Men I need your advice, Looking at other women

[luckyme]

What actually do men think when they look at other attractive women? And why does it make me jealous? My fiance doesn't stare, I just notice him looking over. I actually look for a attractive women and watch for him to look over, than I drive myself crazy with jealousy, I hate to even go out cause I want to avoid all women he might look at. I know this is insane, but how can I stop. Can a man tell me honestly what they think when they see a attractive women? We are both very happy with each other. Thank you any advice is appreciated.

[supermom]

Its normal to look as long as it's not acted upon

[bluechocolate]

Knowing what he's thinking isn't going to help you any - in fact it could probably make it worse. Anyway, what's more important here is what is going on in YOUR mind.

 

People like to look at attractive people - men more so. Its natural & there isn't anything inherently wrong with it.

 

You say he doesn't stare - so he's not oggling & grabbing his crotch or doing anything that could be openly construed as destructive to your self-esteem? Is his looking OBVIOUS? Does he swing his head around or crane his neck? Or is it just you looking to see if he is looking like you said?

 

I actually look for a attractive women and watch for him to look over, than I drive myself crazy with jealousy, I hate to even go out cause I want to avoid all women.

 

This is quite extreme really.

 

If you are indeed both very happy with each other & he's just innocently noticing attractive women then you need to deal with this because ultimately it could ruin your relationship. It sounds to me like you may have serious issues to do with your self-esteem. It might be a good idea to get some help with that before you get married.

[luckyme]

Yes I absolutely know this is extreme and is my problem. Problem is I was never like this before. I was married for 10 years and never ever did I think like this. See the problem is me and my fiance had a affair when we were both still married and ended up getting divorced to be together, and we told each other things that we never should have told each other, like cheating. Than we fell in love. I know this is me, I need some advice as to what I can do or think when I get one of these jealous rages? Thanks again

[bluechocolate]

Ah, well there it is then - you both cheated on your spouses so I would guess that your insecurity stems from the fear that he will cheat again.

 

So his looking at other women is feeding your fear that he may cheat on you?

 

I don't really now what to tell you that would make you stop feeling this way. If you're secure in your relationship then I guess you're just going to have to convince yourself that your thoughts & fears are irrational and that, in large part, will come down to how much you trust your fiance to look & not touch. Have you two sought any pre-marital counselling? There might be some help there for you.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by luckyme

Yes I absolutely know this is extreme and is my problem. Problem is I was never like this before. I was married for 10 years and never ever did I think like this. See the problem is me and my fiance had a affair when we were both still married and ended up getting divorced to be together, and we told each other things that we never should have told each other, like cheating. Than we fell in love. I know this is me, I need some advice as to what I can do or think when I get one of these jealous rages? Thanks again

 

 

Guys just like looking at times. He isn't staring at them obsessively and drooling right? I'd say you both have a bigger problem. You both cheated on your spouses to be with each other and now you are realizing that if he did it once, he could do it again. He might be wondering the same thing...

[Aaron]

You are opening Pandora's box by asking this question. What a man has inside his head isn't reflective on what he feels about you. You can't be thought police, just as much as he can't control or know everything you're thinking. But just so you ask, I'm single now, but even when I was with my ex, when I see a hot woman walking by, I am undressing her with my eyes and thinking what it would be like to have sex with her. But I didn't flirt with any women while I was with her, nor did I ever cheat on her. Again, fantasies are fantasies, thoughts are thoughts. That's why they are not acted on.

[mymojo]

My guydoes this and is pretty obvious at times,doing the head swivel,the double,triple take,sometimes even commenting aloud about different women in front of me.He stares long enough to remember minute details too.

 

We've had many fights about this issue so now I just try to not notice anything on those occasions when it's unavoidable for us to be out in public together. I will say that now when he compliments my appearance,I respond by laughing and telling him to cut the crap.I try to avoid going out in public with him,it's just a lot easier for me.

[luckyme]

Thanks for the replie, I also don't go out with my fiance when possible. I actually avoid at all cost going anywhere I think attractive women might be. I try to get out of enjoyable events because I will look for someone for him to look at and then torture myself when he does. WHy do we do this to ourselves? Any idea's of how to get these stupid thoughts out of our minds? I know he lovers me. thanks again

[mymojo]

Originally posted by luckyme

Thanks for the replie, I also don't go out with my fiance when possible. I actually avoid at all cost going anywhere I think attractive women might be. I try to get out of enjoyable events because I will look for someone for him to look at and then torture myself when he does. WHy do we do this to ourselves? Any idea's of how to get these stupid thoughts out of our minds? I know he lovers me. thanks again

 

I don't need to "look for" anybody for my partner to look at,he's quite good at finding them himself.I don't think my thoughts are "stupid" as they are based on fact,he does notice other women in an obvious way in front of me.What I do speculate on though,is which one of them he's going to be thinking of when he reaches for me.He loves me,of that I'm sure but I think my physical appearance is a turnoff to him.

[DutyPaid]

See the problem is me and my fiance had a affair when we were both still married and ended up getting divorced to be together, and we told each other things that we never should have told each other, like cheating.

 

told each other what other things? like you both cheated more than once on your spouses?

 

i think that is the crux of this insecurity

 

and i like the idea that you should consider some couselling BEFORE you get married

[Vitruvius]

Originally posted by luckyme

What actually do men think when they look at other attractive women? And why does it make me jealous? My fiance doesn't stare, I just notice him looking over. I actually look for a attractive women and watch for him to look over, than I drive myself crazy with jealousy, I hate to even go out cause I want to avoid all women he might look at. I know this is insane, but how can I stop. Can a man tell me honestly what they think when they see a attractive women? We are both very happy with each other. Thank you any advice is appreciated.

 

This is my answer more for women who are already married or being betrothed to their first husbands and who have the exact same problem than for women who are divorced due to unfaithfulness on their parts and then engaged to their second husbands-to-be:

 

[color=blue]Answer to first question explicitly asked:[/color] They either are lusting after them or simply admiring their beauty as a creation of God, much in the same way one would look at a beautiful or noteworthy painting in a museum. In the first case, lusting is morally wrong. In the second, it is not immoral. It just means that he considers them just as beautiful in their own right as you are, just like one likes all flowers equally, so it need never be an issue of competition with/for you. BUT, from a moral standpoint, it is NONE of your business what the man you're with is or may be thinking or feeling inside of his head or soul---good or bad---whatever he happens to be doing at the moment that is not itself immoral, i.e., enjoying a meal at a restaurant whether with a friend or a betrothed/spouse or by himself. In other words and to echo what Aaron has just said, what is going on inside of his head has nothing to do with you; you are not thought police nor is it your job to be and he does not owe you an explanation for actions that are not in and by themselves morally wrong from an objective standpoint. [color=brown] (The same is true with your attitude toward the other woman---it is none of your business what she is or may be thinking and feeling about your man---because, ultimately, it doesn't matter what she thinks/feels because you know that he will always be faithful to you and he will be consistently choosing you over her.)[/color]

 

Why? Three reasons: First, don't judge his behavior according to mere appearances, i.e., what "looks like" to you because what "looks like" usually is in reality not. Second, you don't own his soul, i.e., the entire contents of his personality and seat of emotions and thoughts, and you do not own his soul as you would his body if he were engaged to/married to you. If he chooses to share his normally "nunuvyerbizniz" thoughts about the women he has just looked at, you should be gratified that he is choosing to open up that aspect of his personality or soul to you or let you in on what is going on with him right then (not that choosing NOT to do so indicates unfaithfulness on his part necessarily, as it's about his maintaining his right to personal privacy, not needing to keep your trust or to be able to trust him), and not be irrationally and needlessly jealous of these women or unjustifiably insecure in your relationship with him. Third, if it's possible his looking is pure and innocent, then from a moral standpoint it's always better to assume the best of intentions on his part, rather than the worst. So give your man the benefit of your doubt and quit worrying about him. He is, after all, physically with YOU and not the object of lust or admiration with whom there is virtually no chance he will have a romantic/sexual involvement. [color=brown](The last statement does not at all suggest that you should personally chaperon him or supervise his activities nor should you ask someone else to chaperon him if you aren't going to be able to watch him; you should not and you do not have the God-given right and/or the responsibility to do so, for he is not someone you should treat like a child or potential criminal or even a dog that you put a leash on just because you don't trust him without just cause and you should trust him to have the freedom as a mature adult to make the correct moral choices on his own and according to his own conscience, as is his own responsibility and his own right, not yours. Besides, if you truly care about him AND completely lack self-interest, you will allow him to fall into sexual immorality or wrongdoing on his own time, not yours, and once he falls, you'll know that you will truly have the moral right/position to become very upset/angry and jealous and it will be, if ever, in such moments when your love for him is real and lasting, not illusory or fleeting like a simple high-school infatuation or crush.)[/color] So enjoy these events with your hubby rather than needlessly waste all your mental energy on worrying about his looking at other women. If irrational jealousy continues to be a problem, then you really should go see a marriage counselor, or better yet, a psychotherapist because you are the one, not your man, who has a problem---and a serious one that is extremely likely to destroy your relationship/marriage.

 

[color=blue]Answer to second question:[/color] It is commendable that you admit to yourself and to others that you are jealous of the other women who your man looks at; that is the first step to getting help for your problem. For starters, what is making you jealous is pathological insecurity and quite possibly also unhealthy enmeshment or co-dependency as you may be dependent on him to meet your self-esteem or self-identity needs. But, since there actually a history of cheating on HIS part, then your jealousy is at least partially justified. HOWEVER, since merely looking at other women does not itself constitute unfaithfulness as far as you can objectively tell because, from a moral standpoint, his motives for doing so don't concern you at all because you are not responsible to God for or over them nor is he personally accountable to you for them. Also, since you have been unfaithful to your ex-husband, luckyme, you are not in any position to accuse your new hubby of the same offense, that is, you have lost all moral authority to do so. So for these two reasons, luckyme, you can't really say anything to your hubby about his looking at these women, I'm sorry to say.

 

I don't mean to seem harsh or critical or judgmental; I'm not. I'm just giving you my honest opinion based on my own understanding of relevant Biblical teaching. I'm not saying that if you are not a Christian or do not believe in God or the Christian Bible, you should do this because that's not my goal of this posting; I'm saying that that's how I as a Christian would (and how other Christians should, in my strong belief) respond to this particular situation if I (we) were in your shoes. That's all. Thanks for your time and patience reading this somewhat lengthy post.

[BUBBLEBLONDE3]

I Have Similar Insecurities And Situation As You Do, However I Have Never Cheated On Anyone. My X Husband And Boyfriends Have, Therefore I Realize That Trust Is A Weakness For Me. However, I've Also Been Told I Trust To Easily And That Trust Needs To Be Earned. Also, A Counselor Told Me That If A Man Takes More Than The First Initial Look (just As You Or I Would) That He Should Be Respectful Of You And Not Stare Or Take The Second Look. Also, If A Man Stares At Other Women When He Is With You, What Does He Do When He Is Not With You? I'm Talking About A Stare, Second Look Or Glare, Not The Initial Glance. If Your Partner Knows You Have This Weakness Or Fear He Should Pay Close Attention To His Actions As To Help You With Your Weakness. If You've Told Him This Hurts You And He Continues Then What Does That Say About How Much He Cares For You And Respects Your Feelings?

 

I've Told My Boyfriend And I Can Tell He Really Tries At Times And Other Times Forgets. I Feel In A Loving Relationship Both People Need To Do All They Can To Safeguard That Relationship And Talk And Work On Those Things That Bother Each Other. I Work On My Insecurities And He Also Needs To Work On Not Staring. I Actually Lose Respect For Him When I Catch Him Staring And Wonder If He's Going To Always Be Looking For Someone Better Looking. One Time He Actually Thought He Was Complimenting Me When He Said....i've Looked At All The Women Here...and You're The Most Beautiful Of All. I Said...it's Nice To Know That While You're With Me, You Were Looking At All The Other Women...and Thank God You Didn't Find One That You Found More Appealing....lol. I Guess This Is A Big Difference Between Men And Women. However, As I Said, Communicating Your Feelings And Him Respecting Them And Working Together To Put Your Relationship And Feelings First Is The Most Important Thing. I Know My Boyfriend Cheated On His First Wife So That Doesn't Help. I Found Out Long After I Fell In Love With Him. If I Had Known This Up Front, I Would Have Never Started Dating Him. I Realize People Can Change, But Moral Character Is A Priority To Me In My Christian Walk And In The One I Date. Just My Experiences And Opinions. I Hope It Helps Some.

 

One More Thing In Regard To What The Christian Lady Said...i Too Am A Christian And Discussed This With My Pastor And Boyfriend. The Pastor Pointed Out That To Lust In Your Mind Is The Same As Adultry In The Bible. My Boyfriend Felt Ashamed And Admitted He Was Wrong But Has Been Alone For 6 Years And Needs To Work On Breaking Old Habits. We Joked About How Guys Sometimes Committ Relationship Suicide For One Stupid Glare At A Pretty Woman, When They Could Earn Bonus Points For Looking Away, Instead Of Staring. I Do Feel It's Important To Put The Relationship And Other Persons Feelings First In This Case...that Is If You Truly Love Them And Don't Want To Hurt Them. We All Have Baggage From Childhood And Our Past Relationships And Should Help Each Other Work Through Them. I Pray For God To Help Us Both Through This.

 

I Wish You Both The Best.

[steflondon]

I disagree with most of the people on this thread. It is not normal and healthy and all that crap to look at other women. yes it is normal to look at other "people" in general. but just because they are in your view. If you really loved someone you would only be attracted to them. and all this garbage about how it is the womens problem that she needs to get psychological help because She Is HURt that He LOOks at other women. More like the man needs help! When did society get so horrible that we blame women for their own pain caused by a man. I do agree that sometimes we let our minds get carried away and if it "looks like theyre looking" they probably arent. But in most cases guys are pretty damn horny, and they look a lot. So for you to blame the women for HIS HORNy Ways is absolutley ridiculous. REAl Love is devoted to one person. cant live without the other person, wrapped up in them kind of love. real love is indestructable and endless.