I found he was cheating

[Keke1]

That's healthy thinking!!! I admire you, I hope to achieve this state of mind oneday.. Woman does no good with snooping, questioning and suspicion - this drives her insane the long run. The only way to protect yourself and your mentality, your relationship - is to act like this...if one wants to cheat nothing will change if you are suspicious all the time.

 

I admire such people, because this is the only healthy way to have any relationship at all.

 

What if the other person contracts something they never asked for? This isn't even extreme

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand your point about snooping, but what if they lie about doing something and never confess? What do we do then?

 

Some people are untrustworthy. Liars. Cheats. You can feel it in your gut.

 

A while back, I ran across a saying "trust, but verify".

 

I guess I'm wondering if there is a middle ground between snooping and waiting for a liar to confess to us? Because, for some of us, allowing ourselves to be made a fool of is simply unacceptable.

 

Why are you with a person you don't trust in the first place?

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand that snooping is wrong. I get it. That's enough of it though. Whoopie de doo, I snooped. Stop making me feel like I am the bad one. This OP isn't about snooping. It's about someone betraying me and lying to me. How many times do I have to say, YES I WAS WRONG BY SNOOPING? Let's move on...

 

If I didn't snoop, I wouldn't have found out that I was with a guy who lied to me and did things behind my back. I have trust issues, but I also had an intuition that something wasn't right.

 

I'm glad I snooped. I saved myself time by having to uncover the cold bitter truth.

 

He lied to me.

He told me he was hanging out with guys, when he was with her

He went BEHIND MY BACK and hung out with her

Let's say, he didn't do anything, let's say they are really truly just friends...

 

How can I continue to be with him knowing that the trust is gone. Every time he tells me is going out with his buddies, I won't believe him. I will constantly wonder what he really is doing.

 

If this was just friendship, why hide it? Why lie?

 

The most hurtful part he said to me was, "If you can't handle her in my life, then leave because she is someone who be in my life"

 

2.5 years. He said that to someone he's been with for 2.5 years...My feelings didn't take priority. In fact my feelings were thrown to the ground and ****ted on.

 

Do you know how many guys he was worried about when I hung out with them? ALL OF THEM. Most of my friends are guys. Every time I hung out with them I'd offer him to come with us, meet them, get comfortable. I even gave up some guy friends because I wanted to protect his feelings. He was my priority. I wanted my bf more than my guy friend. He came first.

 

In his case, I didn't.

 

Let's be honest, he never consistently has made you a priority. He'll do it for a little while once you come back (like he did this past time), but then he'll revert back to the pattern that continually frustrates you. You have to break this cycle now no matter what.

[SammySammy]

Why are you with a person you don't trust in the first place?

 

I was just throwing out a hypothetical situation. That has nothing to do with me personally.

 

Sometimes things change in relationships. There could be no trust issues in the relationship and then, for some reason, attitudes and behaviors change. Suspicious activity starts to occur. Deceptive practices.

 

What do you do then? Wait for them to confess? Pretend you don't notice? Automatically leave?

 

I'm just asking. If you're already in a relationship with someone, how do you deal with it?

 

I think it would be foolish to ignore the signs of changes occurring in the relationship. Now, we can debate how far one should go in figuring out and addressing what's going on. I'd rather be proactive than reactive though.

[youngnlove89]

Every one is right. No answer is wrong in this situation. It's about doing what makes YOU feel comfortable and happy. I had to dig. Or I would have built it up to anger and exploded in his face randomly. It could have been worse.

 

I asked for an open communication with him where I could tell him "I was wrong when I looked through your email, but this is what I found and this is how I feel about it and now what can we do to fix this?" Instead he felt attacked and accused. Neither person was right. I tried my best to not attack him, but I guess if I were in his shoes, I would have reacted this same way.

 

Sure, they might have not slept together and he might not have cheated. That could very well be true. I'd love to believe that. But when he has been keeping this from me and seeing her behind my back ("because he is afraid of hurting me or causing drama over nothing"), how can I trust him?

 

How can I trust the person I love when he is a liar?

 

Why does someone lie to someone they love? Why does someone have to go behind their loved ones back?

 

I'm hurt because he lied. I'm hurt because I don't know how to trust him now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I was just throwing out a hypothetical situation. That has nothing to do with me personally.

 

Sometimes things change in relationships. There could be no trust issues in the relationship and then, for some reason, attitudes and behaviors change. Suspicious activity starts to occur. Deceptive practices.

 

What do you do then? Wait for them to confess? Pretend you don't notice? Automatically leave?

 

I'm just asking. If you're already in a relationship with someone, how do you deal with it?

 

I think it would be foolish to ignore the signs of changes occurring in the relationship. Now, we can debate how far one should go in figuring out and addressing what's going on. I'd rather be proactive than reactive though.

 

If you know they lied/betrayed, then you break it off. Simple. I trust someone until they do something to betray that trust. Then they are gone. But I feel snooping is sketchy behavior (not commenting on the OP's situation specifically, but in general) and I'm not going to be sketchy to try to catch someone else from being sketchy.

 

I can't control what another person does. I can only control what I do and how I react. I'm not going to get sucked into the vortex of shady behavior based on paranoia or based on someone else's shady behavior.

 

I've been cheated on once. I found out after the fact but once I did, that person was out of my life in every way from that point on out. The only way I'm the fool in that situation is if I either a) accept the bad behavior or b) one up it with bad behavior on my own.

[LostGirl11]

Every one is right. No answer is wrong in this situation. It's about doing what makes YOU feel comfortable and happy. I had to dig. Or I would have built it up to anger and exploded in his face randomly. It could have been worse.

 

I asked for an open communication with him where I could tell him "I was wrong when I looked through your email, but this is what I found and this is how I feel about it and now what can we do to fix this?" Instead he felt attacked and accused. Neither person was right. I tried my best to not attack him, but I guess if I were in his shoes, I would have reacted this same way.

 

Sure, they might have not slept together and he might not have cheated. That could very well be true. I'd love to believe that. But when he has been keeping this from me and seeing her behind my back ("because he is afraid of hurting me or causing drama over nothing"), how can I trust him?

 

How can I trust the person I love when he is a liar?

 

Why does someone lie to someone they love? Why does someone have to go behind their loved ones back?

 

I'm hurt because he lied. I'm hurt because I don't know how to trust him now.

 

You can't and wont trust this man again. You can 'try' but it will wear you down. It will drain the life out of you and you'll pretend you're just fine. I feel your pain. This relationship, like mine was, is far far too tarnished. Love isn't and shouldn't be hard work.

[youngnlove89]

You can't and wont trust this man again. You can 'try' but it will wear you down. It will drain the life out of you and you'll pretend you're just fine. I feel your pain. This relationship, like mine was, is far far too tarnished. Love isn't and shouldn't be hard work.

 

I know. That's what I'm afraid of. I'll miss him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know. That's what I'm afraid of. I'll miss him.

 

Of course you'll miss him. But what happens every time you cave and come back? This.

[youngnlove89]

Yea. You are right.

 

This too shall pass.

[LostGirl11]

Yea. You are right.

 

This too shall pass.

 

I miss my ex too. The pain is too much, but too much has happend to go back. My ex has never lied to me though so I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

 

Your ex is going to try every trick in the book to make you stay, but his words are empty. When he tells you what you want to hear please don't fall for it and get a high from it because you'll soon come crashing down, again.

[therhythm]

My question to all those high moral and defenders of privacy ( I am a very private person too but there are limits!)... if you don't have anything to hide why do you need that much privacy or why would you not give the peace of mind to someone who is insecure? Not everyone has the same level of maturity or self confidence... and not even people with strong self confidence have that confidence all the time .... Trust is earned not given

 

To OP, I told you already this but I totally mean it:

 

A loser will make you jealous of other women a keeper will make other women jealous of you ;)

[therhythm]

How do you give someone that peace of mind? Give them all your passwords?

 

Speaking for myself, I am anal about online security, so I have a different password for everything. I don't know any of them, they're maintained in a database. Last check, there were well over 40 in there. I remember one master password and that's it.

 

If a partner wanted to look at my stuff, I'd happily log in and show them. But trust is not about handing over every password for your partner to have. It's about being secure enough to not need it.

Trust is also about allowing other people to feel comfortable with you, you earn the trust ... is not a free gift!. We are humans not machines and we all feel insecure in a given moment.

In my experience people who tend to act secretive is because has something to hide

[therhythm]

You didn't answer my question...

 

What question... how to give this people the peace of mind? Easy allow them to have access to your stuff... probably they will not even check it if you do, is more when people shows an overprotective way with their emails, telephone etc when people tend to become suspicious ...

[therhythm]

I would let them look at whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. All they'd have to do is ask, and I would show them immediately. But they have to ask. Not be handed all my details permanently. It's called respect.

 

That is good for me! I actually think very much like you but I have learned that not everyone is as self confident as I am and there is people who is afraid to ask for fear to annoy you so they snoop... how to avoid it... since you don't mind them to see your stuff and you don't have anything to hide...why not hand all your details? I see no point on keeping that information if you have nothing to hide.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am playing devil advocate here, I prefer to have a partner who just trust me and do not control me. I am just trying to explain why people act in different ways as we do, and their choices are many times validated because they find their gut was right (as OP).

 

I just choose to be understanding and not judgmental of other peoples ways to deal with their insecurities because I also have mine and I don't like to be judged on them

[Vials]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I really don't see why aspiringguitarheroine is attacking YNL for snooping so harshly. Yes snooping is wrong, but it was probably done when the trust was already broken down. I would only snoop if I had reason to. If there were little things about the guy that were making me suspicious, and setting off alarms.

 

Snooping isn't the big crime here. Lying is. Going behind your SO's back is. THANK GOODNESS the OP snooped, because if she hadn't, she'd still be with that pathetic loser of a lying boyfriend. And I can't see a happy ending there.

 

And that bit about "you can leave if you don't like it but she won't be leaving" or something to that effect? Obviously, YNL, this ex gf takes priority. Good, let them be in "love". They're nothing but losers who deserve each other in their loserly relationship. Your (ex) bf will probably cheat behind her back one day too. Why would you want a R with such a toxic person anyway?

[Betterthanthis13]

I am so pissed I suggested whack a mole for this dip****. He is not worthy of my metaphor!!!

 

No, you don't have proof that he physically cheated but cheaters only cop to what they are caught red handed with, their motto is deny deny deny, and he basically told you he was going to do whatever he felt like and lie to you about it so seriously-----he is NOT worth your trust or your time. Your gut was right all along. You can trust your instincts from now on. Rock solid. Don't ever doubt them again. That's the silver lining from this heartbreak. I'm sorry, girl!!

Edited July 14, 2013 by Betterthanthis13

[Keke1]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I really don't see why aspiringguitarheroine is attacking YNL for snooping so harshly. Yes snooping is wrong, but it was probably done when the trust was already broken down. I would only snoop if I had reason to. If there were little things about the guy that were making me suspicious, and setting off alarms.

 

Snooping isn't the big crime here. Lying is. Going behind your SO's back is. THANK GOODNESS the OP snooped, because if she hadn't, she'd still be with that pathetic loser of a lying boyfriend. And I can't see a happy ending there.

 

And that bit about "you can leave if you don't like it but she won't be leaving" or something to that effect? Obviously, YNL, this ex gf takes priority. Good, let them be in "love". They're nothing but losers who deserve each other in their loserly relationship. Your (ex) bf will probably cheat behind her back one day too. Why would you want a R with such a toxic person anyway?

 

Well Aspiring would rather not know she was being cheated on. Seems snooping is worse to her than being cheated on. I don't understand the big deal like at all. Even if she looked she shouldn't have found jack if this was a guy who really cared for her. Now I think she needs to leave. She isn't number 1 in this guy's life

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm not a huge fan of waiting until my annual OB/GYN exam and having them tell me my boyfriend is cheating with a surprise case of some festering STI.

 

I vote reading an email on an open laptop is the lesser crime here.

 

Our society promotes cheating like its a fun hobby these days with websites like Ashley Madison... "Life is Short... Have an Affair"

 

The poster who was telling OP she shouldn't have spied said that everyone gets cheated on at least once in their life, insinuating its not all that big of a deal....

 

Contracting even HIV once in my life is kinda sorta a big deal to me. I think ill pay attention to what's going on in my relationships.

[youngnlove89]

Aspiringuitar-whatever-hero probably has her own internal conflicts with a similar situation as me. This might have pushed a button, obviously. Her words do not bother me. I appreciate everyone's opinion. She put in her own dedicated time for my thread, I am honored.

 

How many times do I have to say I know I was wrong? Snooping isn't right and I've stated that several times to avoid this argument for that reason. Unfortunately, there will always be someone starting something versus just focusing on the main issue...my boyfriend LYING to me.

 

I don't feel any guilt from snooping. I feel relief that I now know what is going on. Being in the dark isn't something I want. Especially when I made this man my priority.

 

My stomach has been in knots all day as I continue to question what else he has lied about. My mind is consumed from my own driven nightmares of what they have done when they hang out together. Is it that innocent? Was he really trying to protect my feelings and avoid conflict? Does he really just like her as a friend? What does she feel? Why did he do this to me?

 

Thing is, he answered every question I had. But guess what, I didn't believe him. He is a liar.

[ChessPieceFace]

But the fact is he lied. Lying is betrayal. Lying is cheating. If you have to lie to your girlfriend, you are hiding something.

 

Cheating is cheating.

 

Lying is lying.

 

...

 

I see a lot of histrionics in your post, indicating that you probably CAN'T handle honesty. I'm betting you needled your BF time after time about his female friend / ex and he finally just went off on you, and some of that was deserved.

 

That said, he's a lying PoS.

 

Move on. Fix yourself.

[therhythm]

No, it's a good question. It actually brings us back to the OP.

 

So, she had access to her boyfriend's email Presumably, she got access one of 3 ways:

 

1). She asked for the password and he obliged.

2). She hacked his account with a keylogger/guessed it, or obtained it some other way without him knowing.

3). It doesn't have a password on it, and she just looked.

 

No 1 is probably the most likely. But herein lies the rub. She asked for his password and he agreed, because they both said "I have no secrets and I am trustworthy, and I expect you to be the same." But by snooping on a partner's email, you are proving that you are not trustworthy and that you are suspicious. It doesn't matter that her boyfriend lied. It was stupid, clearly, but irrelevant to the behaviour. By asking for the password under the guise of trust, and then snooping, you are actually proving that you are not trustworthy.

 

And that's the problem. We dress it up as being "Oh look, my relationship is so solid, we share everything!" when actually, its not. This is how snooping almost always happens - partners exchange details under the guise of trust, and then use it against their partners. A person who actually trusted their partner, would not ask in the first place. It takes 3 mins to set up a new email address. I did it the other day, for this website, because my personal one has my actual name, and I didn't want to use it. There's nothing in that inbox except some spam, and the welcome letter. But that's how easy it is. Having these details will not increase the level of trust in your relationship. It'll only increase the level of insecurity.

I am sorry but by sharing the passwords you are actually allowing other person to look at your stuff... There is not snooping involved anymore. Snooping is checking someone's activities online without the permission of the other person... Once that permission is given you cannot call it snooping anymore.

[Els]

Oh, YL.

 

I've read a few of your other, previous threads and have long thought that you have needed to seriously reconsider this R, tbh. You're constantly trying to twist yourself into pretzels to become 'a better partner' to him, more accommodating, less insecure, less jealous... but sometimes gut feelings are there for a reason. Sometimes it's the other person and their actions that are evoking VERY RIGHT feelings of insecurity, and they should be paid attention to. Seems like this is one of those cases.

 

It doesn't MATTER whether he slept with her physically or not. He's been lying about her, going around behind your back, he's even told you: "well if you can't accept her being in my life, then you can leave". Doesn't that tell you what you need to do?

 

I actually do talk to my exes, but only because my bf knows about it and is okay with it. I'd never do what your bf is doing to you, even if I value the old friendships with them. Some things are more important.

[therhythm]

We'll have to agree to disagree. Even if I had my partner's passwords (it's such a foreign concept to me!) I would still ask. I'd feel sneaky and wrong if I didn't. Just because I have them, doesn't mean I should just look whenever I feel like it.

 

I think having your partner's passwords is appropriate if they have cheated and you're attempting reconciliation. Break the trust, you have to earn it back. Otherwise, I see no point. If it was a bona-fide way to "infidelity-proof" your relationship, I'd be all for it. But since it's not, I see no point.

 

No one ever had my passwords or I requested to have them but what I am trying to say is that different people have different relationships and different ways to deal with privacy... My way works for me but it doesn't have to work for anyone else.

For you snooping is a deal breaker, that is fine, for me lack of trust is a big problem too... If it happens once I would try to understand if it was my behavior the one that leaded my partner to be suspicious, if it is just a controlling maneuver then it is a deal breaker for me too.

Anyway there is a big difference between privacy and secretism... The first one is a right of every person the second one is a deceiving way of acting and very damaging for any relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

What question... how to give this people the peace of mind? Easy allow them to have access to your stuff... probably they will not even check it if you do, is more when people shows an overprotective way with their emails, telephone etc when people tend to become suspicious ...

 

I couldn't disagree more with every aspect of your opinion here.