meant to be

[smile]

I have this weird situation with my ex. We were together for three years but we both had so much emotional baggage we just tore eachother down. It was sad. But we loved eachother truly and were best friends. Its just I was jealous and so afraid of losing him that I acted out emotionally and then felt guilty..shame spiral. He wanted me to be more laid back and he was afraid of our relationship turning into what he saw at home as a kid (bad bad bad).

 

I was so worried about him. He sort of fell apart , had a breakdown of sorts. But I had to take care of me ..

 

Now about two months later we are talking. Its so honest and great. Things he was afraid to tell me before, about his past, he is just spilling out. It is so refreshing. And I am accepting and non judgemental. I don't feel afraid or jealous about these exgfs or anything. He is still in transition and I see that. I dont want what we had but I see so much possibilty.

 

He even said that we are both becomming better people.. having dealt with so much. We needed space to take care of us. We know what went wrong. But I worry that he thinks if it didnt work once it wont again.

 

He says he cant understand why he cant stop thinking about me. Nobody turns him on like I do and nobody engages him mentally and emotionally like I do.

 

I dont want him NOW. He is still in transition and I dont think either of us are ready. Am I crazy to think that after a little space and soul searching it can be better than ever?

 

Already our relationship is better than it ever was. We do slip occasionally and have very hot and heavy discussions on the computer and sometimes on the phone. He seems to want me around more. I feel like it is meant to be between us. So , how crazy am I?

[UnicornGirl]

My ex and I are exes because of a similar situation ... I have trust and jealousy issues and it turns out the breakup was the only way for me to truly face them. I'd say don't go back to your guy until you're both giving 100%. It seems you're giving, say, 70-80% now ... just keep spending time together and let things progress for now, I'd say. You don't have to put pressure on yourself to make a decision! -- the foundations of your new relationship are forming in this in-between time and you want to make them strong.

[whichwayisup]

To Smile and Unicorn.

 

My suggestion is if you really want that person in your life, then work on yourselves, get to couples therapy and work on the relationships. These therapists will help you with coping skills on how to handle emotions, jealously, insecurities etc.

 

Don't give up if you feel 'this is the one' because if you miss the boat you will regret it for the rest of your life.

[UnicornGirl]

whichwayisup, yes, I agree. are you speaking from prior experience? I have counseling sessions every week and already I have made so many positive changes. My college gives free counseling. Prior to now I would have liked to have someone to talk to but it was financially impossible. I'm all for counseling, because being in a relationship is something that takes serious work after you have been together for some time in order to stay together. My ex and I had a 3.5 year relationship and were planning to marry. I'm learning not to project my issues onto my ex or anyone else, for that matter, and am sorting out some issues that have been around since childhood. Luckily I got paired with a counselor who really works for me and I'm making positive changes in my life now.

[smile]

thank you so much for your advice and words of support. I know people around me who have seen me cry just want me to move on and be happy. I appreciate a less biased opinion.

 

As far as counseling goes, I have been seeing someone. I have learned not to project my fears onto him and I too am dealing with issues from childhood. I used to carry them inside and use them as a way to keep everyone at a distance. When I met this guy I kinda went "here now you can hold this" but that wasnt fair. He became responsible for those things I was afraid of because he couldn't magically make them disappear. I thought that meant he didnt love me enough. Now I see how sad and messed up that was.

 

We put eachother in many no win situations that it is amazing we don't hate eachother.

 

I just keep hearing him say things that worry me. I mean he seems to think,it didnt work it wont work ever. But I think thats what others have told him because he doesnt seem entirely convinced. I think his head and heart are fighting now and thats up to him to decide who to listen to.

 

I think him being able to realize how much better we both are now is good. Plus he is starting to see how much he cares about me. He thought he could just walk away and move on , but it isnt that simple and I think he is having a hard time understanding that.

 

That is love right? When you just know , somewhere deep down, that a relationship is worth salvaging? He says that he loves me and he is sorry for hurting me. The more we are together the closer we become.

 

I am worried that my keeping a bit of distance will make him think I am uninterested in working on it. No matter what I say. It's just I dont think us rushing into anything is wise now. We need to rebuild trust and understand eachother better.

 

I think he feels that too. I just don't know how much of this we totally understand and I am afraid of what would spook him. Right now I am following his lead and being honest and accepting his honesty. No judging , no jealousy.. and he seems amazed by that . In the mean time I am enjoying my life. Doing things with friends I havent seen much of in the three years I was with him. I am learning they are important and must stay that way into a new relationship.

 

I really appreciate your words of encouragement. Like I said I understand where so many of my friends come from, not wanting me to be hurt again. But I think this is right and good and worth working on it no matter what anyone says.

[UnicornGirl]

smile, our situations are quite similar. I'm with you on salvaging the relationship -- you and your ex must really love each other to still be communicating after the pain you've been through. My ex is not showing any overt signs that he wants to be with me but then again neither am I -- he's keeping the distance a lot and I interpret that as an opportunity for me to give him space. If the ex is asking for space, the loving thing is to give it to him, but still make your presence known.

 

If he's saying things that worry you, you shouldn't worry. See his "if it won't work, it won't work ever" mentality as just a projection of his underlying fears. 90% of what you feel in these situations, I believe, is based on deep-seated issues from the past --- for instance, my constant worry that my ex wants to be with a new woman is 10% about the current situation and 90% about my feeling "not good enough" throughout my life in various situations. When you're in love, and dating, you're always afraid you'll lose this special person forever, and that's what drives us to jealous, possessive behavior -- similarly, his fear that "if it won't work, it won't work ever" is probably based on other fears about the relationship in the past -- fears that you'd leave him, that someone else would invade your relationship, etc. Don't take the little things as decisive, huge ultimatums -- see them as part of the process of you getting back together in a better, stronger relationship.

 

My parents, friends, etc. have told me to move on, but I know it's just because they care about me and don't want me to get hurt when my ex's behavior disappoints me. It's a sign that they care about you. I'd advise you to talk with your friends about positive things happening in your relationship, and only talk to your counselor about the really rough stuff. Your friends are there to help you be happy and have fun, the counselor's there to objectively help you sort out your thoughts and get to a place where you can deal with your emotions and become emotionally healthy.

 

Counseling helps, as does writing down your feelings -- take a few minutes every few days to write down something. I write on my computer when I feel overwhelmed by emotion, and afterward, I always feel so cleansed and healthy. My writings were first about how sad I was, then gradually progressed into memories from my ex's and I's past and then into recounts of things we've done together since the breakup ... it's really helped me learn exactly how much I love this guy and how beautiful our relationship was before we had such a rough time. I'd also recommend browsing the self-help aisle at a big bookstore -- there are a lot of helpful people out there, and this is a great opportunity to re-assess your psychology and how you deal with problems and approach life.

 

I agree about the friends thing too -- I'm developing a closer bond with my new girlfriends at school, and I'm seeing that having other people that I'm really emotionally close to will SUPPORT my relationship when my ex and I get back together. Being friends with other people outside of the relationship makes you appreciate the relationship more I think, and makes you feel really lucky to have someone special who you feel such strong love for.

 

Good luck, and let me know how it goes! It helps to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing and who believe in restoring a broken bond. If you "move on," you don't resolve your own issues, and you miss out on an improved relationship with this amazing human being that you connected with and formed a life with. Drop resentment, jealousy, insecurity, and strengthen your ability to love this person, and I believe something new and better and long-lasting (since it survived a break) can develop!