Weekend warriors

[Ssgrimes]

It seems like for many of us this was an emotional and difficult weekend. I battled with a lot of emotions about how I ended up in this situation and the reality of what might have been in his head.

 

I seem to bounce around from sad, hurt, angry, hopeful, and indifference. I will be happy when I am just hopeful for my future, where I am loved and respected and cared for by a man that sees the many ways that we can enhance each others lives. The day that I finally feel indifferent about xMM, which is probably a long time coming, is one that will finally tell me that I have battled through this storm and am a much stronger person because of it.

 

I am trying not to beat myself up for loving a man that wasn't mine to love. I knew what I was doing, but I think the situation, and his words and actions, got the best of me. I know that he said a lot of things to me during our time together, and now I question how true they really were. That's a hard reality to face. You trust someone and you don't really know if they deserved that trust.

 

We are all in different places on this journey, but reading what others have shared or are growing through help me to make it to the next day, or in some cases hour or minute, knowing that I am a good person and deserve the best.

[happy stillmore]

Ssgrimes,

I'm still having a hard time myself. It is so hard to explain why it is so difficult to get over my xMM. I guess because I saw my future with him. I trusted him completely and didn't imagine he would not be in my life. It never occurred to me that there was a possibility that he was not honest with himself and me. I still struggle with whether I believe he was a coward or if he was cake eating. I just don't know. I wish I could somehow know that answer. I don't know why it is so important to know when the end result is the same. We are not going to be together. This week I know is his mother's birthday. He is from another city and I know he is likely visiting his Mother with his wife and grown girls. I can't help but wonder whether he is acting like the happy family man and is relieved I'm gone. His life is simple now. no more of my asking questions to why he doesn't stand up for us. Does he miss me? I tell myself, if he doesn't then he was a jerk who used me and I'm better off. But, my gut did not ever tell me he was a user. I felt like he loved me. But, then again I tell myself, people don't hurt the person they say they love. So I still deserve better. Either way, I'm hurting. I know you can relate. Be strong. I feel like he is farther and farther away with each day. I feel like it is harder and harder for me to even consider taking him back if he should contact me. I think this is final. He knows he hurt me big time and it would be asking a lot for me to get past that. Stay strong. We deserve someone who we can freely love. Although I'm not looking now. I'm getting myself together and settled. How did I ever get to this point? I think because I believed him.I believed his marriage was over before I met him. I try to tell myself, his wife probably knows in the back of her mind that he is staying because he really doesn't have options. (He can't afford to live on his own) How sad that is for her but she doesn't care. She is afraid to be alone and can't imagine life without him. She is probably ecstatic right now. Her hovering and control of him paid off. She didn't win much of a prize. She has a husband who cheated and she will never be able to trust again. I tell myself I would never beg for someone to be with me. My partner will want to be with me and would do anything to do it. He made his choice and that is it. I'm proud that I said what I needed to say (most of the things anyway) and I left with a shred of self respect.

Edited July 15, 2013 by happy stillmore

[If-I-Only-Knew]

This is to reply to both of you. I think everyone while they are in an affair feel like that other person is perfect for them, that their future will be bright with them, that love with them conquers all and everything they tell you is truthful. You look into their eyes and feel their love and you get excited and happy about what will/may happen. Unfortunately affairs do not work that way all the time. I am currently in one and although I feel that she's the one, I know I am in a fog like the rest of you who are still currently in one. Is all this worth it? It's easy to say its not after the affair ends but not during which is what I'm dealing with now. You two are better off than me right now since your future will be brighter. Time does heal all wounds. Just think back about all your earlier loves that didn't pan out. Good luck to you two and just don't lose hope!

[hippetyhop]

SS- Very, very nice thread started.

 

I think we can all relate to the emotions all at once.

 

In the email to him, I thanked him for helping me become a better person. I have some light anger problems (not like throwing things-but just like to yell if I get upset) and he helped me figure out ways NOT to be like that. If it wasn't for him, I would probably be back in my own ways.

 

Although the A started off just for physical purposes, the emotional connection between us will always be one of a kind. Yes, it was bad for him to have an EA as well, but he lost that with his spouse. In my email to him, I told him this is the time for him to rebuild that.

 

As Happy said in their post, "But, then again I tell myself, people don't hurt the person they say they love." I do love him. I love him very much. My dropping the bombshell on him might have hurt him--might not have either, but regardless if I did, I also had to take care of myself.

 

"She has a husband who cheated and she will never be able to trust again."- That is very true. It is HER decision to keep a life going with him when she knows something just isn't right. Perhaps its denial to keep the happy family persona around for the kids? Maybe she just doesn't care. I will never know.

 

Men/Ladies here- we are all warriors. We are strong individuals who will overcome this. No matter what part of the world we're replying from, we all can relate in one way to another. I feel very lucky and relieved to be able to discuss this with non-biased individuals. At the end of the day, can we help who we fall in love with?

[hippetyhop]

This is to reply to both of you. I think everyone while they are in an affair feel like that other person is perfect for them, that their future will be bright with them, that love with them conquers all and everything they tell you is truthful. You look into their eyes and feel their love and you get excited and happy about what will/may happen. Unfortunately affairs do not work that way all the time. I am currently in one and although I feel that she's the one, I know I am in a fog like the rest of you who are still currently in one. Is all this worth it? It's easy to say its not after the affair ends but not during which is what I'm dealing with now. You two are better off than me right now since your future will be brighter. Time does heal all wounds. Just think back about all your earlier loves that didn't pan out. Good luck to you two and just don't lose hope!

 

I don't want to tj or pry, I take it you are you a MM with an OW? If you feel the way you do, why not end it with the OW or your spouse? I'm not trying to be a bully-- not one bit. I just want to know your perspective.

[BrookeM]

It seems like for many of us this was an emotional and difficult weekend. I battled with a lot of emotions about how I ended up in this situation and the reality of what might have been in his head.

 

I seem to bounce around from sad, hurt, angry, hopeful, and indifference. I will be happy when I am just hopeful for my future, where I am loved and respected and cared for by a man that sees the many ways that we can enhance each others lives. The day that I finally feel indifferent about xMM, which is probably a long time coming, is one that will finally tell me that I have battled through this storm and am a much stronger person because of it.

 

I am trying not to beat myself up for loving a man that wasn't mine to love. I knew what I was doing, but I think the situation, and his words and actions, got the best of me. I know that he said a lot of things to me during our time together, and now I question how true they really were. That's a hard reality to face. You trust someone and you don't really know if they deserved that trust.

 

We are all in different places on this journey, but reading what others have shared or are growing through help me to make it to the next day, or in some cases hour or minute, knowing that I am a good person and deserve the best.

 

Hang in there. We understand. I too am struggling here and there. One day I'm fine and even laughing at the fact that I gave someone so beneath me the time of day. Then other times (like last night) I woke up with thoughts of him and our ending situation racing through my mind. Needless to say, I wasn't able to fall back to sleep after that.

 

Keep telling yourself how strong YOU KNOW you are. That there is in fact a bright light at the end of the tunnel, even if now it only looks like a flicker. One day we all will move past our MM and wonder why we ever spent so much time mourning someone who never gave 100%. Who took more than they gave. Everyday I don't contact him I look at it was a win for me and a loss for him. I'm proving to myself more and more how strong I didn't know I was. I'm normally the one to break contact after a few days because I can't take it anymore. This time I'm not. And for once, it's an amazing feeling maintaining my dignity. After everything he's put me through, it's the least I deserve. It hurts but it's worth it. (((hugs)))

[BrookeM]

 

Men/Ladies here- we are all warriors. We are strong individuals who will overcome this. No matter what part of the world we're replying from, we all can relate in one way to another. I feel very lucky and relieved to be able to discuss this with non-biased individuals. At the end of the day, can we help who we fall in love with?

 

Yes we are! I'm so happy I found an outlet with like minded individuals. Keeping everything bottled up was torture. The support here has been wonderful. We will all get through this!

[hippetyhop]

Yes we are! I'm so happy I found an outlet with like minded individuals. Keeping everything bottled up was torture. The support here has been wonderful. We will all get through this!

 

I know exactly what you mean! None of my friends (even my bestie) knew about him! The only people who really knew what I was going through were two of my male friends so they can help me write my closure email. I didn't consult any of my friends because they don't know what it is like.

[fanine]

I am so glad I have found this place too. I think that is one other thing with an affair like this, is having to end up lying to cover up the fact they are MMs.

 

I was in a strange position that all his friends, even his family in Cuba knew about me, and they saw me as his partner. We would all hang out, I visited his family etc - but he would stay away from my friends and family and would rarely meet them. They all knew I had a boyfriend but never knew he was a MM except one...

[If-I-Only-Knew]

I don't want to tj or pry, I take it you are you a MM with an OW? If you feel the way you do, why not end it with the OW or your spouse? I'm not trying to be a bully-- not one bit. I just want to know your perspective.

 

You are correct. I'm currently a MM in an A with a MW. I'm trying to end it with the OW but it's so hard. Just when I think I'm doing okay and think I'm moving along, something happens and I'm back at square one.

[hippetyhop]

You are correct. I'm currently a MM in an A with a MW. I'm trying to end it with the OW but it's so hard. Just when I think I'm doing okay and think I'm moving along, something happens and I'm back at square one.

 

That is why I ended it with my xMM before he ended it with me. I'm not sure if you read my prior posts, but his W was told he was up to no good. He didn't elaborate from there. He was pretty distraught about it. We went low-contact and he would make remarks about how he has to "weigh long term v short term consequences." I took that as he'll end it with me soon so I'll make the decision for him. Duty trumps love.

Edited July 15, 2013 by hippetyhop

[fanine]

I think in many ways too my xMM was waiting for me to end it. He would always say to me I am here as long as you need me. I think by dumping him on Saturday I have done his work for him.

Once again he doesnt have to make a decision. It has been made for him and even though he is being a complete ****, he is probably relieved.

However I do know from the past, give it 2-3 weeks he will try to crawl back. I will get the I missed you etc etc and I will try my hardest just to ignore it, if it does indeed happen...

[hippetyhop]

I think in many ways too my xMM was waiting for me to end it. He would always say to me I am here as long as you need me. I think by dumping him on Saturday I have done his work for him.

Once again he doesnt have to make a decision. It has been made for him and even though he is being a complete ****, he is probably relieved.

However I do know from the past, give it 2-3 weeks he will try to crawl back. I will get the I missed you etc etc and I will try my hardest just to ignore it, if it does indeed happen...

 

that way they don't have to be the bad guy as they've done enough damage.

 

considering this is round 1 with him, from what he said about past relationships, when it's done, it's done. he isnt one to beg.

[fanine]

yep I reckon mine doesnt think he is the bad guy at all. I am the bad one for calling the whole thing off.

I just think somehow he will try to get back - unless he finds a new woman to step into my shoes...thank god though he is leaving the country for ten days on Thursday to a country where communication is very hard - so I will have a good break from him and any possible future contact until at least after then, when I know I will be a bit stronger

[BrookeM]

However I do know from the past, give it 2-3 weeks he will try to crawl back. I will get the I missed you etc etc and I will try my hardest just to ignore it, if it does indeed happen...

 

I heard someone compare married men returning to their lovers the way guilty criminals do a crime scene. They do the damage, leave, then reappear. Cake eaters always want what they can't have. After a few weeks when they feel they're no longer in control of your emotions, that's when they come back for more. F*** that.

[fanine]

I heard someone compare married men returning to their lovers the way guilty criminals do a crime scene. They do the damage, leave, then reappear. Cake eaters always want what they can't have. After a few weeks when they feel they're no longer in control of your emotions, that's when they come back for more. F*** that.

 

Yes the pattern is he is normally really cold and like yeah i don't give a **** that you are leaving. He acts like I am a pest from that moment forward and wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

Then usually after a bit it sinks into him that he is no longer in control at all - and he hates that. So he will do the little things he knows will grab my attention.

 

He was the kind who could go for hours not answering my calls or texts - but boy if he sent me a text or called me and I didnt reply within around 5 minutes he would keep contacting me until I did.

[If-I-Only-Knew]

Yes the pattern is he is normally really cold and like yeah i don't give a **** that you are leaving. He acts like I am a pest from that moment forward and wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

Then usually after a bit it sinks into him that he is no longer in control at all - and he hates that. So he will do the little things he knows will grab my attention.

 

He was the kind who could go for hours not answering my calls or texts - but boy if he sent me a text or called me and I didnt reply within around 5 minutes he would keep contacting me until I did.

 

With my current A, we are never cold to each other and of course we seem like a perfect match but I know it can't be true. I just wanted to reply though about how I do know how you feel with regards to her not replying to my emails for X amount of hours but if I don't reply to her email right away, she then thinks something is wrong. So it's not just the females who have to deal with this. Unless I'm turning into a girl.

[If-I-Only-Knew]

hippetyhop,

I did read your previous posts and I commend you for being strong and ending it. I know it was quite recent so good luck!

[hippetyhop]

yep I reckon mine doesnt think he is the bad guy at all. I am the bad one for calling the whole thing off.

I just think somehow he will try to get back - unless he finds a new woman to step into my shoes...thank god though he is leaving the country for ten days on Thursday to a country where communication is very hard - so I will have a good break from him and any possible future contact until at least after then, when I know I will be a bit stronger

 

That is why I ended it yesterday. His family vacation starts Saturday. I figured he’ll be preoccupied this week with vacation, next week he’ll be busy on vacation, then we’ll be two weeks out already and everything should start to blow over re. what routines we had, etc.

[Ssgrimes]

This is to reply to both of you. I think everyone while they are in an affair feel like that other person is perfect for them, that their future will be bright with them, that love with them conquers all and everything they tell you is truthful. You look into their eyes and feel their love and you get excited and happy about what will/may happen. Unfortunately affairs do not work that way all the time. I am currently in one and although I feel that she's the one, I know I am in a fog like the rest of you who are still currently in one. Is all this worth it? It's easy to say its not after the affair ends but not during which is what I'm dealing with now. You two are better off than me right now since your future will be brighter. Time does heal all wounds. Just think back about all your earlier loves that didn't pan out. Good luck to you two and just don't lose hope!

 

Good luck to you also... You will get to a place when you know you have had enough. Mine occurred when ere was a dday. He couldn't keep up both relationships, and he made his choice. Granted I don't think she knows the truth about our relationship.

 

I guess I told myself its not worth it any more. I feel emotionally beat up, but I am hopeful for my future

[Ssgrimes]

SS- Very, very nice thread started.

 

I think we can all relate to the emotions all at once.

 

In the email to him, I thanked him for helping me become a better person. I have some light anger problems (not like throwing things-but just like to yell if I get upset) and he helped me figure out ways NOT to be like that. If it wasn't for him, I would probably be back in my own ways.

 

Although the A started off just for physical purposes, the emotional connection between us will always be one of a kind. Yes, it was bad for him to have an EA as well, but he lost that with his spouse. In my email to him, I told him this is the time for him to rebuild that.

 

As Happy said in their post, "But, then again I tell myself, people don't hurt the person they say they love." I do love him. I love him very much. My dropping the bombshell on him might have hurt him--might not have either, but regardless if I did, I also had to take care of myself.

 

"She has a husband who cheated and she will never be able to trust again."- That is very true. It is HER decision to keep a life going with him when she knows something just isn't right. Perhaps its denial to keep the happy family persona around for the kids? Maybe she just doesn't care. I will never know.

 

Men/Ladies here- we are all warriors. We are strong individuals who will overcome this. No matter what part of the world we're replying from, we all can relate in one way to another. I feel very lucky and relieved to be able to discuss this with non-biased individuals. At the end of the day, can we help who we fall in love with?

 

I also feel like he made me a better person. Kind of funny to say that about someone who really didn't treat you well... He brought out qualities in me that I really liked. But that is what I can tell myself was a positive thing, I learned that I was capable of things that I wasn't before. The next, SINGLE, person will just have someone that has learned more about themselves and is a better person.

[fanine]

That is why I ended it yesterday. His family vacation starts Saturday. I figured he’ll be preoccupied this week with vacation, next week he’ll be busy on vacation, then we’ll be two weeks out already and everything should start to blow over re. what routines we had, etc.

 

Yes, i know full well once he is out of the country on Thursday he cannot call, I cannot call him! - there is also no chance of bumping into him. No reason to make something up as a reason to call him.......I am just trying to hold on so hard until Thursday, and then I feel I will be able to breathe. That will give me ten days until he is back in the neighbourhood.

 

That is my problem with his things though. Some are musical instruments. I might see if I can get them to a mutual friend - when he is gone - then when he comes back he can collect from there. These items are precious to him and I am sure he will use them as a reason to get back in contact some point when he thinks I will have calmed down.

[hippetyhop]

Yes, i know full well once he is out of the country on Thursday he cannot call, I cannot call him! - there is also no chance of bumping into him. No reason to make something up as a reason to call him.......I am just trying to hold on so hard until Thursday, and then I feel I will be able to breathe. That will give me ten days until he is back in the neighbourhood.

 

That is my problem with his things though. Some are musical instruments. I might see if I can get them to a mutual friend - when he is gone - then when he comes back he can collect from there. These items are precious to him and I am sure he will use them as a reason to get back in contact some point when he thinks I will have calmed down.

 

That sounds like a good plan of action.

 

Are you local to him? My XAP is about 45 minutes away, but he is a very close mutual friend to someone I know. I'm sure we'll either bump into each other again OR the friend will bring us up. It is a nice break for me at least knowing he'll be hours away.

[fanine]

That sounds like a good plan of action.

 

Are you local to him? My XAP is about 45 minutes away, but he is a very close mutual friend to someone I know. I'm sure we'll either bump into each other again OR the friend will bring us up. It is a nice break for me at least knowing he'll be hours away.

 

Mine lives about 5 minutes away by car....what also makes it hard is that we have had the same circle of friends for a while now. Well they were originally his friends and wives, and they have become mine. So I know I will have to break myself away from that as well - and concentrate on seeing my friends, that he never really got to know (they all knew i was his girlfriend rather than wife and did not seem bothered). But it was our big circle of friends that would meet most weekends. Heck i even had birthday party for 2 of them at my flat recently...

 

I know when in the past we have split up he has not informed them, I have had some of them contacting me during that time about innocent stuff! and I am sure he will not tell them for a while.

 

I have confided in the wife of one of his friends that I have got to know well what I have done. We are going to meet for a drink. She has known him a long time through her husband. I just need to talk to someone who knew him and me, I also know she knew another woman he was with around 3 years ago that he always slags off now, saying she used him...

 

I know she will not tell anyone what I say, I know she has had issues with her husband cheating (for cuban men it seems to be the norm). I am certainly not seeing her to get any information back to him, or to pry about him. I just need to be open in person to someone who knows him as well.

 

I also feel good telling someone as it makes me stronger to carry on with NC.

[will1988]

oh i read the title and thought this was a thread about bashing the national guard!