, vibrant, sensual, sexy. But what about your insides? Why can't you see that you deserve more than this? Why are you validated by his words, when his actions reflect the opposite? Why is this "connection" with a jerk so special?

 

It would be beneficial for you to explore that.

 

Sometimes our quest to feel good & happy lead us down the.wrong path. I know you love mm. I know you want him. I just wish that you could see it from the outside. Feelings and emotions can cloud our vision. But you can be smart and learn your weaknesses. You can teach yourself to avoid men like this. Attraction does not equal love. He is not good for you. He'll drag you down. Why settle when you can have so much more?

Edited July 13, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[canuckprincess]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

I feel like we're dating the same mm lol. Mine has called me his ow (only woman) I also know he tells me what he thinks I want to hear so he can hold on to me as long as possible. That being said he gaslights and future fakes his wife and I. I truly believe my mm just happens to love two woman and will do whatever it takes to keep us both.

[KathyM]

I feel like we're dating the same mm lol. Mine has called me his ow (only woman) I also know he tells me what he thinks I want to hear so he can hold on to me as long as possible. That being said he gaslights and future fakes his wife and I. I truly believe my mm just happens to love two woman and will do whatever it takes to keep us both.

It's not love, to lie, cheat on and betray the woman he supposedly loves. That is the most unloving, uncaring, disrespectful thing a man could do to his wife. It's not love to make a woman settle for breadcrumbs and second class while he goes home to his wife night after night, month after month, year after year. Neither of those behaviors, the way he is treating his wife, or the way he is treating you, are loving behaviors. That is the opposite of love. That is selfishness and lack of caring about anyone but himself.

[LimeBlue]

I agree with the other posters - future faking.

 

It is a similar situation with a friend of mine recently. He told me that he never wants to lose my friendship, yet in the very next sentence said that we have to cut contact so he can work on his life. Contradiction at its best, and just a way of letting me down gently.

 

Don't believe it. Learn to see through it and for what it really is, you will save yourself much heartache.

[Got it]

So today, I met my MM for a picnic and hike, it was really nice and relaxing. He told me he had somethings to say to me.

 

He met me at one of our favorite hiking spots, grabbed my face in his hands and we shared the most passionate kiss ever, amazing

 

So we walked hand in hand, he tells me that I'm his SO, if he could figure out a way to get out of M then he would do it in a heartbeat... he hopes with his new position that "getting out" will be easier (blah blah blah)... he wanted to clarify that I'm the only woman he's loved in many many years and that he doesnt want to loose me....?

 

I thought hey this is strange only because his tone was almost.....sad? too relaxed? somber? It just felt like he was off... I asked him if everything was ok.

 

Apparently he confided in a friend about me, his friend he said basically gave him a "high 5" on being able to "seduce" me into being with him.... I know this friend as well, although only of him. he says friend said theres no way someone as "hot" as me would ever commit to him and summed it up as my MM being lucky for now.

 

He says that made him upset, so he needed me to know that I'm his SO, and wanted to know how I felt about that, etc.

 

This is absolut;ly where I shoulda laid down the issues I'm having with the A, but I got caught in the moment and didnt mention it...

 

Thoughts?

 

Some kinda OW gaslighting going on? future faking? or?

 

I want to believe him cause I love him, but love can cause a fog so thick you need a double edge swoard to see through...

 

So,

 

Thoughts?

 

Lil, it could be all talk, it could be future fantasy, it could be reality. Right now it is all words so look at actions, silence the words.

 

We all day dream about future events, in all relationships, some people are good about following through, some people never follow through. I was very big that he "walk the talk" and so we structured things so we would both focus on actions.

 

I would circle back with him, tell him you were thinking about the conversation, you really appreciate what he said, but want to discuss x, y, and z, and what does it all mean? What does being his SO mean and not losing you. To not lose you, you need x, y, z.

 

Put it into action, lay it out and learn the answers to your questions. He is just a man. Nothing more nothing less.

[Goodbye]

Only speaking from my own experience as a fOW, I'd say it is future faking. Whether or not it is intentional, not certain. It may be what he wants, and he knows it makes you feel good, so it feels REALLY good to say. It makes you happy and it gives him some relief. I doubt he has sat down and really spent a lot of time planning his exit, however. It kind of pisses me off when MM who cheat do the whole "I'm trying to find a way to leave my marriage." The way you leave a marriage is to be honest with your spouse about what is going on and then hire a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. Yes. It is difficult, this I know, because I did it. I was VERY unhappy in a marriage. I was financially dependent and the primary caregiver of 3 minor children...think it was easy? No. But, it was the right thing to do. If he REALLY loves you enough to want to spend his life with you, the obstacle of leaving his marrige would not be that difficult. Instead, he engages in future faking, because it feels good and buys him time.

[LilGirlandOW]

No, thank you all Alot of interesting perspectives I've never considered... I'm gonna just take it for what it is... a group of words, I dont know why I got all excited looking back, the rush of the drug i suppose