flannelpj Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 When I got married my mother gave me a silver tea set that my father and her had bought in Europe during their honeymoon. About two months after the wedding, my father wrote me a letter saying if I ever wanted to sell the tea set, he'd buy it. I could tell he really wanted it, so I called him up and told him he could have it, and that I wouldn't ask for money. He insisted on paying, but said he couldn't pay me until January. Then he told me he wanted it for his new girlfriend. (My parents have been divorced for almost thirty years.) I became hurt and angry and told him forget it, that I had very little from my parent's marriage and their history together and I didnt want it going to another woman that I don't even know. I told him if he needed money I'd give him back the money he had given my husband and me for a wedding present. He told me he was completely insulted and hung up on me. I called but he just let the phone ring. Was offering my dad his money back a really cruel thing? Was him wanting the tea set for a girlfriend insensitive? What do you guys think? What should I say to my dad the next time I talk to him? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 Was offering my dad his money back a really cruel thing? The offer to return gifts is usually taken as a sign that the relationship is over. If you were saying that you wanted to return the gift of money he gave you, for whatever reason, I am not surprised he took offense. It would be much different if you just offered the loan or even gift of a similar sum. Was him wanting the tea set for a girlfriend insensitive? Well, it was not the epitome of taste and sensitivity. It would be better for him to find new things for his new woman. However, keep in mind that you were willing to sell him the set, so clearly you did not have a strong attachment to it. Some objects in families are treated as "sacred"; they cannot be sold, nor given away except to family members. Other objects are just so many lumps of merchandise with no emotional value whatever. It seems that this tea set holds an intermediate place? Or is it just that you will do anything to keep the new gf from getting her grubby little hands on it. What do you guys think? I think that this is not about a teaset, it is about your lingering resentment of your parents' marriage breaking up, and rejection of your father's new girlfriend, sight unseen. What should I say to my dad the next time I talk to him? "I'm so sorry about our misunderstanding. I'd be happy to sell you the teaset, and I hope that someday I will have a chance to see you and Barbara using it." OR "I'm so sorry about our misunderstanding. I've realized that the teaset means a lot to me, and I have decided not to sell it to you. I hope that someday soon I will be able to get to know Barbara." Whatever you do, don't turn around and sell the teaset to a third party. Either it's sacred, in which case you keep it; or it's merchandise, in which case you sell it to your father. Selling it to a third party to keep it out of "Barbara's clutches" would be offensive. Finally...the divorce is nearly 30 years old...might it be time to let go of the water long since flowed under that bridge? Link to post Share on other sites
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