OM and NC

[AussieLady]

So I am the MW and I am 6 weeks into NC following an emotional affair with a single OM.

 

I initiated the NC and he was angry but seemed to accept my decision. I have had intermittent messages over the last 6 weeks which I have ignored, and I have no intention of falling back into things with him. I am in marriage counselling with my husband and things are going really well.

 

I am trying to understand why he still messaging me when I have made it clear I will have no further contact with him? I can not change my number as it is business related, and even if I do change it, it will be easy to look up again.

 

I don't want to break NC to tell him to leave me alone and move on with his life, but how do I get him to respect my decision? I will not break the trust my husband and I are rebuilding. I have been respectful in initiating the NC and have accepted my responsibility in the A, so is a harder line required now? I am scared if I come across angry it is all going to boil over and the progress with my husband will be lost. If I just keep ignoring him will he go away or will this backfire too?

 

Just when I feel my emotions are under control for a day, he messages me. I can't do this anymore.

[So happy together]

So I am the MW and I am 6 weeks into NC following an emotional affair with a single OM.

 

I initiated the NC and he was angry but seemed to accept my decision. I have had intermittent messages over the last 6 weeks which I have ignored, and I have no intention of falling back into things with him. I am in marriage counselling with my husband and things are going really well.

 

I am trying to understand why he still messaging me when I have made it clear I will have no further contact with him? I can not change my number as it is business related, and even if I do change it, it will be easy to look up again.

 

I don't want to break NC to tell him to leave me alone and move on with his life, but how do I get him to respect my decision? I will not break the trust my husband and I are rebuilding. I have been respectful in initiating the NC and have accepted my responsibility in the A, so is a harder line required now? I am scared if I come across angry it is all going to boil over and the progress with my husband will be lost. If I just keep ignoring him will he go away or will this backfire too?

 

Just when I feel my emotions are under control for a day, he messages me. I can't do this anymore.

 

In my opinion the best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. If you make any sort of contact it will make him think of you again. It's like the child who will do anything for attention, even if it is bad attention. Don't talk to him. Don't do anything. He'll get bored and go away. Hang in there.

[Pierre]

So I am the MW and I am 6 weeks into NC following an emotional affair with a single OM.

 

I initiated the NC and he was angry but seemed to accept my decision. I have had intermittent messages over the last 6 weeks which I have ignored, and I have no intention of falling back into things with him. I am in marriage counselling with my husband and things are going really well.

 

I am trying to understand why he still messaging me when I have made it clear I will have no further contact with him? I can not change my number as it is business related, and even if I do change it, it will be easy to look up again.

 

I don't want to break NC to tell him to leave me alone and move on with his life, but how do I get him to respect my decision? I will not break the trust my husband and I are rebuilding. I have been respectful in initiating the NC and have accepted my responsibility in the A, so is a harder line required now? I am scared if I come across angry it is all going to boil over and the progress with my husband will be lost. If I just keep ignoring him will he go away or will this backfire too?

 

Just when I feel my emotions are under control for a day, he messages me. I can't do this anymore.

 

I have to agree with ignore, ignore, ignore. OM seems to be a stalker type and any kind of response will provoke him into doing more. Hopefully, OM is not a bunny boiler.

 

I don't understand why your OM is so disrespectful of your wishes. But, perhaps he is one of those people that falls hard and loses track of reality.

 

As a last resort you could have your H talk to OM.

[Goodbye]

Have you told your husband what you did? If you've confessed your affair honestly to your husband, then you can ignore the OM's attempts to contact you and work on your marriage. You can tell your husband that the OM continues to attempt contact, this way if OM acts out of frustration and "outs" you, your H won't be feeling like the fool in a fake reconcillation.

 

Your OM is probably hurt. Sounds like you used him for whatever reason and now are moving back on with your H. He probably feels jilted and misses you. Unlike you, he doesn't have someone to run back to as he is single.

 

If you've been honest with everyone and have nothing to hide, you should fear that the situation will backfire.

[MissBee]

Ignore.

 

OR...with your husband, tell him what's happening, show him, and let him watch you send a message to MM to stop, that way he doesn't have any reason to feel like you're secretly communicating with MM.

 

But ignoring is another way, he will eventually grow tired of the silence and stop on his own.

[Owl]

Next contact attempt...fwd it to your H, and ask HIM to address the OM about the continued contact...and do so in the content of the email so that OM can see what you've done.

 

Simple enough. It sends a clear message to OM, from both you and your H, that you're working on your marriage and that he's no longer welcome in your lives.

[Pierre]

Maybe OM wants closure, which in reality is just one more chance to plead his case.

[whichwayisup]

So I am the MW and I am 6 weeks into NC following an emotional affair with a single OM.

 

I initiated the NC and he was angry but seemed to accept my decision. I have had intermittent messages over the last 6 weeks which I have ignored, and I have no intention of falling back into things with him. I am in marriage counselling with my husband and things are going really well.

 

I am trying to understand why he still messaging me when I have made it clear I will have no further contact with him? I can not change my number as it is business related, and even if I do change it, it will be easy to look up again.

 

I don't want to break NC to tell him to leave me alone and move on with his life, but how do I get him to respect my decision? I will not break the trust my husband and I are rebuilding. I have been respectful in initiating the NC and have accepted my responsibility in the A, so is a harder line required now? I am scared if I come across angry it is all going to boil over and the progress with my husband will be lost. If I just keep ignoring him will he go away or will this backfire too?

 

Just when I feel my emotions are under control for a day, he messages me. I can't do this anymore.

 

Call your phone company and see if there's a way to block him.

 

Just keep on ignoring. That's the kindest thing you can do for him now. He knows the A is over and he is hurting which is why he's reaching out to you, but he knew going in that you were married and the A wasn't a forever thing. If you reply it'll give him some hope, so don't break the NC. It's there for a reason... He will let go when he sees that he has no choice BUT to let go.

[Goodbye]

Maybe OM wants closure, which in reality is just one more chance to plead his case.

 

 

I need to disagree with this. Closure does not always mean another attempt at pleading one's case. Not at all. She doesn't indicate how she went NC. Only what she is doing for herself. Maybe she used the dude and discarded him and he is pissed.

 

Every situation is a little different.

[Pierre]

I need to disagree with this. Closure does not always mean another attempt at pleading one's case. Not at all. She doesn't indicate how she went NC. Only what she is doing for herself. Maybe she used the dude and discarded him and he is pissed.

 

Every situation is a little different.

 

Those that desperately seek closure simply want to medicate the addiction to the relationship. And at a subconscious level closure is closely associated with hope.

 

OM should not be pissed. Both eyes were open when he walked in.

[AussieLady]

Have you told your husband what you did? If you've confessed your affair honestly to your husband, then you can ignore the OM's attempts to contact you and work on your marriage. You can tell your husband that the OM continues to attempt contact, this way if OM acts out of frustration and "outs" you, your H won't be feeling like the fool in a fake reconcillation.

 

Your OM is probably hurt. Sounds like you used him for whatever reason and now are moving back on with your H. He probably feels jilted and misses you. Unlike you, he doesn't have someone to run back to as he is single.

 

If you've been honest with everyone and have nothing to hide, you should fear that the situation will backfire.

 

Yes my husband is aware of the situation, however he does not grasp the seriousness of the feelings that were involved. He is not a feelings type of guy, so we are working on our communication in MC so I do not make the same mistake again.

 

OM probably is hurt, I don't doubt that, but he is prolonging the hurt. Jilted, maybe. Did I use him for validation, in hindsight yes. But he knew I was married with kids and I resisted continued contact many times. Funnily enough he did actually say the same words "at least you have some one to go home to".

 

I would prefer not to have my husband contact him and bring it all back up again, but if the contact continues I will do so. I feel like I am moving on with my life with my husband and bringing it to the forefront of our marriage again will take us backwards. I know this is probably self-preservation, but I will ask my husband to do so if needed.

 

 

Originally Posted by Pierre

Maybe OM wants closure, which in reality is just one more chance to plead his case.

 

I need to disagree with this. Closure does not always mean another attempt at pleading one's case. Not at all. She doesn't indicate how she went NC. Only what she is doing for herself. Maybe she used the dude and discarded him and he is pissed.

 

Every situation is a little different.

 

I wish it was closure he was after, but the content of the messages does not equate to closure. They fluctuate between sadness and desire.

 

I initiated NC via text message over 6 weeks ago, saying this can not continue and needed to stop. This was our second attempt at NC. I told him I was working on my marriage. I said I was going to stop any contact and could he delete my number. He was dramatic and then that was it for two weeks until the messaging has started again.

 

Unfortunately the phone company here in Australia can not block a specific number from texting. They will suspend all my texting facilities, which will affect my business, but I will do this if it continues.

 

Going to continue to ignore, ignore, ignore. Thanks for input. I just needed to know what may be going through his head so we could move in the right direction.

Edited July 15, 2013 by AussieLady
Typos

[Praying4Peace]

Those that desperately seek closure simply want to medicate the addiction to the relationship. And at a subconscious level closure is closely associated with hope.

 

OM should not be pissed. Both eyes were open when he walked in.

 

Not true. Closure could mean he didn't understand his role in her life and wants answers to put some questions to rest. Not everyone is desperate, but most everyone feels comfortable knowing their own reality.

 

Aussie- can you elaborate on the events leading to NC? Even if you didn't end it in the best way to avoid what's happening now, its too late to undo that. I think you said in an earlier post that your H doesn't know. If so, yeah that's kind of a complicated situation.

 

One the one hand, if you believe there is something you can say to make him understand that its the end and go away nicely then maybe go ahead and do it. Especially if your H doesn't know.

 

On the other hand, if you think there's nothing you can say you might just egg him on and endanger being found out...

 

Only you know his personality. One other thing- anger is a secondary emotion, and its underlying basis is 'hurt' or 'fear' (or both). Please be kind when speaking of him, he is most probably hurt. What you did could be constituted as using him, and yes he walked into it but probably with a different intent/hope than you did. Meaning you had no intent to leave your marriage, but perhaps he intended on being in a relationship with you and you gave him signals to feed that hope in your EA. So most probably he's a hurt place but you can't help him now, I understand.

 

You say you can't deal with the emotions you feel when he contacts you, I hope you are talking about fear that your H will find out! I hope its not any type of fond/loving/liking feelings.

 

If your H does know, this is easy. Just show him the messages and ask him the best way to handle it and let him dictate the terms. He might not want to write back himself, bc it might look like he's 'holding you hostage' or he might want to write back jointly...whatever. Might be better to just not reply at all. Since things are going well, it should be a joint decision.

[aliveagain]

Build the trust and please learn from this life changing experience, it has to be you and your husband above everything else. Keep copies of his contact attempts, if it continues expose all contact to your husband with the knowledge that you intend to go (with your husband) to the local Court and file a restraining order against this delusional person. Does he know where you live and work?

[Pierre]

Not true. Closure could mean he didn't understand his role in her life and wants answers to put some questions to rest. Not everyone is desperate, but most everyone feels comfortable knowing their own reality.

 

 

 

Lest see, she is married, kids, and told the guy is over. Wants 100% NC.

 

Is this that difficult to understand? When a woman says no, it usually means no. Ever heard that phrase before?

 

 

His role? He was the OM to a woman that was bored and needed external validation!! It was just an EA. I suspect the OM is highly unbalanced and the only closure he needs is silence. Any kind of reply is a mistake. If there is a need for communication it should be done by the H or the police, not OP.

 

Bunny boilier alert!!!!!!!!!!:eek::eek:

[2sure]

Most single people will not get very involved with someone who is unavailable.

He was probably at an unstable or vulnerable point when the affair began.

Sadly, meeting someone like this is the risk in an affair.

[2sure]

I always thought, from my experience, that ending an affair was easier for a single AP. You just move on. Life doesn't change because the affair was not something that took part in the rest of your life. For the married AP it was a major outlet for love, passion, or fun and fantasy in a sometimes otherwise unhappy life.

 

But I'm seeing that for some ...being the single AP when an affair ends must be really lonely. The married partner refocuses on those that love them.

 

So, I can understand this might be difficult for people like him. He may not have another option to get the attention he was getting from the affair.

[Pierre]

He may not have another option to get the attention he was getting from the affair.

 

Exactly!

 

LAck of options plays a huge part. Furthermore, married OW or OM court better and more receptive than their single counterparts.

[AussieLady]

Not true. Closure could mean he didn't understand his role in her life and wants answers to put some questions to rest. Not everyone is desperate, but most everyone feels comfortable knowing their own reality.

 

Aussie- can you elaborate on the events leading to NC? Even if you didn't end it in the best way to avoid what's happening now, its too late to undo that. I think you said in an earlier post that your H doesn't know. If so, yeah that's kind of a complicated situation.

 

One the one hand, if you believe there is something you can say to make him understand that its the end and go away nicely then maybe go ahead and do it. Especially if your H doesn't know.

 

On the other hand, if you think there's nothing you can say you might just egg him on and endanger being found out...

 

Only you know his personality. One other thing- anger is a secondary emotion, and its underlying basis is 'hurt' or 'fear' (or both). Please be kind when speaking of him, he is most probably hurt. What you did could be constituted as using him, and yes he walked into it but probably with a different intent/hope than you did. Meaning you had no intent to leave your marriage, but perhaps he intended on being in a relationship with you and you gave him signals to feed that hope in your EA. So most probably he's a hurt place but you can't help him now, I understand.

 

You say you can't deal with the emotions you feel when he contacts you, I hope you are talking about fear that your H will find out! I hope its not any type of fond/loving/liking feelings.

 

If your H does know, this is easy. Just show him the messages and ask him the best way to handle it and let him dictate the terms. He might not want to write back himself, bc it might look like he's 'holding you hostage' or he might want to write back jointly...whatever. Might be better to just not reply at all. Since things are going well, it should be a joint decision.

 

Thanks P4P.

Regarding the events leading up to NC - we had spoken the evening before and he knew how confused and conflicted I was feeling. I had been telling him that he deserved more than I could give and I needed to concentrate on my family. He has been hurt before, so I was being gentle but I was also conflicted. It was the next morning after reading other's stories on here and the fall out from affairs that I realised I couldn't continue with him anymore. I messaged him the next morning saying we could not continue, I would no longer contact him and asked him to delete my number. He was hurt, then angry and then after two weeks the I need you etc messages started.

 

I won't lie, I fluctuate between anger and excitement when he does message me, but I don't feel love anymore. The love is directed towards my H and kids.

 

Posted by Pierre: His role? He was the OM to a woman that was bored and needed external validation!! It was just an EA.

 

To an extent maybe, but bored? No. I don't know how I actually found the time to keep the EA going or why it stayed alive when my physical relationship with my H actually improved during the EA. This was probably a result of my guilt and trying to feel close to H? It was one word away from going to a PA.

 

Posted by 2sure: But I'm seeing that for some ...being the single AP when an affair ends must be really lonely. The married partner refocuses on those that love them.

 

Yes, but this doesn't mean the married AP doesn't feel lonely or hurt too.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2sure

He may not have another option to get the attention he was getting from the affair.

 

Posted by Pierre Exactly!

 

LAck of options plays a huge part. Furthermore, married OW or OM court better and more receptive than their single counterparts.

 

Not going to take that as an insult that he had no other option but to get involved with me.....

[Pierre]

Thanks P4P.

Regarding the events leading up to NC - we had spoken the evening before and he knew how confused and conflicted I was feeling. I had been telling him that he deserved more than I could give and I needed to concentrate on my family. He has been hurt before, so I was being gentle but I was also conflicted. It was the next morning after reading other's stories on here and the fall out from affairs that I realised I couldn't continue with him anymore. I messaged him the next morning saying we could not continue, I would no longer contact him and asked him to delete my number. He was hurt, then angry and then after two weeks the I need you etc messages started.

 

I won't lie, I fluctuate between anger and excitement when he does message me, but I don't feel love anymore. The love is directed towards my H and kids.

 

 

 

To an extent maybe, but bored? No. I don't know how I actually found the time to keep the EA going or why it stayed alive when my physical relationship with my H actually improved during the EA. This was probably a result of my guilt and trying to feel close to H? It was one word away from going to a PA.

 

 

 

Yes, but this doesn't mean the married AP doesn't feel lonely or hurt too.

 

 

 

Not going to take that as an insult that he had no other option but to get involved with me.....

 

His lack of options or that he thought you were amazing has nothing to do with you. It says absolutely nothing about you. These words are about the OM.

 

What I am trying to say is that not all single men think that a married woman is a good idea.

[2sure]

Oh my no, my comment regarding lack of options was not meant to insult you!

My thinking is this:

 

The married AP has some emotional bond with their spouse, it is a relationship that already exists.

 

The single OP my have no other intimate emotional relationship. And, if they are still in love with the married AP at the end of the affair...they are emotionally unavailable . Finding someone new for awhile just isn't going to be an option.

[findingnemo]

Ignore, ignore, ignore....and hope for the best. That's my advice.

 

As a fOW, I may be able to explain why he keeps messaging you. In As, the WS never has his/her head 100% in the R. He/she is constantly thinking about two principals - the AP and the BS and family. When a WS decides to end the A, they usually are able to focus on the family exclusively and even if they feel sad or lonely, they are empowered by the fact that they are doing the right thing. They also have a support system. D-day or not, let's admit that the BS is the biggest supporter of the WS. The BS works very hard daily to ensure the continuity of the M. For the WS, even if there may be friction, there is still a support system. He/she is loved and accepted by the BS and kids.

 

Now for the single AP, life can get pretty rough. First of all, most single APs do not go advertising that they are sleeping with a married person. Their usual support system of family and friends is clueless and if/when they find out, for the most part, disapproving. The few people one can discuss the pain of ending the A with dwindle with time because it can become an emotional overload. It is a problem without a solution except to accept the facts and move on. What else is there to say? So for the AP, he/she feels like the only person who may understand his/her pain is the WS.

 

Your xOM is drowning in scary emotions and feels he needs a lifeline. This could be closure in his mind or hope for renewed activity. He has no one to talk to about it. He would appear weak to his friends if he started discussing how you "abandoned" him. For us women, we are used to lending emotional support in matters of love. Even when our friends are in love with jerks, we still comfort them and understand the pain. Men, not so much so.

 

The only thing to do now is to ignore, ignore, ignore. If you feel like it is getting too straining, remember that this is part of the price you have to pay. Yes, this is one of the dreaded consequences. However, if he goes crazy involve your H and the Police. Do not engage him and give him hope. Do not engage him to give him "closure". Only he can give himself closure and will eventually do so.

[Baby123]

I think its very unfair to write of the OM as a bunny boiler. He probably feels very lost and out of his depth and thinks that the WS is the only person who he can talk to.

 

If I received a NC email or text i'd feel horrific, id wonder what I was to the WS and whether the A had any truth or real love in it.

 

In saying that, Aussie has made a choice, and should ignore, OM has no choice but to accept, which i'm sure he will in time.

[AussieLady]

No worries 2sure & Pierre, not really insulted, guess I'm just a bit sensitive at the moment.

 

Findingnemo - Thanks for the fOW input. Having not been an OW (or OM for that matter!), I wanted to understand why, even though there is nothing I can do to right my wrongs to him and there is no solution which is going to make him happy at this time. You are right, I have been able to speak to my H and our MC about it, whereas OM would have no or little support. Add in that our A started from a working relationship, and this further limits his ability to speak about it and get support.

 

Baby123 - He knew how confused and conflicted I was feeling, so whilst the NC message was painful, I don't think it was a huge shock. I really do believe deep down he knows what he meant to me, but with a previous divorce behind him I know he feels rejected again.

 

No messages today, but this has happened before with a few days in between a stream of them.

 

Thanks for the input.

[Pierre]

Baby123 - He knew how confused and conflicted I was feeling, so whilst the NC message was painful, I don't think it was a huge shock. I really do believe deep down he knows what he meant to me, but with a previous divorce behind him I know he feels rejected again.

 

 

These OM types can be very needy and can behave like drama queens. They are also masters of manipulation. Be sure to stay NC.

 

Most normal men would understand when a married woman says no. This is not rocket science.