Husband Looking up Happy Ending Massage

[silvermercy]

so I never hit on the fact that the "stories" he was reading were reviews of LOCAL places to meet people (mostly men) for casual sex.

If you're serious about this, then it's 100% obvious and clear as day that he's either gay in denial or at least bisexual!! No wonder now you have all these issues in your relationship!

 

P.S. It's not the first time or the last that gay men are married to women and even have kids with them.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you're serious about this, then it's 100% obvious and clear as day that he's either gay in denial or at least bisexual!! No wonder now you have all these issues in your relationship!

 

P.S. It's not the first time or the last that gay men are married to women and even have kids with them.

 

I was thinking the same thing. He's showing an interest in men. What sort of porn has he been watching? Have you ever suspected before that he's into men?

[redfathom]

Yes he does look at gay porn and straight porn. This is what I meant by I can't satisfy him completely, but he said he would never do anything to risk our marriage - i.e. cheating.

 

I should have known porn was a problem for two reasons: 1. I thought I miscarried and had a doctors appointment I came home 20 minutes early to meet him and he was watching porn. 2. Other times I have come home early unannounced and he was watching porn and told me I didn't call on purpose so I could catch him, at least one time telling me I did this on purpose to be sneaky. Like I need to permission to come home early.

[ChessPieceFace]

Then a female poster comes along like this OP - who says it's her HUSBAND that is witholding the sex because he only approaches her every 5-6 weeks and half of those times, he can't even complete the act. He's constantly looking for a way to whore around at massage parlors and with women on Craigslist and all that crap even though his wife is happy to please him at home if he'd just let her.

 

Some folks will go to any lengths to blame women for every damned wrong thing in this world.

 

Just like you go to any length to blame men and defend women in any circumstance.

 

If the husband were posting on here I'd be verbally smacking sense into him as well.

 

You assume the wife/OP is blameless. That is biased and probably has little basis in reality. It's already proven by her own words that she has given up trying to make the marriage bond work, and is treating her husband like a misbehaving child / criminal to be spied on. Don't you agree that there's no logical conclusion to that mentality than their eventual divorce? So yes, she is to blame for giving up. She is to blame for not seeking couples/marriage counseling (which has not been mentioned so obviously hasn't been attempted.)

 

How about the transition from wedded bliss to where they are now, how did it happen? Did she gain 50 lbs? Sorry ladies but you know very well that looks are crucial to attraction, and I would apply that to husbands who let themselves go as well. If a wife or husband gains 50 lbs and the partner loses interest, the weight gainer holds quite a bit of responsibility for the situation.

 

And if it's not weight, it could be something else. And I doubt anyone's ability to broadcast their own faults in the midst of a complaint thread.

 

You can talk about blame and fairness all day long but these are still the facts:

 

- The Wife/OP is the only person we can directly address here

- As childish as her husband appears to be acting, I seriously doubt she is blameless for the deterioration of the sex in the marriage (2 people are always involved)

- Marriage/couples counseling should be pursued and if the OP doesn't make every effort to pursue marriage counseling, she will hold a lot of the blame as well

 

Time to grow up, stop acting like a child, stop letting your husband act like a child, and take it to the professionals before your marriage is ruined.

[mesmerized]

Don't listen to the chesspieceface. RUN...and run FAST. Also, make sure to never look back!

[redfathom]

Just like you go to any length to blame men and defend women in any circumstance.

 

If the husband were posting on here I'd be verbally smacking sense into him as well.

 

You assume the wife/OP is blameless. That is biased and probably has little basis in reality. It's already proven by her own words that she has given up trying to make the marriage bond work, and is treating her husband like a misbehaving child / criminal to be spied on. Don't you agree that there's no logical conclusion to that mentality than their eventual divorce? So yes, she is to blame for giving up. She is to blame for not seeking couples/marriage counseling (which has not been mentioned so obviously hasn't been attempted.)

 

How about the transition from wedded bliss to where they are now, how did it happen? Did she gain 50 lbs? Sorry ladies but you know very well that looks are crucial to attraction, and I would apply that to husbands who let themselves go as well. If a wife or husband gains 50 lbs and the partner loses interest, the weight gainer holds quite a bit of responsibility for the situation.

 

And if it's not weight, it could be something else. And I doubt anyone's ability to broadcast their own faults in the midst of a complaint thread.

 

You can talk about blame and fairness all day long but these are still the facts:

 

- The Wife/OP is the only person we can directly address here

- As childish as her husband appears to be acting, I seriously doubt she is blameless for the deterioration of the sex in the marriage (2 people are always involved)

- Marriage/couples counseling should be pursued and if the OP doesn't make every effort to pursue marriage counseling, she will hold a lot of the blame as well

 

Time to grow up, stop acting like a child, stop letting your husband act like a child, and take it to the professionals before your marriage is ruined.

I never said I was blameless. Also, I didn't gain 50 lbs. Sure I have gained some weight since getting married at 18...I am still a size 6/8 and not the size 4 I used to be. I exercise to stay in shape.

 

I have no mentioned marriage counseling. I would like to start with IC and if I approach my husband with my concerns on the massages I will recommend MC. But after 10+ years of marriage and porn leading to looking at casual encounters leading to erotic massages I am not sure having another discussion will do anything. We talked about him looking at casual encounters not even two months ago and he looked again and at erotic massages. Forgive me for being disillusioned that he will change if he couldn't even stop himself for looking for two months.

[ChessPieceFace]

After 10+ years of marriage and porn leading to looking at casual encounters leading to erotic massages I am not sure having another discussion will do anything.

 

If you mean between you and him, it won't. There's been a communication and trust breakdown. That's why you need an external party to intervene and start teaching you both the tools to understand and respect each other's needs. Not for someone else to treat your husband like a child, but for both of you to start acting like adults who want to do the work necessary to save a marriage.

 

At 30+, if you want kids, you'd be wise to do everything you can to save your marriage. Especially since you say it's good other than the sex problems. Lots of people here will casually tell you to end your marriage because they have nothing to lose. You do.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Part of me wants a clean slate. I have told him we have both done so much damage to the relationship that I sometimes think a divorce is best for us to both start over. I think he really fears what we will do if we are no longer together. He has said he would be doing things he shouldn't. I am sure he would be very, very promiscuous. With me there is a safety with having someone to kibosh his antics for fear of damaging the relationship. But my suspicions are damaging to the relationship and to how much I am willing to invest. I piece of me is lost each time he looks at these things. Soon there will be nothing left.

 

I know we would be fine financially. We have not kids other then the four legged kind. We have savings we could split to get our footings being on our own and we have very little debt.

You really need to get into marriage therapy quick. If only to validate that you cannot save your marriage. I am no expert but, the porn, the sex site trolling, his admission that he thinks about cheating, could be a sign that he is a sex addict (SA) and is escalating.

 

At 30 and no kids, you guys should be much more sexually active. If he is masterbating frequently, then he would not have had the recovery time to also have sex with you. So yes, it matters.

 

Sorry, good luck.

[redfathom]

I just made an appointment for myself for Friday. If my husband is unhappy with our marriage he needs to talk to me about it and arrange to go to MC. Instead he is looking to risk our marriage and our health and cheat. He isn't even hiding it, but he is actively lying about it.

[pteromom]

Does it really matter if he has actually gone to one of these places or actually hooked up on a casual encounter? I think you have enough already to justify leaving. The fact that you are in a constant snooping mode because your husband is addicted to porn and fantasizing about casual sex is enough. The fact that he doesn't meet your needs and has no desire to try is enough. The fact that he denies he is doing anything wrong is enough.

 

Yes, leaving would be your best option here. Even if it is just a separation. If he wants to get back together, he can prove it through actions - dropping porn and committing to having sexual needs met with only you.

 

(No, I have no problem with porn, but this guy obviously is using it as a SUBSTITUTE for his wife, so I have a problem with that.)

[pteromom]

After reading the rest of the thread, I think your husband is gay. That explains the porn, the casual encounter searches, him losing his erection during sex, and his waning interest in you.

 

This is NOT a deficiency on your part. It doesn't mean you aren't sexy enough or aren't good enough.

 

He's attracted to men, and doesn't want you because you aren't a man.

[redfathom]

The sad thing is that part of me wants it to work. My husband, besides this, is a good guy. He is attentive, except sexually, he is a good provider, funny, sweet, nurturing...all my friends love him as does my family. None of them know of our issues because I wouldn't want this to cloud their opinion of him.

 

I sorry that if I leave I risk finding someone worse. That is a cheater, maybe abusive, maybe a drug addict, maybe a big liar, etc. Despite my husbands faults, which we all have, sometimes I think I should be lucky ij am not with someone worse.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The sad thing is that part of me wants it to work. My husband, besides this, is a good guy. He is attentive, except sexually, he is a good provider, funny, sweet, nurturing...all my friends love him as does my family. None of them know of our issues because I wouldn't want this to cloud their opinion of him.

 

I sorry that if I leave I risk finding someone worse. That is a cheater, maybe abusive, maybe a drug addict, maybe a big liar, etc. Despite my husbands faults, which we all have, sometimes I think I should be lucky ij am not with someone worse.

 

I get this...I really do. But you kinda need to push him to participate in resolution too. I mean, could be that he doesn't want to be gay (bi sexual whatever) and is in denial. Could be that he is freaked out about ED and feels he can only perform with porn or whatever. Could be that he is a SA.

 

You can go down the path of figuring that out before tossing in the towel.

 

I know you have had discussions about it, but it may be that those have been in the heat of the moment. Have you said, "I am going to IC to work out if I can stay with you because you and I lack intimacy. I feel like this is because of your dependence on porn and the other things you are doing. I feel like it is just a matter of time before you cheat and bring home disease. I would like you to get IC and for us to do MC but those steps have to be yours."

[redfathom]

I have told him my fear of him cheater and he went over a list of reasons it would be stupid of him to cheat. That he was hurt by my accusations he sometimes thinks we won't work. That I should trust him. That he has fantasies but is not gay (which I believe he is bi and is a sexual person).

 

This was about two months ago. Yet he googles "where in (insert our town) can I get a happy ending" a couple times since than as well as places to meet at local rest stops and adultbook stores. Again near us.

[ChessPieceFace]

After reading the rest of the thread, I think your husband is gay. That explains the porn, the casual encounter searches, him losing his erection during sex, and his waning interest in you.

 

This is NOT a deficiency on your part. It doesn't mean you aren't sexy enough or aren't good enough.

 

He's attracted to men, and doesn't want you because you aren't a man.

 

Unjustified conclusion. The fact that he has looked at men in some fashion in some percentage of his porn viewing doesn't mean he's gay. Maybe "bi-curious" or bi though, since it seems to be significant.

 

OP, you going to counseling is fine and well but your husband needs to go to some kind of counseling too. I'm just wondering if marriage counseling alone is going to really solve it. Sounds like he has sexual issues he needs to confide in someone one-on-one.

[pteromom]

Unjustified conclusion. The fact that he has looked at men in some fashion in some percentage of his porn viewing doesn't mean he's gay. Maybe "bi-curious" or bi though, since it seems to be significant.

 

If he is looking for casual sex with men, I stand by my opinion. I could be wrong, just as you could be wrong that the OP is doing something to cause the husband to look outside the marriage for sex.

 

I sorry that if I leave I risk finding someone worse. That is a cheater, maybe abusive, maybe a drug addict, maybe a big liar, etc. Despite my husbands faults, which we all have, sometimes I think I should be lucky ij am not with someone worse.

 

If you leave, you also might find someone who is loving, honest, sexually attracted to you... someone you don't have to snoop on because he is constantly doing stuff behind your back.

 

Yes, everyone has faults. But this goes beyond "acceptable" faults.

[ChessPieceFace]

If he is looking for casual sex with men, I stand by my opinion. I could be wrong, just as you could be wrong that the OP is doing something to cause the husband to look outside the marriage for sex.

 

I'm not excusing his poor behavior. I said they both should go to counseling.

 

everyone has faults. But this goes beyond "acceptable" faults.

 

That kind of mentality is why so many women are alone and pining away for a perfect man they'll never find. It's awful that you'd tell a woman to end a marriage which is otherwise good just for sexual issues, without even having them attend counseling.

[redfathom]

So should I go on pretending like everything is the same? He can tell when I am upset so j am trying to be upbeat. He asked me what I did yesterday and I said chores, cleaned, browsed the internet...than he asked me what I browsed and I said just browsed. Than 15 mins later he asked if I was okay...so he must know. Should I go to IC a couple times first?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So should I go on pretending like everything is the same? He can tell when I am upset so j am trying to be upbeat. He asked me what I did yesterday and I said chores, cleaned, browsed the internet...than he asked me what I browsed and I said just browsed. Than 15 mins later he asked if I was okay...so he must know. Should I go to IC a couple times first?

 

Why wait? If you can have a clam conversation about what you are feeling and frankly that you know he has been trolling for anonymous hook ups and other things and that you are going to meet with someone to determine if you vp can live with it.

 

You will no longer ask him to consider your needs and feelings because he does not appear to care about your needs or feelings or the impact to your marriage.

 

At this point you are assessing if you can stay or have to leave and to deal with your grief and devastation.

[ChessPieceFace]

he asked me what I browsed and I said just browsed. Than 15 mins later he asked if I was okay...so he must know. Should I go to IC a couple times first?

 

It will be a tough conversation. IC might give you more resolve, and tools to approach him in the right way. Coddling people's emotions & tact were never my strong points so I can't help you there.

[redfathom]

So I told him j am going to counseling Friday. He asked why and I said I am confused about a few things. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said not really. He asked if I snooped and I said yes. Today he texted me how my day was. He also said mg snooping and lack of trust is wearing in him and I told him his searches were wearing on me. I said maybe its best we talk to a counselor together.

[Arabella]

So I told him j am going to counseling Friday. He asked why and I said I am confused about a few things. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said not really. He asked if I snooped and I said yes. Today he texted me how my day was. He also said mg snooping and lack of trust is wearing in him and I told him his searches were wearing on me. I said maybe its best we talk to a counselor together.

 

Or maybe you just need to accept your husband wants something and it's NOT YOU.

 

After all this time, what are the chances he's really going to change? He knows you're just going to take it, so what incentive does he have?

 

You're miserable, but the responsibility for changing your situation lays squarely on your hands. Leave him and go get your happiness!

 

You deserve better.

[redfathom]

And he said he would never touch another person.

[redfathom]

I said looking at places near us is what is confusing and hard to understand. He said looking at places near us which make his fantaties possible make them more arousing, but that he would never do anything out of his love for me. That the shopping is hurting us both.

 

I am supposed to go on faith.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

And he said he would never touch another person.

 

Actions vs words

 

Actions vs words

 

His behavior is not one of a faithfully committed person. No matter what he says. And it appears that his solution is for you to play ostrich and pretend and ignore? Is that what the "wearing on me" comment means?

 

Would that same behavior work in the reverse if you were doing it?

 

He is acting like an alcoholic playing with bottles of booze and telling you not to worry he promises not to drink.

 

Therapy would be good.