I found he was cheating

[therhythm]

I couldn't disagree more with every aspect of your opinion here.

 

That is fine, you can disagree with me, I am not claiming to have the right answer... there is no correct answer... different people different ways to go in a relationship...

[Simon Phoenix]

That is fine, you can disagree with me, I am not claiming to have the right answer... there is no correct answer... different people different ways to go in a relationship...

 

People get into this snooping crap because they don't have set boundaries of what is or isn't acceptable behavior. I have never once wanted to snoop or have access to my girlfriend's e-mail/phone/whatever. That's her business and I'm not here to play her den mother. I treat people like adults. Therefore, if they screw up, they get adult consequences. You cheat, you're gone. If I don't trust you, I'm not going to be with you. Having a line in the sand and enforcing that line is a lot more defensible than playing private investigator.

[Tom1981]

People get into this snooping crap because they don't have set boundaries of what is or isn't acceptable behavior. I have never once wanted to snoop or have access to my girlfriend's e-mail/phone/whatever. That's her business and I'm not here to play her den mother. I treat people like adults. Therefore, if they screw up, they get adult consequences. You cheat, you're gone. If I don't trust you, I'm not going to be with you. Having a line in the sand and enforcing that line is a lot more defensible than playing private investigator.

 

Except sometimes you won't find out your gf is cheating if you don't snoop. And you think everything's sweet while your gf is out boning some random dude. But if you snooped, truth would be uncovered.

[Tom1981]

Not true, there are loads of ways a cheater slips up. They leave a receipt in the pocket of their pants that gets found during wash day. A friend or colleague sees them and tips you off. You smell perfume/aftershave on their clothes or in the car. Or, the affair partner dobs them in (very common when the cheater promises the world and doesn't deliver).

 

That's why cheating is so risky, there's so many avenues to get caught. Snooping isn't the only way. Effective, perhaps, but not the only way. Especially if the cheater covers their tracks. Separate phone/email/bank accounts make snooping even less effective, and in plenty of cases, impossible.

 

But do you really have to wait for any slip-up when you have simpler way to get needed info? OK, snooping is not good in general, but if you find something worse via snooping (like proof of cheating), I'd give a free pass for a snooping one. Not so if they didn't find anything and were just generally paranoid.

[Tom1981]

Snooping on adults just doesn't sit right with me. It's too much of a slippery slope. I don't want to be cynical or suspicious of someone I love. I prefer to have faith in them.

 

At what point do you get suspicious enough to justify snooping? There's lots of reasons a partner might act cagey or weird, or tell a little fib or two. Seen it plenty of times - it never meant cheating, it was always something silly and innocuous.

 

Insecure people jump straight to "cheating" as the reason. I'm not insecure. I'd rather have faith in them and be so high on the moral high ground I need an oxygen tank.

 

Snooping on trustworthy, healthy adults doesn't sit well with me.

Snooping on filthy liars who would spit on you and tell you it's raining - if you have no other way to find out sure, why not?

[Tom1981]

Which brings me back to something I said earlier - if they're a filthy rotten liar, you really shouldn't have anything to do with them - much less be in a position to read their email...

 

We agree to disagree.

 

Entire problem is in how you discover that. If it involves snooping, I don't have a problem with that - being a filthy liar is IMO worse.

 

I'd think of it as of a "sting operation" LOL.

[Treasa]

ChessPieceFan wrote something that I completely agree with. The world hasn't collapsed in on itself, so I think you should do exactly what he said.

 

Block this ******* from all communication and move on and fix yourself.

 

I was once where you are. Looking back, I'm horrified that I was ever that dependent on a man to feel complete and happy. Being single is so much better than any guy I've ever been with. But it took an awful lot of work to get here, and will always take work to sustain.

 

You can be happy without this douchebag, I promise.

[youngnlove89]

The reason why I snooped is because of his actions.

 

He first told me that she had a boyfriend and they might hang out. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He said don't worry we probably won't.

 

A couple weeks later the subject was brought up again. I don't remember exactly how the subject was brought up but he caught himself in his own lie about her having a boyfriend. He said she doesn't have a boyfriend, what are you talking about. I told him how he just told me a few weeks ago that she had one. He told me he lied about that to make me feel more comfortable about the situation. Hmm. I didn't like that.

 

Then lately he has been hanging out a lot lately with this new guy friend. Like a lot. And I would joke about how he has a new boyfriend. They were always doing stuff together. But it just felt off.

 

One day he was outside and his email was up. I decided what the heck. I found the email. It was just a link to a picture of a sleeping bag. Nothing bad. And there friendship is probably purely platonic. But what made me upset was how he lied to me about it.

 

Then he told me how "wouldn't you rather want me to tell you I'm hanging out with my guy friend versus her?" and how he told me they have hung out several times. How shady.

 

There haven't been many "signs". At all really. I just had the urge. I just did it. No reason. It's done.

 

I really hate how this whole subject has been turned around about snooping. I hate that. It's rude. I didn't come here to talk about snooping. I came here to ask whether or not what he did was okay. What should I do. Is him being secretive over a true friendship okay? Do you think he is hiding more. The subject is about his deceit, not snooping. Please respect my thread.

Edited July 14, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Betterthanthis13]

Snooping does not equal 'paying attention to a relationship'. You've got to be kidding!!

 

Of course snooping is not equivalent to paying attention to a relationship. Only a psycho would think that.

 

Paying attention to your instincts and gut feelings about someone and noticing when something is "off", or just doesn't feel right is important.

 

So in a new relationship, what do you do when this "off" feeling happens? That was her original dilemma.

 

Summary of Problem: in relationship less than 1 year. instincts tell me something is wrong. Is my guy cheating? Are my instincts overreacting due to past trauma of bad relationships and prior assault? I'm creating problems in relationship with my jealousy.

 

Possible solutions:

 

1. Leave relationship based on instincts

2. Ask him if he's cheating

3. Just trust him and wait

4. Find evidence and leave relationship

5. Find evidence and stay anyway

 

 

For the record, I gave her the advice to try to really trust him without reservation for 2 days and see how it felt, and then analyze on Monday.

 

So lets review her options.

 

#1 - best option but least likely to happen. People act weird for all sorts of reasons besides cheating. If you break up with someone every time you get a little paranoid you will never be in a long term relationship

 

#2 - cheaters lie so this is irrelevant if he's cheating although you will always get advice, "just talk to him..."

 

#3- best way to get an STI if you are with a cheater long term, but also the only way to build trust. I suggested she do this for 2 days because she was in such a state of panic about the guy there was no way it could work, somehow things were coming to a head either way, she really needed some truth from him and look- she finally got it. Not because my advice worked I'm just some random lady on the Internet, but because she's going through what we all go through when we are in a relationship with a snake who is pretending to be a human being. It sucks and it's hard to figure out. Stop picking on her we should be thanking her for sharing her thoughts publicly so others going through this can learn from it.

 

In your estimation this whole thing is her fault? Wtf?

 

#4- snooping is wrong. No arguments there. There is no room for snooping in a healthy relationship. In a situation like the OP's, where she is caught between a rock and a hard place struggling to know what's real, being deceived by lies, she did absolutely nothing wrong. She gets an exception to the no snooping rule for her own health and safety just like the CIA can go spy on other countries to make sure we don't get bombed if we think there is a threat.

 

#5- I really hope she doesn't do that.

[Betterthanthis13]

The reason why I snooped is because of his actions.

 

He first told me that she had a boyfriend and they might hang out. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He said don't worry we probably won't.

 

A couple weeks later the subject was brought up again. I don't remember exactly how the subject was brought up but he caught himself in his own lie about her having a boyfriend. He said she doesn't have a boyfriend, what are you talking about. I told him how he just told me a few weeks ago that she had one. He told me he lied about that to make me feel more comfortable about the situation. Hmm. I didn't like that.

 

Then lately he has been hanging out a lot lately with this new guy friend. Like a lot. And I would joke about how he has a new boyfriend. They were always doing stuff together. But it just felt off.

 

One day he was outside and his email was up. I decided what the heck. I found the email. It was just a link to a picture of a sleeping bag. Nothing bad. And there friendship is probably purely platonic. But what made me upset was how he lied to me about it.

 

Then he told me how "wouldn't you rather want me to tell you I'm hanging out with my guy friend versus her?" and how he told me they have hung out several times. How shady.

 

There haven't been many "signs". At all really. I just had the urge. I just did it. No reason. It's done.

 

I really hate how this whole subject has been turned around about snooping. I hate that. It's rude. I didn't come here to talk about snooping. I came here to ask whether or not what he did was okay. What should I do. Is him being secretive over a true friendship okay? Do you think he is hiding more. The subject is about his deceit, not snooping. Please respect my thread.

 

Sorry!!! I just finished posting my snooping post then I read this no more snooping posts.

 

Reading an open email is debatable whether it is snooping or not. It doesn't matter anyway in my mind--I don't think you were wrong for reading it no matter what since you have your doubts about the guy and the history you two have.

 

But it is definitely NOT COOL he is hiding a "friendship" with an ex-gf, planning hiking trips with her, and lying to you about it. Under no circumstances is that ok. Is this the one he sent the pics of the sleeping bags to?

[youngnlove89]

I think what makes this so hard for me is my birthday is in two weeks. This was the first time I was expecting a present from him and the first time he actually has one for me. On top of that we had made a mini vacation for my birthday and now that would all be gone.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I ignore him now or after my birthday? He still hasn't called me. I'm still upset and hurt. And even if he did call me, I wouldn't know what to say to him.

 

In a way I want it to be over. But I also don't want to ruin my birthday plans and this bday present was a big deal to me.

 

I know I would be better off to ignore him and never talk to him again. I think that would be admirable to be able to say I left when someone betrayed me. But what about when my birthday comes around and I have to do these plans that I made for us by myself. I will be hurt. Sad. Lonely.

[youngnlove89]

Sorry!!! I just finished posting my snooping post then I read this no more snooping posts.

 

Reading an open email is debatable whether it is snooping or not. It doesn't matter anyway in my mind--I don't think you were wrong for reading it no matter what since you have your doubts about the guy and the history you two have.

 

But it is definitely NOT COOL he is hiding a "friendship" with an ex-gf, planning hiking trips with her, and lying to you about it. Under no circumstances is that ok. Is this the one he sent the pics of the sleeping bags to?

 

It's okay. I liked your post anyways. It was valid.

 

Yes this is the same girl he sent a picture of the sleeping bag too.

 

If she was just a friend, why lie about it, why go behind my back?

 

He said to protect my feelings. To avoid drama because he knows I'd freak out. He said I wouldn't understand that they are just friends, and he is right. I don't understand because he lied to me.

 

If he would have just said, "hey, i'm hanging out with an ex, but she is just a friend. we are going out for a beer tonight and i'd love for you to come and meet her so i can introduce you two"

 

Do you know that I would be totally okay with that! He would have showed me Respect and Honesty. I wouldn't have this issue right now.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The reason why I snooped is because of his actions.

 

He first told me that she had a boyfriend and they might hang out. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He said don't worry we probably won't.

 

A couple weeks later the subject was brought up again. I don't remember exactly how the subject was brought up but he caught himself in his own lie about her having a boyfriend. He said she doesn't have a boyfriend, what are you talking about. I told him how he just told me a few weeks ago that she had one. He told me he lied about that to make me feel more comfortable about the situation. Hmm. I didn't like that.

 

Then lately he has been hanging out a lot lately with this new guy friend. Like a lot. And I would joke about how he has a new boyfriend. They were always doing stuff together. But it just felt off.

 

One day he was outside and his email was up. I decided what the heck. I found the email. It was just a link to a picture of a sleeping bag. Nothing bad. And there friendship is probably purely platonic. But what made me upset was how he lied to me about it.

 

Then he told me how "wouldn't you rather want me to tell you I'm hanging out with my guy friend versus her?" and how he told me they have hung out several times. How shady.

 

There haven't been many "signs". At all really. I just had the urge. I just did it. No reason. It's done.

 

I came here to ask whether or not what he did was okay. What should I do. Is him being secretive over a true friendship okay? Do you think he is hiding more. The subject is about his deceit, not snooping. Please respect my thread.

 

Younglove89

 

This guy lied to you repeatedly. Probably 10x more than what you know about.

 

He has admitted he lied. He has said he lied to help you, because you would rather he lied to you. (Delusional much?)

 

Is he cheating physically with her? Probably. Is he cheating emotionally with her? Absolutely. Their little secret rendezvous? Yeah that is cheating.

 

Being mad about how you figured it out? Deflection.

 

He is showing you who and what he is. Believe him.

 

You dump him. Block him and cut it off.

[youngnlove89]

He said how they have hung out "several times". It made me sick. Even if she is just a friend. It's like does she even know about me?!

 

Then he told me, "I want you to know that I've cancelled my plans with her many times to hang out with you"

 

As if that were to make me feel better.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think what makes this so hard for me is my birthday is in two weeks. This was the first time I was expecting a present from him and the first time he actually has one for me. On top of that we had made a mini vacation for my birthday and now that would all be gone.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I ignore him now or after my birthday? He still hasn't called me. I'm still upset and hurt. And even if he did call me, I wouldn't know what to say to him.

 

In a way I want it to be over. But I also don't want to ruin my birthday plans and this bday present was a big deal to me.

 

I know I would be better off to ignore him and never talk to him again. I think that would be admirable to be able to say I left when someone betrayed me. But what about when my birthday comes around and I have to do these plans that I made for us by myself. I will be hurt. Sad. Lonely.

 

Yes you should do them alone or with a real friend. At least you don't have to spend time with someone and have to watch your back.

[Betterthanthis13]

He said how they have hung out "several times". It made me sick. Even if she is just a friend. It's like does she even know about me?!

 

Then he told me, "I want you to know that I've cancelled my plans with her many times to hang out with you"

 

As if that were to make me feel better.

 

Ugh!!! Manipulation at its finest. He's trying to make you feel guilty he had to cancel plans with the girl he was lying to you about seeing behind your back???

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He said how they have hung out "several times". It made me sick. Even if she is just a friend. It's like does she even know about me?!

 

Then he told me, "I want you to know that I've cancelled my plans with her many times to hang out with you"

 

As if that were to make me feel better.

 

See more lies. Chose not to have a relationship with someone who does not respect you.

 

You chose.

[youngnlove89]

Younglove89

 

This guy lied to you repeatedly. Probably 10x more than what you know about.

 

He has admitted he lied. He has said he lied to help you, because you would rather he lied to you. (Delusional much?)

 

Is he cheating physically with her? Probably. Is he cheating emotionally with her? Absolutely. Their little secret rendezvous? Yeah that is cheating.

 

Being mad about how you figured it out? Deflection.

 

He is showing you who and what he is. Believe him.

 

You dump him. Block him and cut it off.

 

 

And then how I asked him if I could meet her and how he said, "HA! I'd love to see how that would turn out!" because he thinks I will freak out on her. Which I wouldn't. But I'd like to ask her some questions, which I feel I have every right to.

[Betterthanthis13]

If you take the problems you are having with this guy and project 3 years in the future you have my problems. We live together and I have to get out of this awful mess. If you take my problems and project 10 years into the future I have the problems of the people giving me advice on the infidelity forum who are married and have kids and divorced and going through all sorts of horrors from not leaving these liars when they had the chance.

 

They don't change and it never gets better. Let him find someone of his own kind with shady morals to pair up with. You can do much better. I hate when people say that because it sounds so lame and generic but it is true. There are men who have strength of character, can articulate what their ethics and morals are, and don't wander about aimlessly through relationships doing whatever feels good to them at the moment, leaving a wake of destruction and pain behind them. You deserve one of those guys.

[youngnlove89]

MY heart is just broken and confused.

 

I know what I need to do.

 

I know it's going to hurt.

 

I'm afraid I won't be strong enough as my history has proven so.

 

And I'm really upset that my birthday is ruined.

[Eggplant]

He treats you like sh*t. He lied so as "not to cause drama." That's not a reason to lie. I don't know if he slept with her, but it doesn't matter. Never talk to him again. Keep your dignity.

[youngnlove89]

If he did sleep with her, in that case, it's better NOT to know.

 

I can't imagine the pain I would feel. I don't want too.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Your birthday isn't ruined. It's going to be different. Maybe a coming out party (coming out of dis-functional relationship)? You have two whole weeks to create the best birthday ever.

 

I think you need to take your power back. Drive your own bus, go where you want to go. Invest in you and your needs, health, happiness.

 

We got your back.

 

Did you block him yet? Don't wait for the call, text, email that may never come. Do it because you want it.

[sweetkiwi]

If he did sleep with her, in that case, it's better NOT to know.

 

I can't imagine the pain I would feel. I don't want too.

.....You want to choose ignorance.....??????

 

I have had a relationship where I thought he cheated, but could never get proof. Trust me, the truth is better than a sea of doubt.

[Els]

MY heart is just broken and confused.

 

I know what I need to do.

 

I know it's going to hurt.

 

I'm afraid I won't be strong enough as my history has proven so.

 

And I'm really upset that my birthday is ruined.

 

You've gotta cut the cord someday, YL. I know it hurts, but it's like ripping an old bandaid off. The pain of a few weeks, months even, is better than wasting years of your life on this jerk who doesn't deserve it.

 

Please stay strong this time. There will be other guys who will actually treat your heart as precious when you give it to them, instead of stomping on it. Promise.

 

Is this your first LTR?