zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Last few weeks have been pretty different for me...xMW is seeking MC and trying to improve some of the communication issues (and whatever else) that have been present all along and that perhaps led her to me.... She mentioned to me that she doesn't feel she is being honest in the MC because her BS does not know she had an A. Their issues are other...i'm not sure what all of them are honestly...it's a topic we chose not to discuss as we thought it was something unhealthy (go figure). I told her it's not my decision to make, but if she feels it's holding her back from making improvments she should do what she needs, but not mention names if possible. I think if he guessed for people my name would be top of the list... Do you feel like it's necessary to disclose this information or can she go to her grave with this and not disclose it...just looking for opinion here... Truthfully, I'm bored and trying to keep my mind busy...I don't want to turn to breaking silence with xMW (not that she will respond), but I need some shred of self respect....what's left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 without honesty you cannot have intimacy' date=' without intimacy you cannot have a relationship.[/quote'] I think I agree. I've encouraged her to do what she needs. I don't think she would have brought it up if she didn't think she needed to...I guess. I told her that if the goal is to fix her marriage, then she shouldn't consider me...I think she's worried about fallout on me and my child. So I asked for it to be done with no names...though perhaps he can figure it out or narrow it down. I don't know him really. As much as it pains me (selfishly) ..i want all of us to go the right direction and have success moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Ssgrimes Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 without honesty you cannot have intimacy' date=' without intimacy you cannot have a relationship.[/quote'] I wrote this done. What a powerful statement that so clearly says what most of us have swirling around n our head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 I wrote this done. What a powerful statement that so clearly says what most of us have swirling around n our head. I tend to think that until she does this she'll always be hampered...or just "going through the motions"...but I suppose not my problem....but I guess I'm glad she asked so I can try to be on the watch if there is fall out. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 She mentioned to me that she doesn't feel she is being honest in the MC because her BS does not know she had an A. Their issues are other...i'm not sure what all of them are honestly...it's a topic we chose not to discuss as we thought it was something unhealthy (go figure). MC where the married MOM or MOW is in touch with lover does not work. I am always amused when the lover gives advice on how to fix the marriage while having still having the EA. Gee, some even offer marital counseling during interourse.:laugh: If you truly want the best for the MOW (not for you) then you should dump her and never ever talk to her again. Go 100% NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 MC where the married MOM or MOW is in touch with lover does not work. I am always amused when the lover gives advice on how to fix the marriage while having still having the EA. Gee, some even offer marital counseling during interourse.:laugh: If you truly want the best for the MOW (not for you) then you should dump her and never ever talk to her again. Go 100% NC. I haven't regularly been involved in giving her advice. But, as amused as you are....most of us do in fact care about our AP, and regardless of how amused you are, I do want her to be happy one way or the other. I get that being in touch with me in any way probably doesn't work. We aren't physical and haven't been. And she still dancing around an EA at times...though it's almost nothing now. That being said, she contacted me out of courtesy, I think because she is thinking about seriously revealing the A and didn't want me not to know in case I needed to be prepared. Pierre, I get that you are often very helpful...and your advice truly is spot on...but understand that everyone is at a different spot in their emotional journey and recovery. This isn't for your amusement... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 I don't think Pierre was trying to be snarky, I get what he means. If a WS truly wants to reconcile and goes to MC to attempt that, having any contact with the AP is counterintuitive, it won't work. You say you care about this woman, and I'm sure you do, but you need to back all the way out of her life, even if she contacts you. I know...and I apologize for jumping. I guess that's the hurt in me coming out...my apologizes Pierre. I agree with what you're saying and that's precisely where I'm trying to head with things. There are some details that make it challenging (work), but I think I can get as far away as possible to where we are at best acquatiances so she can make progress. There may be some times where it's awkward, but hopefuly we can get there....things have been getting there rather quickly lately. She's been the strong one...truth be told. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 We went from talking every day...to about 5 sentences in 14-15 days...and those were not anything of the personal or intimate level...it's very very strange and a huge change...but I get what she's trying to do...I still think you are right that she shouldn't think even the 5 sentences will allow her to move forward...otherwise, why hold on... I still feel like she's reluctant to lose me entirely...but I think she's closer than she was...and I almost feel like she's ready to boot me off the island. I've been very proactive/active in trying to busy myself and I've got a few things lined up this week with some female single friends...hoping that helps me....distraction has been the hardest thing for me to find... My kid will be gone this week so I have the ability to focus on some "me" time... Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 We went from talking every day...to about 5 sentences in 14-15 days...and those were not anything of the personal or intimate level...it's very very strange and a huge change...but I get what she's trying to do...I still think you are right that she shouldn't think even the 5 sentences will allow her to move forward...otherwise, why hold on... I still feel like she's reluctant to lose me entirely...but I think she's closer than she was...and I almost feel like she's ready to boot me off the island. I've been very proactive/active in trying to busy myself and I've got a few things lined up this week with some female single friends...hoping that helps me....distraction has been the hardest thing for me to find... My kid will be gone this week so I have the ability to focus on some "me" time... The word amuse was used in a poetic manner. But, I often see OWs giving marital advice to the MMs while they engage them actively. I assume they don't realize it looks a bit strange. But, ultimately, one wishes the best for the other, I get it. From my experience, the OWs or OMs that completely go silent often have more success in recapturing the favors of the married party. She is simply medicating herself as she is trying to improve her marriage. Paradoxically many OMs and OWs improve some marriages. As for you: The best thing you can do is to go 100% NC. Do this for you.:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 The word amuse was used in a poetic manner. But, I often see OWs giving marital advice to the MMs while they engage them actively. I assume they don't realize it looks a bit strange. But, ultimately, one wishes the best for the other, I get it. From my experience, the OWs or OMs that completely go silent often have more success in recapturing the favors of the married party. She is simply medicating herself as she is trying to improve her marriage. Paradoxically many OMs and OWs improve some marriages. As for you: The best thing you can do is to go 100% NC. Do this for you.:cool: Agree...I'm trying my best to begin looking out for me and realize I don't have to constantly put this person I love in front of my own well-being...considering she can't really look out for me..I have got to do it for myself. Hoping my upcoming distractions work...one girl oddly (my waitress) started asking me what I was doing sitting by myself...I was waiting on my child who was across the street. She started talking to me...and immediately jumped into asking about me...why I was a single parent etc...showed genuine interest. I asked her for her number....I will call her maybe tonight or tomorrow. That was a victory for me...because all of this stuff has kind of hurt my confidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 Agree...I'm trying my best to begin looking out for me and realize I don't have to constantly put this person I love in front of my own well-being...considering she can't really look out for me..I have got to do it for myself. Hoping my upcoming distractions work...one girl oddly (my waitress) started asking me what I was doing sitting by myself...I was waiting on my child who was across the street. She started talking to me...and immediately jumped into asking about me...why I was a single parent etc...showed genuine interest. I asked her for her number....I will call her maybe tonight or tomorrow. That was a victory for me...because all of this stuff has kind of hurt my confidence. Some women get turned on when they see a dad with his kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 Some women get turned on when they see a dad with his kid. I've been a single dad for 10 years...not turning anyone on that I can tell. They love it and admire it...but I'm looking for Mrs. Right...more than Mrs. Right now...that, and I don't get to go out anytime I want..but I wouldn't change a thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Ashlaria Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 We went from talking every day...to about 5 sentences in 14-15 days...and those were not anything of the personal or intimate level...it's very very strange and a huge change... This is EXACTLY what I am struggling with. He would call me on the way to work, at his break at 10, lunch at 1, on his way back at 5. I would get a goodnight message on fb every night and a good morning every morning. I spent two and a half years knowing where he was, what he was doing and being part of his intimate circle, then nothing. It is the part I am struggling with the most and nothing is filling the void Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 This is EXACTLY what I am struggling with. He would call me on the way to work, at his break at 10, lunch at 1, on his way back at 5. I would get a goodnight message on fb every night and a good morning every morning. I spent two and a half years knowing where he was, what he was doing and being part of his intimate circle, then nothing. It is the part I am struggling with the most and nothing is filling the void Hang in their Ash...we have to believe it gets just a little easier day by day...try to busy yourself and think about the positives in life....i know it's easier said than done...i have some really down days..and then some days I'm fine.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 If she is going to MC to repair and work on her marriage, then yes I think she needs to delve everything. If not, and it is to transition towards then not necessarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 If she is going to MC to repair and work on her marriage, then yes I think she needs to delve everything. If not, and it is to transition towards then not necessarily. Sorry, not sure I understood your sentence completely... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 MC while she continues to lie (by omission) and not admit to the affair...which means not ADDRESSING the affair...and while remaining in any kind of contact with her affair partner...is simply a waste of time and money. If this is what she's doing...her goal is simply to use going to MC as her way to salve her own conscience. "See, we even did marriage counseling and it didn't work!" The reality is...if she still lies...there's no way it can possibly succeed. She's sabotaging it from the very beginning. Right now, she's just wasting time and money and going through the sham of acting like she's willing to work on and fix things. This speaks volumes about her character, in my book. Tell her this point blank. If you truly want this to be a worthwhile effort...tell him the truth about our affair, and end it with me while you're working on your marriage. It's that simple...not easy...but simple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 My wayward wife (now ex-wife) lied to me and our therapist all through marriage counseling after I had discovered her affair. Complete waste of time. Let's not pretend that's not obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 Thank you for the last 2 responses...and I mean that sincerely...because it's the same thing my gut has told me...but I needed to hear it from either someone who has been through it or who is outside the circumstance. I really do appreciate your honesty there....and I agree. She may have a variety of reasons for holding back the information..but the reality is all of those are keeping her from really working through everything.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Thank you for the last 2 responses...and I mean that sincerely...because it's the same thing my gut has told me...but I needed to hear it from either someone who has been through it or who is outside the circumstance. I really do appreciate your honesty there....and I agree. She may have a variety of reasons for holding back the information..but the reality is all of those are keeping her from really working through everything.... There was one time when myself and my xMM had a bust up and I said all I wanted was for him to be happy, and if that meant sorting out his marriage and his relationship with his wife, then so be it. If it brought him happiness then I would be happy for him, even though I would lose him. He was FURIOUS when I said this. Saying HE would decide what would make him happy thank you very much etc. Did not like it at all. These are very selfish people we are dealing with. I'm not saying every married person who has had an affair is being selfish. I can understand if in a loveless relationship it can happen. I was married once and towards the end was tempted. I tried to solve our marriage however, but it did not work out. So I made the decision at 39 with no kids to leave. It was not easy. Some of these people we are dealing with do not have any spine. They want other people to make decisions for them so they are not responsible for their actions. They will lie and cheat to get what they want. They want attention and they do like the drama. It makes their lives interesting...and they cannot bear to be alone - at all. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 The word amuse was used in a poetic manner. But, I often see OWs giving marital advice to the MMs while they engage them actively. I assume they don't realize it looks a bit strange. But, ultimately, one wishes the best for the other, I get it. From my experience, the OWs or OMs that completely go silent often have more success in recapturing the favors of the married party. She is simply medicating herself as she is trying to improve her marriage. Paradoxically many OMs and OWs improve some marriages. As for you: The best thing you can do is to go 100% NC. Do this for you.:cool: I gave marital advice "Leave! LEAVE! LEAAAVVVEE"... I'm just kidding. Kinda. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Ze- The one thing that you should prepare for is that if she does decide to talk about the A, your name WILL come up. There's just no way around it. Eventually, even if she chooses not to discuss who, it will most likely slip or he will want to know, full disclosure, etc. So be prepared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 Ze- The one thing that you should prepare for is that if she does decide to talk about the A, your name WILL come up. There's just no way around it. Eventually, even if she chooses not to discuss who, it will most likely slip or he will want to know, full disclosure, etc. So be prepared. Believe me...I realize it...I appreciate you heeding warning. And it's something I know will inevitably come out...I was a BS once...and I know how that goes....even if the name isn't mentioned...the BS will push push push until he finds out. So I'm aware...but perhaps there is no real preparation for that kind of thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Believe me...I realize it...I appreciate you heeding warning. And it's something I know will inevitably come out...I was a BS once...and I know how that goes....even if the name isn't mentioned...the BS will push push push until he finds out. So I'm aware...but perhaps there is no real preparation for that kind of thing... If your name comes up, handle it then. No need to worry about it now. I'm sure you'll be fine. You are doing the right thing, so you don't have to worry about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Sorry, not sure I understood your sentence completely... If she wants to continue the marriage, work on the marriage, then tell all. If she is using MC to transition to divorce then no I don't see the point. Link to post Share on other sites
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