Long But very much in need of advice...

[GardenStateguy]

Thank you for reading this, my very mind consuming ordeal and posting your great responses, I really mean that.

 

Ok... I will try to convey my relationship and how it ended up to where it is presently...apart. I've been dating this girl, who holds my heart completely and in every way, for 4 years and lived with her for a year and a half. By the end of last year, she started discussing marriage as she felt it was time too.

But before I discuss that, allow me to walk you thru these past 4 years a bit.

 

You see...when we met it was like something I've never felt before...I felt a sudden attraction to her and it wasn't like the many others before her that only consisted of physical lust. This woman came out of left field regarding my emotions and it was so new to me. I was a total bachelor doing the bachelor things and wasn't expecting it to be this way with her as I thought this was another woman who will be in my life temporarily, but it wasn't obviously.

I just loved her right away.

 

At the time though, after our many very memorable conversations, I was made aware that she, just months before, found her boyfriend of 8 years with another woman literally. So in my mind, I figured right away to take things slow with her as I wasn't about to take advantage of any vulnerability she found herself in. According to her, she said the relationship was over emotionally for her years before, but held on, so when this happened it wasn't a surprise. She had lost her feelings for him years back, but never admitted it to herself. We got along perfectly...laughed...shared intimacy and not in a physical way. I'll give you an example of how I felt for her:

She came over to my place for a movie about a month or two after I met her and realizing that there was this great person next to me who I wasn't trying to get to know cause 'Blade' was on, I walk over to the tv...shut it off in the middle of it...and told her that I'd rather just talk. We were always able to talk. She told me how much that meant to her days later...and I told her how I've never felt to do something like that for anyone else. Like I said before...this was so new to me.

 

I respected her and just continued to be me around her hoping that she knew that I wasn't trying to move in on her after her ordeal. At least I thought she was noticing this. At the time she was moving into a new place so as to move on with her life and I was there to be her friend. Everything was great and six months later I asked her to be my girlfriend...afraid that she wasn't ready, but put myself out there anyway. She said yes, but not three months later I find out that while I was showing her my patience when we first met, she had slept with someone else in her new apartment. I know that I had no right to be hurt, but I was...just being human. I told her how much that hurt me and she said to me that all that time she thought I was playing games because I wouldn't go after her per say. And this other guy did and that closed me off completely. It hurt me and she never understood why as her stance was that we weren't exclusive and I totally understood that. What she didn't understand at the time is that I fell for her and wanted to be respectful. And was a bit confused because she told me many times how much she was into me, but I was "playing games" so she stayed "away".

 

This is not a big deal to anyone, but for someone like me it was. YOu see...I was sexually abused by a woman when I was 3 and it lasted for a year in my birthplace in South America. My parents had to leave me as a new born so they can travel to the USA (legally) and wait for my and my two older siblings' naturalization papers to go through...leaving me with my grandparents. The had a helper who was paid to take care of me and she traumatized me in a very deep way. I've talked to someone about this (recently) and he told me that my experience combined with lose of my mother's nurturing for 4 years made me a very emotionally insecure man...and a very emotionally closed man as well, hence my never feeling any other woman in a deep way as she.

 

She did know this ,but at the time I've never seeked help for it like I did this whole summer. But while we were going on in our relationship, she kept writing her x letters explaining how he hurt her in her life as a whole...I'm assumming for some type of closure. Oh...and mixed music tapes as well. I happened to find this on her table one day and confronted her and she told me that it was becaues she had to let him know what he did. And me being me...just took it in and didn't say anything...when I was really hurt and neglected. I took this as her being cold and released all this inner turmoil and confusion with a stray from the relationship with another woman. I ended it right away, but she felt she had to tell my girlfriend about it so she called her and we broke up. All I could do is explain where my head was and own upto my mistake and did. So we broke up for 7 months. This other woman felt she fell in love with me and did what she did even though she knew I had someone else.

 

We got together again and I was so happy. The relationship was great again as she never brought up what happened. But we're apart now because I still felt I had issues regarding intimacy with a woman. When she would caress me I didn't reciprocate as I never ever did with women. She noticed this and told me that I had to talk to someone about my past to get over things...so I did...and told her I needed to fix myself in order to be with her forever...in order to not make any more mistakes emotionally...in order to marry her. She understood, as wonderful as she is and let me go this past May. It's now October and I have been in therapy the whole summer and I've come to realized that I don't want to be without her for sure. So I guess this is a Thrice-chance sort of speak. She told me that she can't be with me as she finds herself very angry at me for leaving...even though she understands about my past...but she can't find herselft at another "understanding" state of mind. She says that she has to look out for her life presently and I want to understand, but I miss her so. We've hung out a lot for the past two months and I've apologized as my therapy has allowed me too. She said she sees a great change in my attitude and ability to be open now, but yet still says that she doesn't want to get together. She says that being together is suppost to be natural and not have to break ups in between...so she feels like I'm just not into marrying her and questions me now. I'm thinking NC is in order, but I do really love her. I will ask my therapist, but I would also like to hear from others and their experiences.

Thank you so much for listening...thank you sincerely...and I hope it all made sense...

[Merin]

Well in so many ways it seems to me that she had never really gotten over her boyfriend of 8 years.. and while I understand that she felt she needed closure to the relationship... I guess I can't get right with her STILL writing to him to tell him what he did and making mixed music tapes... what?! IMHO if she was still doing that I just don't think she was really over him.. 8 years is a long time to have invested granted I'll give her that... but for real eventually you've got to let go, and I don't think she had.

 

Possible that maybe you were the nice "Friend" you know what I mean? When she met you her ego and heart had just taken a battering so to speak.. and you were nice to her.. you made her feel good about herself, and you were her FRIEND... she felt safe in that as she was trying to heal.

 

Time goes on... you become more attached to her. The two of you begin to "date" but it seems more as friends. So she didn't feel guilt to hook up with someone else during this time.

 

Once you confess to her how you've been feeling.. then the two of you decide to give a romantic relationship a shot. However it seems that you never really got over her hooking up with someone else.. although you might have understood in some way that it had not been an exclusive relationship when it happened.. it was still painful and maybe it brought up some trust issues there.

 

During the time the two of you were exclusive... you hook up with someone else and she finds out. While I know you've said why you did what you did... again she may have understood on some level that you've got some emotional baggage but none the less felt betrayed.

 

The two of you split up...

 

I'm so happy that you're going to therapy it seems it's really helped you so much to get a different perspective on how you feel.... however it seems that while she may (once again) understand why you needed to do what you've done.. she still cannot accept what happened in between.

 

She is telling you now she doesn't want to resume a romantic relationship and as much as that hurts... you've really done all you can do.

 

Keep working on yourself and keep posting:)

[GardenStateguy]

In my gut I feel like it is all I can do since I'm only half of this relationship, but yet I know in my heart that I truly love her. And I know that she loves me dearly as she expresses this to me when we do see each other, but also finds herself reverting back to anger as to why I couldn't open up to her sooner. She feels that a true couple would not hesitate in telling each other their dark fears or truths no matter what. So she's angry at me for not seeing her in that light...even though she now understands its because of the trautamatic experience from my past.

 

Yes...the trust issues were brought up despite my concious knowledge of not being exclusive. I've had a subconcious mistrust of women my whole life. I'm taking care of that now with the hopes that she will see that I am trying to be a better man and person. I really decided that I'm not going to live my so called "story" anymore. I'm not going to allow this boy within me to guide my emotions and give the "man" the reigns to govern my new path.

 

I thank you Merin2 for you words as I take it all in deeply. You didn't have to respond, but you did...so thank you. I will keep posting and hopefully you can share your thoughts again.