kissing another guy

[alxvln4]

I am going to ask for advice stories or anything helpful in a very weird situation I had. Thanks in advance for bearing through my long post.

 

So let's start with the basics... I'm a 25 year old male in a relationship with a twenty year old female. We've been dating for almost two years now and she lives with me now. Yesterday morning we were talking about something and then randomly says "what would you do if i still had feelings for my ex?". That right there caught me completely off guard and I said that I don't know what I would do. I then asked her if she did have feelings for him and she said she didn't know. It worried me because I did not want to be a rebound for her. We kinda didn't talk anymore for a while as I was just letting her decide if she still did have feeling for him. I left for work and said I would see her later. While I was at work I was thinking about her a lot and thinking what I should say to her. I decided I would tell her that I am gonna spend the night at my moms house so she could have time to think about her feelings. When I came home today she told me she went to her friends birthday party and had two drinks, smoked a cigar, and kissed one of her friends on the lips because of a dare. This tore me up inside. She told me she was very sorry and doesn't know why she did it. She said all her friends were egging her on and that really bothers me because they all knew she was in a relationship with me.... I know I don't want to break up with her I love her. And I know she loves me but these past two days were very weird and everything feel fake. I feel very uncomfortable with her friends and how they acted. She is remorseful and said she know what she did was wrong and it made her realize what she had with me and that she knows she has no feelings for her ex. I just feel so confused about things I almost feel like it didn't happen (the kiss). Sorry if the end of this was rambling or confusing it is just how I feel is there any advice I can get?

[TaraMaiden]

This 'One of her friends'....It wouldn't be her ex- by any chance?

 

Would she even tell you if he'd been there?

is this a 'made-up' friend?

 

I think you should find out, myself....

 

The connection between "what would you do if i still had feelings for my ex?", and "kissed one of her friends on the lips" just seems too coincidental to dismiss......

[alxvln4]

I forgot to mention her ex lives a seven hour car ride away. The friend she kissed was not her ex.

[therhythm]

I am going to ask for advice stories or anything helpful in a very weird situation I had. Thanks in advance for bearing through my long post.

 

So let's start with the basics... I'm a 25 year old male in a relationship with a twenty year old female. We've been dating for almost two years now and she lives with me now. Yesterday morning we were talking about something and then randomly says "what would you do if i still had feelings for my ex?". That right there caught me completely off guard and I said that I don't know what I would do. I then asked her if she did have feelings for him and she said she didn't know. It worried me because I did not want to be a rebound for her. We kinda didn't talk anymore for a while as I was just letting her decide if she still did have feeling for him. I left for work and said I would see her later. While I was at work I was thinking about her a lot and thinking what I should say to her. I decided I would tell her that I am gonna spend the night at my moms house so she could have time to think about her feelings. When I came home today she told me she went to her friends birthday party and had two drinks, smoked a cigar, and kissed one of her friends on the lips because of a dare. This tore me up inside. She told me she was very sorry and doesn't know why she did it. She said all her friends were egging her on and that really bothers me because they all knew she was in a relationship with me.... I know I don't want to break up with her I love her. And I know she loves me but these past two days were very weird and everything feel fake. I feel very uncomfortable with her friends and how they acted. She is remorseful and said she know what she did was wrong and it made her realize what she had with me and that she knows she has no feelings for her ex. I just feel so confused about things I almost feel like it didn't happen (the kiss). Sorry if the end of this was rambling or confusing it is just how I feel is there any advice I can get?

 

 

I think you know better than us how your normal life and relationship with this woman is but for what you have related us about the last two days I think that the problem is not if she still have feelings for her ex but what feelings does she have for you? She is in a very dangerous state of mind if one day she tells you she miss her ex and the next one she kiss another guy.... Huge red flags there my friend!

[TaraMaiden]

I still think this is a red-flag moment.

 

you know, it's not so much your reaction she wants to gauge, but her own opinion of you, she's questioning.

 

She doesn't doubt you.

 

She doubts herself.

 

EDIT:

 

Snap, therhythm!

Edited July 16, 2013 by TaraMaiden
therhythm and I are in rhythm!!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I third the red flag.

 

1. She has poor boundaries

2. She gives into peer pressure, by people who are not friends of your relationship. Who is the one she kissed?

3. She gave you an excuse about some other boyfriend from 2 years ago?? What is that about? Right there is something very strange.

4. She let you stew about it rather than coming clean about a kiss? Naw, I think there's more to it. (Iceberg theory)

 

Firstly, if you want to work it out, she needs to figure out why she did this. Therapy would be good. I would have a hard time trusting those "friend" get togethers.

Oh and NC with the one she kissed and any friends who egged her on.

Sorry

[Try]

When I came home today she told me she went to her friends birthday party and had two drinks, smoked a cigar, and kissed one of her friends on the lips because of a dare.

How is it that their was such a dare in the first place? Obviously she was flirting with the guy all night, which is why the dare made sense.

 

I know I don't want to break up with her I love her.

Since you have let her know this, she will feel safe cheating on you as she knows that you will not break up with her. Telling you that she may have feelings for another man, and telling you that she partied and kissed another man, were tests to see what you would do. By being passive, you failed the tests. You gave her the green light to cheat so she will.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's lying to you and you're not getting the full story. Cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

Plus, you go away for the night and she goes out to party while all conflicted, sounds like she isn't THAT conflicted if you ask me.

[Darren Steez]

Seems to be seeing how far she can push the boundaries. She asked you about feelings about the ex, then went ahead and kissed some guy, she's probably in contact with the ex or thinking about it..either way not really good news for you.

 

She's crossed the boundary, if she's done it before not really much to stop her from doing it again.

[alxvln4]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

[Darren Steez]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

 

She kissed another guy in a room full of people, either way word was going to get back to you sooner or later. She had no choice but to tell you. You're making excuses for her.

[Chi townD]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

 

 

Well, there you go. Chances are her friends witnessed her activities with this other dude. So, instead of having the possibility of you finding out through one of them, she told you straight out.

 

And I still think that more happened than a kiss. I've seen threads that start out as just a "just a kiss" progress into grinding on the dance floor, to making out on the dance floor, to heavy petting on the dance floor, to leaving the club for a quicky in the car. But, he was told it was only a kiss.

 

Re-read my other post.

[TaraMaiden]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

 

Any person who kisses someone else while in a committed relationship, has questionable principles.

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

If I was in a situation where that was a 'dare' presented to me, I'd rather do the forfeit.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

 

Ok Al, I get it, you don't like the answers you are getting. But odds are that this is a big giant red flag that you should not ignore.

 

So what do you do? Well, you need to discuss and work out with her why, if she loves and is committed to you she allowed peer pressure, or drinks (or insert other excuse) to let her break boundaries and do something so hurtful to you.

 

See that's the thing, did she realize (care?) that this would devastate you? What was she thinking about when she did that? And how do you feel comfortable next time? Do you want to police her behavior or do you want to KNOW she wont cross the line.

 

I am glad she told you, but I agree she didn't really have a choice, right? There were witnesses.

 

What is SHE doing to make this better for YOU?

 

Words vs Actions.

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing is she has never done anything at all unfaithful to me in the whole time we have been together and she willingly volunteered the information on her kiss to me when her "friends" were telling her to not tell me. She seemed genuinely remorseful and I want to try and make it work out. I wonder if anyone has an opinion on that or any stories of success in similar situations.

 

Says who? The same girlfriend who randomly announced that she might have feelings for an ex and also kissed another guy?

 

I would also seriously wonder what provoked her to question you about how you'd react if she had feelings for her ex. Has she been in contact with him? Have they seen each other? Those are the questions I'd be be asking.

 

The bottom line is that she is not trustworthy and has demonstrated that she doesn't know what she wants. She's also very young and likely still wants to time to explore. None of these signs bode well, unfortunately.

[AlexDP]

Any person who kisses someone else while in a committed relationship, has questionable principles.

 

That's all I'm saying.

 

If I was in a situation where that was a 'dare' presented to me, I'd rather do the forfeit.

 

I agree. If my girl did that, I'd dump her. Maybe it's childish, maybe I'm too proud or stubborn, I don't know. But I just would not be able to feel comfortable again after that.

[crederer]

Sorry man. Anyone that asks how you'd feel if she wasn't over her ex is someone that is not over her ex. I mean, it wouldn't even pop into her head unless she was already thinking it.

 

The kissing another dude on a dare is a whole other story, but having a partner that is not over the ex is a done deal. She's going to think what could have been for as long as she stays with you, and will eventually branch out at some point. It has more to do with her than you but you gotta do your own thing.