He broke our "cyber-friend" agreement!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm so mad and not sure how to handle it. I feel like going off completely on him!

 

We've been through so much in the last six months. And since I've been posting on here for awhile now, I hate to bore anyone who's already heard it with a long story. So, to make it short:

 

I found out that my husband was involved in several emotional affairs via the internet. We sought counseling. We are currently enjoying the best part of 20+ years of marriage. I compromised on the internet issue, asking him to ditch the ones who were looking for more than friendship, and to keep ALL of his friends in cyberspace. I didn't mind him chatting and joking. Even flirting was okay, as long as they were out there and not here.

 

Earlier today one of the female friends asked in an e-mail when would be a good time to call him. And she'd like to mail him something so could she have an address.

 

And he gave her the HOME number and the HOME address!!!

 

I'll be honest, I HATE to rock the boat, and I already know I have to do it.....so what's the best way to go about it?

[sunlight]

Theres an option on most email accounts, save sent letter. Read what he writes to her. You never know it might just be friendship. I have had tons of online friends send me stuff and visa versa without any sexual relationship.

But seeing as you are hell bent on this, I am guessing you have had enough, and just don't even want to trust anymore. So yes this is time to fix it or leave it. You only get a short time in life to be happy, don't waste it.

[faux]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I compromised on the internet issue, asking him to ditch the ones who were looking for more than friendship, and to keep ALL of his friends in cyberspace. I didn't mind him chatting and joking. Even flirting was okay, as long as they were out there and not here.

 

Does this mean that your husband may not have female friends in "real life", or do you simply want him to keep these new internet-based friendships internet only?

 

Earlier today one of the female friends asked in an e-mail when would be a good time to call him. And she'd like to mail him something so could she have an address.

 

And he gave her the HOME number and the HOME address!!!

 

Pen pals do exist, you know. Telephone calls are usually fine. I assume that your husband told you he did this, so it cannot be all so awful, yes? I do think he could have done well to ask if this might bother you, or perhaps to give out only the address.

 

I'll be honest, I HATE to rock the boat, and I already know I have to do it.....so what's the best way to go about it?

 

Explain to him how you feel, and what your worries are. Perhaps you have the wrong idea of what this situation is. Perhaps not. It would be best to talk to him about it and find out once and for all.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

just talk to him and don't attack. listen to him and talk about it all.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for your posts. Currently the female friend in question is just a friend. He does spend on average about 2 hours a day chatting with her and if she wants more than friendship she hasn't said so. She's a Waiting-For-Prince-Charming type, and if you ask me, she's burning daylight.

 

I'm welcome to read anything on the computer now, and I usually don't feel the need to check up on my husband anymore. And I see some real positives for him in maintaining some of these friendships. He's innocent of wrong-doing now.

 

But he wasn't innocent 6 months ago. He would have tossed me out on my a$$ for HALF of what he was doing, if our positions had been reversed!

 

This is where we made compromise. For me it's like a contract. In order for me to regain my trust in him, he promised to keep these internet friends in cyber. And I worked actively on my part of the bargain, learning to trust. He just dropped his end of it though. And he knew it would upset me.

 

What bothers me most about this is that in a choice between who he was going to p*ss off, he chose me. Maybe that means he has faith that I'll get over it. If so, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

[sunlight]

2 hours a day. Talking on the computer with someone, or everyone. As long as he gives you the attention you need as a women, and a wife that is ok. But talking to someone for 2 hours and not giving you what you need, I will say is wrong. You put him first, he must put you first that way you both feel that your needs are being meet.

My SO, had lost my trust once over another women, and regained it back. It can happen just takes time, and the ability for both of you to feel open. Once you can joke about it, you know your ok with it.

[StillHurtin]

I had a similar situation w/ dh several years ago. He was on the internet until 1 am every night. I finally asked him wth he was on it so late at night. He said he was playing yahoo games. His yahoo messenger came on and I noticed a new name so I clicked on it. It was another woman. I asked him about it. He said it was someone he met playing a game and they got to chatting. He was emailing her, she was emailing him, and they were IM eachother all the time. One night he was making supper and I was on the computer. She IM'ed me thinking it was him. I told her it wasn't him, but his wife. She said she was sorry, and that she didn't know he was married as he never told her! I was upset he didn't bring this up in the first place. I ALWAYS tell guys I am married if they IM me. She was upset. We had a long chat and she agreed she wouldn't message or email anymore. She said she wasn't out to have a relationship w/ him but she did want to chat and be his friend. I didn't care that dh had female friends but I was going to bed alone every nite while he sat up and chatted w/ her. It was ruining our marriage.

So, for you, I would tell him how much this upsets you. Sit down and have a nice, calm conversation about it and tell him how you feel.

[Owl]

Ladyjane- Well, I'm going to disagree with the majority of the posts you've seen thus far. I'd say that if he's had several emotional affairs, you've got a major problem on your hands. My wife recently developed an online relationship with someone, and it went WAYYY to far. They began IMing each other, and then finally calling each other everyday while I was at work (or even IMing while I was sitting next to her at my computer!!!). When I confronted her about it, he purchased tickets for her and she was ready to fly away to him to see if what they had was real...even though she had NEVER met him, and didn't even know what he looked like! The damage to our marriage is as serious as if it had been a "real" affair. I've been devastated, and we're working hard now to rebuild our relationship.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you have every reason and right to be concerned over your husbands online other sex friends. Yes, penpals do exist...but there should ALWAYS be boundaries between same sex friends (if one or both are married anyway). He should be accountable to you about what goes on in his relationships with other women...just as you should be accountable to him with your own. If you're worried about it, TALK to him about it. If he's evasive, refuses to talk about it, or in anyway tries to keep you out of it and not informed, big red flags should be raising. If he truly loves you and wants to build your marriage, he'll listen to you and work with you to find a way for both of you to be comfortable. If you can't agree on a compromise that both of you can live with, get counseling. Good luck!

[Jayman]

Ladyjane14 , You better put a stop to it . That's what happened with me even thow they worked together the web thing feed it . You should think of putting a net nanny chat nanny on you PC . Put it on in stelth . He wont know it's there and you can really see what he's saying . Men will speek the truth when they think they wont be seen . My girlfriend took a yen to a 17 year old boy she's 29 I hope you crack down on him and stop it befor it's too late .

[Ladyjane14]

You should think of putting a net nanny chat nanny on you PC . Put it on in stelth . He wont know it's there and you can really see what he's saying . [/Quote]

 

Thanks for the input Jay, and you know....I really had considered doing that at one point. What stopped me was the realization that if I had to monitor him like that, then I wouldn't want him anymore. Although when I first found out about all this, I truly did go nuts looking for evidence until I believed I had it all out on the table.

 

I don't think he's hiding anything from me anymore, but like Owl said, there should be boundaries. I put ALOT of thought into what my boundaries were, and I set them in the broadest terms that I could, giving up as much trust-wise as I was able. Really, my knee-jerk reation was to run over his PC with my truck!!!

 

We did talk about it, and he says that he's sorry and that he didn't think it would upset me. This, after initially being pretty defensive about it. Trouble is, that he and I both know that's not true. He KNEW that I would be upset! This was a very clearly defined agreement that we have spoken about many, many times.

 

I have to wonder if he just thinks that I ought to trust him enough to know when it's okay to give out personal information. Like maybe I'm not displaying the appropriate TRUST in his ability to protect his family?

 

For my part, I feel like that's not his decision to make. It's my information too, and my children's!!! Doesn't that make it our decision?

 

I've worked sooooo hard to put away resentment, since all of this happened. But I caught myself last night while he was IMing with her thinking, "well, why don't you just give her my social security number and my mother's maiden name while you're at it....you a*hole!!!" It kind of shocked me. It was a where-the-hell-did-that-come-from moment!

 

Anyway, I think I'll give it a few more days and wrap my mind around it a little more before I make an issue of it. I don't feel like we reached a true understanding the other night. I suspect he was just telling me whatever he thought would defuse the situation.

 

Thanks for your posts.

[ovo]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I'll be honest, I HATE to rock the boat, and I already know I have to do it.....so what's the best way to go about it?

 

As him what he fantasises about. In particluar, ask him about his inner thoughts with her. Don't challenge him about it, just join and make him feel good for his honesty. Allow yourself to share this world with him.

 

 

If it is all cyber stuff, then it's all make believe and let your imagination join this fun. If you think it's just plain boring, then perhaps you shouldn't be together in the first place.

 

During this candour, you will find out more about what he really wants. It all may point to something more than cyber banter.

[VivianLee]

LadyJane, you've put up with the crap enough. It's different if he were talking to these women at work, that would be normal.

 

I have male friends I talk to on AIM when it's just myself or myself and my daughter. There is one that I talk to alot. I have no romantic feelings for him or am I attracted to him but I have lessened my time talking to him because it's just not really necessary for me to talk to someone's husband that much.

 

If I happened to be talking to him when my husband gets home from work, I will get offline and give my husband attention and at times, I've told my hubby to sit and talk to him and tell him "bye" for me. That way the line is drawn where I'm not hiding anything nor do I feel I should keep him exclusively away from my family and their knowledge. I talk to him no more than once a week for less than an hour. It is truly a friendship and NOTHING else. However, having said that, if I were attracted to him or he to me, it could be a problem and a danger (to a point, he lives two states away from me, he used to be from my state)....

 

Your husband gets out and about during the day. He doesn't need these "friendship" with these women. You compromised WWWAAYY too much and he has alot of audacity to continue to even have friendships after he took things so far.

 

If he wants you and you only, then he can stop talking with these women and concentrate on you. You are getting seconds in this marriage. You are not getting what you need to help you get over what he's done. You need to indulge in a little self-preservation and think about YOU and what YOU need and what YOU require to stay in this marriage and be happy. You've done NOTHING wrong. HE has!

 

Look at him, he's got it made. He has a faithful wife that is letting him do what he did before BUT supposedly he is going to keep things on the right track. He doesn't have the gall or dicipline to behave online. He needs to stop chatting period BUT that has to be his decision as a grown adult. You don't need to have to assume the role of prison guard or Mommy. You deserve better....

 

If he decides he can't live without those cyber chicks, then you decide what you want to live with. The decision concerning your marriage is about you, he lost his right to decide when he repeated his offense!

 

Take care sweet gal! Hang in there and stay strong!!

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the support, Viv. It's like a getting a hug when you really need one!

 

Your post reminded me that the biggest beef the marriage counselor had with me in therapy was that I wasn't asking to have my needs met. Guess I still need to work on that some.

 

I think I'd find it easier to be demanding if it weren't for the fact that I DO trust him to only be friends at this point. It wouldn't matter if a 'girl' friend wanted more. He's not willing to participate. He's not hiding anything from me anymore. I believe that.

 

I do think you're right though that I sometimes short-change myself when we compromise. I think that maybe I'm testing him at times? Maybe to see if he'll put me first? That's not quite fair though, is it? It's almost a set-up.

 

Anyway, it's all food for thought, and I thank you for it.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Thanks for the support, Viv. It's like a getting a hug when you really need one!

 

Your post reminded me that the biggest beef the marriage counselor had with me in therapy was that I wasn't asking to have my needs met. Guess I still need to work on that some.

 

I think I'd find it easier to be demanding if it weren't for the fact that I DO trust him to only be friends at this point. It wouldn't matter if a 'girl' friend wanted more. He's not willing to participate. He's not hiding anything from me anymore. I believe that.

 

I do think you're right though that I sometimes short-change myself when we compromise. I think that maybe I'm testing him at times? Maybe to see if he'll put me first? That's not quite fair though, is it? It's almost a set-up.

 

Anyway, it's all food for thought, and I thank you for it.

 

Ladyjane, I'd always tried to put my family first, which is a good thing BUT I found myself letting them run all over me. It was simple things like if I was watching a TV program and they wanted to watch something, I'd stop watching and let them or go and watch it on another TV...I know that's a silly example but I just got used to being just "pushed out of the way"...plus I didn't always show my true emotions and hid them for fear of embarrassment or shyness, that seem to give my husband the idea that I didn't care (and I'm sure it seemed like I didn't)....

 

So when he told me about his affair and the many things connected to it, he didn't give any thoughts to how it would hurt me. Then he packed up his things and took our daughter (he'd played mind games with her so she felt the same way about me) and left me with no phone (he'd stopped making sure our bills were paid) or car.

 

I wanted to die, I couldn't swallow or even hear music or see color. Then after a day of realizing I'm either going to lose my mind or die. I decided I had done NOTHING wrong and I didn't deserve to be treated this way (he told me I had caused ALL this)....I empowered myself with the fact that I was going to make it, somehow. I had always been a "house wife" and "mother" so I didn't know what I'd do about paying bills and such then I thought, I didn't leave he did...so I made sure he paid ALL my bills and with the help of my Aunt giving me a car, I was able to start having a life....

 

Selfpreservation....it's the way to survive when a spouse is being selfish and not seeing to your needs.....

 

You have done NOTHING wrong, he has. He needs to be in agnony NOT YOU. He's the one that should be feeling held back in the relationship, just for the fact that he hasn't been trustworthy.... You owe him NOTHING...He owes you SO MUCH!!

 

It is a bit of testing to see if he'll pick your needs over being friends with these women but dang, when is he gonna choose you first??

 

Let me ask you this, when does he talk to these women?

 

What are you doing during this?

 

Do you have keyboard logger on the computer?

 

How long does this go on?

 

Are you sure he isn't doing this at work also online and in person with women he may work with??

 

Why does he need this??

 

Take care of yourself, please!!

 

(I always feel like I should put this as a disclaimer....after we got back together, he tried a little, I tried a lot, then he stopped trying for months and I got stupid and had an affair also...THAT is NOT the answer either.... )

[Jayman]

VivianLee , You are so right with your last post . I felt the same way not wanting to eat and being down on my self . But since I'v been thru this before . Like you said I did nothing wrong . And she feel's bad that she hurt me ?? so she say's I think it's just that she got caught . If her guiltyness is real well she can sit in it awhile .

[Ladyjane14]

I know what you mean by putting everyone else first. It's easy to end up doing that, because it really does make me feel good when I make them happy. I love them, like you love yours, so I know you 'get' that.

 

To answer your questions, my husband does spend quite a bit of time with his friends online. Sometimes he can go 5-6 hours at a stretch. But they've got nothin' on me - not really. You know, even if he thought one of them did, he'd NEVER get over losing me. I think he's savvy enough to realize that, even though it sounded really egotistical to say it!

 

I don't have a keylogger on. Like I said earlier, I wouldn't want him anymore if I felt like I had to monitor him. Also, I'm welcome to draw up a chair anytime and see what he's up to. He couldn't use his computer at work to go onto the internet, so that's not a problem.

 

People who really want to cheat will find a way in any event. They can't be controlled, so why try? While I think it's really valuable to get all the cards out on the table when your sweetie is telling you BIG FAT LIES, I don't think there's any value in checking up once you are reasonably sure that you have all the facts. It defeats the trust that you're trying to interject into the relationship.

 

What I'm curious about is how you get to the point where you can ask for what you need/want without feeling like a b*tch? I'm sure you understand when I say that sometimes I can look at him and tell that no matter how I'm speaking to him, all he can hear is "blah-blah-blah-b*tch-b*tch-b*tch".

 

He'll do what I want sometimes just to avoid controversy, but that's not really what I want. I want him to understand my point of view. I want an equitable arrangement, one that we can BOTH be comfortable with.

 

How did you get there? Do you worry about coming off as 'controlling' when you ask for what you need/want?

[VivianLee]

How did you get there? Do you worry about coming off as 'controlling' when you ask for what you need/want?

 

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling like I'm being controlling or a b*tch when I ask for what I want over what "they" want....but I do it!

 

I guess because I'm a strong person and do give opinions they don't realize that they are sometimes running over me. But even confident and strong people can forget to see about themselves.

 

I've been standing up for myself and seeing about my needs (not selfishly) for almost 4 years. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong and feel guilty (that's MY problem now, a residual from years of thinking I should put my needs aside) BUT my family is starting to change their views. They are seeing me as an individual that needs certain things and isn't just there to make them happy and comfortable.

 

It will take you some time to change your thinking, it will take your husband a little time to get used to it but I do know it can work.....

 

My mother was the same as I to a point. Now she is bitter and truly VERY controlling.....you can go overboard with this.....that's why it's better to change it now before you either lose who you are or you get bitter and actually become a b*tch!