I found he was cheating

[youngnlove89]

No I haven't blocked him yet. I don't want to do that.

 

.....You want to choose ignorance.....??????

 

I have had a relationship where I thought he cheated, but could never get proof. Trust me, the truth is better than a sea of doubt.

 

Really? I think that would be so painful. But I guess right now I'm in that big sea of doubt because I don't know. I keep wondering and questioning things.

 

I just think that if I really knew that they did stuff, I'd be wrecked.

 

I've been cheated on before and it hurt so bad. It took me two years to get over it.

[youngnlove89]

You've gotta cut the cord someday, YL. I know it hurts, but it's like ripping an old bandaid off. The pain of a few weeks, months even, is better than wasting years of your life on this jerk who doesn't deserve it.

 

Please stay strong this time. There will be other guys who will actually treat your heart as precious when you give it to them, instead of stomping on it. Promise.

 

Is this your first LTR?

 

Yes it is. I've had other relationships, but this is my first longest relationship. The other two relationships I had the guys cheated on me and left me.

 

I guess I'm following a pattern. Why do I get cheated on?

[Els]

Yes it is. I've had other relationships, but this is my first longest relationship. The other two relationships I had the guys cheated on me and left me.

 

I guess I'm following a pattern. Why do I get cheated on?

 

Well, there could be any number of reasons.

 

My guess would be that you firstly aren't lucky/experienced/good at choosing men who treat you well, and secondly that you don't generally uphold your boundaries well, so you attract guys who think that they can do whatever they want and you'll keep coming back anyway.

 

Do you feel there is any truth in those guesses?

[youngnlove89]

 

I love this guy

[sweetkiwi]

No I haven't blocked him yet. I don't want to do that.

 

.....What are you waiting for?

 

Really? I think that would be so painful. But I guess right now I'm in that big sea of doubt because I don't know. I keep wondering and questioning things.

 

I just think that if I really knew that they did stuff, I'd be wrecked.

 

I've been cheated on before and it hurt so bad. It took me two years to get over it.

 

I am very sorry you experienced that before. But if I were you I would just assume they did do "stuff", hate him, get angry enough TO CUT CONTACT AND STOP THE CYCLE.

[youngnlove89]

Thank you guys

 

I just hate loving a cheater.

[sweetkiwi]

Thank you guys

 

I just hate loving a cheater.

I loved a beater, sh.it happens. Learn.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes it is. I've had other relationships, but this is my first longest relationship. The other two relationships I had the guys cheated on me and left me.

 

I guess I'm following a pattern. Why do I get cheated on?

 

The only ONLY reason people get cheated on is because one person in a relationship chooses of their own free will to lie to their partner, and seek attention and/or physical contact of someone other than their partner without consent.

 

You didn't cause him or anyone else to cheat. There is nothing you can do to cause a person to cheat. They always have other options when faced with temptation or if they are mad at their partner. They can leave the relationship. They can move to another country. They can join a monastery. They can work out their problems with their partner. They can jump off a bridge. Cheating is always the choice that they made, all on their own.

 

As far as a pattern that you can break? Maybe, but not by changing your kind, beautiful self. You are already beating yourself up so much.

 

Next time you are out meeting guys and going on dates, don't be shy about really finding out what their ethical stance is on cheating. It's an interesting social topic that is perfectly fine to talk about in great detail.

 

Maybe not on the first date, and not necessarily using personal stories. The message you are sending to new guys is NOT

 

"I got cheated on before, are you going to cheat on me too?"

 

Oh hell no. That makes you an easy target.

 

But being able to articulate your stance, and assertively challenge and debate the issue in general, can give you a good idea early on if the guy has any sort of moral compass early on. If he isn't interested, changes the subject or just agrees with everything you say, or tells you how pretty you look, or says, Oh, I'd never cheat on you and dismisses it? Red flag.

 

Not a foolproof system but our society is so la-di-da about cheating, it's important to have a filtering system for getting rid of them early on. It's sad but a lot of people who would probably be totally capable of being faithful just aren't these days, because its so easy and acceptable to stray. So hearts get broken and people feel bad only when it's too late.

 

Go find a guy who's already thought about all this and isn't living in his own delusional world of selfishness.

[Keke1]

The reason why I snooped is because of his actions.

 

He first told me that she had a boyfriend and they might hang out. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He said don't worry we probably won't.

 

A couple weeks later the subject was brought up again. I don't remember exactly how the subject was brought up but he caught himself in his own lie about her having a boyfriend. He said she doesn't have a boyfriend, what are you talking about. I told him how he just told me a few weeks ago that she had one. He told me he lied about that to make me feel more comfortable about the situation. Hmm. I didn't like that.

 

Then lately he has been hanging out a lot lately with this new guy friend. Like a lot. And I would joke about how he has a new boyfriend. They were always doing stuff together. But it just felt off.

 

One day he was outside and his email was up. I decided what the heck. I found the email. It was just a link to a picture of a sleeping bag. Nothing bad. And there friendship is probably purely platonic. But what made me upset was how he lied to me about it.

 

Then he told me how "wouldn't you rather want me to tell you I'm hanging out with my guy friend versus her?" and how he told me they have hung out several times. How shady.

 

There haven't been many "signs". At all really. I just had the urge. I just did it. No reason. It's done.

 

I really hate how this whole subject has been turned around about snooping. I hate that. It's rude. I didn't come here to talk about snooping. I came here to ask whether or not what he did was okay. What should I do. Is him being secretive over a true friendship okay? Do you think he is hiding more. The subject is about his deceit, not snooping. Please respect my thread.

 

Posters have repeatedly told you about this ass tho. In some of the posts you liked even. It has turned into snooping but I've read a bunch of posts describing this SOB and recommending that you leave.

[youngnlove89]

The only ONLY reason people get cheated on is because one person in a relationship chooses of their own free will to lie to their partner, and seek attention and/or physical contact of someone other than their partner without consent.

 

You didn't cause him or anyone else to cheat. There is nothing you can do to cause a person to cheat. They always have other options when faced with temptation or if they are mad at their partner. They can leave the relationship. They can move to another country. They can join a monastery. They can work out their problems with their partner. They can jump off a bridge. Cheating is always the choice that they made, all on their own.

 

As far as a pattern that you can break? Maybe, but not by changing your kind, beautiful self. You are already beating yourself up so much.

 

Next time you are out meeting guys and going on dates, don't be shy about really finding out what their ethical stance is on cheating. It's an interesting social topic that is perfectly fine to talk about in great detail.

 

Maybe not on the first date, and not necessarily using personal stories. The message you are sending to new guys is NOT

 

"I got cheated on before, are you going to cheat on me too?"

 

Oh hell no. That makes you an easy target.

 

But being able to articulate your stance, and assertively challenge and debate the issue in general, can give you a good idea early on if the guy has any sort of moral compass early on. If he isn't interested, changes the subject or just agrees with everything you say, or tells you how pretty you look, or says, Oh, I'd never cheat on you and dismisses it? Red flag.

 

Not a foolproof system but our society is so la-di-da about cheating, it's important to have a filtering system for getting rid of them early on. It's sad but a lot of people who would probably be totally capable of being faithful just aren't these days, because its so easy and acceptable to stray. So hearts get broken and people feel bad only when it's too late.

 

Go find a guy who's already thought about all this and isn't living in his own delusional world of selfishness.

 

Sad thing is we had this talk you speak of. In detail. He voice his concerns, I voiced mine. We made a promise. It was broken.

[youngnlove89]

Posters have repeatedly told you about this ass tho. In some of the posts you liked even. It has turned into snooping but I've read a bunch of posts describing this SOB and recommending that you leave.

 

I hate how some people are so ignorant about the fact that my heart is involved.

Yes. I don't want to be with a liar.

Yes. I know I need to move on.

Yes. I know what I need to do.

 

Try telling that to my heart. It's an every second battle.

[na49]

Well no matter what anyone told you, you went with your own instincts. I don't believe that a relationship should cause you to go through the motions that you've gone through since being back together. I really don't think it matters how magical things are when you are with your SO. The time apart from each other really tells you where both of you are at. This isn't an "I told you so" post, because everything I read about your relationship was that things were smooth.

 

You know what's best for you. You've known what's best for you. Everyone here is telling you what's best for you. Eventually you just need to stop touching the fire because it is hot. It will always burn you unless you change something. Going to the gym and having a life are nice, but you'll still crash just as hard if things go sour with this douche rocket. Getting responses from all of us is probably nice, but we won't solve your problems. That's your job. and you ARE capable of doing it if you let yourself. I'm not telling you to make all of these changes today. You're probably heart broken, so take some time to feel your feelings. Get angry, cry your eyes out, and remember to breath, but don't spend months and months writing depressing thread after depressing thread on here.

 

This guy will call you again. He'll give you some sob story saying he's sorry, isn't talking to her, etc. Then it's up to you if you want to forgive him for the one hundredth time. You can call me ignorant if you want, but I've been rooting for you and your happiness since I've read your story and I don't think you deserve to go through what you've gone through for so long. I really want to see you get better.

Edited July 14, 2013 by na49

[Keke1]

No I haven't blocked him yet. I don't want to do that.

 

 

 

Really? I think that would be so painful. But I guess right now I'm in that big sea of doubt because I don't know. I keep wondering and questioning things.

 

I just think that if I really knew that they did stuff, I'd be wrecked.

 

I've been cheated on before and it hurt so bad. It took me two years to get over it.

 

This post right here let's me know that even after being disregarded and disrespected you are trying to find a reason to keep this clown. I'd leave rip the band aid off instead of slowly pulling it. If you had a best friend or sister going through this what would you advise?

[youngnlove89]

Thank Na, but I will continue to post here. That is what this site is for. Don't tell me not to do that. It helps me get it off my chest and in a way it's a journal that I can come back to and read.

 

I appreciate your advice, but if you are annoyed by my threads, you have the option of over looking them. I didn't make any of you come to my thread and post. You chose too.

 

I'm here to vent. Just like I would with a group of friends. I might repeat myself, I might end up in the same predicament, but it's good therapy to just vent and talk and have someone listen.

[Keke1]

I hate how some people are so ignorant about the fact that my heart is involved.

Yes. I don't want to be with a liar.

Yes. I know I need to move on.

Yes. I know what I need to do.

 

Try telling that to my heart. It's an every second battle.

 

Just posted and read this. No most ppl have been there. Aspiring is right if you can't trust them leave. You snooped and found everything you needed to know. I stayed with a liar for years. It hurt for a hot minute and sometimes I think about her but I quickly think to myself NO I didn't deserve to be lied to repeatedly.

The trust is gone it seems. You'd be better off leaving because the constant mind wandering will be even worse than his lying trust that.

[na49]

I know a lot about venting on this website. I had a thread that I used as a journal for like 3+ months. So I'm not saying you shouldn't come here and vent. I'd just like to read something positive out of you for once, about something you are doing to move forward. Whatever works for you.

[youngnlove89]

 

Here watch this.

 

I take them back because I'm codependent and have no self esteem.

 

How do I fix that?

[Keke1]

 

Here watch this.

 

I take them back because I'm codependent and have no self esteem.

 

How do I fix that?

 

Uhhh you need to watch that. He tells you exactly what ppl are telling you. Have you watched it? That dude is kinda funny also.

[youngnlove89]

Of course I watched it.

 

And this one:

 

He made me laugh and realize that I need to think positive to have positive things happen.

 

If I think negative and stay with the negative I will be negative.

 

If I dump the problem, think about the positive reasons why I didn't stay with him and how it will help me in the long run instead of thinking about the negative (like my birthday or not getting a present or not having someone to cuddle with etc) then I will stay with the negative and nothing will ever change.

 

It's time to be positive

[Keke1]

Of course I watched it.

 

And this one:

 

He made me laugh and realize that I need to think positive to have positive things happen.

 

If I think negative and stay with the negative I will be negative.

 

If I dump the problem, think about the positive reasons why I didn't stay with him and how it will help me in the long run instead of thinking about the negative (like my birthday or not getting a present or not having someone to cuddle with etc) then I will stay with the negative and nothing will ever change.

 

It's time to be positive

 

Take that advice and run with it. I feel much better after I stopped allowing the lying. You will to.

[LostGirl11]

Again, I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I'm not going to pretend I do, because I don't but this is so upsetting, I don't know you but I just want to give you a hug.

 

You keep asking yourself if they slept together, will it make a difference if they haven't? I doubt it. Well, it wouldn't in my book anyway....

 

I think it's worse if he hasn't slept with her, he has spent a lot of time with her, lied about it time and time again and now he's the one acting all butt hurt! He's pissed off that he got caught! He's been creeping around with her, going out of his way to spend time with her, this is far more intimate than a quick shag.

 

And god, you should be greatful that he cancelled plans with her to be with you....NOT!!

 

Have you managed to eat anything today?

Edited July 14, 2013 by LostGirl11

[Simon Phoenix]

Except sometimes you won't find out your gf is cheating if you don't snoop. And you think everything's sweet while your gf is out boning some random dude. But if you snooped, truth would be uncovered.

 

If she's good enough to hold it back from me to the point where I don't suspect anything and am happy, then kudos for her. But the moment I distrust and do find out, she's gone. I would rather be miserable temporarily after finding out I've been duped then living my life looking over my shoulder and paranoid. I'm sorry, I just living a life like you stated is a worse hell than being cheated on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Edit: No more snooping talk. And it looks like the cycle is starting for YNL again.

Edited July 14, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

As for your birthday, it's not like this is the last birthday you'll ever have. You are young, there are several more to come. You are inventing excuses again to keep this guy around, as you always do.

[LostGirl11]

As for your birthday, it's not like this is the last birthday you'll ever have. You are young, there are several more to come. You are inventing excuses again to keep this guy around, as you always do.

 

Yep, it's only a birthday. I wouldn't want to spend my birthday with someone that lied to me! Plus, I'd be thinking 'I bet he's wishing he was with her' which he probably will do....