bhgirl Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I haven't been on here in a while, but I just had a thought why go through all the stress of cheating and lying. I just don't get it to go through all this deception seems to be more work than it is worth. My spouse seems to blame me for all the problems in our marriage and has now resorted to insults on my character, my weight, incompetence in his eyes and anything else he can say to make me feel horrible. Today I have just had it he has had several affairs in the past and now whenever we argue he loves to bring up the fact that he has to cheat to deal with me. That is so rich to say to your wife. I believe he is probably cheating again because he seems to have this pattern when something is going on. He told me that he is with me because he feels sorry for me. I am embarrassed to even type that out and it just makes me feel horrible. I asked to just leave because I just can't take that fact that no matter what I am blamed for everything. I am tired of feeling depressed and stressing over who he is seeing and who is texting. it is just too much for one person to bare especially when I have forgiven so many times in the past. To tell you the truth I am terrified to be alone that may sound pathetic, but I have three children and I have been with this man my entire adult life. I have never really had to be alone and now faced with the prospect, I am panicked. I want to be strong and stand my ground, but I am also fearful that I will fail. Any advice for moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
WreckedDan Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 What an abusive piece of trash this guys is. Sounds to me like he is a power tripper and you are is a suvk position to be able to defend yourself, which I'm sure he has encouraged. My sugestion is start planning your out. Get your ducks in a row, job security, day care options, ideas of where you can go if you move out, friends and family to help when you need it. The pull the trigger and bounce. Just my 2© Dan Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Its important that as a BS (Betrayed Spouse) that there's a warped and somewhat sick pyschology that goes on with being a "cheater" They have to tear down and berate the other spouse in order to justify their own sins and transgression againt the BS. They have to belittle them in their own eyes in order to justify their actions. They have to make them feel small, petty and insignificant. They have to make them appear incompetent in even the most smallest of matters and endevors. It goes hand-in-hand with 'gas-lighting' in which it drive the BS to the brink ~ to the edge in questioning their own sanity and ability to do even the most simplest of things. They will tell you that they're the only ones that will have you and that you will NEVER find anyone that would have you and put up with your incompetence. That you've got to be the single most f**ked up individual that ever livied ~ let alone still on the face of the Earth. That you should fall down on your ever-living knees and bow down to them for putting up with you. That you're "lucky" to have them. They are some of the most selfish, self-centered, narcisstic individuals you will ever meet. It is they that are insecure, that lack in self confidence and self-validation. It is they that are immature, always and never-endingly seeking the external validation of another. They are parasites at best, some of them are weak-minded sexual addicts. Nothing you do is ever good enough. NO matter how much you give, no matter what you give, no matter what you do, no matter what you don't do, no matter what you say or don't say? Its NEVER enough for their azz! You can't please them, satisfy them, pacify them nor make them happy no matter what you do or don't do. Their appetite for drama and being the attention of any and everyone else is insatiable. They are "Emotional Vampires!" and can't run from them quick enough nor fast enough! In so far as being alone? Its a fact! You simply can't go wrong being by yourself. At the end of each day, when you walk into your Home, and turn to lock the door? You and you alone are the Master of all that lays before you. Behind your front door it is you that is the King/Queen of your castel. The rules are simple ~ your rules are the rules. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 The important thing that you need to know is that your a Valuable and worthy individual and human being deserving of love, validation, acceptance, and the compassion of others. You OK, you just made a bad choice in a spouse. Its not that your un-worthy nor un-dersrving, its that he's un-worthy and un-deserving of YOU! Don't beat yourself up too badly, we all have made bad choices in life. Its hard and difficult to know if you've made the right or wrong one until you've made it, as it can take years upon years to come to the concclusion that while at one of the many crossroads of Life that we come to? We should have, and with the experience of hindsight ~ would have ~ chossen a different path. In the end God loves you, and in the end that's all you ~ and I truly need! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 You maybe worthless to one person? But your invaluable and priceless to so many others! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 I can understand your fear. But the thing is, once you do it, if you decide to do it, you'll find you are so much happier. There are men out there, GOOD MEN who won't treat you like a dish rag. I believe in love. I don't think this guy loves you or himself. I promise, if you leave, you'll get out there and find someone who will appreciate who you are. When you get out from under his thumb, you'll realize what a disaster he is and how he's hurt you. You deserve better. Hang in there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bhgirl Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Thank you to everyone for the kind words I guess it is still all raw for me and I go from anger to fear to anguish. He is moving out on the 28th of this month and just seems to be ok with everything. I don't know how I feel a part of me wants to beg and plead for him to stay, but a part of me also is saying this is best. from what I gather on this site it doesn't seem wise to even beg and plead with a spouse who is bent on leaving. I just don't understand how he can just turn his back on our family. I keep going over things in my head and it all seems so trivial to me. I am not perfect and have never proclaimed to be, but through the 14 years I have been with my husband I have never strayed from our marriage. I have been a faithful wife and really thought I would be married forever. I am embarrassed to tell me friends and fearful how my kids will react. I am just not in a good place emotionally. I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. When will this feeling pass. My mind is racing wondering where he is moving and why he doesn't appear to be affected at all. How is it that you can be ok with ending 14 years together. I am not in a good spot I am trying to be strong for my children and also because I want to be able to move forward I just don't see how. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bhgirl Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Also how to I do NC with children involved? Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Also how to I do NC with children involved? Go LC. LC= limited contact. Keep the contact only about the children. Nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
mbethb Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 bhgril, I'm doing LC and it works for me for now. I'm getting better daily but still check my phone for messages etc. I have no chance of NC as my SBXH and I share two children and as the divorce is very new we have a lot of things to discuss. He is, however, texting occasionally, about random things and I just try not to reply. It's hard, but I just keep reminding myself that I was betrayed and he's not the person that I married. He's a beast that ruined our family. Stay strong..we must! Link to post Share on other sites
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