TNicky Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I really think my husband is fooling around! For the last few months, I have had strong suspicions that my husband is stepping out. I don't with who, how, where or why. A few months ago, I realized that my husband was making 20, 40, 60 dollar withdrawals from our checking account, even after he had "his spending money" every payday. Additionally, there are times, almost every evening, after he leaves work, that his cell phone is either turned off or he just doesn't answer well after everybody else in his company has gone home. Finally, on his birthday, my son and I met him for dinner and I noticed an Aaron Neville CD on the passenger seat of his truck with a yellow envelope and a card under it. I asked him whose Aaron Neville CD it was. He said I bought the other night. I heard a song on the radio and wanted the CD. He doesn't know that I saw the card and envelope and I quickly picked everything up and tossed it in the back seat. I said to him, YOU BOUGHT AN AARON NEVILLE CD? He said yeah. I let it go for a few days and then confronted him finally. He was furious with me. Said that he was broken that I had accused him of cheating. He did say that yes he has begun to feel distant from me and that we have nothing in common. Well lately, he has admitted that he has been less productive at work and his boss has been on his a$$. He says he is very stressed out and that I have no idea how much pressure he is under. Most importantly, I just have such a deep instinctly feeling that he is with someone else, both emotionally and physically. My husband is a great looking man, very sociable and a really huge flirt that I have learned to deal with over the last 11 years that we have been together. Does anyone have any feeling for what I am going through? Any similar situations or advice? Please help me through this. T Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I'm going to hand you a big, shiny crayon for you to connect the dots, because you've got a lot of information that you're just not absorbing. Do I know your husband? No. Will men f*ck anything that walks, given the opportunity? You BET. Based on the info you've given, I'd say you have some choices to make. I would suggest sitting him down and telling him you know what's going on, but you want to give him the opportunity to come clean first. Prior to that, I'd get a list of all the numbers he's been calling. Or hire a PI if you have to, for your own peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNicky Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks so much for your reply. I did confront him after the CD indicent and he went crazy, nuts and furious! He said that if anyone was cheating it would be me cause I never want to have sex with him and he is never able to satisfy me. He says I'm the one who has the time and would be able to have someone here during the day with all the kids in school. He made feel like he was a victim of my confrontation. He has always said that he would never betray me, etc. However, I have a gut feeling that he has flirted at some kind of after work gathering with the wrong person and has gotten himself into a situation that just went too far. I have asked him to bring home his receipts from work so that I could prepare them for submission to his company and he said what are you afraid I can't account for them? Additionally, he is always so preoccupied with weird sexual activity and there have been a few incidences where he has tried something totally new during sex with me and I have immediately thought, "where the hell did that come from?" I have tried the "You have the opportunity to come clean, honest and we can work this out", but I think he would never admit to cheating on me, but I think he is either still cheating or did cheat and thinks he will take it to his grave. Please help!!! T Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 "That's my story and I'm sticking to it!" LIE! Never tell! Many of the things your husband has done are classic documented signs of an extramarital affair. All I can say is believe your instincts. He will never come clean to you unless faced with irrefutable proof. It sucks, but now you have to get that proof, or be shown beyond doubt that he is being faithful, either way, you will know. Hire a PI, or start paying attention to every nickel. In an affair they have to pay to play. Be prepared for the best, and expect the worst. Try to decide before you have proof just how you will handle it, will you leave? Will you confront immediately, or stew in it for a while? I am truly sorry you are going through this, it isn't fun, and it isn't fair. -Dazed Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 There's nothing I can say that spock hasn't already except for to watch him closely and learn the signs. Do a loveshack search on signs of a cheater, there's lots of good forums with helpful info here at LS. I would demand to know about the card too. The CD to me is a complete give away, unless it has followed a pattern of his Aaron Neville loving style (doubt it). Continue to look for the tall tale signs. Demand answers. Hire a PI if it's that important, or watch him closely yourself. It may be someone at work if his boss has caught onto it and not happy about it. I am sorry you are going through this and hope it to not be true. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I let it go for a few days and then confronted him finally. He was furious with me. Said that he was broken that I had accused him of cheating. He did say that yes he has begun to feel distant from me and that we have nothing in common. Tnicky, I'm sorry for what you are going through. What you said up above is a red flag. Suggest couples therapy and ask what you both can do to get closer emotionally and physically. Maybe he really is stressed out from work, or having some doubts and insecurities about himself in general?...But just make sure he's being open and honest with you. All the best and keep posting. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNicky Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Dear WWIU: Thanks for your support. During the last "flare up" I did pursue couples therapy in a Christian based setting. He was not real enthusiatic about going and made every excuse in the book for not going. I do know that he has a real low self esteem right now and has always been hard on himself in the past. He was married before and he swears his ex-wife cheated on him and stole money from their account to the tune of about 20K before she just one day left everything. Just took her clothes, some of them, and left everything behind. I remember finding clothes, purses and other items that still had tags on them hidden in the house. She also left expensive furniture, dishes, baskets, etc. I know my husband loves his wife and children, but there are just too many gaps that are left unexplained. He is always worried that I am searching his truck. Every night when he gets home, he checks the caller ID on our phones, even though I am here all day long. What the heck is up with that?? He talks about the guys at work who cheat on their wives and girlfriends. I am so afraid to talk to him about my concerns and suspicions because he just goes crazy, emphatically denying what I suspect. I remember a few years ago, I suspected that my sister was using crack cocaine and confided in my mother who (has a very large mouth) said something to my sister and she went crazy and denied everything saying that I should mind my own business and that I didn't know what I was talking about. Well, a few days later, my sister phone both my mother and I and admitted that she was indeed addicted to crack and needed help. If my husband is cheating, I just with he would come clean and know that he is safe in my love and committment to him to move forward and grow from the transgression. I have told him that I love him and if he is doing something to please be honest and let's work through this. T Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 You are Very Welcome and I am glad to help you out. Sounds like he may need to see a therapist just for himself. Everything you said makes me wonder what is really going on in his head! No doubt I am sure you are wondering the same thing! Trust issues are hard, he obviously has them and alot of baggage from the past aswell. Just tell him how much he means to you, you love him and only want him. Maybe he isn't having an affair, maybe he is...But either way you have the right to know. I agree with what Dazed said, you definately have to decide if he is having an affair how you are going to handle it. Stay or go? I bet he really believes you will walk out on him, even though you've basically told him you won't leave...Not that he doesn't deserve you to...But none of us really know for sure how one would react until a situation like that plops into your life! Keep posting and I hope you hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TNicky Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks I have already decided that if he is actually cheating, I am not leaving this house and all that we have built together. I know that cheating should not be a reason to throw away everything a couple has together, but a symptom of a marriage that is flaundering or suffering. I have told him that if my suspicions are true, that I am not leaving. I am staying right where I am and will continue to put my children, myself and my marriage at the very top of my priority list. I have always been comitted to my family, my husband and my faith. The outcome will be up to him and I will be strong and steadfast! With that said, I sincerely believe that I deserve the truth and the honesty that I have afforded him over the years. I will be mad, hurt and work through all of the fall out for myself and my children and will leave him emotionally to his own conscience. I just want honesty. I still can't deny the deep down instinct that something is going on. T Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 One thing a cheater will do if they aren't caught red handed but have left a clue is to act like the person confronting them is stark raving mad!! They will try and make themselves out to be the victim and will have the audacity to act hurt and in rage at such a suggestion.... Don't let him "head game" you into feeling like a fool. You are very wise to suspect something and it's very possible something is or has gone on. Try and find evidence through his cellphone, e-mails or while he's asleep, do search his truck. If you can't find anything, act like you know and see if he'll confess...if not, break out the big guns and hire a PI. Take care and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Yup! And you do deserve that respect and honesty. Listen to your gut, shield your heart abit. Hope your gut is wrong and he's just having some problems. Either way, some therapy will do good. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 Originally posted by TNicky I have told him that if my suspicions are true, that I am not leaving. I am staying right where I am and will continue to put my children, myself and my marriage at the very top of my priority list. I have always been comitted to my family, my husband and my faith. T Oh, hunny, you are asking for trouble. You just told him he risks nothing by continuing on with what he's doing!!!! What's to get him to stop?!? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 One thing a cheater will do if they aren't caught red handed but have left a clue is to act like the person confronting them is stark raving mad!! They will try and make themselves out to be the victim and will have the audacity to act hurt and in rage at such a suggestion.... Totally true. Even when I confronted her with her secret email account and the links to philanderers.com, she told me that she'd set up that account as "bait" to see if I was cheating on her. I got the indignation and mock hurt too. I don't know what the stats are on cheating spouses who admit their infidelity freely, when they know their faithful spouse would otherwise never find out. But, I doubt it's a very high proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 I know I will never freely admit my affair. But I'm also not stupid. He suspects/knows I'm cheating and I know he knows, but still not admitting it. The marriage is over, he'll figure it out in a couple of months when he sees me with the O-M but I still just can't bring myself to admitting it. Link to post Share on other sites
shaker1973 Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Trust your gut judgement. I lived refused to face the truth until it was too late. There is still time to save this marriage - if you can forgive the cheating - 99.9% of men will never admit it they are cheating - but if you face him and ask him - if he is ahappy - or how does he feel about your marriage their still maybe time to turn the tides. Don't bury your head in the sand wait...good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ovo Posted October 26, 2004 Share Posted October 26, 2004 Originally posted by TNicky I really think my husband is fooling around! Does anyone have any feeling for what I am going through? Any similar situations or advice? Please help me through this. T What exactly are you worried about? If he is cheating then : (i) Do you think he will soon leave you and you don't want this to happen? or (ii) If he is not going to leave you, are you worried he won't spend enough time with you? With (ii) you can turn this around very easily, providing you don't have any hangups about proceeding down this path --- just tell him you don't really mind as long as he tells you every little detail (&you dont get jealous). Allow this to turn you both on. You'll find the game will change & he may well start spending more time with you. With (i) -- sorry, but he is going to leave you. If you really want to stop this from happening, you need to find out why he feels he needs to leave. Getting furious about him seeing someone else is not going to help you -- quite the opposite, you will just hasten his departure. If his reasons are valid, don't fight it if you can't help him. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 Your not going to like me very much, but I can give you a little insight. I am seeing a married man. I know his wife confronted him once. He denied it. We've been together three years. He says, he will always deny it, doesn't want to ose the kids, house everything basically. He'd never leave his wife. I can tell you things to watch for. Cell phone. My MM calls me all the time on his cell. At night he falls alseep on teh sofa, so he can call me, when everyone is asleep, then he goes to bed. After supper, he goes down and instant messanges me on the computer. When he leaves myplace, he always has a shower, so smells freshly washed when he gets home. When he gets home late from work, he doesn't eat dinner at home, because he ate with me. Another thing is he says he's always working late. If he says he's working late, see if his car is there. My guy always parks in the same spot. There are a llot of little things you can notice. Now my MM says his wife has no idea he is cheating. It ws intersting to hear you say, you had a feeling. I hope you are okay, and this works out for you. I konw you must be hurting pretty bad inside. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 I don't want to change the shift of this topic but: My guy always parks in the same spot He is NOT your guy, he never will be. He's using you for sex. He's chosen to stay with her, but needs you as a f*ck now and then.. Move on with your life. Find a man who can offer you more than he can. Link to post Share on other sites
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