The good days and the bad days

[Queen of Sheba]

So, how long since d-day and how many good days a week do you have when you think it's ok and how many bad days when you think WS doesn't get it, doesn't understand or bad triggers they haven't helped with or apologised for or just good old thinking about things sad days. I'm not sure I can work it out as I can flit thorughout the day! But I suppose, it's nearly 3 months since d day and while it was every day a bad day crying most of the time for the first few weeks, it got to a few times a week and now it's once or twice a week, but those times are big whammy ones if you know what I mean! So I don't know if the bad days are getting less but actually worse in intensity! The good days are getting better than previous good days most of the time but can turn into a whammy argument bad day easily, often when alcohol is involved.....!

[Sadwife37]

Good morning Queen,

I believe you are in the same place I was 16 months ago. Your threads sound just like I was thinking. At 3 months past D day I really was still a wreck. Trying to R. Trying to forgive. Trying to accept the A for what it was. Trying to believe it was in the past, a huge lapse in judgement. A mistake that my H would give anything to erase. Trying to function everyday instead of drowning in the memories, thoughts, and sorrow.

 

I am 21 months past D Day. I now believe we are going to make it. I feel good most of the time. I still think about the A every single day. But there are periods in every day where the A leaves my mind. I can experience happy times and be in the present. That is pretty new for me. For me the devastation has taken a very long time to subside. And my H has done everything since D Day he possible could to help me and help us. But my personality, my insecurities, my internalization of his actions, has made this a long painful process. We have had MC and both IC. He has been 100% open and honest since and has been NC since DDay. His A rocked my world and has caused me a greater heartbreak than I thought possible. Some people deal with it far better than others.

 

Some people can move past it, for whatever reason, I have had a very hard, slow recovery. I attribute a lot of that to me. I analyzed, talked, cried, read, repeat... I am still in pain. I may always be. I still doubt him. I still worry where his head really is and what he is feeling and thinking. He tells me of course. But I dwell and worry.

 

I cry very rarely now. And we fight / talk about the A very rarely. Sometimes though I still need to bring it up and rant. We have talked about everything over and over. He still talks about it when I need too. Just this morning when my H's alarm went off he rolled over and put his arms around me, kissed my neck and snuggled in. I said " I love that we wake up like this every morning now". Before the A he would have just hopped out of bed. So I was thinking about the A first thing. And I brought it up. But it didn't make me sad or cause a fight. It mostly just makes me wish we could have gotten where we needed to be without the A. My H wishes the same thing. We really had gotten almost like roommates. Now we touch, hug, kiss, cuddle, talk, etc.

 

I really believe I have worked past the reality of the A. What I get sad, upset, or panicky about now, is my fears about today - not the reality of the past. And that is my issue that I am working on in IC.

 

It really does get easier. But for some people it takes a very long time and is painful beyond words. At 3 months past DDay the A was always in my mind. When I woke. When I went to bed. All day. Just cycling through thoughts and memories. I would feel pretty good one day and think i was over the worst, and then the next day i would crash bad. the good times get longer but so do the bad times. At 12 months past D Day i had some awful weeks. Weeks when i thought i needed to leave. Weeks when i absolutely doubted R. Weeks when I couldn't look my H in the eyes because he made me nauseous. I thought i was past the A. Thought i forgave my H. And then plunged into horribleness. hopefully that doesn't happen for you, but it may.

 

Take comfort in the recovery timeframe people put out - 2-5 years to recover. Given that timeframe I feel I am doing good .

That was a long ramble - hopefully something in it helps.

[Queen of Sheba]

Oh it's just such crap isn't it? It really is. The one you loved could treat you with such dismissive attitude and be the ultimate in selfishness, it should be flipping easy for them to be the ultimate in unselfishness and take everything thrown at them every minute of the day and be thinking of us every second of the day! Even if it isn't easy to do they should be doing it! We have no choice but to be thinking about them and their AP every second of the day! They could do it for their AP they can damn well do it for us if it wasn't as important as us!

[Confused48]

Oh it's just such crap isn't it? It really is. The one you loved could treat you with such dismissive attitude and be the ultimate in selfishness, it should be flipping easy for them to be the ultimate in unselfishness and take everything thrown at them every minute of the day and be thinking of us every second of the day! Even if it isn't easy to do they should be doing it! We have no choice but to be thinking about them and their AP every second of the day! They could do it for their AP they can damn well do it for us if it wasn't as important as us!

 

You are totally right. You, we, do deserve this. My WS came around to this attitude once I did a 180. I know I'm repeating this to you. Sorry, but it was pivotal. Not that my WS always has this attitude now. But more and more often as time goes by.

[Queen of Sheba]

You are totally right. You, we, do deserve this. My WS came around to this attitude once I did a 180. I know I'm repeating this to you. Sorry, but it was pivotal. Not that my WS always has this attitude now. But more and more often as time goes by.

You mean "don't" not "do" don't you???!

 

Crunch time came this last w/e. I thought I'd made it clear that I was seriously thinking of not being able to carry on and he slept in another room. The following day he asked to talk. We spoke at length at how he still didn't get it. I have written down many things which he kept saying he would read but kept finding excuses not to do so, everything more important. (That will be part of the sham remorse regardless of wheteher other remore is genuine?!) In particular a list of all the things he did for the affair, the things he refused to do for me in those 4 months and similar things in 19 years. How he has ruined (hopefully temporarily and he will put right) Xmas, Mother's Day, Easter Valentine's Day and my b'day. Yep he managed to put the affair ahead of me all those times. Just as I thought I got through he said he would read even though he didn't agree! I broke down again begging him to see things from my point of view. You can't say MY feelings are wrong! You can't say how I SEE things is WRONG!! I can see things from his point of view I can understand but I, ME, I am the one wronged, I am the one that needs to be understood. I don't need to put something right! Told him how can he possibly put something right if he doesn't know what he has done and how I see and feel it all? Still got the it was an affair everything was for the sex! Back round again telling him he has got to look at things from my perspective otherwise how can he possibly put things right? It's impossible if he only ever disagrees, it's the same as dismissing my feelings and thoughts. That is not remorse and putting things right. It's saying see things my way and things will be okay. Well I can't because you DID those things and this is the outcome. YOUR CHOICES. He doesn't have to agree to understand what I am feeling and how to put those feelings and thoughts right.

 

So in 5 days he has read it once. I have told him I am not going to keep on at him to read it, but if it's not important to him to keep reading it all (that other doc I printed off for him too that is pinned on here "What every WS needs to know" which I think we all agree is perfect but he's only read once and that's not sunk in) then that will tell me that I/we are not important. He's got to want to read it because he wants to understand ME and want to put things right.

 

So, getting him to do it and getting him to do it because he wants to are difficult. Lets hope over the next couple of weeks he reads it far more and I see some change in his behaviour, attitude and actions. If there isn't I don't see how we can survive however much we want to. A man that doesn't want to understand the damages he has done and doesn't want to put them right because it's too difficult doesn't want the relationship enough.

 

Some things have improved but he definitely still doesn't really get it. He knows I'm really hurt and broken and its still possible that he has thrown away everything due to his selfishness, but that's it. I'd like to think he's trying now but time will tell when I see and hear something different. I listed all the things I was doing, staying, despite continued hurt and being shouted at and not trusting him (far wider than just not trusting another affair) not knowing if I love him emotions still far too mixed up, going to MC, researching websites for advice, researching forums and posting questions and responses reading others all to get a bigger perspective and help myself, so huge time investment there which he isn't doing and I said I thought I was doing more than enough. He didn't agree!! Huh? Get real! What else am I meant to do to put right what HE did!! Even all the WS on here would say that the WS has to do much more than the BS to recon!? Try following what the "Every WS should know" for a start! He should know after 19 years I am prone to rants as well! All my ex work colleagues have known it and no-one upset me as much as he has!

 

Course there's no guarantees. But I do know if he doesn't understand what he's done and not just the affair = hurt and breakdown of trust and love then it's over because he will never be truly remorseful and won't be able to put things right and I won't be able to stop bringing stuff up purely because he doesn't understand. Saw a line about "It is difficult to forgive 10 gallons of hurt when your spouse is only asking for a pint of forgiveness" I think that's very apt.

 

Shall I stop ranting now? It was a bad day yesterday and I'm still cross but its actually nothing to do with the affair - I want to go and slap someone. Another trust issue but nothing to do with this lol! But I was very good and didn't take it out on him. Normally I probably would lol! Work that one out!

Edited July 18, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Spark1111]

two things come to mind QOS....

 

First, are you in IC? My FWH's affair triggered childhood issues I thought I had dealt with.

 

I had not and I was angry for those too and aiming them at him. With the help of a good counselor, I was able to see what was truly affair related, and what was being confused with unfinished business from years ago.

 

For me, that was a huge distinction to recognize.

 

Secondly, I read the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES and realized I love words of affirmation but he loves acts of service.

 

How we show love is how we perceive it being given to us.

 

What is his love language? What is your's? If far apart, communications can easily come to an impasse unless to give him his language and hopefully, he gives you your's....

[Queen of Sheba]

two things come to mind QOS....

 

First, are you in IC? My FWH's affair triggered childhood issues I thought I had dealt with.

 

I had not and I was angry for those too and aiming them at him. With the help of a good counselor, I was able to see what was truly affair related, and what was being confused with unfinished business from years ago.

 

For me, that was a huge distinction to recognize.

 

Secondly, I read the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES and realized I love words of affirmation but he loves acts of service.

 

How we show love is how we perceive it being given to us.

 

What is his love language? What is your's? If far apart, communications can easily come to an impasse unless to give him his language and hopefully, he gives you your's....

Interesting. Had a couple of IC sessions but I don't have childhood issues. They were about how I felt and what I could do.

 

Love. Well I like to hear "I love you" more than I do that's for sure. Before this I said it loads most days and in texts etc. Rarely did I get it from him. I'd get the "I love you too" but rarely, if ever first. I'd like some romance, never ever get it. I have tried many times. I gave huge bundles of support while he had depression not knowing he was ****ting on me from a great height. He thinks now its just flowers and meals, taking time off work and wanting to make love. He's learning its a lot more and that support is a big part, particularly doing the difficut things, that's what shows love. I must have loved him when I dealt with his depression that's for sure, easy it was not! I had to understand how depression affected him and take being treated appallingly because I loved him, so I feel he show me at least the same concern out of both love and remorse. Especially as I deserve the support he didn't! It was his choices! So whilst I understand 2 people may show love in different ways I still think he has to learn to show it in other ways, firstly wanting to understand what he's done and how I feel. I would say though that we hug a lot though that's two way.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[So happy together]

QoS,

 

How long has it been since he ended the affair?

[Queen of Sheba]

QoS,

 

How long has it been since he ended the affair?

3 months all nc there won't be I 'm 99% sure

[So happy together]

3 months all nc there won't be I 'm 99% sure

 

That's still pretty new. Give it some time. I watched a movie recently about Jack Nicholson having an affair. He told his W "you can't take it's temperature every five minutes to see if the fever is still there". Maybe just try to live life as normally as possible and not let the affair get in the way all the time. Or have times when you can talk about it? You've got to give both of you a break from the insanity of it. Hang in there.

[Queen of Sheba]

Confused - sorry you do mean do deserve don't you! Deserve the unselfishness 100% of the time. I was taking it to mean do deserve the **** we are taking! d'oh!

 

Well, he's reading again, so positive sign it might start to sink in soon.

 

I'm going to take someone's advice from another thread too and not talk about it at w/es. Tends to be the time we relax and have a drink so doubly a good idea!

Edited July 18, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Confused48]

Yes, I meant we do deserve a truly remorseful spouse that does the heavy lifting to make things better.

 

Sounds like you did a mini 180. Call it a 90? lol. I think you need a 180.

 

But maybe you need to do what I did first. That is to suffer a whole lot of fake remorse and half hearted efforts to make things right. Suffer that till you can't take it anymore and you snap. I hope not. But that is what happened to me.

[Queen of Sheba]

Well, the last counselling session was good. WS has now read the doc twice lol. It apears to be sinking in, certainly not fully but perhaps getting there. We found out that we were both wanting more attention, and him sex me romance (which might have led to more sex of course!!!) the lovingness that had just gone, years and years ago I miss. I always used to joke "when you loved me you..." that joke is a little difficult to do now...!

 

We spoke about this forum, she seems to think anything that helps is good but that forums can also be negative in that one can think oh I should feel this and that and that if everyone says 2 - 5 years then it must be and it won't help. I see her point, but I am strong willed! I make my own decisions. WS agrees with her of course but was stuck when I said I picked up a tip not to talk about it at the w/e. He can't have it both ways lol!

 

Seen a thread about "What is the sex life after the affair?" Looks hopeful lol! Would like to see some of that romance and lovingness (the "I love you's" picked up and dropped off after d day!) from him I know that! Early days, lets see.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Queen of Sheba