What hurts the dumper more...

[Ordinaryday]

Over the years I have been dumped quite a few times, and some of them were really bad. While I am 'over' them in the sense that I want nothing to do with them, I am not over them in the sense that I want to be their friend.

 

And every few weeks or so I check my email or mobile and I get a breadcrumb from a dumper. These women must really want to relieve their guilt, cos they were horrible to me!

 

Here's the thing: I have no desire to ease their conscience or be friends with them or nothing. Some hurt me so bad that for one I typed out a really nasty letter to her and was about to send it when I told a friend and he said that I shouldn't cos all it would show was that i cared enough about her to type out a response, and would also allow her to think 'what a jerk! I made the right choice by dumping him!'

 

My friend said that silence hurts them more than anything. So, honestly, if a nasty dumper reaches out with a breadcrumb what do you think hurts them more: a nasty rude response, or no response at all? Why?

[Philosoraptor]

The only thing that matters is how it makes you feel. Your desire to hurt them shows that you care, so cut communication with them. Change your email address or just block them. You can find friends who aren't "horrible" to you at any time. You're hurting yourself here by still allowing them ways to contact you.

 

In the end the dumper doesn't matter whatsoever, the only thing that matters is bringing happiness to yourself.

[lessica]

I am going to be honest.

 

In one relationship I was the dumper. When I ended it I didn't care. Didn't care what he said, didn't care how I treated him.

 

I would contact him out of pure boredom. If I got not reply after I would care for about five minutes. And if I got a reply I would get the conversation I wanted.

Basically I think that if you don't put someone on a pedestal and you don't love them then you just don't care.

 

I am not a mean person at all, I think that I am pretty considerate, and I treated him well when we were together. But during the break up and afterwards I just didn't care.

 

I was a lot younger then, and my other long term relationships I was the dumpee, and both times I was dumped I would think about the time I was the dumper, and it made it a lot easier for me to go "you know what, these people don't genuinely care, so there is no point in conversing with them at all"

[Ordinaryday]

I am going to be honest.

 

In one relationship I was the dumper. When I ended it I didn't care. Didn't care what he said, didn't care how I treated him.

 

I would contact him out of pure boredom. If I got not reply after I would care for about five minutes. And if I got a reply I would get the conversation I wanted.

Basically I think that if you don't put someone on a pedestal and you don't love them then you just don't care.

 

I am not a mean person at all, I think that I am pretty considerate, and I treated him well when we were together. But during the break up and afterwards I just didn't care.

 

I was a lot younger then, and my other long term relationships I was the dumpee, and both times I was dumped I would think about the time I was the dumper, and it made it a lot easier for me to go "you know what, these people don't genuinely care, so there is no point in conversing with them at all"

 

Indeed. I once wanted to know in general what dumpers thought about us and I googled it. I came across someone on a site, writing something like 'do you remember when you were with your ex and they used to tell you crazy stories about their old exes and how nutty they were and how much better off they are with you? Well your ex is now talking crap about you with her new guy, a same as she did with you about her previous exes. That's what you are to her now."

 

Harsh but true. At least to my recent exes credit she no longer hangs out in places that used to be mutual hangouts.

[thefooloftheyear]

They dont care either way...

 

TFY

[hippetyhop]

Over the years I have been dumped quite a few times, and some of them were really bad. While I am 'over' them in the sense that I want nothing to do with them, I am not over them in the sense that I want to be their friend.

 

And every few weeks or so I check my email or mobile and I get a breadcrumb from a dumper. These women must really want to relieve their guilt, cos they were horrible to me!

 

Here's the thing: I have no desire to ease their conscience or be friends with them or nothing. Some hurt me so bad that for one I typed out a really nasty letter to her and was about to send it when I told a friend and he said that I shouldn't cos all it would show was that i cared enough about her to type out a response, and would also allow her to think 'what a jerk! I made the right choice by dumping him!'

 

My friend said that silence hurts them more than anything. So, honestly, if a nasty dumper reaches out with a breadcrumb what do you think hurts them more: a nasty rude response, or no response at all? Why?

 

No response at all would hurt more.

 

If you respond, you are giving into them. You are giving them unnecessary attention and feeding their ego.

 

Just be the better person and ignore.

[Talulah]

Sounds like you dated some pretty mean/immature women. If they are not being good friends, then block them. In the future, pay attention to the character of the people that you date.

[tinker683]

Over the years I have been dumped quite a few times, and some of them were really bad. While I am 'over' them in the sense that I want nothing to do with them, I am not over them in the sense that I want to be their friend.

 

And every few weeks or so I check my email or mobile and I get a breadcrumb from a dumper. These women must really want to relieve their guilt, cos they were horrible to me!

 

Here's the thing: I have no desire to ease their conscience or be friends with them or nothing. Some hurt me so bad that for one I typed out a really nasty letter to her and was about to send it when I told a friend and he said that I shouldn't cos all it would show was that i cared enough about her to type out a response, and would also allow her to think 'what a jerk! I made the right choice by dumping him!'

 

My friend said that silence hurts them more than anything. So, honestly, if a nasty dumper reaches out with a breadcrumb what do you think hurts them more: a nasty rude response, or no response at all? Why?

 

I feel the same way. For me it's about realizing what you're worth and people like this do not deserve a place on your life. If they REALLY want to be in your life, then they can put in the work to make it happen as I don't think you, I, or anyone else should should chase after someone to be in our lives who treated us like crap

[youngnlove89]

I think what hurts them more is ignoring their effort to communicate. It's an ego thing. It's guilt. Doesn't mean that their anger is them missing you or wanting you back. It means they lost control. It means we showed them we are confident, secure and have our power back.

 

I ignored my ex once for a week after an argument. He wrote me a detailed email, he called me at 1 in the morning to just say hi and he missed me, he texted, he got angry, then sad, then remorseful. He HATED how I had control. That's all it was.

 

But every email, every text, every call, gave me more power and helped me get my control back. Until I gave in...

 

If you are going to ignore, don't give in. Keep at it.

[mammasita]

I don't think it matters either way in the grand scheme of things BUT saying nothing is waaaaay more effective than putting thought and effort into a response.

 

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is keep our damn mouths shut.

[youngnlove89]

Silence speaks more volumes...

[mahon451]

None of this matters. They dumped you. What that means is this:

 

- They don't care enough to continue being in a relationship with you.

- They don't care if you disappear from their life, at least for the moment.

- They've probably moved on (and so should you).

- Any attempt at contacting you is likely just an attempt as easing whatever guilt they have. It's not to make YOU feel better, and it's definitely not because they're having second thoughts.

 

So if your ex contacts you, and they're not saying, "Hey, I f'd up, let's try this again," ignore them. Take the power back.

 

I say this having been both dumper and dumpee. I much prefer being the latter- the guilt that goes along with dumping someone disappears much faster than the agony of heartbreak.

[aloneinaz]

I'm in the camp of ignoring them. I also think silence speaks volumes and helps the dumpee regain some confidence and self esteem. Why, because our silence to the dumper means we're strong enough to move on, to not chase them and beg and plead. The dumper may not care about the dumpee anymore but they still are getting their ego bruised just about by us not caring to try to contact them after their decision.

 

My ex and I broke up too many times. It became a toxic relationship. She broke up with me more and it was usually me chasing her and getting her back after a couple of weeks of NC. This last time, she ended it due to me telling her I was tiring of her moody, angry, temper and the way she'd snap or bark at me when she was stressed, overwhelmed or annoyed.

 

She hasn't heard from me in 6+ weeks since I walked out her door nor will she ever again. I have no doubt that she thought I be chasing after her after a few weeks like I've always done. Now, she's only heard silence and SHE has to deal with how she treated a guy that was nothing but great to her and her children.

You don't want me in your life anymore, you got it..

[xilver]

it all depends on the message they send. If I walk out on someone because they weren't treating me right then I won't respond to anything negative or emotional. I've walked out on them for a reason and to get a response from me they need to recognize what they put me through and keep things very simple. By ignoring someone who is coming at you the right way it makes you look weak. Like what is wrong with this guy he can't even answer me or be civil, did I hurt him that bad? If they were being annoying then tell them straight out. Look you are annoying me I don't want to talk to you leave me alone. Don't write out a nasty letter though because like you friend said that also looks weak. Be an adult. Tell them in as few words as possible what you want. Don't try to hurt them because they will see through that.

[youngnlove89]

What if your bf/gf lied to you, kept something from and went behind your back in regards to an ex they used to date??

 

What's the best course of action? Tell them you are done and block them or just flat out ignore them and initiate NC without a reason?

 

Let them know or make them wonder?

[xilver]

What if your bf/gf lied to you, kept something from and went behind your back in regards to an ex they used to date??

 

What's the best course of action? Tell them you are done and block them or just flat out ignore them and initiate NC without a reason?

 

Let them know or make them wonder?

 

With me they would definitely know. Personally I would want to see the look on their face as they realize I know what happened. No matter what they had to say I'd be done and they would know that from looking at me. Don't play games. No matter what they did to you. Let them know they messed up and then go about your life. Going NC with no reason is childish to me and makes you look too scared to face reality.

[Own Worst Enemy]

or heartfelt or beautiful your speech is; it doesn't matter if it is a sparkling torrent of invective or a masterpiece of oratorical fireworks...

 

silence says more.

 

look at it this way: if they are thinking about you, the silence drives them mad. and if they aren't, then nothing you can say will change that, so save your pride. silence silence silence.

 

however, it's a lot harder to do.

 

my ex finally got fed up of the games/friendship, and said sorrowfully that he is devastated he has hurt me, but we are locked in a cycle of hurt, nothing he can do, blah blah. his ridiculous suggestion was "let's give it a year, during which we both date other people, and then let's see where we are." (i think he means as friends, but has no idea how misleading that sounds, btw.) i spent a good few hours writing the perfect blast, and then... just deleted it without pressing SEND.

 

if only i'd done that 2 years ago, my life would be soooo much better!

[supaflyz]

Sadly this may be true. My ex use to talk bad about her exes all the time. Mind you one of the guy she stay with 2 years. Had an abortion and miscarriage with that one. She stay at his place for nearly 2 years when she was in high school. He cheated on her, but she was able to find a new bf (another ex) the very next day.... She was with him for 5 years. They broke up and it was about 3 months before she was with me. She told me I was her best boyfriend. However, I think she is probably telling her new boyfriend some crazy stuff about me to him. I was so blinded by her stories of her ex when I first knew her. She only told me one good thing about each of them, and the rest were bad (I'm not even lying). She has a few other short term ex before which I don't think didn't really count because those were in her mid teens. However, she spoke badly about them too.

 

What I learn from older men is that never to date a woman who just talk bad about all their exes. The (exes are the variable that change) but the one variable that didn't change (the control) is her. Makes me think what kind of person she is to be dating only a-zzholes in her past.

 

Indeed. I once wanted to know in general what dumpers thought about us and I googled it. I came across someone on a site, writing something like 'do you remember when you were with your ex and they used to tell you crazy stories about their old exes and how nutty they were and how much better off they are with you? Well your ex is now talking crap about you with her new guy, a same as she did with you about her previous exes. That's what you are to her now."

 

Harsh but true. At least to my recent exes credit she no longer hangs out in places that used to be mutual hangouts.

[aloneinaz]

Sadly this may be true. My ex use to talk bad about her exes all the time. Mind you one of the guy she stay with 2 years. Had an abortion and miscarriage with that one. She stay at his place for nearly 2 years when she was in high school. He cheated on her, but she was able to find a new bf (another ex) the very next day.... She was with him for 5 years. They broke up and it was about 3 months before she was with me. She told me I was her best boyfriend. However, I think she is probably telling her new boyfriend some crazy stuff about me to him. I was so blinded by her stories of her ex when I first knew her. She only told me one good thing about each of them, and the rest were bad (I'm not even lying). She has a few other short term ex before which I don't think didn't really count because those were in her mid teens. However, she spoke badly about them too.

 

What I learn from older men is that never to date a woman who just talk bad about all their exes. The (exes are the variable that change) but the one variable that didn't change (the control) is her. Makes me think what kind of person she is to be dating only a-zzholes in her past.

 

I think it speaks VOLUMES of the woman's character when the run down their previous lovers. It should be a MAJOR red flag as well.

[fancy feast]

I have no idea about "hurting" but nothing gets the "I don't want to talk to you" message across more than silence.

[forgetmenot75]

Why do you care? Blah! He must have been having fun, he doesn't care at all, just forget about him, he doesn't deserve your thoughts, ANY thoughts

[StayBeautiful]

As other people have said, use your experiences as the dumper to illustrate how you should act as the dumpee.

 

For example, the last time I was the dumper, once I was done I was DONE. I muttered something about us being friends, but I didn't really want to. The things that irritated me about him would still have bugged me. He went through about six months of emails, calls and flowers. I tried to be kind to him, but it just solidified my decision even more.

 

So, when I was dumped recently and he said we could be friends, and said that he really really meant it... well, he could well have done, but I decided I wasn't going to be that person. Potentially irritating him, hoping he'll change his mind, slowly having less and less contact.

 

I wished him well, and went dark as night on him.

[aloneinaz]

A lot of dumpers do it in a "knee jerk" manner. Yes, they may of not been happy for a while but a fight or argument turned into "were done" and they break up with you in the heat of the moment. My ex was famous for this. She'd go from "I love you" to were done in an hour if she got pissed off.

 

I stupidly went back after her when she ended it after a couple of weeks and got her back each time. She'd then admit that she was pissed and made a rash decision and WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN.. Uh huh..

 

Our last AND FINAL break up was the same way. I'd had enough. She's emotionally unstable and if I had any balls, I would have dumped her months ago. It's been 6 weeks and I know the SILENCE is killing her. I'm sure she had no doubt I'd run back after her but this time, no way. Even if she was "done" this time, her fragile ego has been damaged. I can just hear her family and friends asking her if I've contacted her and her having to admit, no, he hasn't.. But then again, she lied all the time too so who knows and who cares.

 

Silence and disappearing is the answer after being dumped to move on w/your life.