Husband Looking up Happy Ending Massage

[redfathom]

For weeks now my husband has been looking at Happy Ending massage parlors, in our town/neighborhood. A couple weeks ago he was looking at casual encounters in our town/neighborhood.

 

Over our marriage I have confronted him about porn related things. Now when I snoop--yes I know how some people feel about this--and confront him on things he gets mad and says he can't believe I accuse him of such things. Asks if I think he is the type of person to ruin our marriage over this, etc. He also says if I can't trust him than this relationship won't work. When I asked about the casual encounters he said he looked at reviews to get aroused by people's stories. My problem is that he looks at places near us.

 

Now he has been looking up happy ending massage parlors on yelp, craigslist, Google, Bing, yellow pages, all local places. He even goes to their websites and clicks on map/directions.

 

I have checked our phone record and I don't see where he has called these places and I looked at our GPS and I don't see these addresses in there. However he could still walk in without calling and can find them based on knowing their address.

 

I don't know what to do. If I confront him he will deny it and get angry at me for accusing him of cheating for the 20th time. I guess I would understand the looking to read stories, but WHY look at places near us that he can physically go to?

 

Part of me things it's time to just end the relationship and get divorced. I won't be able to trust him and he keeps looking up things that makes it impossible for me to trust him.

 

Add to our sex life lacking. With him having problems getting aroused or keeping an erection - I think desensitized due to porn.

 

I am happy with our life we have built together. We have a nice house, good money, wonderful pets, similar interests. He is sweet and attentive to me and does nice things for me. I am in my early 30's and think I have to make a choice and soon.

[CarrieT]

I am in my early 30's and think I have to make a choice and soon.

 

This shocked me - when I was reading your post, I would have thought you guys were a lot older.

 

If he is doing this now, then you have YEARS ahead of you with this sort of behavior.

 

Part of me things it's time to just end the relationship and get divorced. I won't be able to trust him and he keeps looking up things that makes it impossible for me to trust him.

If you are this far gone - and he isn't being honest with you - then I would think this is the route you will have to take.

 

You are snooping, yes. And he is lying about what he is doing. You two do not have an open and honest relationship and is that the sort of life-long marriage you wish to establish for yourself?

[redfathom]

This shocked me - when I was reading your post, I would have thought you guys were a lot older.

 

If he is doing this now, then you have YEARS ahead of you with this sort of behavior.

 

 

If you are this far gone - and he isn't being honest with you - then I would think this is the route you will have to take.

 

You are snooping, yes. And he is lying about what he is doing. You two do not have an open and honest relationship and is that the sort of life-long marriage you wish to establish for yourself?

I don't know if he is lying, per se. He doesn't clear his browser history and he KNOWS I snoop. I have told him he should just clear his history and he says part of him likes knowing I snoop as it keeps him in check.

 

He has said he has thought about cheating, but wouldn't risk our life (what we have built together) and relationship. The part about us being so young is true. When does it end. When does "looking" become doing? In 1 month, in 1 year, in 5 years. How much faith (I know I have very little) in him should I have before I find out he did cheat -- which I don't know for sure he would or has. Do you end a marriage on suspicions? I have told him if he cheats we will divorce, plain and simple. Why tempt himself by looking at options for cheating? Do I wait until he possibly does cheat?

 

I feel like a bad person for snooping, but it's a way for me to feel in control of our relationship.

[Realist3]

You need to become a better snooper, because what you are doing is not doing you any good. Don't confront him until you have a good amount of hard evidence. Coming at him 20 times with nothing does you no good.

[camillalev]

This shocked me - when I was reading your post, I would have thought you guys were a lot older.

 

If he is doing this now, then you have YEARS ahead of you with this sort of behavior.

 

 

If you are this far gone - and he isn't being honest with you - then I would think this is the route you will have to take.

 

You are snooping, yes. And he is lying about what he is doing. You two do not have an open and honest relationship and is that the sort of life-long marriage you wish to establish for yourself?

 

 

Agree on all points. get out while you can, you're in your early 30's, still young and with your own life to live. It wont get better from here. Imagine 10 years down the line what this will turn into - and when he will begin to hide his tracks.

[redfathom]

Part of me wants to make a slide show. Add screen shots of his searches and descriptions of what cruise of sex is (with graphic sex picture) what a happy ending is (which ranges from hand job to actually sliding your penis the chicks ass and fingering them), with something that says...you wanted this...and now you can't have this...and last slide would be a wedding ring.

 

How do I snoop better?

[darkmoon]

Part of me wants to make a slide show. Add screen shots of his searches and descriptions of what cruise of sex is (with graphic sex picture) what a happy ending is (which ranges from hand job to actually sliding your penis the chicks ass and fingering them), with something that says...you wanted this...and now you can't have this...and last slide would be a wedding ring.

 

How do I snoop better?

 

bugging equipment, stuff like innocent looking pens that record convos, and tiny recording devices, there's a lot of bugging equipment, on sale on the internet, but if he is not spending money more than usual, I think he's kind of lurker, how they call on-lookers, bystanders, on-line

[Realist3]

Part of me wants to make a slide show. Add screen shots of his searches and descriptions of what cruise of sex is (with graphic sex picture) what a happy ending is (which ranges from hand job to actually sliding your penis the chicks ass and fingering them), with something that says...you wanted this...and now you can't have this...and last slide would be a wedding ring.

 

How do I snoop better?

 

It depends on the specifics of what you have access to. What you risk by going about this piece by piece is driving him further underground. Whether that has happened or not, I have no idea. From what you have said he is okaywith letting you see this, and you have not objected to the point of making him stop. So, at this point is would seem he is exerting a degree of control and you have accepted it somewhat, to where this will be normal to you.

 

Stop accusing him and collect information for the time being. Some information is way better than none.

 

There are a bunch of good snoopers on the Infidelity board that probably have the time to give you a more detailed plan of action.

[redfathom]

I have not seen any odd charges to the credit cards. I have not seen an excessive amount of cash being withdrawn either. I can't see where he has called any of these places. Now I am not able to verify the casual encounters. Which he looked at the other night while I was sleeping.

 

Do you all think looking at porn 3 times a week is too much if we have sex like every 4-6 weeks?

[darkmoon]

I have not seen any odd charges to the credit cards. I have not seen an excessive amount of cash being withdrawn either. I can't see where he has called any of these places. Now I am not able to verify the casual encounters. Which he looked at the other night while I was sleeping.

 

Do you all think looking at porn 3 times a week is too much if we have sex like every 4-6 weeks?

 

sounds a bit low - what are you doing while he is watching the porn?

[redfathom]

The porn thing has been going on for yeeeaaarrrs. We have been married over 10. He usually watches while I am at work. Sometimes even 30 minutes before I get home. I have asked him to stop and then got to the point when I knew he wouldn't. So I have asked him to keep us in mind and make sure we are having a good sex life first. He has told me his sex drive is dwindling and that sex isn't that important to him. Fine and dandy for him to say that except he whacks off a couple times a week and is now looking at casual encounters or out right paying for sex/sexual acts.

 

Meanwhile I am eager and willing. Last time we had sex was 14 days ago and I wanted he and he said he wasn't in the mood, but tried to satisfy me anyways and he got aroused and we had sex. Then we have tried once since and he lost his erection -- said he got too hot and overheated.

[Realist3]

I have not seen any odd charges to the credit cards. I have not seen an excessive amount of cash being withdrawn either. I can't see where he has called any of these places. Now I am not able to verify the casual encounters. Which he looked at the other night while I was sleeping.

 

Do you all think looking at porn 3 times a week is too much if we have sex like every 4-6 weeks?

 

 

That is something to keep watching. BUT, that does not necessarily mean anything that you have not noticed any excessive withdrawals. One of the tricks is to trickle withdraw, $5-10 over the amount at each transaction. After a fairly short period of time one can accumulate a decent stash for a pre-paid credit card.

 

The fact that he is looking at these ads is troublesome. If you are prepared to leave then put your foot down.

[redfathom]

Part of me wants a clean slate. I have told him we have both done so much damage to the relationship that I sometimes think a divorce is best for us to both start over. I think he really fears what we will do if we are no longer together. He has said he would be doing things he shouldn't. I am sure he would be very, very promiscuous. With me there is a safety with having someone to kibosh his antics for fear of damaging the relationship. But my suspicions are damaging to the relationship and to how much I am willing to invest. I piece of me is lost each time he looks at these things. Soon there will be nothing left.

 

I know we would be fine financially. We have not kids other then the four legged kind. We have savings we could split to get our footings being on our own and we have very little debt.

[xxoo]

He has told me his sex drive is dwindling and that sex isn't that important to him.

 

I think he really fears what we will do if we are no longer together. He has said he would be doing things he shouldn't. I am sure he would be very, very promiscuous.

 

Those two statements don't match.

 

His sexual interest in you is dwindling, not his sex drive I'd leave.

[Million.to.1]

Run for the hills woman! ... and do it now. You are still young and can meet someone who will ravish you. You are in your sexual prime. If he'd rather watch porn and head down the road for happy endings with hookers than to have sex with his young, willing wife, then let him.

 

You can do much better.

 

 

Also, if he is saying "This relationship will never work" every time you bring up his obvious online searches, this is what you need to listen to. He wont change. He's trying to make it your problem.

Edited July 14, 2013 by Million.to.1

[KathyM]

I'd say if he's googling the directions to these massage parlors, then in all likelihood, he is driving there. This is more than just curiosity. He is actually planning how to get there. If you need more proof than that, you can install a GPS, or hire a PI. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire. If he were just googling "happy ending massages" once on a whim, it may have just been curiosity, but he has been doing this more than once, and actually looking up driving directions to those places. People don't do that kind of planning if they aren't going to go through with it. Just sayin. . .

[ChessPieceFace]

OP, you can either ruin your marriage (which is what you are doing right now) or you can start addressing the problem, not the symptom. The problem is that your husband isn't satisfied sexually. What is your role in that? Have you been repeatedly "too tired", uninterested, deferring sex? Have you stopped bothering trying to keep things exciting? Do you use excuses to avoid sex?

 

Your husband is an idiot for pursuing gratification outside of the marriage bed, and is also actively ruining your marriage, but I'm betting you are to blame for some of the motivation. Stop treating your husband and his desires as the enemy. Start putting serious effort into restoring the sexual bond with your husband. If you end your marriage without making a wholehearted effort to do that, you will be just as much to blame for the subsequent divorce.

 

Oh, and stop listening to the lies of feminism. If you're dreaming of the perfect man who won't have any issues, if you're dreaming that you can have a healthy sexual relationship without putting in actual effort, dream on.

 

we have sex like every 4-6 weeks

 

4-6 weeks is a mail-order catalog, not a sex life. You let it get to this point without addressing the problem, without going to couples counseling or whatever other options are out there. Now you point to his roaming as "the problem." The problem is actually your dead sex life.

Edited July 14, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[Realist3]

OP, you can either ruin your marriage (which is what you are doing right now) or you can start addressing the problem, not the symptom. The problem is that your husband isn't satisfied sexually. What is your role in that? Have you been repeatedly "too tired", uninterested, deferring sex? Have you stopped bothering trying to keep things exciting? Do you use excuses to avoid sex?

 

Your husband is an idiot for pursuing gratification outside of the marriage bed, and is also actively ruining your marriage, but I'm betting you are to blame for some of the motivation. Stop treating your husband and his desires as the enemy. Start putting serious effort into restoring the sexual bond with your husband. If you end your marriage without making a wholehearted effort to do that, you will be just as much to blame for the subsequent divorce.

 

Oh, and stop listening to the lies of feminism. If you're dreaming of the perfect man who won't have any issues, if you're dreaming that you can have a healthy sexual relationship without putting in actual effort, dream on.

 

I wanted to quote this because is made me LOL about 100 times.

 

Do you honestly think his issue is because he isn't getting the same piece he has had 1000+ times on a more frequent basis is the problem?

 

No. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

[ChessPieceFace]

Do you honestly think his issue is because he isn't getting the same piece he has had 1000+ times on a more frequent basis is the problem?

 

No. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

 

Right. Whether your wife tries to be attractive & interested in you is totally meaningless. Husbands don't deserve to have good sex and shouldn't expect anything like it. If he doesn't accept a sex life that has fallen off a cliff that's totally his problem and she can't be blamed for her role in any of this.

 

Keep buying feminist BS and watch your marriage disintegrate OP. Doesn't matter to me. Be a statistic, what do I care?

[BeholdtheMan]

You don't need to snoop anymore. I think you have enough evidence of where his mind is to walk.

 

You're still young, you deserve better. It's not just that he looks up casual encounters and happy ending massage parlours...it's that he gets angry when you confront him about it. I think that says it all. Time to move on

[SammySammy]

Those two statements don't match.

 

His sexual interest in you is dwindling, not his sex drive I'd leave.

 

I noticed the same thing.

 

Before leaving, I would delve into the sexual dynamics of the relationship. There seems to be more going on that her husband just only wanting to have sex with her every 4 - 6 weeks. It may be possible to resolve whatever issues there are and rekindle their relationship.

[Realist3]

I love it. The misogyny is alive and well here.

 

When a woman poster starts a thread claiming that she's been sexually starving her husband (for whatever reason), you all pounce on her and tell her she's broken her vows to keep her husband happy at home and she deserves whatever she gets, and it's his god-given right to go out and get laid by whoever will have him because she broke her promise to keep him happily satisfied and blah blah blah.

 

Then a female poster comes along like this OP - who says it's her HUSBAND that is witholding the sex because he only approaches her every 5-6 weeks and half of those times, he can't even complete the act. He's constantly looking for a way to whore around at massage parlors and with women on Craigslist and all that crap even though his wife is happy to please him at home if he'd just let her.

 

And she gets a bullsh*t response like this, once again blaming the woman because Mr. Self-Entitled is "bored with the same old piece of ass day after day after day."

 

Therefore, if a woman sexually starves a man, it's HER fault he's out looking to screw whatever breathes. If a woman DOESN'T sexually starve her man and actually wants to be with him sexually, it's STILL her fault because he's bored with the same piece of ass.

 

Some folks will go to any lengths to blame women for every damned wrong thing in this world.

 

OP, shall we also assume you're responsible for the unrest in the middle east, starvation in Africa, and global warming as well?

 

I think you misread what I meant. I didn't say she was starving him at all.

[redfathom]

I do initiate, more so than he does. It doesn't matter though because if he isn't in the mood nothing is happening and if he tries and it fails than that is a step backwards. I have asked him he should see a doctor and he doesn't think so. I have asked him if he wanted an open marriage and he said no. He isn't going to admit if he has cheated. The casual encounters when I mentioned it he said he just liked to read the stories...which then turned into a long conversation in which I was made to feel really guilty so I never hit on the fact that the "stories" he was reading were reviews of LOCAL places to meet people (mostly men) for casual sex.

 

For him to be interested in sex with me it will have had to be a couple days before he has looked at porn. If he looks at it 2-3 times a week than I have to time my initiation carefully. He can't be tired, full, it can't be the morning, it can't be too hot.

 

Often times he does say I shoot him down, which I can't say that I do. I should be able to be in the mood too though and knowing he might be having sex with other people or paying for hand jobs does not put me in the mood. I wonder if I should salvage our marriage by sucking it up and have sex with him when he wants and than hope if he has cheated he has used protection.

 

I have also told him that if I can not satisfy him sexual then he is free and we can divorce that is when he gets upset and says that sex isn't that important in a marriage and it shouldn't be that important to me because it isn't to him.

[SammySammy]

I do initiate, more so than he does. It doesn't matter though because if he isn't in the mood nothing is happening and if he tries and it fails than that is a step backwards. I have asked him he should see a doctor and he doesn't think so. I have asked him if he wanted an open marriage and he said no. He isn't going to admit if he has cheated. The casual encounters when I mentioned it he said he just liked to read the stories...which then turned into a long conversation in which I was made to feel really guilty so I never hit on the fact that the "stories" he was reading were reviews of LOCAL places to meet people (mostly men) for casual sex.

 

For him to be interested in sex with me it will have had to be a couple days before he has looked at porn. If he looks at it 2-3 times a week than I have to time my initiation carefully. He can't be tired, full, it can't be the morning, it can't be too hot.

 

Often times he does say I shoot him down, which I can't say that I do. I should be able to be in the mood too though and knowing he might be having sex with other people or paying for hand jobs does not put me in the mood. I wonder if I should salvage our marriage by sucking it up and have sex with him when he wants and than hope if he has cheated he has used protection.

 

I have also told him that if I can not satisfy him sexual then he is free and we can divorce that is when he gets upset and says that sex isn't that important in a marriage and it shouldn't be that important to me because it isn't to him.

 

That's not true.

 

There are many stories on this site about how withholding sex, love or affection from your mate is damaging to relationships and tends to lead to affairs.

 

Whatever is going on with him or between he and you needs to be resolved or there will be consequences.

[darkmoon]

snooping was necessary for your personal survival