when is enough, enough w/ family?

[2KindKay]

Hi there everyone, well I guess i'm writing this hoping for advice. I'm just wondering when enough is enough when it comes to family? How long can one person be used and abused before they just wash their hands with all of it. I should tell you this is my side of the family not my husbands and as far back as I can remember my family has been spiteful and hurtful. I guess I just took it because I never felt accepted and hoped one day I would be, but even today, with me being an adult, the hurt continues and the tears still continue to fall. It amazes me how many times I have forgiven them. (My father, 2 brothers, 1 sister, + sister/brother in-laws) I'm sure had it been anyone else I would have never talked to them again. I know some of you are probably going to tell me to talk to them or try to, the problem is you don't talk to my family, it always turns into a fist fight and they are all heavy drinkers which only makes things worse. I do sometimes wonder if that's part of the problem, not just them drinking, but the fact that I quit drinking, wasn't worth destroying my life with my husband and kids over.

 

I wish it were as simple as not answering the phone or the door, but they get drunk and keep calling and when I don't answer it only makes them more ticked off, so finally I give in and talk to them only to be screamed at and put down, I have asked them to leave me alone but to no avail, nothing seems to work, even if I change my phone number they always seem to get it. I'm torn because I have always been taught that you forgive family and stick by each other, and when I don't talk to them they know they can make me feel guilty, I guess i'm just to nice for my own good, even they say that, it's kinda the family joke, piss Kay off, not a problem she's a door-mat and will forgive you, I guess i'm just getting to old for this and really don't want it disrupting my family anymore, how can I break away from this and not feel bad about doing it?

 

Any advice you could give would be appreciated, I feel like i'm going out of my mind. I didn't get into how bad they really are because it would take several pages to do that. LOL On that note I will end this post, Have a good day!!

Kay[color=blue][/color]

[Fritz]

Ahh, annoying family members! How many ways can one hate them. Luckily I've never been in your situation. In my family we just usually ignored each other and played "nice" to each other on holidays if there was bad feelings. Just don't let them guilt trip you anymore. Family is family but there is only so much one can tolerate. Don't answer their calls, don't take their crap and take care of your own family. Don't let their guilt trips get to you. Maybe they'll take the hint. Easier said than done though.

[bluechocolate]

I do sometimes wonder if that's part of the problem, not just them drinking, but the fact that I quit drinking, wasn't worth destroying my life with my husband and kids over.

 

No wondering about it - that is the problem.

 

how can I break away from this and not feel bad about doing it?

 

The same way you quit drinking. By convincing youself that they are not worth destroying your life with your husband and kids. Your first family now is that one - you, your husband & kids - that is what is paramount.

 

Sure some families stick together, but doesn't that work both ways? Personally I don't subscribe to the notion that blood is thicker than water. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family. Why should you have to have some blind loyalty to them simply by accident of birth?

 

Maybe you could decide that you'll only associate with them when they are sane & sober. Stop being a door-mat for them & stop being so forgiving & start demanding respect & sobriety from them when they are in your presence. If they bang on your door drunk, call the police. If they continue to call you drunk, have their number(s) barred from your phone. I'm sure you've heard of tough love?

 

Just because they are family that does not mean you have to tolerate their abuse & be their door-mat.

 

it's kinda the family joke, piss Kay off, not a problem she's a door-mat and will forgive you

 

So why should they change their behaviour towards you?

[2KindKay]

Thank you all so much for the advice and nice words. I guess I knew in my heart it was time to break all ties with my family, I guess I just needed to hear it from others so I didn't feel so evil about it. Dealing with family can be tough, and I do agree that blood isn't always thicker than water, believe me my family has more than proved that.

 

I guess after reading my own words and then all of your advice, I see now that I did LET myself be a door-mat, and they treat me the way I let them, I truly believe I did that for acceptance, but the truth is they never will and I will never be good enough in their eyes, as long as the family I have now accepts and loves me that is all that matters. It's time to put the past back in the past where it belongs.

 

Again thank you for the advice, I really needed it.

[bluechocolate]

Again thank you for the advice, I really needed it.

 

You're very welcome.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

Cheers

[Confused28]

HI Kay,

 

I read your story, I'm so sorry for you. The drinking is the problem. I am a recovered alcoholic, but when I was drinking...man...... I said and did some totally uncharacteristic, mean things. I am ashambed to this day, I had to stop. I didn't realize it until I started losing people in my life, my friends, losing contact with my family, people didn't want to go out to bars with me, because they had to usually take care of me, drive me home, make excuses to people for why I was already blasted before we even went out and hit the bars.

 

So, I think you need to do what is right for you and your own husband and kids and really tell them you are not going to have contact with them while alcohol is in their life. That will bring them closer to sobriety, if they ever get there.

 

Congrats on taking alcohol out of your life! And, I think it is great that you are a nice person, I wish more people were like you:-) Confused28

[2KindKay]

hi there confused,

I too like you would do some pretty crazy things when I was drinking, till this day I still feel guilty about some of those things. Giving up drinking was one of the best choices I have made, all though my family doesn't seem to think so, they say I must think i'm better than them now that I don't drink. That use to hurt me when they said that, but then I realized that in a sense they are right, I am better (not necessarily than them) but at least I have given myself a new start on life. I have lived in a family full of drinkers all of my life, I can't remember even one time when they didn't drink. I felt it was time for one of us to break that cycle. It hasn't always been easy, as i'm sure you can understand with you also being a recovered alcoholic, I have my days when I feel like I would love to drink until I pass out.

 

As for my family I don't ever see them being sober. I guess after looking at the posts I feel I am a co-Dependant. I do love my family and I always will, but in order to keep myself happy, healthy and sane, I guess it's time to cut the ties.

 

Thank you for posting and have a super day!

Kay

[Tucoball]

Wow Kay,

 

Lot of advise on this one. I have to agree with most of it. I came from a similar situation, some with and without the alcohol. From an irresponsible sister who dumped her three children on my mother three times because drugs were a better life, to an alcoholic father who destroyed two families, to a grandfather who molested my niece, to a mother so fanatic that you would believe the whole family would be shaving their heads and preparing to drink grape Kool-Aid. My head was spinning with the drama.

 

I took all of this with a level of guilt and a feeling that I had failed the family by not protecting everyone from each other and their own actions. It wasn’t until I had children of my own that I finally realized that my family (sisters, mother, father, grandfather) was not my responsibility. I couldn’t fix all this crap. What I was in control of was making sure that this trend ended here. I decided that all my focus was to be on my wife and my children. Making sure that they are okay and that how I provide for my family, (wife and children) is done in a manner that will stop this cycle of garbage. It was a little difficult at first. I didn’t cut off all communication. However, I had to resist the urge to intervene when the drama continued to play out. Particularly when it involved my niece and nephews but I did. It comes to where I am now. Comfortable with where my real family (wife and children) is and is going. The outside family stopped coming to me because they couldn’t get the reaction that they starved. So now they go to each other but mostly to my older sister.

 

My older sister saw how healthy I had become and has asked me how she can get to where I am now. She still calls me with the drama that is now focused in her direction and I listen to her but never get involved. Occasionally, she will call me to tell me that she is going to meet with this one or that one and I tell her not to waste her time because she is being sucked back in. Every time she calls me after the meeting to tell me, “You were right.”

 

Don’t get me wrong, family is family. You like me will always be there but don’t allow yourself to be a doormat. Protect your spouse and most importantly, your children from this because it’s not how it supposed to be. When they show up un-invited and inebriated and are disturbing the peace call the authorities. Treat them like you would anyone else. Anything beyond that is a reaction that they are feeing on. Eventually they will get the message.

 

Good luck and good health.

[2KindKay]

Hi there beepo,

Thank you for posting. sorry to hear that you are/were in the same situation as I am, your family sounds a lot like mine. Glad that your outcome is a good one!

 

As of now, I am still avoiding all family, however if I happen to run into them at the store or something, I am nice and talk to them like a normal person (not that I know what "normal" really means.. LOL) They haven't even tried to call me since the last screaming match me had, which for me is a good thing for now. However I know they will get totally wasted and get thinking about things and the next phone call will happen. I called the phone co and had them put caller id on the phone so if I see it's them I just won't answer and if they keep calling I will do what bluechocolate suggested and have their numbers barred from my phone.

 

Your advice about protecting my spouse and children was a good one, my kids are a lot of the reason I am deciding to put a stop to all of this, I don't want them to grow up thinking this is how family's act.

 

Thank you for all of your advice and I hope things continue to run smoothly in your family and life as well!!