I feel so stupid

[fanine]

So I told him on saturday it was over. He is just pissed now, it had been quite a dramatic week, with me getting upset after we had had a great time together.

 

I am now so totally regretting sending that email to him - which I know is so stupid! His reaction to it was he was sick of all the drama and just wanted to get all this over with. Like it had meant nothing to him.

 

I do keep telling myself this has to end. But why do I keep thinking well maybe if I do this, do that, then we can go back to how it was. He will be friendly to me....Why does my brain keeping going over the pros and cons and see the pros (which are less than the cons) as the best thing??

 

Argh. This is so stupid. I crave for him to contact me in a friendly manner.

 

I do know if his reaction had been different - if he had replied yes, i do understand this is too much for you, I can see it is destroying you, I am sad but it is the best thing for everyone - then I know I will feel better.

 

But to feel now I have invested a year and half with someone - who said he was single when we first met anyway! - who doesn't give a toss hurts even more....

[hippetyhop]

So I told him on saturday it was over. He is just pissed now, it had been quite a dramatic week, with me getting upset after we had had a great time together.

 

I am now so totally regretting sending that email to him - which I know is so stupid! His reaction to it was he was sick of all the drama and just wanted to get all this over with. Like it had meant nothing to him.

 

I do keep telling myself this has to end. But why do I keep thinking well maybe if I do this, do that, then we can go back to how it was. He will be friendly to me....Why does my brain keeping going over the pros and cons and see the pros (which are less than the cons) as the best thing??

 

Argh. This is so stupid. I crave for him to contact me in a friendly manner.

 

I do know if his reaction had been different - if he had replied yes, i do understand this is too much for you, I can see it is destroying you, I am sad but it is the best thing for everyone - then I know I will feel better.

 

But to feel now I have invested a year and half with someone - who said he was single when we first met anyway! - who doesn't give a toss hurts even more....

 

You are preaching to the choir. I'm going through the same thing now. I sent my email to him yesterday.

 

Do I regret sending him the email ending it? No. I knew it was something that eventually had to be done for my sanity. Although he replied back in a mature matter, I now second guess how much he was waiting for it to be over and if I did the dirty work first since his wife is on high alert that something was going on.

 

Do I crave him to contact me? No- only because it would be the same circle of events. Why go through that again?

 

You will be fine. You will be strong.

[fanine]

Thank you hippetyhop. I will be strong.

I guess what I hate the most is my MM will not act in a mature manner. If I had a reply along those lines it would be easier to accept. If he replied and said something like, okay if that is how you feel, I am sad, but I do understand. I have seen how upset you have been' or something like that I would feel better.

 

But to be so cold. He did not even reply at all to me at first. Then the only word I have had was 'I've had enough of this drama, I want it over with.'

 

He has important stuff still at my house and I know at some point I need to work out how to get it out of here.

 

I know when we have had fights in the past, he gets like this. Completely horrible, really cold and acts like I am just a pain in the arse. (Yet even earlier this week he was paranoid when i was out with a female friend drinking and started texting me incessantly around 10.30 pm saying he wanted to stay at my house that night).

 

He has said before to me I deserve better, there are men out there who can give me what I want. That he feels bad sometimes for me the position I am in.

 

So why now be so horrible? He acts basically like well I can't love him if I will do this to him.

 

That is what I really hate. I know one day I will look back and not care. I know too this is emotional bullying. He wants me to come crawling back and beg forgiveness etc. Bascically he wants to control me. I can see that.

[If-I-Only-Knew]

First off, I don't know your story but speaking from a guy's point of view, he is pissed because he lost control. Maybe he loved you or maybe it was just the sex but whatever it is, he doesn't have anymore and of course he blames it on you since you're the one who 'ended' it.

 

As for his stuff at your house, hopefully it's not too much. If possible, pack it all into one box. Give him a time/date to pick it up outside your front door so you won't even need to see him.

 

I am currently seeing a MW and although this is my first post, I have read plenty of threads on this site which although it feels like it should help me end things, I haven't done so....yet. So I just want to say good job on your part!

[hippetyhop]

Thank you hippetyhop. I will be strong.

I guess what I hate the most is my MM will not act in a mature manner. If I had a reply along those lines it would be easier to accept. If he replied and said something like, okay if that is how you feel, I am sad, but I do understand. I have seen how upset you have been' or something like that I would feel better.

 

But to be so cold. He did not even reply at all to me at first. Then the only word I have had was 'I've had enough of this drama, I want it over with.'

 

He has important stuff still at my house and I know at some point I need to work out how to get it out of here.

 

I know when we have had fights in the past, he gets like this. Completely horrible, really cold and acts like I am just a pain in the arse. (Yet even earlier this week he was paranoid when i was out with a female friend drinking and started texting me incessantly around 10.30 pm saying he wanted to stay at my house that night).

 

He has said before to me I deserve better, there are men out there who can give me what I want. That he feels bad sometimes for me the position I am in.

 

So why now be so horrible? He acts basically like well I can't love him if I will do this to him.

 

That is what I really hate. I know one day I will look back and not care. I know too this is emotional bullying. He wants me to come crawling back and beg forgiveness etc. Bascically he wants to control me. I can see that.

 

Don't let him control you. He has subliminally already throughout the affair in ways that will strike you down the road. If he wants to act immaturely, it shows how selfish he is.

 

What was different between my XAP and myself was that there was no arguing. We always had pleasant conversations, etc. Just the day before we spent an hour chit chatting on the phone about everything and anything. I don't think he saw it coming, but he's likely genuinely relieved.

 

As for the stuff he has, either tell him there is a designated pick up time (leave it outside your house) to get it or it'll be in the trash (don't be there when he goes to get it) or, meet in a public place, give it to him and let that be end all of end all.

[fanine]

Yep If-only-I-knew - it is the lack of control I am certain. I know I have to face up to this. Any further contact there might be (which I am trying to avoid) I will have to accept he will be cold and I must not rise to it.

 

I will not play games and react in the same way. I am being straight, not cold. Just stating the facts. In my last text to him I did say "I want to sort this with as little drama or hurt for either of us. I have some wonderful memories. Thank you for what you have done for me. If you were single it would be different. You are a good, clever man and worth a lot."

 

There are actually many other things I would like to say, well rage at him for, but I will not stoop that low and I will not get myself worked up and exhausted. After all he is still with his wife! He says he is only there for the kids, but he could sort out the situation so he could be separated and still have his life with his kids - but he will not do that.

 

I guess though in the end it doesn't really matter as we do have no future....

[fanine]

Hippetyhop - you are lucky with that.

I have seem more and more with my MM that much of it is having control. He likes to control everything, I guess he knows at the moment he cannot control me and that is why he is pissed. Not sure it is because I have left - but just because he is not in control.

Well i have seen him cry in front of me, I have heard him declare his undying love. I have seen in the past what happens when he thinks I am going to go - the sheer panic...

He will realise one day what he threw away with not treating properly and with respect. His life will continue to be chaotic, I am sure he will cheat over and over again.

 

But I know one day I will have a happy REAL relationship with a man - and will be able to live happy ever after.

[hippetyhop]

Hippetyhop - you are lucky with that.

I have seem more and more with my MM that much of it is having control. He likes to control everything, I guess he knows at the moment he cannot control me and that is why he is pissed. Not sure it is because I have left - but just because he is not in control.

Well i have seen him cry in front of me, I have heard him declare his undying love. I have seen in the past what happens when he thinks I am going to go - the sheer panic...

He will realise one day what he threw away with not treating properly and with respect. His life will continue to be chaotic, I am sure he will cheat over and over again.

 

But I know one day I will have a happy REAL relationship with a man - and will be able to live happy ever after.

 

The one thing I do hope he realizes (which I'm sure he won't) is how I treated him over the course of the affair. This isn't just in terms of the not calling/texting when he was home, but just the little things I did that showed him I cared.

 

As for cheating over and over again, I'm sure there will be another OW, but he'll know his limits. He'll likely only do it for the physical aspect. I know I wasn't his first affair. He told me there was one prior to me, but it was just physical and he ended it because there wasn't an emotional connection. He's only been married 8 years and said this was 5 years into the marriage. He said his marriage turned into a college roommate situation after kids as the only focus for her was the kids. Like I said, I told him to rebuild his marriage. Will he? I hope so. Will she? I hope so. This time he had both and lost both. But only he will know what he will do next.

Edited July 15, 2013 by hippetyhop

[fanine]

I know mine had affairs in the past. He is Cuban and it seems in his circle it is totally normal that men have girlfriends on the side. I think that is why he cannot see why I cannot be happy with the situation. He was always telling me well my friends know you as my girlfriend, they don't ask about my wife. I know he never goes any place with her. He shouts at her down the phone, she is trying to bring up 2 small kids with him in the house, coming and going as he pleases. He does have a kid with another woman from around 3 years ago. She has left the country and does not want any contact from him.

 

Blimey reading that all, well what the heck do I want him for??? I could end up just like that wife if he left her for me (although in reality I would not put up with that kind of ****)

 

I am sure he will be out there soon trying to fill the gap I have made by going. All I have to tell myself about that is the woman will end up in the same situation as me. I wish I could warn any future girlfriends what they are letting themselves in for....

 

I feel the same - I do hope mine realises what I did do for him, the little things to show I care, how I helped him with so many things (far more than he did for me).

Or maybe I was just a doormat and he took complete advantage.

[hippetyhop]

I know mine had affairs in the past. He is Cuban and it seems in his circle it is totally normal that men have girlfriends on the side. I think that is why he cannot see why I cannot be happy with the situation. He was always telling me well my friends know you as my girlfriend, they don't ask about my wife. I know he never goes any place with her. He shouts at her down the phone, she is trying to bring up 2 small kids with him in the house, coming and going as he pleases. He does have a kid with another woman from around 3 years ago. She has left the country and does not want any contact from him.

 

Blimey reading that all, well what the heck do I want him for??? I could end up just like that wife if he left her for me (although in reality I would not put up with that kind of ****)

 

I am sure he will be out there soon trying to fill the gap I have made by going. All I have to tell myself about that is the woman will end up in the same situation as me. I wish I could warn any future girlfriends what they are letting themselves in for....

 

I feel the same - I do hope mine realises what I did do for him, the little things to show I care, how I helped him with so many things (far more than he did for me).

Or maybe I was just a doormat and he took complete advantage.

 

The only thing I think he to be careful of with his next A (whether P or E) is how much he can trust them so they don't tell his spouse. That was his biggest concern going into this with me. He knew I wouldn't tell his spouse about what was going on. I have ample evidence between emails and phone records, pictures, etc. As I told him I'm not out to maliciously hurt him. Perhaps that is another reason for his response being so nice-so he doesn't open a can of worms to make me angry enough to tell her. He should respect me for that reason too.

[fanine]

That is exactly what I cannot understand - by acting like this, a woman in my position is far more likely to spill the beans. He must know it is likely to make me angry - and he knows I have a temper if I feel I am being treated like ****.

 

I could go around to his house right now with his stuff, I could tell her so many things, I could tell her he took me to Cuba to see his family, that all his friends know me, so much. When he is acting like an arsehole, like this, I do sometimes seriously want to do this. After all he told me he was single when we met!!! But I do not think I could face her and say these things...

 

They have been married around 7-8 years, and he has always cheated from what I can see. I do get the impression however that around 2 months ago she threatened to leave, just by looking at her postings on facebook of quotes etc. Around that time he would suddenly disappear for 3-4 days and we have less contact and I knew there was a change in his behaviour. I think he was hoping I would disappear...

 

But then I would contact him saying what's up? Why have you disappeared etc and as soon as he thought I was going to go, he would get back in touch, and until I told him it was over we were back to lots of contact. though he has been far more cautious.

 

So I really could be a bitch - but I will not do that.