I found he was cheating

[youngnlove89]

My heart is in pieces. I'm shattered. Broken.

 

This girl I was worried about was the same girl he's been seeing "several times" since December. He told me this tonight on the phone after I told him I went through his email and saw that he has been communicating with her. I tried not to attack him and kept my voice very calm. I just wanted to have an open communication where we could be honest with each other and be adults. Unfortunately, it didn't go that way.

 

My gut instinct was right from the beginning. He lied to me first hand about her having a boyfriend (she didn't) and then he lied to me about hanging out with her (he has been). How could he do this to me?

 

(A little background: he dated her for 2 months before we met. He broke up with her. She recently came back into his life somehow. He said he broke up with her because he didn't have those feelings for her and she reminded him of his mother, whom he doesn't talk to)

 

He swore up and down they are just friends, but didn't tell me that they were talking/hanging out because he knew it would hurt me and I would freak out. He said it would create unnecessary drama. He said that when we were broken up in December they went to the Grand Canyon and shared a room together. They slept in different beds and he said they didn't sleep together. Whatever. I'm not that dumb.

 

He said since then they've hung out. They've gone hiking. It made my stomach sick. I got so shaky that my words were shaking as I was taking to him. My face was heated. My pulse was so fast. This was my heart breaking.

 

I told him my feelings and how this really bothered me because I wouldn't be able to meet her and be friends with someone who has slept with my boyfriend. That would be awkward. He then told me "well if you can't accept her being in my life, then you can leave" That really upset me and hurt me.

 

His tone was awful. He was throwing in cuss words and was very defensive. He said I was accusing him and he didn't like it. He was yelling and I felt like I couldn't just tell him that this hurt me, please fix it.

 

He also asked me "how are you going to feel a month from now when I tell you I'm going hiking with her?" So I said, "why can't I join you two" and he said, "HA! I'd love to see that go down!" He was so mean.

 

He then said, "wouldn't you rather me say I'm hanging out with my guy friend vs me saying I'm hanging out with Sabrina?" I said, NO!!!

 

I'm okay with guys having friends, but why do you need to be friends with an ex gf? Why do you have to lie to me about it? That's what got me.

 

He said he has not slept with her and has no intentions of it. He said he has cancelled plans with her several times to hang out with me. Who knows what the truth is anymore.

 

But the fact is he lied. Lying is betrayal. Lying is cheating. If you have to lie to your girlfriend, you are hiding something. I can't trust him anymore. He killed our relationship. Ruined it for life.

 

He then ended the conversation and said, "I want you to know that you started this fight and I need relaxation right now. I will call you when I'm ready, don't call me."

 

He also said, "Don't worry about your Birthday present, you are getting it! It's coming your way! You WILL get your birthday present" In a very mean sarcastic way. I asked if I needed to cancel my birthday plans and he said, "No we are still going"

 

Little does he know that I have just fallen off the face of his earth. I can't be with him anymore. I can't constantly question him and this relationship. It will be exhausting. Whenever he tells me he is hanging out with the guys, how can I believe him now? He is a liar.

 

What kind of person would I be if I allowed him to treat me this way?

Edited July 13, 2013 by youngnlove89

[bolase]

Hi,

 

The first half of this is a little confusing to me, ie I'm unsure of whether or not he was actually cheating on you; because when they went to the Grand Canyon together you were broken up. It sounds like they slept together, but not since you've been together. That wouldn't be cheating my in book.

 

Also, not wanting to meet someone whose slept with your boyfriend? I understand the thought, I've been there - meeting exes or ex flings of 2 boyfriends and it made my heart sieze up a a little each time! But that's life...if you believe that you and your partner love each other and those run-ins with exes are a consequence of your social circle or there are real reasons to stay in touch ie they were close friends before they slept together, have kids, family members are friends etc..let it be.

 

However your boyfriend just lied to you for his own benefit, and seems to be very rude, resentful and disrespectful. I know that those arguments can bring out the worst in people, but there's no excuse for cruelty or lying.

 

He possibly feels you have jealous tendencies and therefore was scared to tell you. Too bad. I would tell him that you just want love and honesty, and isn't giving you either. Then look after yourself and cut contact for a while.

[youngnlove89]

The first half of this is a little confusing to me, ie I'm unsure of whether or not he was actually cheating on you; because when they went to the Grand Canyon together you were broken up. It sounds like they slept together, but not since you've been together. That wouldn't be cheating my in book.

 

It's such a long story. I'm sorry. They have been hanging out since that trip, behind my back. He said he was hanging out with a guy friend, when really he was hanging out with her. But just as "friends"

 

Also, not wanting to meet someone whose slept with your boyfriend? I understand the thought, I've been there - meeting exes or ex flings of 2 boyfriends and it made my heart sieze up a a little each time! But that's life...if you believe that you and your partner love each other and those run-ins with exes are a consequence of your social circle or there are real reasons to stay in touch ie they were close friends before they slept together, have kids, family members are friends etc..let it be.

 

I don't understand why he needs to be with her? He has me! They weren't married, had no kids, no baggage, they just f.cked. That's it. Why does he need her in his life?

 

However your boyfriend just lied to you for his own benefit, and seems to be very rude, resentful and disrespectful. I know that those arguments can bring out the worst in people, but there's no excuse for cruelty or lying.

 

Yes. He deceived me. He said I was making a big deal out of nothing. But if it weren't such a big deal then why did he have to lie about it? HE KNOWS that him hanging out with an ex (who is still in love with him) bothers me, so why would he do it?

 

He possibly feels you have jealous tendencies and therefore was scared to tell you. Too bad. I would tell him that you just want love and honesty, and isn't giving you either. Then look after yourself and cut contact for a while.

 

He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. He said it was innocent. They are just friends. I am jealous. But when someone lies to you, that makes me question things....

[youngnlove89]

There is no proof that he physically cheated. But for someone to lie to you and say he is hanging out with his buddy, when really he is with her, when does it cross the line?

 

What else did they do? What else did he LIE about?

[youngnlove89]

Oh, and the snooping? If you EVER want to have a healthy relationship, you need to stop doing that right now. Because even if I had been cheating, lying, and being an asshat of a human being, if my partner invaded my privacy like that, I would dump them immediately. Even if I deserved it.

 

It's so uncool. If you can't trust your partner, you have no business being in that relationship.

 

I agree. and I apologized. I felt bad. It was wrong. But if I hadn't of snooped, I wouldn't have found this out.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hoo boy.

 

It doesn't sound like he physically cheated on you (hanging out with her isn't cheating necessarily), but he's definitely keeping that friendship from you for some reason, which is sketchy. Is he doing it because he's testing the waters with her to see how it goes, is he doing it because you are possessive and jealous, it's hard to say. Either way it isn't good.

 

What also isn't good is your jealousy and your snooping. Both are bad things. You are definitely codependent on your boyfriend (something that's been discussed ad nauseum on this site), which contributes to the paranoia. But you have to learn to a) develop boundaries (you have none, which is why you always find yourself in these pickles) and b) develop trust. It's sketchy for him to keep the friendship with her from you, but it's also shady as hell for you to snoop. Just unacceptable behavior from both parties.

 

On that note, this just seem to be another repeat of the pattern between you and this guy. He does something on his own without you that you don't like, you get upset and leave temporarily, but you won't move on and find someone more compatible. You'll do mental gymnastics in your head to justify contact, you'll go back to him, then you'll get upset and act like a victim when he behaves in the exact same manner that he's behaved for the majority of your relationship. But you won't actually do anything to move past this and find someone more compatible because you are hopelessly codependent and refuse to summon any inner strength.

 

Either way, you know this guy's routine. It's not changing. If you continue to act helpless and sign on for this, you can't be complaining when things like this happen. If you don't want to continually deal with this crap, then it's time for you to put on your big girl pants and break this cycle for good. There doesn't need to be a 17th reconciliation.

Edited July 13, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Elle1975]

Cheating for me is not just a physical notion. It's doing something major that you know will upset your partner (not like eating a muffin on a diet..), like sharing some quality time with somebody else and lie about it.

 

The lying part is what would bother me. Having friends is something healthy. One of my good friend is a man. Granted, he's gay, but still.

 

To me he's not mad that you snooped, he's mad that you found out. I feel (hope) you wouldn't have snooped if you had felt secure.

[Keke1]

Oh, and the snooping? If you EVER want to have a healthy relationship, you need to stop doing that right now. Because even if I had been cheating, lying, and being an asshat of a human being, if my partner invaded my privacy like that, I would dump them immediately. Even if I deserved it.

 

It's so uncool. If you can't trust your partner, you have no business being in that relationship.

 

Invaded your privacy you'd be gone huh? Even if you were lying to someone's face. Lol that is bull**** to me. If she hadn't looked this clown would still be doing this mess. That is exactly what this is. I agree with your last statement only. You should probably end this relationship OP seems the trust is gone.

[sweetkiwi]

If I were you I would cover this "relationship" in gasoline, light a match, sit back and watch it turn to dust.

 

DO NOT see this fool anymore. Don't do that to yourself. Have the balls to walk away.

[SammySammy]

I would never snoop on a partner, even if I thought they were cheating. I would never invade someone's privacy, and yes, I would dump a partner who did it to me.

 

No bull****. Your partner is not a child, who needs to be monitored. Not until they've actually done something and confessed. Before that, we must trust our partners, have faith in them, give them the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, you have no business being in a relationship.

 

I understand your point about snooping, but what if they lie about doing something and never confess? What do we do then?

 

Some people are untrustworthy. Liars. Cheats. You can feel it in your gut.

 

A while back, I ran across a saying "trust, but verify".

 

I guess I'm wondering if there is a middle ground between snooping and waiting for a liar to confess to us? Because, for some of us, allowing ourselves to be made a fool of is simply unacceptable.

[youngnlove89]

I understand that snooping is wrong. I get it. That's enough of it though. Whoopie de doo, I snooped. Stop making me feel like I am the bad one. This OP isn't about snooping. It's about someone betraying me and lying to me. How many times do I have to say, YES I WAS WRONG BY SNOOPING? Let's move on...

 

If I didn't snoop, I wouldn't have found out that I was with a guy who lied to me and did things behind my back. I have trust issues, but I also had an intuition that something wasn't right.

 

I'm glad I snooped. I saved myself time by having to uncover the cold bitter truth.

 

He lied to me.

He told me he was hanging out with guys, when he was with her

He went BEHIND MY BACK and hung out with her

Let's say, he didn't do anything, let's say they are really truly just friends...

 

How can I continue to be with him knowing that the trust is gone. Every time he tells me is going out with his buddies, I won't believe him. I will constantly wonder what he really is doing.

 

If this was just friendship, why hide it? Why lie?

 

The most hurtful part he said to me was, "If you can't handle her in my life, then leave because she is someone who be in my life"

 

2.5 years. He said that to someone he's been with for 2.5 years...My feelings didn't take priority. In fact my feelings were thrown to the ground and ****ted on.

 

Do you know how many guys he was worried about when I hung out with them? ALL OF THEM. Most of my friends are guys. Every time I hung out with them I'd offer him to come with us, meet them, get comfortable. I even gave up some guy friends because I wanted to protect his feelings. He was my priority. I wanted my bf more than my guy friend. He came first.

 

In his case, I didn't.

[youngnlove89]

Cheating for me is not just a physical notion. It's doing something major that you know will upset your partner (not like eating a muffin on a diet..), like sharing some quality time with somebody else and lie about it.

 

The lying part is what would bother me. Having friends is something healthy. One of my good friend is a man. Granted, he's gay, but still.

 

To me he's not mad that you snooped, he's mad that you found out. I feel (hope) you wouldn't have snooped if you had felt secure.

 

This is exactly it, thank you!

 

He is upset I snooped because it means I can't trust him. I told him how could I trust him because when he is lying and doing things behind my back? He agreed with me and said I had every right to feel that way and he would of too. But he is upset that we had a fight over something that was no big deal in his words.

[youngnlove89]

Oh, and the snooping? If you EVER want to have a healthy relationship, you need to stop doing that right now. Because even if I had been cheating, lying, and being an asshat of a human being, if my partner invaded my privacy like that, I would dump them immediately. Even if I deserved it.

 

Sounds to me I'd be glad you did. Good riddance.

[youngnlove89]

I'd like to add something.

 

Trust. Honesty. Loyalty. That is the adhesive to a relationship, that's the cement to building a big loving relationship. If you stack the bricks with no cement, it's eventually going to fall apart because there is nothing keeping it together.

 

When he told me how "how are you going to feel a month from now when I tell you I'm hanging out with Sabrina, how is that going to make you feel?" and then he added, "wouldn't you rather me say I'm hanging out with a guy rather than her?"

 

He was basically telling me why I should feel better that he lied to me.

 

How insane. How dumb is that?

 

And that is the question that has stuck in my head. This girl is going to be part of his life, no matter what, and I can either be okay with it or not okay with it.

 

If he were to go out on a hike with her, have drinks with her, go camping with her, can I truly accept that? Can I trust him even though he hid this from me before and lied to me?

 

No. The relationship is over.

 

If he had been honest from the get-go, maybe I could have felt different about this all.

[mammasita]

I'm sorry YNL but you KNOW this guy is no good!!!

 

All I can say about this is that you need to find the strength and self worth to kick his ass to the curb. You deserve better, SO much better. Work on believing it.

[youngnlove89]

Thank you.

 

He told me he would call me "soon" whenever that is.

 

I'm thinking about not answering. Just ignoring him. Starting NC.

 

This will just be utterly heartbreaking for me.

[USMCHokie]

Thank you.

 

He told me he would call me "soon" whenever that is.

 

I'm thinking about not answering. Just ignoring him. Starting NC.

 

This will just be utterly heartbreaking for me.

 

I'm sorry to hear about this...

 

Bolded above is the only course of action you should take.

[tman666]

No bueno... I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

 

This is not how someone who respects their partner or is committed to a relationship acts.

 

You can do better... Do yourself a favor and never allow him in your life again.

[youngnlove89]

Thank you.

 

My heart is just broken today. How does one recover?

[USMCHokie]

My heart is just broken today. How does one recover?

 

Time. There are no shortcuts, only setbacks. Don't allow yourself to be duped by him again. The guy you thought you loved doesn't exist anymore.

[tman666]

As Hokie said, time will heal all wounds, but in the short term, I'd reach out to your family and friends for camaraderie and support, and probably try to stay away from getting in another relationship until the dust settles and your head is clear.

 

I've always found that getting outdoors allows me to clear the fog much faster. Not sure why that is.

[Realist3]

Thank you.

 

He told me he would call me "soon" whenever that is.

 

I'm thinking about not answering. Just ignoring him. Starting NC.

 

This will just be utterly heartbreaking for me.

 

This is a very smart move. Right now he has the upper hand in the relationship, and by doing this you are taking control.

 

Regardless if you ever get back with him or not, you will have shown that you have control.

[USMCHokie]

I've always found that getting outdoors allows me to clear the fog much faster. Not sure why that is.

 

When you're outdoors, I assume you're not at a computer and not on LS. If you have your phone, it will be too much of a pain in the ass to get on LS with a teenie tiny phone. Not on LS means doing other things and not deliberating and talking about a past relationship.

 

And being outside, you actually see other people. I couped myself up in my room many a night because I didn't want to go outside. It probably didn't help.

[Toddbt12y1]

Not only will time heal you...but being active will too. Sitting around...as time passes does no one any good. Really. Seriously. Do out and do things. Feel the air of freedom. Be around friends. Perhaps Flirty someday....rebuild broken confidence.

 

Time alone will do nothing for you...time combined with living will heal you.

 

Your (ex-i hope) bf is trashy. Rid yourself of him. Should you give him a million chances? I know the feeling of giving too many chances....

[queendrama]

If some people are untrustworthy liars and you can feel it in your gut, you shouldn't be anywhere near them, let alone dating them, and reading their email.

 

If someone does wrong by me, never confesses, and I never find out, then nothing is going to change for me. Ignorance is bliss. If someone does something wrong and I eventually find out because they cock up, then I would deal with it. But I would rather live my life trusting people until they give me a reason not to, rather than looking over their shoulder. I believe people, for the most part, are good and kind, but are flawed and make mistakes. And I'd rather take each person on face-value, rather than expect the worst.

 

No snooping. I couldn't live with myself. Save monitoring email/social media for your kids, who NEED to be protected. Let adults be adults. I'd rather be cheated on and never know (in fact, I think it's safe to assume that almost everyone had been cheated on at some point in their lives), than be suspicious of everyone, only to find that I was wrong.

 

Trust, communicate, be honest, be supportive, be forgiving, and cross your fingers. That's the best you can do. Snooping brings nothing but mistrust and paranoia. No thanks.

 

 

That's healthy thinking!!! I admire you, I hope to achieve this state of mind oneday.. Woman does no good with snooping, questioning and suspicion - this drives her insane the long run. The only way to protect yourself and your mentality, your relationship - is to act like this...if one wants to cheat nothing will change if you are suspicious all the time.

 

I admire such people, because this is the only healthy way to have any relationship at all.