Feeling like sh..

[panoramicview]

But I'm no stranger to this feeling. I wish I could say my issue was an issue, but I don't believe there is a relationship left to salvage. Tonight I went out on a typical girl's night out. My significant other and I were talking earlier in the day, up until about 9 p.m. before he stopped replying to my messages. I continued on with my night, but when I was about to head home at 1 a.m., I messaged him asking what he was up to. He replied that he had just gotten home from "taking care" of his female best friend, and that it was a long story.

 

This really rubbed me the wrong way for several reasons:

1.) He told me that he once had feelings for her. During that revelation, I considered calling it quits, but he assured me that those feelings dissolved and he sees her as a sister. I also followed the advice of those who stated things like "if he wanted to be with her, he would be with her; not you."

 

2.) He was alone with a female that he was attracted to at one point in time, and discontinued our conversation while he was with her.

 

3.) She has a boyfriend. It is weird that my S.O. would be the one she would call to take care of her rather than her own boyfriend.

 

His twitter is public, so I did some digging. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but something on his male best friend's twitter (which was also public), made my heart sink. His friend tweeted two things during the time period that this occurred. The first said "who cares for her more, her boyfriend or her best friend." The second said "how many females friendzone the wrong guy then regret it later on." That especially piqued my interest because my S.O. told me that the reason they didn't date was something totally different, not because he was "friendzoned." The things that my S.O.'s friend tweeted makes it seem like he is advocating for a relationship between them.

 

My mind always makes me question whether or not I am being logical when I judge situations...but I feel like maybe I just stayed in hopes that I wasn't just the girl he settled for. This has happened to me before in relationships and leads me to believe that I'll never be more than that to anyone...even if someone did come to love me in the future, I'd never believe them now.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well, I guess I see some red flags in what you are saying here.

 

You may have self esteem or other issues that may have caused you to overreact in the past so for now, lets just look at this logically.

 

Something happened and he went to take care of her. As her best friend. Any number of things could have happened to her and first of all, respect that he cares for her and he needed to be there for her.

 

Real issue. He did not tell you where he was going, he coukd have sent a quick text to say on my way to friends house, something happened, love you xox or something

 

He stopped responding to you which may have been because he was focused on her during a crisis and all, but ok he still had not told you where he was and why.

 

I think he responded to you early/late and told you he was with her and it was a long story. Not sure if you have the story yet.

 

Not sure how long you have been together, this makes a difference.

 

You have already discussed your discomfort with his relationship and he told you he was with you because he wanted to be.

 

So you are going to have to take a risk here. You cannot appear to be jealous, you just can't. You played that card already. At this point you have to assume he wants to be with you until he doesn't.

 

I think there will be differing opinions on whether he owed you notification before going over there. I think that depends on the length and level of commitment you have in your relationship.

 

When he tells you about what happened, be empathetic and concerned about the friend, and if you must you can say "I was worried about you when you did not respond to my texts, I am glad you are ok and were able to help her". Ask if there is anything you can do to be supportive.

 

At some (much) later date you can confess you feel some insecurity with their relationship because you think deep down he loves her (or whatever) and that you would appreciate him helping you by being aware of that and sensitive to your feelings and discuss how he can help you.

 

But to be honest, if he is with her, and wants to be with her, you cannot do anything about it. But deal with that if it happens

 

Whatever you do...do not go all girly emotional, ranty, that will definitely push him. Fake it if you have to.

Good luck

[panoramicview]

Thank you for responding! My self esteem took a major hit a little over a ago year when my boyfriend of three years left me to be with his coworker. I do admit I have been struggling to rebuild it. It's great to have someone honestly tell me I may be wrong rather than girlfriends who agree with everything you say.

 

I've always respected that fact that he's been a loyal and caring friend. I guess my fear came in when I learned he used to have feelings for her. He's also not done his best to make me feel as important. Once, I was asking him a question about his mother and he said something like "You don't need to know that. Only [best friend] is allowed to talk to my mother." Also, the comments from his male best friend on twitter stood out to me. I'm not sure why he would say things like that.

 

I think my low self esteem coupled with paranoia has already done enough damage to this relationship, and doesn't seem to be getting better. I'm making this relationship toxic.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thank you for responding! My self esteem took a major hit a little over a ago year when my boyfriend of three years left me to be with his coworker. I do admit I have been struggling to rebuild it. It's great to have someone honestly tell me I may be wrong rather than girlfriends who agree with everything you say.

 

I've always respected that fact that he's been a loyal and caring friend. I guess my fear came in when I learned he used to have feelings for her. He's also not done his best to make me feel as important. Once, I was asking him a question about his mother and he said something like "You don't need to know that. Only [best friend] is allowed to talk to my mother." Also, the comments from his male best friend on twitter stood out to me. I'm not sure why he would say things like that.

 

I think my low self esteem coupled with paranoia has already done enough damage to this relationship, and doesn't seem to be getting better. I'm making this relationship toxic.

 

I am glad you are seeing your part. You need to learn from your baggage, but you need to try not to carry the entire mess into your new relationships. It will be a struggle I know, but try.

 

Only wanna say, just because it's you, doesn't mean it's also not him.(highlighted sections) At some point in the maturing of a relationship, you need to be the most important one. If that never happens then your relationship is doomed. Does your SO understand your history?

 

The twitter nonsense is what it is and could mean a zillion things but also represent his friends feelings not his.

 

So everybody says they hate games, I do too. But....if you understand human nature, or maybe I should say animal nature, then you can use that to make the right steps. For example, you run into a bear, they say don't look it in the eyes and don't make sudden movements blah blah...if you have ever had a dog you may have noticed if you chase it, the dog will run away from you, BUT if you turn and run it chases you. Weird, huh? But, people actually behave the same way. It's not games, its science.

 

What happened to you in your previous relationship must have been devastating. I hope you have or will consider therapy. There is a real possibility that your mate "picker" is broken.

 

You mentioned that you thought the relationship is becoming toxic, maybe you can provide more details?