Can I tell my father's family to leave me alone?

[Brand]

I am the 23 year old product of an affair my 18 year old mother had with her boss. She lived in Texas at the time and was on her own when she met my father. Apparently their affair lasted about six months... After she got pregnant she moved to california for support from my aunt because she couldn't do it alone. We went through times without electricity, and slept on cardboard boxes at one point.

 

My father and his wife stayed together on the condition that he couldn't speak to me. Things were always sent from a po box and I never had his number to call him. She made sure I couldn't have a relationship with him as a child.

 

I only met him in person once and I had no idea it was him. We met at a store when my mom and I went to visit people in Texas when I was about 6. He just stared at me the whole time and told her i was beautiful. around that same time my mom met her husband, the man who I call dad. He has done everything for me, he is fantastic and he makes my mom happy.

 

My father recently died of a heart attack. I flew out to Texas for his funeral... Everyone knew who I was when I shook hands in the line by the coffin. He wife hugged me and said she was happy I came. They had pictures of me in his memorial video that they must have gotten from Facebook. I was extremely angry, they had no right to use my private pictures.

He has three other Children, and my sister closest to my age always messages me. I don't really respond to her.*

 

I took a picture of myself on my way to Hawaii with my family. I was growing a mustache, they all commented about how much I looked like him, so I shaved it off. Then I deleted the picture.

 

I wasn't sad about his passing, I'm still not. I don't have any thoughts about wishing we would've had a relationship. I felt very uncomfortable at the funeral. I don't want them in my life, they weren't there for me when I needed them. I just don't want to look like a prick.

[CC12]

I just don't want to look like a prick.

 

Eh. I wouldn't worry about this too much. As long as you're not rude or nasty about it, they're just going to have to deal with you not wanting to have a relationship.

 

I suggest sending a nicely-worded email next time one of them contacts you. Something like, "I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to have a friendship with my birth father's family right now. It brings up a lot of pain for me. I hope you understand. I'm sorry for your loss. Take care." I wouldn't say anything that completely cuts them off. At some point in your life you might change your mind and want to have a relationship.

[Radu]

The photograph episode was quite stalker-ish.

 

Wish i knew how to tell you to suggest this.

 

PS: I'm pretty sure that you hate them deep down, i suggest you stop trying to hide it and just write it/say it out loud, even if it's to an empty room or a blank piece of paper.

[Brand]

Yea, that's how I felt about it too. It was made for a man I didn't know and had little interest in, so why was it done is how I felt.

 

I don't really hate them, I'm sure they have some excuse, but I hate how my mother was treated, I mean she was a naive kid. Whenever I hear someone bash a girl who had an affair I stand up for them because you have no idea. They could've been lied to and manipulated just like she was.

 

So I guess... I do hate him.

[Emilia]

I wasn't sad about his passing, I'm still not. I don't have any thoughts about wishing we would've had a relationship. I felt very uncomfortable at the funeral. I don't want them in my life, they weren't there for me when I needed them. I just don't want to look like a prick.

You owe them nothing. If I felt strongly about this and was convinced fully that I wanted nothing to do with them, I would tell them so. It's not like you have a family bond. Your mother was poorly treated by your father (I think his wife had limited responsibility here since he was his own person). If you feel they cross your boundaries tell them to do one.

[Radu]

I actually blame the wife quite a lot.

 

From what i get, she sacrificed the well-being of a child for her own happiness.

I think her [the wife] wanting a relationship with the OP is partially to also cleanse her of the guilt.

He did the same, but obviously carries way more guilt because he was an active participant in this.

I really can't blame her for acting this way back then [asking him to have no contact with his son], she didn't ask for this and probably did the best she could at the time.

 

As for her kids, they found out they had a brother, and they are curious.

I think in the grand scheme of things they were as innocent in all of this as you were; i doubt they were happy to find out that their daddy cheated on their mom.

 

I think you should find a way to let go of the hatred you feel for them, and try to have a relationship with your other siblings.

I would also write a letter to her and let her know how much you were hurt through his actions, her actions [back then], and her further actions at the funeral.

[Leegh]

I understand how you feel, but perhaps if they contact you, could you handle just sending a brief, polite email, etc.? You sound as if you are the type of person who would feel badly if you were rude to someone, and that is a good quality to have. I would make replies brief, friendly, etc., but no mention of getting together, or stopping by if you're in my city, etc. A year or two you can reevaluate your feelings, and then maybe cut them off completely or keep things "light" with them.

[Emilia]

I actually blame the wife quite a lot.

 

From what i get, she sacrificed the well-being of a child for her own happiness.

Would you sacrifice your own happiness for a stranger's child?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am the 23 year old product of an affair my 18 year old mother had with her boss. She lived in Texas at the time and was on her own when she met my father. Apparently their affair lasted about six months... After she got pregnant she moved to california for support from my aunt because she couldn't do it alone. We went through times without electricity, and slept on cardboard boxes at one point.

 

My father and his wife stayed together on the condition that he couldn't speak to me. Things were always sent from a po box and I never had his number to call him. She made sure I couldn't have a relationship with him as a child.

 

I only met him in person once and I had no idea it was him. We met at a store when my mom and I went to visit people in Texas when I was about 6. He just stared at me the whole time and told her i was beautiful. around that same time my mom met her husband, the man who I call dad. He has done everything for me, he is fantastic and he makes my mom happy.

 

My father recently died of a heart attack. I flew out to Texas for his funeral... Everyone knew who I was when I shook hands in the line by the coffin. He wife hugged me and said she was happy I came. They had pictures of me in his memorial video that they must have gotten from Facebook. I was extremely angry, they had no right to use my private pictures.

He has three other Children, and my sister closest to my age always messages me. I don't really respond to her.*

 

I took a picture of myself on my way to Hawaii with my family. I was growing a mustache, they all commented about how much I looked like him, so I shaved it off. Then I deleted the picture.

 

I wasn't sad about his passing, I'm still not. I don't have any thoughts about wishing we would've had a relationship. I felt very uncomfortable at the funeral. I don't want them in my life, they weren't there for me when I needed them. I just don't want to look like a prick.

 

Brand,

I am so sorry for your feelings of neglect and rejection. Affairs cause so much damage it is just so hard to imagine.

 

I think being angry at your father for his choices makes sense, but he is gone now so not much more you can do.

 

First of all, please understand that you probably do not know all the facts about this situation. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to find out your husband cheated and fathered a child out of that affair. I am not saying to forgive her, but in her pain she was selfish and did not think of the impact to you and your step siblings. But her husband just died. If you need to call her out or be pissed, wait a bit, or just ignore.

 

Did you biological father support you? It sounds like no, and that is scummy.

 

As for the siblings, they were innocent, they likely did not know about you until recently. It is fair to them to say you are not ready for a relationship because you harbor angry feelings about the situation, and to give you space. Or to have some kind of relationship with them but not their mother.

 

In the end, your feelings are raw, and maybe always will be. But you do what you need to do to feel ok.

[ana0pera]

you didn't ask to be put into this situation. you had no contact with this guy for your entire life, because of his wife (and him, also) and now that he's gone they can't act like you're part of their family. You're not part of the family and it is their fault (the fault of the wife and your biological father).

 

I do not have a relationship with my biological father at all. And I don't want one. He wasn't there for me and my mother when I was young and now that I am older and successful, he tried to start one with me a few years ago. I nipped that in the bud really quickly. If he were to die today or tomorrow I wouldn't be sad...I don't know the guy so what is there to be sad about? I imagine that you feel similarly.

 

I have some cousins on my father's side who have always been nice to me, always wanted to get to know me, etc. They are resentful of the fact that my father (who raised them when their parents died) never allowed us to interact as cousins should. I do not hold my father's wrongdoings against them. It is awkward interacting with them because they are strangers to me, but they were children when all of this was happening and had no say in the matter.

 

I sense that your half-siblings are like this too. They might not have even known about you, and if they did they probably weren't allowed to contact you either. I wouldn't hold this against them, they can't be blamed for the sins of their parents. Not that you can act like you're best friends automatically, a relationship will take time, if you want one at all. I feel like they at least deserve to know that this is hard for you, that they're strangers and while you acknowledge that this isn't their fault, you're not sure if you want a relationship with them (now or ever).

[Radu]

Would you sacrifice your own happiness for a stranger's child?

 

 

I'm not sure if happiness or not, but i don't think i could with my conscience do what she did.

 

In this situation the kids are innocent, the perpetrators [guy and his mother] are quite guilty, and the wife might bear some guilt.

Why should the innocent one suffer in this ?

 

PS: I think ana said it better than i could have.

[darkmoon]

family gatherings generate a lot of idealized behaviour, convos with semi-strangers, you are under no obligation, fact is, nobody much keeps in touch, until the next family funeral or wedding, where everyone has chat, okay, but for some, it is normal to slip-side away a bit, distant Christmas card sending is then the reasonable+sentimental way

 

you are under no obligation, I think you will be better off free

Edited July 17, 2013 by darkmoon

[turnera]

I am the 23 year old product of an affair my 18 year old mother had with her I don't want them in my life, they weren't there for me when I needed them. I just don't want to look like a prick.

If you don't want them in your life, what do you care if you look like a prick?

 

Just ignore them.

[pteromom]

Eh. I wouldn't worry about this too much. As long as you're not rude or nasty about it, they're just going to have to deal with you not wanting to have a relationship.

 

I suggest sending a nicely-worded email next time one of them contacts you. Something like, "I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to have a friendship with my birth father's family right now. It brings up a lot of pain for me. I hope you understand. I'm sorry for your loss. Take care." I wouldn't say anything that completely cuts them off. At some point in your life you might change your mind and want to have a relationship.

 

This is my suggestion too. Then unfriend them on FB so they can't continue a conversation about it, and lock down your page so they can't see your pictures.

 

Communicating is good. If you don't let them know why you are stepping back, they are left to speculate. What CC12 said is perfect, because it makes the problem all about you and doesn't make anyone out to be a bad guy.

[2sure]

I think you should be honest about your feelings and tell them that right now this is not something you are comfortable pursing.

 

His other kids probably found out about you upon his death. The pictures might have been their way, immature and misguided, of saying that they want to know you. It probably wasn't the mothers idea. She may have just put in a show for them since they found out.

 

In the future, you may find you are interested in knowing these half siblings. Not because you shared a bio father but because they are part of your genetics. Don't burn that bridge .

[Brand]

Sorry, I should clarify their ages my brother is 35, one sister is 30, and the other is 25. They were old enough to have known for sometime. When his wife hugged me I felt sick, there was a person who made the first 6 years of my life hell, wrapping her arms around me.

 

I realize her husband just died, but that doesn't excuse what they did to me. I've heard very little about the affair. Mostly from my aunt, he told my mom he was leaving his wife, he didn't love her and never did. When she told him she was pregnant he strangled her and kicked her stomach. That's how his wife found out, the police report. My mom was amazed I lived, and even more so that I was ok when I was born.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Brand

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry, I should clarify their ages my brother is 35, one sister is 30, and the other is 25. They were old enough to have known for sometime. When his wife hugged me I felt sick, there was a person who made the first 6 years of my life hell, wrapping her arms around me.

 

I realize her husband just died, but that doesn't excuse what they did to me. I've heard very little about the affair. Mostly from my aunt, he told my mom he was leaving his wife, he didn't love her and never did. When she told him she was pregnant he strangled her and kicked her stomach. That's how his wife found out, the police report. My mom was amazed I lived, and even more so that I was ok when I was born.

 

Wow. Oh please don't think I meant you should excuse your sperm donor or his wife's actions, I was making a recommendation based your desire to not look bad.

 

You do not have to have a relationship with any of them, ever it's your choice. I do believe that your half siblings were also victims in a different way. They had to live everyday with a guy who would kick a pregnant woman in th stomach.

 

You have been given lots of advice here on what to say, all of it is excellent. I think you may eventually regret not having some kind of relationship with your siblings, but it really is your choice. Take care of yourself.

[turnera]

When she told him she was pregnant he strangled her and kicked her stomach.

Oh HELL no, you owe them nothing. Just make sure you tell them WHY you'll have nothing to do with their family, what their father did.

 

Although there's a chance that, if he could do that to your mom, he did similar to them.

[Brand]

What's weird is my mom always said he was a nice guy, who was sweet to her. When my aunt told me that I wondered why my mom lied to me... I can't even imagine doing that to a pregnant girl, much less an 18 year old.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

What's weird is my mom always said he was a nice guy, who was sweet to her. When my aunt told me that I wondered why my mom lied to me... I can't even imagine doing that to a pregnant girl, much less an 18 year old.

 

I can't either, but then again, I bet he was sweet when he was starting the affair. And a violent jerk when the consequences of the affair were apparent.

 

Your mom is probably trying to protect you.

[Radu]

Sorry, I should clarify their ages my brother is 35, one sister is 30, and the other is 25. They were old enough to have known for sometime. When his wife hugged me I felt sick, there was a person who made the first 6 years of my life hell, wrapping her arms around me.

 

I realize her husband just died, but that doesn't excuse what they did to me. I've heard very little about the affair. Mostly from my aunt, he told my mom he was leaving his wife, he didn't love her and never did. When she told him she was pregnant he strangled her and kicked her stomach. That's how his wife found out, the police report. My mom was amazed I lived, and even more so that I was ok when I was born.

 

Write the letter i mentioned to all of them.

Have it delivered to them in person, and signed for it.

 

I have this guy was an abuser, in which case i consider the woman to carry even more guilt, as every abuser needs an enabler.

I would not be surprised if they knew of his behaviour or even experienced it first-hand, and some may have even inherited some parts of it.

[Brand]

I put pictures of my mom and I through the years on facebook, from just born to now, as a comparison as we get older. My brother commented on the album "you know, I always wondered what she looked like growing up. She's more beautiful than I imagined, you're a lucky guy, Brand."

 

I've been thinking about what I should say to them all in my leave me alone letter. I want to say so many rude things, but my mom taught me to always be polite to people. I know she'd be disappointed if she read it.

[Emilia]

I put pictures of my mom and I through the years on facebook, from just born to now, as a comparison as we get older. My brother commented on the album "you know, I always wondered what she looked like growing up. She's more beautiful than I imagined, you're a lucky guy, Brand."

 

I've been thinking about what I should say to them all in my leave me alone letter. I want to say so many rude things, but my mom taught me to always be polite to people. I know she'd be disappointed if she read it.

Are they on your friend list?

[Brand]

Are they on your friend list?

 

Yeah, they are. I didn't think they'd talk to me actually, they added me by the way...

[Emilia]

Yeah, they are. I didn't think they'd talk to me actually, they added me by the way...

So why do you have people on your friendlist whom you dislike or don't want contact with?