I found he was cheating

[youngnlove89]

 

Have you managed to eat anything today?

 

No, I only drank coffee today. I have no appetite and my anxiety is bad. My stomach keeps sinking and I get this chill that runs through my body when I think about him and her.

 

I thought about it today. Fact is, I haven't been the most honest person either.

 

I've been doing exactly what he has been doing. Leaving out details. I've hung out with a couple of guy friends and one stayed the night (slept on the couch) and another one came over and watched a movie with me (we didn't sit next to each other). It was all purely platonic. I didn't tell my boyfriend those little details because I knew he would freak out and take it the wrong way. It would create a fight, grow insecurity for him, and cause drama. So I kept it from him. I've also been chatting with an ex. We were never bf/gf but dated. Just like his situation. We haven't hung out yet, but I didn't tell my ex about this guy because he would wonder. Me and this guy I used to date are just friends and nothing more. We just chat every once and awhile and haven't gotten the chance to hang out yet because of scheduling conflicts. I never planned to tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't think it would be a big deal. But if he wanted to meet him, I would love to make that happen. The guy is a really cool guy, he'd like him. We both are just friendly and realized back then that we didn't have that "spark" but got along as friends instead.

 

So is this calling the kettle black?

[Simon Phoenix]

And here we go again.

[Keke1]

No, I only drank coffee today. I have no appetite and my anxiety is bad. My stomach keeps sinking and I get this chill that runs through my body when I think about him and her.

 

I thought about it today. Fact is, I haven't been the most honest person either.

 

I've been doing exactly what he has been doing. Leaving out details. I've hung out with a couple of guy friends and one stayed the night (slept on the couch) and another one came over and watched a movie with me (we didn't sit next to each other). It was all purely platonic. I didn't tell my boyfriend those little details because I knew he would freak out and take it the wrong way. It would create a fight, grow insecurity for him, and cause drama. So I kept it from him. I've also been chatting with an ex. We were never bf/gf but dated. Just like his situation. We haven't hung out yet, but I didn't tell my ex about this guy because he would wonder. Me and this guy I used to date are just friends and nothing more. We just chat every once and awhile and haven't gotten the chance to hang out yet because of scheduling conflicts. I never planned to tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't think it would be a big deal. But if he wanted to meet him, I would love to make that happen. The guy is a really cool guy, he'd like him. We both are just friendly and realized back then that we didn't have that "spark" but got along as friends instead.

 

So is this calling the kettle black?

 

Gots to be kidding me

[sweetkiwi]

OMG when you get back with him please don't post about it:sick:

[Els]

Sigh, YL.

 

You're really just making up justifications. For the umpteenth time.

 

I have no doubt that there is room for improvement in yourself. In fact, there is room for improvement in ALL of us. But that does not justify staying in an unhealthy R. Leave the R, then work on whatever issues you may have.

 

C'mon, girl. Hasn't this sort of thing happened enough times already?

[tman666]

No, I only drank coffee today. I have no appetite and my anxiety is bad. My stomach keeps sinking and I get this chill that runs through my body when I think about him and her.

 

I thought about it today. Fact is, I haven't been the most honest person either.

I've been doing exactly what he has been doing. Leaving out details. I've hung out with a couple of guy friends and one stayed the night (slept on the couch) and another one came over and watched a movie with me (we didn't sit next to each other). It was all purely platonic. I didn't tell my boyfriend those little details because I knew he would freak out and take it the wrong way. It would create a fight, grow insecurity for him, and cause drama. So I kept it from him. I've also been chatting with an ex. We were never bf/gf but dated. Just like his situation. We haven't hung out yet, but I didn't tell my ex about this guy because he would wonder. Me and this guy I used to date are just friends and nothing more. We just chat every once and awhile and haven't gotten the chance to hang out yet because of scheduling conflicts. I never planned to tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't think it would be a big deal. But if he wanted to meet him, I would love to make that happen. The guy is a really cool guy, he'd like him. We both are just friendly and realized back then that we didn't have that "spark" but got along as friends instead.

 

So is this calling the kettle black?

Wat?

 

In the event that you guys get back together (still probably not a good idea, in my humble opinion), it might be a good idea to come to a mutual consensus about what the boundaries are regarding ex's and friends of the opposite sex.

[veggirl]

Do you have any girl friends irl?

 

Movies at home and sleepovers with other dudes wtf. I mean your bf is douche to the max but you're playing with fire yourself there too.

[yessy21]

"well if you can't accept her being in my life, then you can leave"

 

Im sorry your in pain but the above is proof that he has already chosen her over you.

 

He lied and if you don't break up first he will leave you eventually for her.

[youngnlove89]

You are all right. It's time to gain confidence, gain back my power and leave. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me.

 

I talked to my mom for a long time last night. She convinced me that I have to let him go, even if it hurts. He is a liar. There is no more trust.

 

Communication. Commitment. Confidence.

 

We don't have any of that.

 

What's the point of being with him?

 

To be honest, I think it's the sex.

[mercuryshadow]

Every one is right. No answer is wrong in this situation. It's about doing what makes YOU feel comfortable and happy. I had to dig. Or I would have built it up to anger and exploded in his face randomly. It could have been worse.

 

I asked for an open communication with him where I could tell him "I was wrong when I looked through your email, but this is what I found and this is how I feel about it and now what can we do to fix this?" Instead he felt attacked and accused. Neither person was right. I tried my best to not attack him, but I guess if I were in his shoes, I would have reacted this same way.

 

Sure, they might have not slept together and he might not have cheated. That could very well be true. I'd love to believe that. But when he has been keeping this from me and seeing her behind my back ("because he is afraid of hurting me or causing drama over nothing"), how can I trust him?

 

How can I trust the person I love when he is a liar?

 

Why does someone lie to someone they love? Why does someone have to go behind their loved ones back?

 

I'm hurt because he lied. I'm hurt because I don't know how to trust him now.

 

I must disagree with you. If he felt any shame over what he was doing (i.e. lying to you), he would not have responded with such anger. He knows lying to you is wrong, but he does not appear to be remorseful in the least and that is very disconcerting.

 

I've read through some of your back story, and the more I read, the more this guy sounds like my ex. You also sound like me, in some ways. Time and time again, I let my emotions override my rational thinking and stayed with someone I could not trust. My emotions ruled me. I felt the pain of letting go was so much worse than sticking out a situation that made me feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure. For years, I was a loose canon. Like you, I got into a habit of digging around, and even when there was proof of dishonesty or infidelity, my emotions ruled me and I ended up staying. This was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made and I have so much shame for remaining with someone I could not trust. On one such occasion, like you, I snooped, ended up getting half of the story from him, and was only able to get the full truth by speaking with the other party. Turns out he was doing more than just "hanging out" with her behind my back.

 

When it finally ended due to the pattern of infidelity and dishonesty, I got through it much easier than I had thought I would. I had myself so anxious, so convinced that there was no life beyond this guy, that I was petrified. Fear kept me with him. Maybe you can identify with this fear? However, when I was faced with the ultimate finality, I sailed through with much more ease than I had anticipated.

 

Well, I promise you, there is life after this guy. If you do decide that this is the final nail in the coffin, I can soundly assure you that it will only get better for you from here. It may not make sense now, but down the road, it will.

Edited July 15, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[youngnlove89]

I must disagree with you. If he felt any shame over what he was doing (i.e. lying to you), he would not have responded with such anger. He knows lying to you is wrong, but he does not appear to be remorseful in the least and that is very disconcerting.

 

I've read through some of your back story, and the more I read, the more this guy sounds like my ex. You also sound like me, in some ways. Time and time again, I let my emotions override my rational thinking and stayed with someone I could not trust. My emotions ruled me. I felt the pain of letting go was so much worse than sticking out a situation that made me feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure. For years, I was a loose canon. Like you, I got into a habit of digging around, and even when there was proof of dishonesty or infidelity, my emotions ruled me and I ended up staying. This was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made and I have so much shame for remaining with someone I could not trust. On one such occasion, like you, I snooped, ended up getting half of the story from him, and was only able to get the full truth by speaking with the other party. Turns out he was doing more than just "hanging out" with her behind my back.

 

When it finally ended due to the pattern of infidelity and dishonesty, I got through it much easier than I had thought I would. I had myself so anxious, so convinced that there was no life beyond this guy, that I was petrified. Fear kept me with him. However, when I was faced with the ultimate finality, I sailed through with much more ease than I had anticipated. Maybe you can identify with how I felt.

 

Well, I promise you, there is life after this guy. If you do decide that this is the final nail in the coffin, I can soundly assure you that it will only get better for you from here. It may not make sense now, but down the road, it will.

 

Thank you so much!! I'm so glad someone can relate to me. Sometimes I like I'm the crazy one on here. That no one understands.

 

I felt the pain of letting go was so much worse than sticking out a situation that made me feel anxious, uncomfortable and insecure.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't know what is worse. BUT I haven't given myself the chance to experience life without him, so how could I know? I just think and anticipate the pain I "might" feel. I'm afraid it will last forever and I won't meet anyone else. I'm completely fearful.

 

I think because in the past I was cheated on and I remember the pain afterward and how hard it was. I often questioned if it would have been better to just stay with the guy and work it out.

 

I don't think it would have been better. I think I would have suffered more being with him constantly wondering if he is cheating or lying.

 

But I think what hurts the most is how the other person just let our relationship die. He doesn't care that he ruined it. I valued this relationship and tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend. I invested time and love. I loved deeply and wholeheartedly. It's all gone now. I lost it. He let it go.

 

That's what hurts the most.

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you so much!! I'm so glad someone can relate to me. Sometimes I like I'm the crazy one on here. That no one understands.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I don't know what is worse. BUT I haven't given myself the chance to experience life without him, so how could I know? I just think and anticipate the pain I "might" feel. I'm afraid it will last forever and I won't meet anyone else. I'm completely fearful.

 

I think because in the past I was cheated on and I remember the pain afterward and how hard it was. I often questioned if it would have been better to just stay with the guy and work it out.

 

I don't think it would have been better. I think I would have suffered more being with him constantly wondering if he is cheating or lying.

 

But I think what hurts the most is how the other person just let our relationship die. He doesn't care that he ruined it. I valued this relationship and tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend. I invested time and love. I loved deeply and wholeheartedly. It's all gone now. I lost it. He let it go.

 

That's what hurts the most.

 

Well, from what I can gather, your bf, like my ex, is an opportunist. What opportunist wouldn't want a woman who is dedicated to him, great sex (we had that, too!) and all of the additional perks of a relationship (whilst he operated on double standards and dishonesty)? And, when the going got tough, he'd just shut down. Disappear. Say he needed space or relaxation. Meanwhile, I was a nervous, depressed, anxious wreck. I let my life, my well being, my happiness, revolve around that toxic relationship/individual. I became toxic, too.

 

After we broke up (for the final time), I let myself do some healing. And then I met someone who was so very different, so transparent with me that I had to pinch myself. I was so accustomed to having to wade through lies and deceit that I did not know honesty, respect and dedication could truly exist in a relationship. It can for you, too. However, it cannot be found with your ex. I promise you that you are not a broken person who needs an unstable relationship because that's what you "deserve". Once you come out of this, life will improve and your view of yourself will also improve vastly.

Edited July 15, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[Keke1]

You are all right. It's time to gain confidence, gain back my power and leave. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me.

 

I talked to my mom for a long time last night. She convinced me that I have to let him go, even if it hurts. He is a liar. There is no more trust.

 

Communication. Commitment. Confidence.

 

We don't have any of that.

 

What's the point of being with him?

 

To be honest, I think it's the sex.

 

You're a liar to. Did you tell mom about your hanging with an ex and having a guy sleepover? You know so she could be objective? Sounds like you love drama. Stay with the dude smh.

[youngnlove89]

Well, from what I can gather, your bf, like my ex, is an opportunist. What opportunist wouldn't want a woman who is dedicated to him, great sex (we had that, too!) and all of the additional perks of a relationship (whilst he operated on double standards and dishonesty)? And, when the going got tough, he'd just shut down. Disappear. Say he needed space or relaxation. Meanwhile, I was a nervous, depressed, anxious wreck. I let my life, my well being, my happiness, revolve around that toxic relationship/individual. I became toxic, too.

 

After we broke up (for the final time), I let myself do some healing. And then I met someone who was so very different, so transparent with me that I had to pinch myself. I was so accustomed to having to wade through lies and deceit that I did not know honesty, respect and dedication could truly exist in a relationship. It can for you, too. However, it cannot be found with your ex. I promise you that you are not a broken person who needs an unstable relationship because that's what you "deserve". Once you come out of this, life will improve and your view of yourself will also improve, vastly.

 

Wow, it does sound like we have a lot in common.

 

I'm glad you let me see that it is possible for me to find someone better. Hope is a good thing.

 

How did you cope with leaving that toxic relationship? What did you do? The pain is overwhelming. I have been going out but I'm a zombie. And I'm constantly dizzy. How long did it take you?

[mercuryshadow]

Wow, it does sound like we have a lot in common.

 

I'm glad you let me see that it is possible for me to find someone better. Hope is a good thing.

 

How did you cope with leaving that toxic relationship? What did you do? The pain is overwhelming. I have been going out but I'm a zombie. And I'm constantly dizzy. How long did it take you?

 

 

It took me years of the same song and dance you've been playing with your ex to finally cut the cord. I had become co-dependent, somehow reliant on whatever tidbits of validation I got from him. They became few and far between and hence, my self-esteem reflected this.

 

Once it was over for good, it took me only a few short weeks to feel a lot better. I had finally come to terms with things, and my anxiety began to decrease. Prior to this, I had become accustomed to walking around with my stomach in knots all of the time. I finally felt relief from that. I began doing yoga and meditating. I began taking time to enjoy things in life (i.e. I slowed down a bit). I went out with my sister, I got in touch with friends. I cooked for people. I took walks/hikes and did fun things with my child. I went out dancing. I embraced freedom from harm. I was blessed with increased virtue (i.e. more patience, more joy, more generosity), whereas before, my mind was not in a place to nurture such things. The world became a lot brighter. I'm not trying to say it was easy or that things were immediately perfect, but things began to fall into place and it gave me hope to keep moving forward.

Edited July 15, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[youngnlove89]

It took me years of the same song and dance you've been playing with your ex to finally cut the cord. I had become co-dependent, somehow reliant on whatever tidbits of validation I got from him. They became few and far between and hence, my self-esteem reflected this.

 

Once it was over for good, it took me only three short weeks to feel a bit better. I had finally come to terms with things, and my anxiety began to decrease. Prior to this, I had become accustomed to walking around with my stomach in knots all of the time. I finally felt relief from that. I began doing yoga and meditating. I began taking time to enjoy things in life (i.e. I slowed down a bit). I went out with my sister, I got in touch with friends. I cooked for people. I took walks/hikes and did fun things with my child. I went out dancing. I embraced freedom from harm.

 

Three short weeks?!! Wow maybe it's because you realized life was so much better without him!! You experienced pain and grief and anxiety being WITH him and then you decided to move on and you realized that he was the source of your pain. Once you got rid of him, your pain lifted...

 

Hmmm...Maybe that's what will happen to me. I hope! But we have broken up many times before and I remember feeling hurt most of the time. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I didn't cope right. I never felt relief being without him. But cheating/lying was never the reason we broke up. This time it is..so maybe it will be different.

 

I guess it's time for me to go back to the gym, plus there is a lot of eye candy there. It never hurts to look and appreciate, right?

[mercuryshadow]

Three short weeks?!! Wow maybe it's because you realized life was so much better without him!! You experienced pain and grief and anxiety being WITH him and then you decided to move on and you realized that he was the source of your pain. Once you got rid of him, your pain lifted...

 

Hmmm...Maybe that's what will happen to me. I hope! But we have broken up many times before and I remember feeling hurt most of the time. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I didn't cope right. I never felt relief being without him. But cheating/lying was never the reason we broke up. This time it is..so maybe it will be different.

 

I guess it's time for me to go back to the gym, plus there is a lot of eye candy there. It never hurts to look and appreciate, right?

 

 

The only way I can rationalize the short amount of time it took was because I'd been through it so many times before it somehow "clicked", finally, that unless I let go, and saw things for what they were, I was going to remain a prisoner. I allowed myself a few days of moping around, crying, being angry... the next few, I tried my best to not think of him. If I did think of him, I physically listed all of the times he'd cheated and lied, and it kept my feet firmly planted in reality. Eventually, I was no longer consumed with thought over him. I believe that I was engaging in a personal science experiment, so to speak. I was rewiring my brain!

 

A couple of weeks after, I received a text/media message from him. It was of his genitals?! I was shocked and disgusted and told him to never contact me again. He tried a few times, but I was to the point where I was just disgusted. I didn't hate him or wish ill upon him, but I felt sorry for him. And from there, things just got better.

[youngnlove89]

The only way I can rationalize the short amount of time it took was because I'd been through it so many times before it somehow "clicked", finally, that unless I let go, and saw things for what they were, I was going to remain a prisoner. I allowed myself a few days of moping around, crying, being angry... the next few, I tried my best to not think of him. If I did think of him, I physically listed all of the times he'd cheated and lied, and it kept my feet firmly planted in reality. Eventually, I was no longer consumed with thought over him. I believe that I was engaging in a personal science experiment, so to speak. I was rewiring my brain!

 

A couple of weeks after, I received a text/media message from him. It was of his genitals?! I was shocked and disgusted and told him to never contact me again. He tried a few times, but I was to the point where I was just disgusted. I didn't hate him or wish ill upon him, but I felt sorry for him. And from there, things just got better.

 

 

That's what I do. Every time I get sad or have that urge to take him back when he calls, I think about the lying and how I won't be able to trust him again. But then that just makes me very angry and sick. Last night, I some how became very numb and just fell asleep. I prayed to God I could just get some rest. I did. I don't know whether it was psychological or God really helping me.

 

And that is disgusting he did that to you with the picture. What a piece. Good riddance! How long has it been? Did he try to get you back?

[mercuryshadow]

That's what I do. Every time I get sad or have that urge to take him back when he calls, I think about the lying and how I won't be able to trust him again. But then that just makes me very angry and sick. Last night, I some how became very numb and just fell asleep. I prayed to God I could just get some rest. I did. I don't know whether it was psychological or God really helping me.

 

And that is disgusting he did that to you with the picture. What a piece. Good riddance! How long has it been? Did he try to get you back?

 

He actually sent me a couple of similarly vulgar texts afterward and the only way it stopped was for me to contact his mom, who ended up laying into him, as she was pretty disgusted with his behavior as well. I also believe he was seeing someone new at that point, so it says a lot about his honesty with that girl, too.

 

It's been two years now. He attempted contact again when he found out I was happy and had moved on, but I ignored it and he finally disappeared.

[youngnlove89]

He actually sent me a couple of similarly vulgar texts afterward and the only way it stopped was for me to contact his mom, who ended up laying into him, as she was pretty disgusted with his behavior as well. I also believe he was seeing someone new at that point, so it says a lot about his honesty with that girl, too.

 

It's been two years now. He attempted contact again when he found out I was happy and had moved on, but I ignored it and he finally disappeared.

 

That is awesome for you! Ignoring them is the best we can do I think. I'm just afraid of what will happen and what he will do. I'm afraid I'll become weak and vulnerable. My birthday is coming up and he has a present for me. I'm afraid he will try to get it to me. What do I do?

 

I wish I just hated him. I wish I was confident enough to be okay with leaving him.

[mercuryshadow]

That is awesome for you! Ignoring them is the best we can do I think. I'm just afraid of what will happen and what he will do. I'm afraid I'll become weak and vulnerable. My birthday is coming up and he has a present for me. I'm afraid he will try to get it to me. What do I do?

 

I wish I just hated him. I wish I was confident enough to be okay with leaving him.

 

 

I wanted to share my story with you, but I can't tell you what to do. I know it's hard, I really do. The truth is, though, you CAN be okay with leaving him. You may need to "fake" being okay for a while, but eventually, and probably sooner than later, you WILL be okay. Right now, you should focus on turning off your negative internal dialogue; that little voice that tells you to hang on to him. Go on a personal journey to find what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Incorporate those things into your life. Things will change.

[sweetkiwi]

That is awesome for you! Ignoring them is the best we can do I think. I'm just afraid of what will happen and what he will do. I'm afraid I'll become weak and vulnerable. My birthday is coming up and he has a present for me. I'm afraid he will try to get it to me. What do I do?

 

I wish I just hated him. I wish I was confident enough to be okay with leaving him.

You will get weak, because you haven't been practicing having strength in these situations. Start now, and a year from now it'll be easy as pie.

 

Remember the beater I told you I was with? I had to move to Europe to get away from him, to stop myself from being with him. I still love him, I still miss him, I still dream about him. But I am so much stronger now because I put myself first.

 

I was a confident person before I was with him, and even more so now, but for some reason that man has the ability to make me weak in the knees, to make me forget myself and more importantly, to make me forgive him for things I shouldn't forgive.

 

Get yourself away from this relationship, because if you don't you are starting a vicious cycle. Even when he is out of your life you'll need to remember that as long as you put your own mental and physical well being before anything and everyone, you can't lose. You'll gain momentum and confidence and be unstoppable, and it'll be obvious to everyone, no more attracting users, cheaters, abusers. GOT IT????

[youngnlove89]

You will get weak, because you haven't been practicing having strength in these situations. Start now, and a year from now it'll be easy as pie.

 

Remember the beater I told you I was with? I had to move to Europe to get away from him, to stop myself from being with him. I still love him, I still miss him, I still dream about him. But I am so much stronger now because I put myself first.

 

I was a confident person before I was with him, and even more so now, but for some reason that man has the ability to make me weak in the knees, to make me forget myself and more importantly, to make me forgive him for things I shouldn't forgive.

 

Get yourself away from this relationship, because if you don't you are starting a vicious cycle. Even when he is out of your life you'll need to remember that as long as you put your own mental and physical well being before anything and everyone, you can't lose. You'll gain momentum and confidence and be unstoppable, and it'll be obvious to everyone, no more attracting users, cheaters, abusers. GOT IT????

 

I didn't know you were with a beater. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I'm glad you got away from that. But what worries me is how you say you still miss him and stuff. Is that how we will be forever? Missing the people that treated us wrong while they continue their merry way and be happy?

[sweetkiwi]

I didn't know you were with a beater. I'm so sorry. That's awful. I'm glad you got away from that. But what worries me is how you say you still miss him and stuff. Is that how we will be forever? Missing the people that treated us wrong while they continue their merry way and be happy?

When I love a person, it doesn't just disappear one day. I love them forever. And it just stops hurting eventually. Nothing is wrong with missing someone you shared part of your life with.

 

It's not just the ones who treat you bad either!!! Focus on the positive. YOU CAN BE HAPPY TOO. But you have to start by loving yourself.

[Simon Phoenix]

Block his phone number, take every avenue possible to avoid contact with him. I realize your heart hurts (that's why all of us are on this site, because our heart hurt at one point), but it's clear that your heart has s--t for brains when it comes to this guy. You can't just be all heart, all brains (which is my issue I guess), or all libido. There has to be a mix. You just can't continue this "well, my heart still loves him blah blah blah". It's obvious that acting purely with the heart is not in your best interest. It's time for you to develop more of your self.