lky Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 This is kinda long... ok a bit of background first~ i have been dating my man for about 1/2 a year and he has been really really nice to me. Pampers me quite a bit. He and his last ex had dated for 4 years before they broke up because he had to go overseas to work and she's against long-distance relationships. (Lame excuse for breakup huh?) My boyfriend was the one who it, but it took him 2 years to get over it. Then we met and we started dating. After we started dating, I found out more about him and his ex. He gave up a lot for her - he switched from an Ivy to a state university just to be with her; she had been really nice to him also. All in all, they get along really well and they are compatible in a lot of aspects (I don't know her so I heard everything I know from him). After they broke up, they still keep in contact regularly. She moved on to another relationship soon after, but it took my man 2 years before he could embark on another relationship. This is where the problem comes in: His ex was a human sexology and psychology major and I figure she's great in bed. Me, on the other hand, is relatively inexperienced compared to him and his ex. He thinks I'm too shy in bed. Sometimes I wonder if he compares the two of us. He also told me how great sex bonds a couple together and keeps them emotionally connected. This makes me wonder how bonded he is with his ex (considering that they have had a lot of great sexual experiences) I'm not afraid of them getting back together, but I mind the fact that there is someone else who holds such an important position in his heart. He claims that he doesn't like her romantically anymore and that it is not possible for them to get back together. He sees her as family, and an ideal partner who has given him fond memories. I believe him, but I can't stand the thought of my boyfriend loving someone else more than he loves me. I know he's a really nice guy and he is true to me. But his past is bothering me. I want to walk out of that shadow to keep our relationship going. But it's really tough. When we make out, sometimes I would wonder if he sees images of his ex. (He told me it happened before, when we just started) I did ask him whether he likes me as much as he likes/used to like her, and what he told me was, "it takes time - I was with her for 4 years but we were only together for a few months" This makes the answer pretty obvious. They met up recently and she asked questions like "is she compatible with you in bed", "oh she is so not good for you if she's too shy". She also asked him to go shopping for lingerie and evening gowns with her. Well I guess my man is really too honest for his own good because this only makes me more unassured. I feel threatened by her, but my boyfriend thinks I'm oversensitive. To add on, she complains about her current boyfriend a lot to him and she would give gifts from her boyfriend to my boyfriend! She calls her own boyfriend a jerk. Personally, I don't have a good impression of her but my boyfriend thinks she's angelic and he sees her as the best female friend. To make things worse, I will not be back in America until a year later (because of work) but the both of them are. They go out a lot (she would rather miss having meals with her current boyfriend). I don't want to restrict my boyfriend in his choice of friends but I'm really bothered. How do I stop myself from being affected by my boyfriend's past experiences? I know he loves me genuinely and he's a really nice guy. We have thrashed things out before but each time it just ends up me being assured for a while, only to be more unassured soon after. Everything adds up and I think it's unhealthy for my relationship. I even have thoughts of breaking up. Help~! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 24, 2004 Share Posted October 24, 2004 What?! Your boyfriend told you when the two of you were together that he sometimes had images of his Ex girlfriend when he was with you? AND he talks to his Ex about IF the two of you are sexually compatible then he TELLS you about these conversations and doesn't see anything wrong with that? My first instinct if all the rest hadn't been there.. would have been to tell you that he is with you and not with her.. that you should relax and know that if she was all that, he would still be with her... and all of that may still apply BUT I don't think it's okay for him to be discussing his romantic relationship and/or problems in the relationship he shares with you... and I don't think it's okay for him to gush over how perfect she is blah blah especially knowing this makes you feel insecure. My two cents.. trust your instincts and do what you feel will be healthy for you... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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