Sun Devil Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I have tried to be happy being single, but nothing works. I have done alot of things and have lots of hobbies, but without someone special to share it with, it is meaningless. I have been told that to get a girl, you have to be happy and that being in a relationship wont make things better. Several posters have disproven that. I know what I want, ad Iwant to experience love and intimacy. The idea of being single for the rest of my life sounds worse than death. My parents are the only family I have. Once they die, I have no family whatsoever. Without a special someone in your life, life itself has no meaning Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 You need to invest in the lives of other people. Donate or volunteer your time to help others. Join some volunteer organizations and then you will be an important part of improving the lives of others and you will have the love and connectedness that brings joy to someone's life. It may or may not result in a romantic relationship, but there are many types of fulfilling relationships that will bring joy to your life. How about becoming a Big Brother to a boy in that organization who needs a male role model in his life. Of course, you'd have to start focusing on someone else, rather than your own self, but I think that would be good for you. It's also an attractive quality to be altruistic. Sure beats complaining on a message board. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Look into self-help or find some safe antidepressants (if any exist.) Link to post Share on other sites
shoesies05 Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 At this moment I have no hope for love for myself But- I do believe connection is the reason why we are here and the only way we will feel fullfilled. I think volunteering and becoming connected to others in a new and different way is a great way to spend time until you find a person to love and spend more time with. It will happen some day- just make other connections in the meantime and then continue them once you find love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun Devil Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 I am making connections with people. I have gained new friends over the last year. Unfortunatly, they are no substitute for an intimate relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Hang in there man. Maybe I'm a big softie but I believe there is someone out there for everyone. You will find her if you keep your heart open. Just have faith that it will happen for you. And confidence that it will happen for you. I realize this may not be the advice you're looking for but it's all I have to give. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Disproven? You could look at it as how you are going to spend your time until you meet someone you gel with. You can of course spend it in misery or you can just keep going and not be so hard on yourself. Think off the actions you are taking as being part of the sum total and give yourself a pat on the back for the progress made so far. Glad you are not so heavily on the suicide tip. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun Devil Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 I try to keep on going, but nothing stops the pain of being single. If you are hungry, the only way that will get fixed is with food. This is what it is like to not be in a relationship. The only cure is for me to get in one Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I have tried to be happy being single, but nothing works. I have done alot of things and have lots of hobbies, but without someone special to share it with, it is meaningless. I have been told that to get a girl, you have to be happy and that being in a relationship wont make things better. Several posters have disproven that. I know what I want, ad Iwant to experience love and intimacy. The idea of being single for the rest of my life sounds worse than death. My parents are the only family I have. Once they die, I have no family whatsoever. Without a special someone in your life, life itself has no meaning You don't need to be happy to get a girl. You just need to be lucky. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
El Brujo Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Players and PUAs seem to get by just fine with their parody of love. Just work on yourself and become a catch. This weekend I got about 1/3 of my home DIY project done, and I'm 1/5 of the way through revising my sci-fi novel. I'm still lonely, but at least I have assets that some woman is missing out on. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I really struggle to understand this point of view. I think our society places way too much emphasis on romantic relationships. Namely, on the idea that they're the ultimate form of well-being. I'm sure you've heard that relationships aren't easy. So what makes you think that being in one would improve how you feel about yourself? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I try to keep on going, but nothing stops the pain of being single. If you are hungry, the only way that will get fixed is with food. This is what it is like to not be in a relationship. The only cure is for me to get in one I understand the pining of wanting someone to really love. That is a good thing in many respects. Got to feel it if you want it I suppose. You are doing better than before and that takes courage. Treat yourself kindly and be interesting. Give yourself wild dreams to attain and then go accomplish them. Gosh, life is mostly great and there are so many amazing places to see and great people to meet on the way! Seriously. One day that person just turns up. Well that is how is was for me. I know some never find love but I really reckon that most of that is due to lack of courage and dumb choices. I think most people have a range of people out there who are potentials and you get where you are at, so make sure you are somewhere good! Keep working it out and be fabulous! Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) Recently volunteered to help those with special needs, felt really good to even put myself in that position even if I was a bit overwhelmed by the sheer number of quite frankly very extremely disabled in one rather cramped area.. But I wish to start to do it regularly, I realize that my own problems are quite petty and I don't care anymore. I do feel terrible, knowing that there are human beings who could even shed a tear because a single person gave them five minutes of their time.. I would like to give much more than that to as many people as I can. Perhaps this is what you need? You need some sort of hobby, at least.. There are so many damn things to do.. There are people who wake up each day due to hopes and goals as simple as growing an epic beard, or writing and publishing poetry and establishing themselves as some sort of artist online or offline, or specific car model specialists who go to shows for those cars or anything like that.. Online boards for all sorts of specific specialized interests and purposes like debating over the personality types of famous individuals or interpreting and analyzing dreams or learning to break dance.. That people revolve their lives around and choose to see the world through the lens of.. You don't even have to be great at what you do.. just genuinely enjoy doing it and you'll only get better at it. I've been working on my skills for over a decade now, for me practicing comes as naturally as doing what it is that I love and couldn't go a day without.. Find something like that. You won't need someone else to want to wake up and you'll enjoy life a lot more. Try to see the beauty in things. Edited July 14, 2013 by ScreamingTrees 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I try to keep on going, but nothing stops the pain of being single. If you are hungry, the only way that will get fixed is with food. This is what it is like to not be in a relationship. The only cure is for me to get in one There are many philosophies which agree with what you say SD https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs Notice on the pyramid of needs according to that theory, friends, family and sexual intimacy are just above the need for basic security of body employment etc. You at your age, and me at my older age am looking at the possibility of having our first degree relatives all die off relatively soon. I have a sister but she has special needs. As much as I love my sister caring for her and her issues can't replace having a significant other (It would be too strange if it could.) It is one thing to fear being alone, as in not in a relationship, and something else to fear not having any close family. At a certain point ones spouse(es) and children are that family. That you despair ever finding someone you like, can live with long term, and would want to have children with, is a reasonable fear. It is a fear built deep into the wiring of the brains of every animal that reproduces by sex. There is nothing pathological about wanting a relationship. Just don't loose yourself in the pursuit. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I can pretty much guarantee that getting a gf won't make you a happier person. It simply does not work that way. As another poster said if you go no a relationship with that mindset at all, you are setting yourself up for codependency. It happens every damn day, people getting into relationships thinking it will make them happier not realizing that happiness only comes from within. This sounds like a bs stock answer, but it's not. I've lived through the same thing you are going through except I'm further along as I've already made these realizations due to being in multiple LTRs. When you get used to your SO, your life almost goes back to the way you felt before you met them. Once that honeymoon stage is over. This in my opinion is why many relationships fail because that excitement is gone. But the relationships that make it are the ones who learn to find happiness in themselves. You need to find a passion. Do not focus on finding love. That is absolutely secondary to finding what fulfills you with the help of nobody else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 I can pretty much guarantee that getting a gf won't make you a happier person. It simply does not work that way. As another poster said if you go no a relationship with that mindset at all, you are setting yourself up for codependency. It happens every damn day, people getting into relationships thinking it will make them happier not realizing that happiness only comes from within. This sounds like a bs stock answer, but it's not. I've lived through the same thing you are going through except I'm further along as I've already made these realizations due to being in multiple LTRs. When you get used to your SO, your life almost goes back to the way you felt before you met them. Once that honeymoon stage is over. This in my opinion is why many relationships fail because that excitement is gone. But the relationships that make it are the ones who learn to find happiness in themselves. You need to find a passion. Do not focus on finding love. That is absolutely secondary to finding what fulfills you with the help of nobody else. ^This OP. While I get where you are coming from about not wanting to live alone for life. The truth is you have to go through many LTR's before you find someone who will not being to look awful to you after the honeymoon wears off. Link to post Share on other sites
davyvfr Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Well, I assume your parents love you, right? And your other familiy members?And you are still living so you must think life is still worth it or you would have committed suicide a long time ago...you've obviously made it this far, so why quit? Go and enjoy yourself, life is not a trial run, this is the real deal! Being in a relationship should be the icing on the cake. If your girlfriend left you, you should still be happy. As stated before, a relationship won't fix your problems. And now that you are single, now is a better time than ever to follow your life long goals. That's what I'm doing, meeting the most inspirational people and realizing its never too late to get married. Heck, my mentor and coach got married at 55 for the first time. Never to late Those that say they are really happy being in a relationship and who were originally upset being single obviously will be in an even worse condition if their gf/bf leaves them. Makes sense. You still can hang out with girls, go to clubs, and have a great time. BEING SINGLE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT BE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun Devil Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 My parents do love me. They are the only family I have. All other relatives died out from old age. No brothers, sisters, cousins, ect. I never been in a relationship, which makes my problem much worse. I definatly will commit suicide if I make it to my 40s without being in any relationship. I would rather die than live with no family. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 My parents do love me. They are the only family I have. All other relatives died out from old age. No brothers, sisters, cousins, ect. I never been in a relationship, which makes my problem much worse. I definately will commit suicide if I make it to my 40s without being in any relationship. I would rather die than live with no family. Which is a perfectly valid feeling to have. What many people here, especially younger ones, are having trouble with is the very idea that someday, for all of us, if we live long enough...most of the people we know will die off. Your not talking about having casual friends you are looking for someone to have as family. Not a GF a wife. Truth is you will probably have to go through a couple of GF's before finding a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sun Devil Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 The big problem is that I cant get any girl to be my girlfriend. I fear that I will be in my thirties with no family and all my friends will be married. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 I do think you have to look at the other side too which is that some relationships can be really crappy. It is important to be balanced about these things and enjoy your life. If you can't do that when problems come within a relationship (which they certainly will) you won't have much of an anchor. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
El Brujo Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Hell, I'm 45, my last family members died 6 years ago, and I've had exactly 3 gfs since then... they were all so rude, I lost interest in women for a couple of years. I got over the suicidal thoughts 2 years after my last family members died... but I can end the show whenever I want to if I get sick of putting up with life. It's not like there's anyone around to miss me... except the bill collector. Link to post Share on other sites
Ashlaria Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Hell, I'm 45, my last family members died 6 years ago, and I've had exactly 3 gfs since then... they were all so rude, I lost interest in women for a couple of years. I got over the suicidal thoughts 2 years after my last family members died... but I can end the show whenever I want to if I get sick of putting up with life. It's not like there's anyone around to miss me... except the bill collector. That's a great attitude, really refreshing. Oh and can I read your sci fi novel??? Oh and if this sounds sarcastic because of the lack of opportunity for nuances etc, it really isn't. You can choose to check out anytime you like, so why not wait and see how things go? Link to post Share on other sites
Pompeii Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 My parents do love me. They are the only family I have. All other relatives died out from old age. No brothers, sisters, cousins, ect. I never been in a relationship, which makes my problem much worse. I definatly will commit suicide if I make it to my 40s without being in any relationship. I would rather die than live with no family. Well, since I'm not going to have a girlfriend or wife, I will have no family. Therefore the only thing I have is mastery. I need to be elite and I need to have a mass amount of monetary funds. If I do that, then my life's mission will be complete. If I end up broke, penniless, and if my business ventures go under, I will probably end up committing suicide. After all, I would have failed my mission and I would have no reason to live. I have two brothers, so they will have progeny and carry on the family name. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Eh, Sun Devil...I feel bad for you. but dont let women define who you are. Quite a few are a big pain in the ass anyway.. Live your life and embrace things like family and career...The truly ironic thing here, (and this is something down the road for you-if you wish), is that once you have a kid(s), then you realize what true unconditional love is all about and you no longer place such a high priority on having a woman in your life...Yes, I know, you need a woman for this to happen.. Anyway, a significant other shouldnt be what defines you as an individual, but just be something that enhances your life..When you assign that much weight/importance to it, then it becomes unhealthy, IMO... I wish you well... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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