Heartbroken. Is this about addiction?

[lessica]

I have recently broken up with my partner of 7 years.

 

He was addicted to prescription pills of 6 of those years. This last year he was unable to continue due to his workplace now testing for these substances. If he wasn't so invested in his career he would have left the job to continue using.

 

After seeking help he was prescribed antidepressants. And now lives of them and alcohol.

 

Since then, he started going out regularly, disappearing all weekend. And not coming home on week nights. He wasn't cheating, he was just drunk and incoherent. Working 14 hour days and then drinking till he was asleep and sleeping in his car. We have lived together the 7 years, he would normally be home every night, and most of the weekend.

 

He is very very bad on alcohol. It has caused him a lot of problems in the past. This change led me to become very angry and anxious. I would verbally attack him when he would finally come home. I would be so worried about him, it would all come out in anger.

 

The constant conflict when he came home was too much, and he decided to leave me. I am devastated and relieved, but incredibly lonely.

 

The break up was very civil, loving actually, and we both were sad to say goodbye.

 

I have always stood up for myself with him, as soon as his actions would interfere with my life I would address it. But never leave. I am working on my masters, pretty independent,. But again, in love, couldn't leave.

 

Part of me feels like I have messed up by abusing him for hurting me, he just wanted to live life and have fun. The other part feels like he is absolutely toxic, and I should have walk away years ago, and had every right to be upset when the person I was with for 7 years dissapears most of the week, and he would continue to hurt me. I am so confused.

 

I feel so utterly torn, and every ounce of my self respect has been taken by letting him be the one to walk away.

 

I really appreciate any thoughts/advice.

[jphcbpa]

strongly suggest al-anon

[justified]

You did the right thing. 7 years is a long time to go through all of that and it sounds like he was gone a good portion of that towards the end. We can only blame ourselves in the long run for any type of abuse we receive if we stay. Him as well. It is good that you recognized that you attacking him was a form of abuse as well as him leaving you hanging was disrespectful but not abuse. Hopefully you both learned a life lesson and will not do that in your following relationships. All we can do is grow and learn. Life is full of lessons and you never stop learning them.

 

You should be very proud of yourself getting your Masters as well cheers to you for that. Good luck and God bless

[heartshapedrocks]

I've been sober and practicing a 12 Step program for 9 yrs.

Addiction bankrupts you physically, mentally, and spiritually. Those actively practicing their addictions ... pills, drugs, booze, sex, money hurt themselves & anyone in the crossfire.

I am sorry all this happened. No one can make an active alcoholic or drug user stop.

The suggestion for al anon is a good one.

Also if you can get a copy of the Big Book called Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a chapter to the wives and to the families. The first 164 pages will outline good information on the dis ease. Good luck to you.

[Cherry1701]

I am in a very similar situation to you.

 

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3. He is not addicted to substances but he is a gambling addict. He has been gambling since the age of 13 - 20 years of his life. He has been very calculated in hiding his addiction from me. In total he has gambled around £30k in the last two years - and much much more before that. Gambling addiction is similar to a alcohol or substance addiction - they need their fix, they will stop at nothing to get it and they will destroy relationships for it. It makes them moody, withdrawn, unpredictable.

 

We tried GA, we tried everything, but he kept relapsing. Like you, there was a lot of anger on my part. I was untrusting and angry most of the time and suffered with severe anxiety.

 

I moved out temporarily after a particularly bad relapse a couple of months ago, I planned to be gone for a couple of weeks at most, hoping he would realise that he could really lose me and kick his addiction for good.

 

In fact what happened is he said he thought it would be best to end the marriage. He said he thought he would never kick his addiction, that I would be happier without him. While devastated I agreed that I could not go on.

 

His addiction took up a big part of our relationship, and I often think the first few years were a lie because I didn't know. I am angry that he didn't fight his addiction and fight for our marriage, hurt and confused.But what I will say is that there were many happy times. We were very much in love, had some wonderful experiences together and were the best of friends. So our break up was loving too, and I feel lost without him.

 

I understand your pain and think that it's so confusing when a relationship ends because of one person's addiction and you feel almost helpless. I often think I could have got more closure if our marriage ended because of falling out of love, or an affair, but with addiction it's more complex.

 

It's been 10 weeks now. I don't miss him or love him or worry about him less, but I feel stronger, I feel relieved. I feel sad but I no longer feel anxious. I can look to a brighter future without thinking 'what if he gambles?' constantly. I just wanted to share that with you and tell you it does get better.

 

Someone recently said to me 'you deserve to live the best life you can live', and I believe that being the partner of an addict that is simply not possible.

 

Give yourself time and space to process your emotions and go through the grieving/healing process. But also surround yourself with loving people.

 

Take care and stay strong x