Attracted to woman who is with another woman

[oceanlovelost]

This is so complicated. I am a woman who runs a small business in a town of about 50,000 people. For years I had been in search of a helper whom I could truly trust with my business. I found the perfect person---a young woman, a professional harpist, a great all-around responsible, creative and warm human being. She has been helping me for almost a year now.

 

Nearly 4 years ago, my boyfriend died tragically at the age of 28--a heart aneurysm burst, and he died instantly. I was devastated---I honestly can say he was my soulmate. I still cry for him, and the wound is deep.

 

I never thought I would be able to feel anything for anyone ever again, the pain of the loss was so severe.

 

I also have never felt attracted to a woman.

 

Which brings me to this horrible confusing emotional mess I am in. Recently, perhaps just in the last few months or so, I have found myself increasingly drawn to my helper---we will call her Victoria. She has a five-year-old stepson, and is with another woman whom she has been with for about five years. (There is a complicated back story involving her partner's ex, but that is a whole other sad siuation)

 

In any case, Victoria and I have here and there just grabbed a cup of tea, or I have come over to hang out with her, her son and her partner. She tells me her son has really become attached to me and is always asking when I can come over. I have never really had a child take to me so much, and it makes me feel warm in the heart.

 

The other night I had invited Victoria and her partner over for a BBQ with me and my friends. VIctoria ended up coming alone because of a huge blow-up involving her partner's ex going on a rampage about running into Victoria at a store (apparantly Vicotria has to be careful where she goes lest she be spotted by this ex, and then all hell breaks loose....a sad situation)

 

So Victoria just came, saying her partner just wasn't feeling up to coming. We ate, we did some fireworks. All of us had a little wine. My other friends left, and then it was just me and Victoria. We talked until 1 am...Victoria opened up to me about her sadness concerning the precarious situation with her partner's ex. She was crying. I put my hand on her shoulder. I told her she was a wonderful person, and not to let this other person tear her down.

 

People tell me it was just the wine, but I noticed Victoria was more open with me, playfully punching me in the arm, talking to me more....and then when it came time for her to go, we hugged, and it became this long hug, and I heard her sigh very softly---I didn't want to let her go----but I did.

 

I was so emotional the next day---I was so surprised by how intense my emotions were----I have been in a daze the past few days, feeling alternately happy and then very weepy--I know there is nothing I can do because Victoria is with someone else.

 

And so I have to keep all these emotions inside. Now when I have to see Victoria for business exhanges, I try to be real careful, real controlled. I worry it is obvious how I feel----

 

I think this love for her has been building up over some time, and I was trying to push it away.

 

We are both very creative people--I admire her so much, and am quite honestly amazed by her. She is very androgynous and cute---easy to talk to, warm and friendly.

 

I know I never want to jeopardise our friendship--so I have to keep all these emotions at bay.

 

It is so hard. I honestly felt like my heart was so shattered it could never love again. I can't believe this is happening.

 

I just had to get this out---I know there is absolutely nothihng I can do. I cry a little each day, knowing I have to just cope with the feelings on my own. I know I can get through this.

 

It is just so hard because I feel like I am falling in love with this person---it is so intense and consuming.

 

I have no idea if she has any feelings for me at all, but I feel horrible to hope that maybe she does, just a teensy tiny bit.

 

I feel so happy when she is around--I feel like my old self again!

 

I am prepared to carry this burden just so I can make sure I will never lost her as a friend. The sacrifice of suffering in silence is worth having her in my life in any way, shape or form.

 

I just wish my heart could turn itself off. For the first time in years, it actually feels alive again--warm and alive, full of emotion and childlike delight.

 

Thank you for listening.........

Edited July 15, 2013 by oceanlovelost

[whichwayisup]

You talk about the emotional side of this, but what about sexual? Did you feel anything in that way? Is it romantic? Have you ever felt anything sexual for women in the past?

 

She is a friend..A good friend. It's great that you are feeling emotional and attached, women bond that way and friendships can be wonderful! She is with someone though and they are a family unit. Ex partner issues or not, don't use that as an excuse or justification to explore this further. Not that you're going to but the more time you allow yourself to think and feel, focus on how you feel when you're around her, it'll be difficult as time goes on.

 

Just make it clear and let her know how much you appreciate her friendship and how important she is to you, and that you're glad she's in your life forever. I wouldn't ever open up how you feel towards her in your heart, that will complicate things.

 

Sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse, especially in such a tragic way, couldn't have been easy for you.

[Pierre]

Some people fall in love with whomever is meeting a particular emotional need. It could be male, female, very young, very old, foreigner, etc. It does not matter who that person is as long as the emotional needs are met.