At crossroads.. 3 months of no contact. Is it over?

[Rafaelos]

Hi all,

I've been spending some time on this forum for a while now and it's helping me coping a lot. I know this is a not the shortest story but I hope this gives enough insight on how things went and are. By the way I'm 21, she's 19.

 

So I was in a 2 year long distance relationship, where we've met a few times. Last time we met was end of last year, and I knew that her situation wasn't that well. She had a lot of stress and things dealing with and that had an impact on her and was going on since a few months. Our meetings were great, but this last meeting was strange. She said she had ups and downs with herself, and after a few days got homesick. She said she wanted to go back home, so she left a few days earlier then planned. The night before she left she cried to me saying she was worried I'd leave her and all. Also this same meeting, she had zero sexual interest into me, and she was 'never in the mood'. She felt bad about that and blamed herself. It wasn't about me. I guess she was suffering from some sort of depression for some time now, cause those can lower your libido I read.

 

So after she left, our relationship went on as usual. When she reached home she even said after a few days that she was feeling better and even sexually wanted me, which was a good sign in my eyes. But after a month and a half, we started seeing each other less, or well speaking wise. We use skype for our communication, and due some restrictions she would always have to go at a certain time of the day, so in the evening we couldn't talk or see each other. I was having a really bad time at school, and this relationship right now wasn't helping the both of us. I was still confused about our last meeting on what happened and how it would go in our next meeting, and we barely got to see each other every day so it became frustrating for me. She was going to an other country with her dad to stay there for some time, so she'd be nice by herself without worries from home, since her home place wasn't that ideal for her. (family stress, small place, etc).

 

So at one point I said I wanted to talk to her, and I told her that I was confused and frustrated with how things were going and that we barely saw each other. And that I didn't knew how it was going to be on our next meeting and all. Overall I was just confused with myself and worried. I told her that I wanted to break up, to give us both space, and mainly give her space so she could find herself back. Since she still was suffering with stress and all. Knowing that she would go with her dad to an other country, I didn't want to give her the stress from an unhealty relationship. She agreed. And she said "a relationship isn't gonna work right now". She even said that she would've brought this up if I didn't did it.

 

So that was it, I told her "well.. if we get back in touch, it isn't guaranteed that we end up back together I guess." We ended our call and said goodbye. And in the upcoming 2 months she blocked me on skype (her way of dealing with a break up I guess, not getting reminded everytime I sign on or yeah), and unfriended me on facebook (which she barely uses anyways). In those two months she once unblocked me and told me happy birthday and later on blocked me again. But after 2 months she unblocked me. I figured this would be a time to catch up, see how things were going for her. She didn't contact me at all so i figured I should go for it, which I did. We had a small talk, she said how things were going great, yada yada. I said my stuff and that was it. After a week I tried initiating contact again, small talk and that was it. We never talked about the relationship during these times. So after few days or so, she contacted me, and asked me if she could ask a direct question. I said yeah, go for it. She asked me what my intention was of initiating contact, and I said well just to see how she was doing! She said she just wanted to let me know she wanted to have things stay like how they are now, and that she was also seeing someone else.

 

That shocked me, but I stayed cool and I said well yeah, my only intention was to check up on you, isn't that normal after 2 months? She said she would rather stay platonic, and just wanted this to be clear and have her boundaries and limits. I said I understood, and asked her what her intention was of unblocking me. She said well not to be mean, and that we told each other that we wouldn't block each other, and if I wanted to talk to her I could, but things were clear for her.

 

I told her that she was a bit disrespectfull, treating her like 'one of her ex's' now and that she barely showed interest in how I was doing. She said since she got over me more, she figured it was okay to unblock me. And later on she said she was over me (not more, but completely I guess).

I asked her later on if the guy she was seeing was close or long distance, and he was long distance. So after a few days I wanted to just get some answers and contacted her and asked if I could call her. (we haven't called or spoke to each other since the break up, other then writing through text). She said she couldn't , and that she was on a call already. (I guess with her 'new guy'). I asked her if I could call her later but she said she wouldn't like it either if 'her guy talks with his ex about things'. I was shocked once again, and this comment really hurted. I told her that I just wanted to talk about things, get some clarity. She said well go ahead, things are clear for me. She also mentioned in this conversation that, since I brought this up she decided to get over it after a while. And she wondered if we would ever talk again. She said she I came back after 2 months, just like the last time. And by last time I mean an event like in our first half year when we mutually had a pauze because we had a lot of small argues. And after 2 months of that I seeked contact, we got back together and that led to our 2 year relationship with meet ups and all.

I told her well that 2 month thing is a coincedence, and after all: she unblocked me after this amount of time and that I wasn't planning things out like that.

 

I then said well I'll just say what I wanted to say then and started writing my message. She went offline in the meantime, but I finished it and sended it. It said things like I understood that when we broke up I saw it as a real break up as well, but that I also did it for her, to give her space. And that I didn't want her to have this stress from our relationship as well, given what was going on already. I told her I had no intention to rekindle, I was just checking how she was doing, and that she had a special place in my heart, I had a greatest summer of my time with her but under these circumstances I think it'd be best if we didn't see each other and wished her the best.

 

When she got back online I immediatly got a message from her, it was send when she was offline. In it she said that she said she guesses she is frustrated and such as me on how I handle things, that I just like before got back after 2 months of no contact, that she has no intention of rekindling things and that staying friends is fine. And that she really believes that I would want more then being friends. And something about her new guy, that she has him to check with this.. or something. I can't remember.

 

So that was the last time I spoke to her, or got online on skype. It's now 3 months of no contact, and although I was doing really well, right now I feel really bad. I feel like I made a huge mistake, and that we should've worked things out, rather then that I broke up with her. Even with the best intention. We never got to talk about our break up or relationship much, we never got to the chance of working things out. I saw that 3 weeks after my last message, he and her was on a same picture on facebook, meaning they had meet up. She seemed happy I guess. It was only one picture. Now that picture is gone from the dude's facebook account and he switched his profile pic back to a pic of himself. She never had that picture of them 2 on her facebook, and while her facebook is private, i can see her pictures she post. She updated just a few, just from herself, normal profile pictures. And I saw that she went to that country with her dad, I think on her way, maybe she met up with the guy. (her dad was already in the country and she took an airplane I guess, meeting the 'new guy' on the same day or something).

 

Now for my last thing, she had an ex which was pretty much a creep. When me and her were together he messaged me on facebook asking if she was my girlfriend. I didn't reply, told her about it and that was that. He messaged me again though, when we broke up, like 1 week after my final message on skype to her. He said he was trying to move on still, yada yada and wanted to talk to me. I ignored it, and also his request on skype. But then it hit me. Before we broke up, and before our 'last meeting', she was talking with some dude on skype, which she always said 'it was just an internet friend' , and a few weeks ago I found out that guy was her ex.

But it doesn't really make sense why she talked to her ex when she was with me, and why she isn't with her ex now, but a completely new and other guy. That ex of hers also send her a heart message on some profile thing we used to be on. But yeah, she lied to me about her ex. But it makes it strange that she isn't with her ex, but with some new guy. And I don't know if they are still together. I haven't signed on for 3 months now, 3 months of no contact.

 

I'm in my summer break now, and it feels really empty. I can barely enjoy a lot of things, and I'm by my self since my parents are on vacation. Last year, she was here and we had a great time. And this time it makes it really hard for me, without her here. I get constantly reminded of her, I wake up thinking of her and go to bed thinking of her..

Really, I made a mistake breaking up with her while we should've worked it out. But maybe she fell out of love with me and was happy with me breaking up, I don't know. I'm pretty much at crossroads now. I've been thinking of signing on Skype, (i saw she hasn't blocked me, when i signed on while she was off), telling her that I'm sorry for the way I broke up with her, and I made a wrong decision that time, it was in a moment thing and had a lot to do with stress, but that I really mainly broke up because I wanted to give her space, to find herself and get back from all the stress/depression.

 

Or signing on, not saying a thing, switching my profile pic to a recent one (where I look good by the way, if I can say so myself), and just stay offline for some time but this time let her initiate contact.

 

I don't know if she's still with the guy, my feeling says she is ,and I'm pretty sure of it and i really don't know what to do. Either cut all contact completely, remove her and tell her, or do nothing and hope she contacts me. And I certainly don't know if this is a 'rebound' or something, but I made a mistake by breaking up with her, I've worked on myself, I never begged or whatever to her, and things on school has gone really really well, perfect even. Life's really good for me, except I lack one thing, and that is her on my side, she's perfect to me in every way and I don't care about other girls. I'd end up comparing them with my ex anyways.

Pfew, I know this is a rather long post, but detailed one I hope and I hope that you guys can give me some insight on what to do, if this is really over, if I should ask her things or talk or just leave her alone at all and remove her from my contacts and block her. I don't know. I just need some help.

[AllTooWell]

Okay let's just take a look here

 

She has told you, flat out, multiple times she does not want to get back together. She is with someone else.

 

You need to let go.

 

You need to remove her from your life and START NC FOR YOURSELF. None of this "trying to win her back" BS.

 

Start NC because it's the only way to heal. Go and do some self-improvement.

 

This girl does not want to be with you right now, and that is that.

[Rafaelos]

Okay let's just take a look here

 

She has told you, flat out, multiple times she does not want to get back together. She is with someone else.

 

You need to let go.

 

You need to remove her from your life and START NC FOR YOURSELF. None of this "trying to win her back" BS.

 

Start NC because it's the only way to heal. Go and do some self-improvement.

 

This girl does not want to be with you right now, and that is that.

Yeah, I know she did. It's just weird for me that after 2 months already she starts seeing some other kid over the internet. I was doing well no contact for myself, but this period right now is hard for me. I feel like the best option, to get over her and move on is to delete her from everything. And she would notice that once I would do that. Blocking her on fb, deleting her from skype. But it really worries me that by doing so I will lose her completely forever.

 

I just wonder what would happen if I intiated contact one more time, as I never said I was sorry, or what I truly intended with the break up, and then optional telling her that I am deleting her from my list and that I can't be friends with someone I hold feelings for. Or option b: showing up again, without contacting her, and see what happens.

[kdn102]

Yeah, I know she did. It's just weird for me that after 2 months already she starts seeing some other kid over the internet.

 

I doubt this will make you feel any better, but I'll tell you anyway. I am now 43 and the ex is 32. We dated for 7 months starting in July of 2010 then she moved in with me in February 2011. September 2013 we got engaged and...I have to give you some minor back story.

 

She had several problems, among those that impacted me most were a lack of communication, responsibility and a general cleanliness problem (both hygiene and cleaning up after herself). I kicked her out of my house twice while we were together. The first was because she was living with me, rent free, not contributing a penny to the household, and still refused to clean the house. Her words were something like "you treat me more like the hired help than a GF." She loves to embellish. My only condition for her living there completely free (including going out to nice places and dropping $100-200 a weekend)...and she wouldn't do it. After the second time I kept telling her things needed to improve or she wouldn't be staying. She agreed with my "demands" fully each time we had a discussion (and that happened more than twice).

 

After the first breakup nothing ever got to the point of being acceptable. But, by the time I asked her to marry me things had done a 180 (I wouldn't have asked otherwise). Everything was perfect, for about 5 months, when slowly things started to return to the way they were (never as bad as the first breakup though). Then I started noticing some inconsistencies in stories. She had a habit of "white lying" almost everything I ever asked her. Soon I started to realize something serious was wrong.

 

So, out of the blue one day (4/20/2013) she shows signs of obvious distress and confronts me with "Am I improving?" I told her no, she slammed the engagement ring down on the table, the ring was already off before she asked me :-(, then stormed out of the house.

 

Well, guess how long it took her to start dating again? Less than a week. Then the next week she was "in a relationship" some this guy and has been ever since.

 

The crazy part? Just days before that happened she was posting all kinds of lovey dovey stuff about me (and us) on facebook...about how happy she was with me and that we were getting married...all sorts of happy thoughts. Then a week later we're through.

 

And I still have days where I want her back :-(

 

I'll give you one of the worst lies, this happened mid March this year. So, she tells me Tuesday night before bed that she has to pick up a prescription on Wednesday and would be home late. She gets home and I asked her what she picked up. It was birth control pills. She was supposed to start taking them the prior Sunday. So I asked her if the pharmacist told her anything about that. She claimed she talked to them and they said it wouldn't be a problem. Well, guess what happened! Yep, she got pregnant.

 

She was too irresponsible to take her birth control pills and then lied to me about the pharmacist. If you miss 3 days you need to use backup. I know she didn't talk to the pharmacist. And unless she went out of her way to tell them she was taking it three days late they would have had no idea so they wouldn't have said anything. And if she did talk to the pharmacist? Then did she lie to me or just "forget" that we could easily get pregnant? Either way it was one of many crazy lies she told to cover her irresponsibility. Or, worse yet, she's a pathological liar.

 

I've told many people about all of the lies and pretty much everyone agrees she has a lying problem. Too add insult to injury, she told me on the way out the door that she doesn't lie. Nice!

 

So, my advice to you is to move on. :-( I know it's easier said than done because I am still struggling. I cry almost every day, though luckily the actual time being depressed/crying is slowly dwindling.

[Rafaelos]

I'm sorry to hear that. It really sucks that she lied so much to you, and to top it off she got pregnant.. I don't cry.. sometimes I get frustrated/angry though. Lieing hasn't been the problem, just this issue with her ex, but concidering the fact she isn't with this ex but a new guy well.. whatever. I hope that you'll stop thinking about her and get sad about it pretty soon, that really sucks.

 

I know I tried moving on, I was doing well untill now. I guess mainly because I get reminded of last summer with her now, when things were really great. I just wonder like, should I pop up on skype again (i see that as breaking no contact in a way), and not say anything or so.. I mean basicly having her on skype while I never log on anymore to stay in no contact, and not blocking her on facebook keep me from moving on completely.

 

I feel like this urge that I wanna tell her something like;

"I made a mistake with how I broke things off and I am sorry for it, but you should know that I did it for you mainly to give you space to work on yourself (depression thing, stress etc), and to give us some space since we barely saw each other. But you choose something different now, and I'm not coming back now asking for a second chance since you are with someone else. I do wish we would've worked it out better, but yeah. I also found out through a friend you met the guy already after 2 months. If you can move on completely so quick then I wonder what happened and what you were thinking last time you were here and left 2 days earlier. I also found out that guy you were talking to, the 'just an internet friend' was actually that ex of yours the whole time. And he's been asking me to talk several times, but I ignored it. Also I'm removing you from my list, for myself. And I can't be friends with someone I care for."

[AllTooWell]

Yeah, I know she did. It's just weird for me that after 2 months already she starts seeing some other kid over the internet. I was doing well no contact for myself, but this period right now is hard for me. I feel like the best option, to get over her and move on is to delete her from everything. And she would notice that once I would do that. Blocking her on fb, deleting her from skype. But it really worries me that by doing so I will lose her completely forever.

 

I just wonder what would happen if I intiated contact one more time, as I never said I was sorry, or what I truly intended with the break up, and then optional telling her that I am deleting her from my list and that I can't be friends with someone I hold feelings for. Or option b: showing up again, without contacting her, and see what happens.

 

 

I understand that it's hard. I know, trust me, and I know you're hurting. But the thing is that if you guys are meant to be, you won't lose her forever. People worry that by going NC their ex will forget about them.

 

NC is for YOU TO HEAL, not for you to get back with your ex. HOWEVER, No contact ALSO ALLOWS this person to miss you. When you are the dumpee, you miss the person immediately and all you can remember are the good times. As the dumper, you can ONLY SEE THE BAD. You only see the fights, the things that annoyed you, etc. And if the dumpee keeps contacting the dumper, it doesn't give the dumper time to forget about the bad and remember the good, you just continue to annoy them and remind them why they DON'T want to be with you.

 

 

You wanna know what would happen if you did 'one last time'? EXACTLY WHAT HAS HAPPENED EVERY OTHER DAMN TIME! She would tell you she DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!

 

Don't show up. Do you HEAR YOURSELF. She has made it CRYSTAL ****ING CLEAR she doesn't want to be with you. Showing up at her place is borderline harassment. You are not being romantic. You are not gonna suddenly CONVINCE HER you're the one for her.

 

 

All you are doing by continuing to contact her and thinking about this stuff is GIVING HER MORE POWER. Go NC, take BACK the power and STOP SHOWING HER YOU HAVE NO SELF-RESPECT.

 

You need to leave her alone, now. All you are doing is reminding her she's better off without you. You need to start REAL NC. Not to get her back, but to HEAL YOURSELF and move on. You need to delete her from your life and go dark on her SO YOU CAN HEAL.

 

 

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh but you do not seem to be listening to what she is saying, you are projecting your feelings for her onto her.

 

 

In response to what you just posted above, think about this:

 

Why are you sending that to her? You are trying to get a response from her. You are trying to hurt her. You are trying to sabotage her new relationship. All you are doing is showing her you're still hung up on her and handing all the power you've gotten back in these 2 months right back to her!!!!!

 

She isn't going to reply "You're totally right, I ****ed up and want you back." Save yourself the pain and don't write to her.

 

 

If you want to move on, if you want closure, you get it from YOURSELF. You don't get closure from her actions. She has GIVEN YOU the "close" and the "end". She's with someone else.

You get it from yourself. You pick yourself up and you start working to move on. You don't need to tell her you don't want a second chance. You need to SHOW HER by continuing NC!

 

And for pete's sake block her and delete her from every social network.

 

 

 

Edit: I also see that you were the dumper. But because you have been contacting her, etc, what I said above still applies. You are not giving her the chance to remember the good of your relationship.

Edited July 16, 2013 by AllTooWell

[Rafaelos]

If I did message her, I wouldn't expect a positive answer anyways. So yeah, I won't message that to her and I shouldn't just lay out how I feel. I guess that was just my emotions taking over.

 

Thing is I don't want to be show up on Skype now (as to repeat I haven't been on for 3 months) when she is online. I can't be friends with someone I care for either. So it's either staying in no contact without signing on Skype, or remove her.

 

I'm leaning to removing her from Skype, as stating a message to her. And either doing this without showing up online at all, or sign online, let her come online and who knows she'll send a message or not, and then remove her without saying anything. So that I at least give her one last opportunity to say something.

 

I still have the thought of telling her why I broke up with her, that I know she lied to me about talking with her ex and that I have my questions about last meeting in relation with moving on so quickly and getting over me. (and seeing a new guy) and the lie about her ex. (note that ex she was talking with isn't the guy she is with now.)

 

So yeah, what's the best option, should I just remove her from my contacts without showing up online one last time (haven't been online for 3 months full no contact) or do it with showing up one last time without saying anything.

 

I just worry that she'll see it as a sign to move on completely over me, and that will let her 'new' relationship work better. Yes I am the dumper but I did it, mainly for her. But I didn't deserve all of this for what I did with her and for her these 2 years.

 

I'm glad I never begged or pleaded or whatsoever, but I never said I still loved her, or wanted to work things out or so either, is that bad?

[kdn102]

I'm sorry to hear that. It really sucks that she lied so much to you, and to top it off she got pregnant.. I don't cry.. sometimes I get frustrated/angry though. Lieing hasn't been the problem, just this issue with her ex, but concidering the fact she isn't with this ex but a new guy well.. whatever.

 

I think I muddied the point of my post with the bit about the lying. I was trying to make you feel better by mentioning my ex was dating less than a week after leaving our 3 year relationship. That makes your 2 months for 2 years seem almost reasonable.

 

I hope that you'll stop thinking about her and get sad about it pretty soon, that really sucks.

 

I have been sad all but the first two weeks. My logical side has plenty of reasons not to want to be with her, but my emotional side is still trying to make me want her back because of the loss I feel.

 

Anyway, yeah...don't contact her at all. If you do you will be inviting her wrath and making her feel as if what she is doing is right.

 

So it's either staying in no contact without signing on Skype, or remove her.

 

Isn't there a way to just hide the ex on Skype so you won't see them? Or make yourself hidden from just one person?

 

If you can't do that then I say you just remove her. You shouldn't modify your life for her, especially now that you're over.

 

Good luck!

[Rafaelos]

Thanks for your message. I just wanna be done with the what if's and waiting. I wonder what will happen if I show up online now for some time and see if she contacts, to at least give her a chance. And if she doesn't I either tell her im removing her or I don't tell her.

 

And just thinking of telling her I'm done with this all that I am removing her, I don't know how she thought why i broke up but I did it mainly for her since the relationship wasn't working out due seeing each other less and I didnt want to give her more stress. Figured time apart would do her some good and that i did it more of a in the moment thing and that I regret we didnt talk that through. That I had a great time with her these 2 years and it meant a lot to me. That I also found out that she wasn't talking to just a friend but her ex at the time and that I don't understand she lied about that. That this is what she choosed, i never broke up due feelings and im moving on and removing her.

At least that's completely me being honest and then shut it for good.

 

Or stay in no contact and offline till August or so.

Ugh I don't know.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Rafaelos