Stone Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 OK I'll give you the quick low down on my drama I have full cusody of my child because his father is a friggin junkie and failed to go to court to fight for him. before court 1 1/2 years ago my son was in intensive care for several months his father was kicked out of the hospital because he was constantly high ( extacy, coke ect) while the life of is child was in the hands of medical professionals ( I know what a jerk) I do everything in my power to keep my son the heck away from this idotoic sprem donor. I received a call last night from a counsler explaining that his father has been in a Drug Treatment facility for 8 months and has completely changed his life, the counsler put him on the phone stating that he needed to apoligise to me for what he put my son in me thru in the past to help his treatment. So I spoke to him I will NEVER forgive that Mother F@@@@R but he does seem like a diffrent person. He asked me if it we're a possibility for him to see my son and I said Heck No, now I feel bad and don't know what to do. I will add that his faimly doesn't contact me or our son. Anybody in a similar situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 What he has done is messed up! However, if it seems that he has changed you might think about letting him see your child. If you don't believe his change is genuine then forget it because that's just going to have a negative effect on your child. I think that it's good to have your father in your life, but not if he is a low life. Do what's best for your baby only. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Originally posted by stoneheather OK I'll give you the quick low down on my drama I have full cusody of my child because his father is a friggin junkie and failed to go to court to fight for him. before court 1 1/2 years ago my son was in intensive care for several months his father was kicked out of the hospital because he was constantly high ( extacy, coke ect) while the life of is child was in the hands of medical professionals ( I know what a jerk) I do everything in my power to keep my son the heck away from this idotoic sprem donor. I received a call last night from a counsler explaining that his father has been in a Drug Treatment facility for 8 months and has completely changed his life, the counsler put him on the phone stating that he needed to apoligise to me for what he put my son in me thru in the past to help his treatment. So I spoke to him I will NEVER forgive that Mother F@@@@R but he does seem like a diffrent person. He asked me if it we're a possibility for him to see my son and I said Heck No, now I feel bad and don't know what to do. I will add that his faimly doesn't contact me or our son. Anybody in a similar situation. I am not personally in this situation however my sister is.. she shares a child with a guy who has been in jail several times, and is a junkie... Thier daughter is now 8 and he hasn't seen her since she was about 4. Every time he gets his life "together" which means is in rehab or in jail (getting cleaned out) he calls and wants my sister to find forgiveness and allow him to see thier daughter. She has always told him that the only way that would happen is if he remained clean and sober for over a years time (starting the day he contacted her) and agreed to have UA's done during this time, then she would consider allowing him to see her with supervision... Sadly, he has NEVER followed through with staying clean. I can understand why you wouldn't want to put yourself or your little guy through that. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thankd 1 year sounds good... He will probably never do it, but it's a start. My son doesn't miss him or even know him he sees pictures of his father in the baby album and knows that's his dad, but my b/f is his true DADDY. I am just worried because I know one day when he is older he is going to ask qestions as any child should, and I don't want him to think I am keeping him from his father. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 You can't miss something you've never had (in this case someone). Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 Originally posted by stoneheather Thankd 1 year sounds good... He will probably never do it, but it's a start. My son doesn't miss him or even know him he sees pictures of his father in the baby album and knows that's his dad, but my b/f is his true DADDY. I am just worried because I know one day when he is older he is going to ask qestions as any child should, and I don't want him to think I am keeping him from his father. I understand what you're saying Heather... as long as you know you're doing the right things for him, for the right reasons.. I know you are good to go. When he is older and wants to know about his Dad, be as honest as you can in telling him about him, and be as honest as you can as well as to why you made the choices and decisions you did to protect him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted October 25, 2004 Author Share Posted October 25, 2004 I won't know this untill he is older but I would assume that he would long to know his Bio father...... guess I'll just cross that bridge when it comes Link to post Share on other sites
Learn_To_Fly Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Yes, you are right. All children want to know who their parents are and in many cases will reserve their judgment until they meet them and find out for them self who they really are. Whilst I am not saying this is your case as it sounds far from it but there are separated mothers that exagurate how bad their fathers are and in some cases they are no where as bad as some mothers would make them believe. In my case as a separated father I have 2 children living with me full time and my oldest daughter lived with me until she got in to a relationship and has her own children. This was purely the children's choice. They originally lived with their mother but asked to live with me till they got their wish. Out of respect for my children I never speak badly of their mother. In your case it seems as though you do not have a choice but to protect your child. Maybe you could consider meeting his father with the councillor to make a judgment if you would trust him enough to let them spend time together. Good luck and as you have done so far always put the child's welfare first. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 You can't miss something you've never had (in this case someone) Wishful thinking. My son's father saw him only 3 or 4 times between the ages of 3 and 6. When he was about 5 my son asked me "do I even have a father?" - seems kids were talking at school which made him start thinking. Since he couldn't remember seeing him, he started making up stories about him and yes, he missed him. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I'm not in this situation myself but I do know about DRAMA! I'm sorry, I'm not a parent so I can't offer much...however I do know that parents can only make the best choices possible for their children in an imperfect world, and I'm sure you will. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stone Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Thanks dear, since the post he stopped calling AGAIN!! I'll probably hear from him when his life sucks again, My b/f and my father are what you call "POSITIVE MALE ROLEMODLES" in my son's life so I guess I'll just have to make the best of that, and when he grows up he can meet the SOB, but I think he will be verry disipointed Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Heather, I told you once about my friend in similar circumstances to yours. She also had similar difficulties with her ex, whom her son adores. She's agreed he can only see her son if he does so with one of his relatives that she trusts. He doesn't like it but his behaviour with the child in the past shows he can't be trusted with him alone, so he has accepted it. It was done through a solicitor so that if there are any problems she can deny access. Your son will probably want to contact his Dad when he's older but all that kids of his age need is consistent care and love. He has that, it's more than enough. Link to post Share on other sites
AyyZ Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 The question that you need to ask, is your child old enough to help make this decision? If so, I think you need to take into consideration of how you child feels about this. What if you're killing yourself over this dilema and he/she doesn't want to see him anyway. If he/she does want to see this man who is what you call a "sperm donor" then maybe you can try a supervised visit and see how it goes. By all means do not let him be alone with your child. If he has indeed gotten clean, that's a big accomplishment but does not warrant a place back in your child's life unless you're comfortable with it. Good luck with this and I hope everything works out Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by stoneheather Thankd 1 year sounds good... He will probably never do it, but it's a start. My son doesn't miss him or even know him he sees pictures of his father in the baby album and knows that's his dad, but my b/f is his true DADDY. I am just worried because I know one day when he is older he is going to ask qestions as any child should, and I don't want him to think I am keeping him from his father. You are PROTECTING him from his sperm doner. You said your bf is his true daddy. I've not been in your situation, but I do have family memebers who are in similar situations. What they have done is: Don't badmouth his biological father, but don't bring up the subject or be too elaborate when talking about him. As he asks questions, just tell him that his biological father has some serious health problems that he needs to work out and that is why he is with YOU and not him. If he's concerned about his biological father not loving him, tell him that his biological father does love him, but is not well enough to share the love and he wants to do what is right by your son too and that's why he is staying away, because he doesn't want his son to get sick or hurt. Sometimes the things that are best for us, hurt. That seems to work for them and as the kids get older they fill in the blanks about drug or alcohol abuse and use their father's case to illustrate whey they shouldn't do drugs. In your shoes I would not let him into my child's life. It would be even more confusing and emotional than short answers about pictures in a book. I'm glad your son has positive role-models in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
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