Vulcan T'Para Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I have continued to associate with the gentleman about whom I wrote here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/393163-oops-shortened-date-guy-i-m-interested-go-home-watch-tv Recently, during a night at the theatre, he put his arm around my shoulders. As this had never happened to me before, I didn't know what to do so I sat there as still as a statue and pretended not to notice. The drive home was awkward with a capital “A”; to avoid discussing what had transpired, I instead waxed rhapsodic about why, in my opinion, National League baseball is better than American League baseball and other such trivialities. Heretofore I thought that we had mutually friendzoned one another as there had been no physical contact whatsoever between us. Moreover, we only see each other every two or three weeks with no communication in the interim except for an email or two to arrange the next excursion. Perhaps, unbeknownst to me, we have been dating all along. He's good people and I would like to continue to hang out with (date?) him but I most certainly don't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. What, if anything, should I say to him about the other night? Should I just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened?At this point, do I need to tell him that I might be asexual?What is a woman supposed to do when a guy puts his arm around her? Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I would try to explain whatever issues you have with physical contact in as non-weird a way as possible. If it's something that you need time to get used to, say that, and he might understand. Try to convey that it wasn't him specifically, but that you just have certain issues with touching, that you aren't used to it, that maybe you would be more comfortable with physical affection in private, etc. People make things so complicated. You are who you are, might as well be honest about it in the best way possible IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrTurk Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) At this point' date=' do I need to tell him that I might be asexual?[/quote'] "May be asexual"??? That is a huge issue that you definitely need to tell him. Actually....you should know the answer to that before you date someone. Are you asexual in general...or just towards him?? You cant be fighting with stuff like that in your head....all the while not letting him know whats going on. If he likes you....and is investing time in you, and assumes physical contact is in the future(which is totally normal during dating) then you need to get your mind straight and tell him how you feel. Edited July 16, 2013 by MrTurk 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vulcan T'Para Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 "May be asexual"??? That is a huge issue that you definitely need to tell him. Actually....you should know the answer to that before you date someone. Are you asexual in general...or just towards him?? This is actually something that I've been exploring elsewhere on LS. I may be a "gray-area asexual" in that I have a sexual orientation (straight) but rarely experience sexual attraction or the urge to act on it when I do. Anyway, I only included that bit of information here because perhaps he thought we were dating while I never thought so...that's why I haven't discussed it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 A) She's supposed to respond by snuggling into him or in some way returning the affection. B) It would be a good idea to discuss you uncomfortableness with intimacy at this point, as a reasonable person probably would have taken your awkwardness as rejection. C) American League baseball is way better. Who want's to see the pitcher strike out all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Dude420 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I don't know if this will be any help to you, but I too am dating an introverted girl (I'm introverted as well), who also likes to spend time at home reading books. We're dating because we came to realization that we both really liked each other. On our second date, we went for supper, then the movies. After that, when we were walking back to the subway station, I put my arm around her and she also kind of froze when I did it, and she was unsure on how to react. However, she didn't give a negative reaction so things were going ok. Third date came around, right when I met her I put my arm around her again and she came in closer to me, then after supper we both held hands. I think what I'm just trying to show you is that you're probably going through a new experience and just don't know how to react to it, it's normal. Just because you didn't respond with affection, doesn't mean your shoving off this gentleman you speak of. He's just trying to make you comfortable with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krz12 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I read your other thread. Out of curiosity what to you seek from a relationship? I have some of the same traits as you myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vulcan T'Para Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 C) American League baseball is way better. Who want's to see the pitcher strike out all the time. NL has better managerial strategy. But thank you for answering my question. I will consider snuggling/leaning in to him in the future. I was a bit reluctant to touch him because my hands are always either 1) ice cold or 2) sweaty and that would have been even more weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vulcan T'Para Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I don't know if this will be any help to you, but I too am dating an introverted girl (I'm introverted as well), who also likes to spend time at home reading books. We're dating because we came to realization that we both really liked each other. On our second date, we went for supper, then the movies. After that, when we were walking back to the subway station, I put my arm around her and she also kind of froze when I did it, and she was unsure on how to react. However, she didn't give a negative reaction so things were going ok. Third date came around, right when I met her I put my arm around her again and she came in closer to me, then after supper we both held hands. I think what I'm just trying to show you is that you're probably going through a new experience and just don't know how to react to it, it's normal. Just because you didn't respond with affection, doesn't mean your shoving off this gentleman you speak of. He's just trying to make you comfortable with him. Thank you for the thoughtful answer. Like the girl that you mention, I too was unsure how to respond. I did later email him to let him know that I had fun that night, so hopefully he doesn't think that I'm rejecting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vulcan T'Para Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I read your other thread. Out of curiosity what to you seek from a relationship? I have some of the same traits as you myself. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I want in a relationship. I do, however, know exactly what I don't want. Also, I know that I need to work on my social skills and stop being such a loner. That's one of the reasons why I'm attempting to develop and sustain an interpersonal relationship with the gentleman in question. I must add that he is not a "self-help project" or an "experiment" for me; I truly enjoy his company and want to connect with another human being. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I will consider snuggling/leaning in to him in the future. I was a bit reluctant to touch him because my hands are always either 1) ice cold or 2) sweaty and that would have been even more weird. Nothing wrong with a little sweat. If a guy's really into you he won't mind, might even like it. You could just lean your head a little onto his shoulder. That's what my girlfriend usually does. If you could do it and be comfortable with that level of intimacy of course. Not trying to make you do something you don't want to do, but I had issues with intimacy for a while too. Eventually weaned myself onto it and it's pretty great once you get used to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 To be honest' date=' I'm not entirely sure what I want in a relationship. I do, however, know exactly what I [i']don't[/i] want. Well ... what? PDA? I also am not into PDA so there are guys who aren't into it or expecting it. Still more guys may do it but not require it. I don't think it's that huge of a problem, except... we'd want intimacy in private. If you can't do that, or can't work towards it, then you do have a serious problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Anyway, I only included that bit of information here because perhaps he thought we were dating while I never thought so...that's why I haven't discussed it with him. Ahhh... okay. Potential asexuality aside, this is a perfectly understandable reason for you to feel awkward about the arm-around-your-shoulders bit. Do you WANT to be dating him? Link to post Share on other sites
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