How do you find the strength to ignore your ex's text messages?!

[SmithJ]

We broke up a month ago, he left me and moved away. Didn't speak to him for a week after then he called and we had a row, another week passed and he called again. I answered and we cleared the air and had a really nice catch up and I sort of got closure in the sense that we were fine with eachother but I didn't want anymore contact, I was pleased his life was working out so well (as he told me all these brilliant new things that are happening to him) Got off the phone and he sent me a text saying it was nice to speak. I responded saying the same and that was it. The Tuesday after he text again with just chit chat, I responded and it turned into relationship talk (he justified AGAIN why he had to leave me) I told him that it was fine, I accepted it and I'm glad it happened in a way because I needed to work on myself and couldn't do it when we were together. He asked if I hate him I told him no. He said he's glad and he doesn't hate me either. End of conversation.

 

Friday came and he text me something about his day out of the blue, I responded and told him some good news I had that day (work related) he said he was proud of me. End of conversation. On Monday I get a picture message of our dog (which he took with him) with a cute little caption next to it. I replied again (like an idiot) later on in the day he text me another pic of our dog with another cute caption (I miss my dog soooo much) and I replied again (like an idiot) and that was the end of the conversation.

 

I've not told him that I still love him or want him back or anything like that, as far as he knows I'm working on myself and I'm happy, to some extent that is true but I miss him and love him dearly. When I see his name on my phone my stomach flips and everything in me wants to ignore him but I'm so in love with him.

 

My question is, where do you find strength to ignore them? What coping methods does everyone have? Its a month now and I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe when he texts I should post on here to vent or something.

[Ashlaria]

Hey there.

 

I guess that venting on here would help. Maybe just ignore him for a little while. If you are slow to respond he might get the message that you are busy with your life and he with either stop texting or want you back.

 

You said he had mentioned the relationship several times, so it could be he thinks he's made a mistake and is fishing to find out how you feel. I don't want to give you false hope, but if he is asking these questions it might be because he's changed his mind about the break up.

 

Try this, the next time he sends a text, read it if you like, then come on here and post the reply on the NC thread. Then finish whatever you are doing, reading, watching tv etc and then reply. Try making it at least 30 minutes, then an hour etc. See if that makes a difference.

 

You said you still love him, otherwise I would tell you to just switch off your phone so you're not tempted to reply!

 

Good luck

[SmithJ]

Thanks for your reply. Before he left he spent 3 days in our apartment crying about why he had to leave (my behavior) and that he didn't want to etc. He said he wants to get back together in the future when we have sorted out our issues but I am not taking that as something that he seriously meant (rather something to ease his guilt) as everyone says 'actions speak louder than words'

 

Yes I sort of understand what you mean, when he brought it up though I apologized for my actions throughout the relationship and then just said it was for the best (which it probably is) but I didn't want to seem needy

 

Yeah I will do that IF he texts me again I will vent on here and then maybe head to the gym for a while rather than immediately text back. I feel like I'm making myself too available for him. I do love him and I did mess up (I was very insecure) I'm getting counseling now and he knows I am, he says he just wants me to get better.

 

Like you said, it could go either way, me not texting him back may make me realize I can do it and be happier without him or make him realize he does want to give it another go.

 

Thanks for your response

[tinker683]

Delete them immediately. Give give yourself even a second to dwell on them. If he continues to text, call your phone provider and ask them to block his number. That will solve a great many things.

 

Or, if you want to spend a little money, have your number changed

[AllTooWell]

I agree with the above. When my ex was texting me, a few things helped.

 

I changed his name in my phone (iPhones are really tricky at deleting the numbers and you need texts from the person to actually delete the number. Plus I had his number memorized so it really wasn't much help to delete it.) Change their name to something REALLY AWFUL. His was 'He doesn't love you why bother". It's really, really difficult to reply or to contact someone with that staring you in the face.

 

Delete the text as soon as you get it and (if you can) without opening it.

 

As soon as you get the text, turn your phone off or LEAVE it somewhere. (Leave it in the house, go for a drive to the park and walk around.) Come home, clean, do homework, read, work out. Give yourself at least a few hours before you turn your phone back on.

 

When you turn your phone back on, remind yourself that this person left you. Think of all the bad qualities they have, all the ways they hurt you, and how now they are selfishly trying to impede your healing.

 

 

Then come to LS and complain about them !

[SmithJ]

Turning my phone off and doing something else is a really good idea. I have to read it though because I have an IPhone which is annoying! I'm going to change his name to something that will really hurt my feelings when I see it, I just need to be a bit imaginative but I will definitely do that tonight.

 

I think that when he texts (I have a feeling he will) that I will switch off my phone, go to the gym then straight home to shower and bed. That way I'll wake up the next day without feeling guilty for not replying.

 

I think I've replied so far because I always think 'If I don't reply he'll think I don't love him and I don't want him to be hurt' but he left me so I shouldn't be thinking like that anymore. All the way through our relationship I put him first before myself which he never did for me and now he is messing with me to see if I'm still here for him. I so wish I didn't love him, life would be so much easier!

[Echo000]

u are also playing a dangerous game if you continue responding, because one day his texts will stop and your mind will start running wildly. You will start anticipating the next text, wonder why you havnt heard from him, etc.

 

So good that you are trying to stop responding. I put my ex's name as "NEVER RESPOND", but recently in a fit of anger changed it to "Selfish B**ch".

 

Haha. All this sucks. It hurts when i remember that her name used to have hearts by it in my phone with a cute nickname. Now its stuff like NEVER RESPOND or Selfish Bit**. Whole process sucks. But necessary at this point.

[Chris715]

Good question and I'd like to know the answer too. Because when my ex has texted me I've responded pretty quickly every time... Sad but true :/

[SmithJ]

I am now waiting for him to text again...It has been 2 days....WHAT is wrong with me?!!

 

I feel worse now, it's exactly a month today since we broke up and he has contacted me at least once every week. When he doesn't text and I am not expecting anything I start to feel better but now I'm expecting something that isn't coming I feel horrible, almost broke down driving to work today (something that I used to do at the very start of the break up) If I didn't need my phone for my alarm clock and Ipod I would just turn it off and throw it in the cupboard. He uses stuff that will pull at my heart strings though with sending me cute pictures of the dog, it's hard for me to ignore because (I know how stupid this sounds!) but I feel like I'm ignoring my dog even though the captions are coming from him 'Miss you mummy' It's so irritating!

 

So for me this is officially day 2 of NC. I'll just switch off my phone if I receive a text and busy myself with something else.

 

We need to remember that these messages do not mean that they want us back or even miss us, it just means that they know how much we love them so when they are bored they pick up their phone and text us, probably not even thinking twice about it. Selfish F****

[Ale khun]

Smithj . I was in the same position , my ex used to text me and ignoring him was the hardest thing to do , because how can you ignore someone you love ? Seriously despite all the things he did to me and the hurtful way he dumped me I was hooked with this guy and it was hard just to delete his text I have iPhone message so it's tricky to delete a text without reading it and the worst thing was that he knew that I had read his text( he has iPhone too ) so I spoke to my therapist and he told me that I had to be blunt and strong and say to him "stop texting me , I have a new relationship leve me alone " but honestly I couldn't :/ I didn't have the strength to tell him to fu**off , it's stupid how a simple text can give you anxiety and turn your day in to misery , at least that's how I felt . So i change my phone number I don't care if my friends call me coward or if they think that I don't have the strength to ignore him I'm doing whats best for me , now I feel better I'm not worried everytime I hear a text alert . My point is if you don't feel strong to ignore him just block him and if that doesn't work change your number but do whatever you need to do to feel better

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am now waiting for him to text again...It has been 2 days....WHAT is wrong with me?!!

 

I feel worse now, it's exactly a month today since we broke up and he has contacted me at least once every week. When he doesn't text and I am not expecting anything I start to feel better but now I'm expecting something that isn't coming I feel horrible, almost broke down driving to work today (something that I used to do at the very start of the break up) If I didn't need my phone for my alarm clock and Ipod I would just turn it off and throw it in the cupboard. He uses stuff that will pull at my heart strings though with sending me cute pictures of the dog, it's hard for me to ignore because (I know how stupid this sounds!) but I feel like I'm ignoring my dog even though the captions are coming from him 'Miss you mummy' It's so irritating!

 

So for me this is officially day 2 of NC. I'll just switch off my phone if I receive a text and busy myself with something else.

 

We need to remember that these messages do not mean that they want us back or even miss us, it just means that they know how much we love them so when they are bored they pick up their phone and text us, probably not even thinking twice about it. Selfish F****

 

This is what everyone means by no contact NC. It is not to punish the other person (that's just a bonus) it's to avoid being hurt.

 

You need to go further than just ignoring. Because you still read and get sad if he does text or devastated if he doesn't. You need to block him, calls, texts, Facebook. Then you don't know if he calls or texts. It's not like he doesn't have your address if he wants to get ahold of you, but that would take commitment.

 

This NC is for you.

[SmithJ]

I've tried to take everyone's advice about the NC thing, I cant block him as he still owes me money!

 

On Wednesday I got a picture of the dog (AGAIN) with a caption saying 'dad is lots more buff now mum' followed by a picture of him without his shirt on!! Yes his body is a lot more toned now and he looked really hot.....This was followed by another text telling me hes had his hair cut changed....along with a photo. WHAT IS GOING ONNNN?!

[Ashlaria]

Have you actually asked him to stop contacting you? My ex and I had a fb conversation on Wednesday and he said it was too hard talking to me and so we should not contact each other for a while. We cannot be together as he has got his gf pregnant, so even though we do love each other it doesn't matter

 

So we agreed no contact and so far he has been as good as his word.

 

Maybe if you explain to your ex how much it hurts, he will be considerate enough to stop contacting you. If you ask him and he continues doing it them that should be incentive enough to make you angry with him and not respond.

 

Just an idea

[Follower]

SmithJ,

 

How much money are we talking about, do you really need it? or are you just kidding yourself into believing you need the money in order to keep a tangible non-judged line of communication open?

 

Block him, write off the debt and move on.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I've tried to take everyone's advice about the NC thing, I cant block him as he still owes me money!

 

On Wednesday I got a picture of the dog (AGAIN) with a caption saying 'dad is lots more buff now mum' followed by a picture of him without his shirt on!! Yes his body is a lot more toned now and he looked really hot.....This was followed by another text telling me hes had his hair cut changed....along with a photo. WHAT IS GOING ONNNN?!

 

You can block him. He has your address if he ever wants to pay you back.

 

He's playing a game and keeping you on the hook.

 

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. Until you heal.

[SmithJ]

Ashlaria that is awful! I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel really sorry for the new girlfriend and the new baby as it seems he is still in love with you. I told him we shouldn't speak for a while and he said that we should meet up sometime and see how things go (we live hours apart) and judge our future from there. I do want to see him but its just so hard/confusing when he just left me like that.

 

It is a large amount of money (to me) and to be honest I really need it because I'm getting a new car soon so every penny is going towards but I do understand what you're saying and maybe in a way I am but I am honestly starting to feel better, I've lost weight, going to the gym, seeing old friends it's just I can't imagine him being out of my life completely but on the other hand he hangs over me like a black cloud. If it wasn't for all these texts and pictures I'd probably be fine now but I read too much into it and upset myself.

 

As I don't need my phone this weekend I am going to switch it off and put it in a cupboard and if I feel better on Monday then I'll see about changing my number and asking my brother to contact him about the money.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Ashlaria that is awful! I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel really sorry for the new girlfriend and the new baby as it seems he is still in love with you. I told him we shouldn't speak for a while and he said that we should meet up sometime and see how things go (we live hours apart) and judge our future from there. I do want to see him but its just so hard/confusing when he just left me like that.

 

It is a large amount of money (to me) and to be honest I really need it because I'm getting a new car soon so every penny is going towards but I do understand what you're saying and maybe in a way I am but I am honestly starting to feel better, I've lost weight, going to the gym, seeing old friends it's just I can't imagine him being out of my life completely but on the other hand he hangs over me like a black cloud. If it wasn't for all these texts and pictures I'd probably be fine now but I read too much into it and upset myself.

 

As I don't need my phone this weekend I am going to switch it off and put it in a cupboard and if I feel better on Monday then I'll see about changing my number and asking my brother to contact him about the money.

 

Just my thoughts here, but sometimes putting something in writing (email) helps because you can ponder your feelings and perfect your wording.

 

Maybe it would help to send him an email with your feelings above. That you care for him but that you are having trouble healing because of the frequent contact, and that you ask for some space from him so that you can heal from the breakup and work on building a life independent of him.

 

That you wish him well and hope someday to be friends, just not right away.

 

Also, many companies will block specific numbers and you don't have to change phone numbers. Contact your phone provider.

 

He can always reach you by regular mail. Having your brother contact him about the money is a great idea.

 

And great job on keeping busy and healthy.

[hayewils]

When my stbxw left, she told me she was changing her number.

I believe she did cause nobody can get thru. I know there is an app that you can download called Iblacklist.

I wonder if my stbxw did this.

Anyway, it allows you to block text messages, phone numbers.

You can even have all texts put into a separate basket for later viewing.

Might want to look into that.

[portableversion]

Man my ex would reach out to me quite a bit and many many times told me she missed me and thought of us getting back together, we fooled around a few times after our divorce. Got real bad when in late January she tol me she was done with him and thought of reconciling. We hung out a lot when the kids were in school. I bought her lunch a few times and we hung out. then she laid it out he made peace with her boyfriend and was going to Alaska to visit him.... Wow that was so painful, I never made any boes about it I had said many times I felt the divorce was wrong and I had been thru therapy and aa and church and other things and felt certain I could find a way for us to bridge our differences and do it and have a much better relationship.

 

I had told her that id be willing to give up certain things and do other things differently. But no she wanted to spend thousands of dollars to go visit her old coworker who joined the army. She said thy made up or some ****. They are married now.

 

The real kick in the pants was just a few week before they got married she told me once again she was done with him and it was over. Not that she was thinking of ending it but that it was in fact over. It was a huge lie they had a weeding date set and they got married on july 5th. Needless to say it set me off on another round of crying.

 

It was like my leg was broken many times over and over again. Reconciliation is nice to think about but if it dont happen you're gonna get hurt real bad all over again.

 

IM doing a bit better but yeah it set me back it would've been so much easier if we had jut went no contact and she was honest with me that she was leaving me for another man. I have no idea what all the talk was about but I do know one thing I felt like I was murdered over and over again. The emotional and spiritual drain was immense, so immense it was sublime.

 

I sacrificed everything I had for that woman and loved her with every fiber of my being, despite the fact I know she did not treat me the best and was selfish in the bedroom and other things. I loved her despite all that and the fact she would anger me so much I had a love which was surviving all that.

 

NOw ive had to do all my self helps for me and im getting to the point where its pointless to consider what I can compromise for her, now ive just went back and decided to accept things in me which drove her crazy and have decided the next woman will just have to be cool with a few things in me.

 

I was willing to compromise for her but now since she married im just gonna be careful as to who I get with next and the selfishness in the bedroom will be the deal breaker. No reason to give that up now that im single and shes married to her old coworker.

 

SO yeah op be real careful about this, think of this you go on a campaign to figure out how to change yourself to fix the things that drove them away you come to accept these things knowing you want them back but they get involved with someone else, it will feel like a huge waste of effort. Unless of course it is a problem that would drive most folks away.

 

Luckily for me I have gathered lots of evidence my quirks are actually welcomed by all kinds of women so im going back on things I was willing to change and give up.

 

BUt still the misery and pain was very serious, if it were not for aa and church and going out of my way to make new friends I think I would have shot myself in my bathtub. Other than that I really don't know how I survived it all I went to funerals which seemed like a trip to a comedy club compared to this crap.

Edited July 22, 2013 by portableversion

[SmithJ]

After recent days of texts messages going back and forth between me and the ex I've finally followed everyone's advice and told him to leave me alone. I was so sick of being treated like the break up meant nothing I sort of flipped. I told him that I was sick of pining over him and being in love with him and that I need to get out and live my life around people that love me. I told him I'm going to move on and not to contact me again. He replied saying 'I want you to move on' and I just deleted the message along with his phone number. I have no other access to him.

 

I'm sick of crying, sick of feeling like my aim in life is to make this man want me, sick of thinking about a future with him. I feel like this is my turning point, I'm feeling angry that I've wasted all this time on him. I want to meet someone that can treat me properly and love me like I deserve because I do deserve better than him. Someone to take me for who I am without picking up on every single flaw.

 

 

Life really is too short for this s**t and I'm completely done with feeling like I'm nothing. Is it normal to want to punch him in the face? I don't know why I'm suddenly so angry.

[TaraMaiden]

It's one of the stages people go through... You're well on the way to recovery.

 

I would - if you know someone who's in the profession - get a legal beagle to write him a formal letter requesting he repay you the money he owes you.

 

Other than that, going NC is probably the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

 

Well done.

[SmithJ]

I'm just so full of hate but I know I never ever want to hear from him again (which if I'm being completely honest is the first time I've felt like that)

 

I just feel stupid too though for pining over someone who isn't worth it. He isn't even fit to shine my shoe!! I want to kick him in the face with my shiney shoe!!

 

 

I asked my brother to send him a message about the money which he did and the ex replied saying it will be in my account by the end of next week so that's something that I don't have to worry about.

 

 

Thanks for all your help guys, wish i could have taken the advice sooner but I think I just had to come to realise myself that this is the only way. I'm no longer thinking about how HE would feel if I don't reply to his texts but how I would feel if I did reply. I'm far too selfless with people I love (the complete opposite to him)

 

 

Someone else is going to get 'the lines' used on them by this creep who knows all the right things to say and good luck to them....they'll need it!!!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He isn't even fit to shine my shoe!! I want to kick him in the face with my shiney shoe!!

 

This made me laugh out loud!

[SmithJ]

Glad I made someone happy

 

Urgggh I had a dream about him last night that we were back together. I wish I had some control over my dreams! I just keep telling myself that he is not worth is because he really isn't. I'm not a horrible person and I deserve something more than being in love with someone who couldn't give 2 sh**s about me.

 

I think that I'm starting to get some perspective and self worth now. I hope that is a sign that I am slowly getting over things. I's still so young and I've got the rest of my life to meet someone and settle down.

 

Someone posted on this forum something that really stuck it said 'one day you'll meet someone and you'll realize why all your other relationships didn't work out' I think that's a really nice thought.

 

Life is far too short to be chasing someone who doesn't want you when there are lots of people who will. You have to kiss A LOT of frogs to find your prince

[jphcbpa]

Congrats!!!!

 

Yes, get angry, feel those emotions, be with them, process them. I suggest getting a journal and writing them out. Just free flow write when feelings come up. Date the entries and look back on them down the road. It is very healing putting things in black and white.

 

Take care of you, keep loving yourself. Also do not beat yourself up with would have, could have and should haves. They have stolen enough from you. Talk back to those thougths. Tell them they have taken enough. Talk to them out loud.