Too jealous to be in a relationship?

[kaylan]

Ive been thinking, and I think I am. This is more of my musing over whether or not Ill feel ready for a relationship over the next couple years. Ive been single for 3 and a half years and at 26 (almost 27) Im wondering when/if Ill get that urge to get into a legit LTR anytime soon. And tbh, Ive never really had a lengthy LTR. My longest relationship was for a year (on and off towards the end), though I would have liked my relationships to had been longer while I was in them.

 

But anyways, right now Ive been thinking thar I couldnt handle having strong emotions for a girl, because I feel like Id still get easily jealous over certain things. I think part of the reason I still feel at this place where I get easily jealous is because I never had a good relationship after the two bad ones with my exes. They always made me feel weird and paranoid for having concerns with their behavior, but then at the end of the day I was pretty right about them.

 

And now because of those bad experiences, and never having had a good healthy LTR, I really wouldnt know how to make an LTR work now at my age. Im super behind most people, especially my friends whove had LTRs before that had lasted 2, or 3, or 6 years in the case of my best friend. So sometimes I feel like Im going into my late 20s as a relationship noob, when the late 20s is the time when you should really have the relationship thing down pretty well.

 

Thoughts?

Edited July 13, 2013 by kaylan

[amaysngrace]

Trust your gut instinct.

 

If you feel uneasy around a particular girl don't get involved.

 

I think a big thing that you have going in your favor is that you were right about the girls you had reason to doubt. Just try and hone in on that before you become too emotionally attached.

 

Maybe you need to think about what attracts you to a particular girl in the first place and figure out how to avoid a certain kind of person to begin with?

[kaylan]

Im kinda like the guy version of the girls some guys whine about. I like feisty chicks with attitude. I do get drawn to bitches at times and find them fun. While the more goodie girls bore me and Id feel couldnt keep up with me. I know theres a girl out there with spitfire attitude who wont be trouble...theres gotta be. At least I hope so.

 

But I have modified the kinda girls I go after in the last year or so, but find myself not especially drawn to them. Things still end, but not as badly as with the feisty girls.

[amaysngrace]

Im kinda like the guy version of the girls some guys whine about. I like feisty chicks with attitude. I do get drawn to bitches at times and find them fun. While the more goodie girls bore me and Id feel couldnt keep up with me. I know theres a girl out there with spitfire attitude who wont be trouble...theres gotta be.

 

Will a stable determined girl be out of your league?

 

Why do you want the drama of a feisty chick and get bored with a normal girl?

[kaylan]

Will a stable determined girl be out of your league?

A stable determined gal would be pretty nice. But I would definitely like her to be feisty and have some spunk as well.

Why do you want the drama of a feisty chick and get bored with a normal girl?

I dont want drama. Its just that feisty girls can go toe to toe with me personality wise. I dislike drama...I just like a girl whos got a strong personality, can handle chop busting as well as give it, and who speaks her mind. I like "normal" girls. Never said I didnt...but what is normal anyways?

 

What I said though was that I find girls I perceive as goodie goodies to be boring as dating prospects. Like the more quiet bookish girls who study a lot or are only focused on work. I knew girls like that in college and they didnt interest me too much. Like quiet is good at times, but I like a chick who can be "in my face". You know? Extroverted.

 

And books and a diligent work ethic are great, but I also would like a girl who can get down and party. And get dirty and play sports or workout with me.

 

Basically its hard finding the right girl =/

[coffeebean201]

Im kinda like the guy version of the girls some guys whine about. I like feisty chicks with attitude. I do get drawn to bitches at times and find them fun. While the more goodie girls bore me and Id feel couldnt keep up with me. I know theres a girl out there with spitfire attitude who wont be trouble...theres gotta be. At least I hope so.

 

But I have modified the kinda girls I go after in the last year or so, but find myself not especially drawn to them. Things still end, but not as badly as with the feisty girls.

 

The right girl is out there for you. And you will do anything for her when the time is right. But dream girl won't like your jealousy issues, so maybe work on reducing/fixing them now...Women don't find jealousy attractive, at all.

[mesmerized]

Give us examples of what it is you get jealous about and what it is that you find "trouble". I can't really say if the problem is you or them based on the limited information you gave us.

[kaylan]

Well heres a few things I had to deal with in the past with girls I was either in a relationship with or dating

 

- Them hanging out in the same company as exes or someone they used to date or had a fling with

 

- Overly flirty behavior in my opinion

 

- Hanging out with a guy friend alone who liked them, even though they insisted he was in the friend zone. Sorry, I know he was her friend before we met, but I feel out of respect for me a girl shouldnt be hanging out alone with other men, especially ones who like her. Even though I deemed this guy as unattractive and dorky and not having much a shot with my girl, anything can happen tbh...and that behavior disrespects me I feel. I wouldnt do that to someone I was dating.

 

- Feeling really odd about certain aspects of a girls past. It could be the way shes mentioned a particular ex and how I may feel her feelings for me compare to her feelings for him.

 

- Feeling odd if a girls sexual past is too raunchy for my taste

 

Anyways I think thats most of the crap I dealt with. I dont feel like Ive ever dated someone who was really into me, and solely into me. Seems they either werent over people from their past, and didnt respect my boundaries regarding guy from their past. Or I was paranoid because of behavior from their past

[amaysngrace]

Sometimes you need to challenge your insecurities when they arise. If you keep spinning about what's happening behind your back then you need to stop yourself from thinking that way.

 

You cannot control somebody else. Maybe that's a good place to start.

[kaylan]

I did challenge my insecurities. And I ended up staying in situations where I ended up getting burned because I didnt trust my gut and bail on things I considered bad behavior. I feel my staying opened the door for the situations that ended things with these chicks.

 

I think your first post was what I need to be doing. Trusting my gut.

[ZX4]

I did challenge my insecurities. And I ended up staying in situations where I ended up getting burned because I didnt trust my gut and bail on things I considered bad behavior. I feel my staying opened the door for the situations that ended things with these chicks.

 

I think your first post was what I need to be doing. Trusting my gut.

 

 

Well, if you think that will work, go for it.

 

 

But it seems like this is a major self-issue that goes much deeper than trusting your intuition.

 

 

You have said a few things that stuck out:

 

• You have security issues, and are jealous
  
• You like bitches, and feisty women because they are more exciting
  

 

I think you are overlooking that these two facts relate to each other.

 

A bitch, or a "feisty" gal is more likely to **** you over, and trigger you security issues.

 

Yet you sit here, and explain why these are the only types that can go "toe-to-toe" with you.

 

I doubt that is the case.

 

You are drawn to a certain type of girl, and until you change your type, and gain some confidence, you're gonna keep falling into that pit.