My progress thread

[youngnlove89]

I wanted to create this thread as my own personal journal. A place where I can come and write my feelings out, write letters to him (instead of sending them), gather information and advice and use it to help me push through this tough time.

 

You are welcome to read, comment, bash, whatever.

 

I want to be able to go back one day and read this and see how I pulled through so that if I have to go through it again, it's a reminder to myself that I can get through it.

 

Day Four:

 

Last night I woke up at 1:00 AM, my heart was racing and my mind was spinning. I texted my friend who is always up late and he was there to listen to my ramblings about R. He told me it sounds like R feels like he HAS to be with me because of my past, because he is afraid that if he leaves me he will hurt me. He feels entitled to stay. He told me it would be good to write something to him. So I wrote this, but don't worry, I won't send it:

 

R,

 

It is clear to me that you are in this predicament because you are scared of hurting me. What has happened to me in my past you should not take any guilt for. That is not your responsibility. I don't want to be that burden that you feel like you have to carry around. I am a big girl and I can face this on my own whether you are here or not.

 

Don't stay with me just because you are afraid of hurting me. In fact, in the long run, giving me false hope is more painful. If you are not 100% happy to be with me, if you are not 100% sure I'm the one, then it is okay to walk away from something that is not love. I would respect you even more in knowing the difference.

 

Love is not questioning our intentions. Love is knowing what you want without needing time and space to figure it out. Don't base your decision because you are scared of hurting me, base your decision on how you feel, base it on how you want to spend your life. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what makes you happy, life is too short to do otherwise.

 

I know this letter sounds stupid to many, but it really felt good to get it out of my mind and on to paper. I have not forgotten the deceit. This was coming from a part of me before the deceit. It was a question I always had. Was he staying with me because he felt sorry for me? Was he afraid I would commit suicide?

 

R is fearful. He puts on a mean big demeanor that he is this tough, strong man that faces his fears. But he isn't, he is the opposite. He is a coward. He is a p.ssy. He is a wimp. When things get hard, when things get scary, he runs. He hides. He crawls into his shell. Instead of facing the fight, the big monster starting at him, he finds comfort in running away. Falling off the face of earth. Leaving me.

 

I ask myself, 'is this the guy I want to be with', a guy who constantly runs away when the going gets tough? Who I can't communicate with without him feeling attacked? Where the only plausible solution for him is to push me away? No. I can't do that.

 

But after saying all this, I realized I'm the coward. I'm afraid. I know what I need to do, I know I need to face this BIG monster, I know I need to move on. But I'm afraid of my own battle.

 

I'm afraid of the devastation after this war.

[sweetkiwi]

I know that yyou need comfort, but trust me, do not take solace in any members of the opposite sex, unless they are gay. You are extremely sensitive right now and emotional, it is very easy to develop feelings where they may not have been before. And unfortunately some men will take that as an opportunity to get closer/fhuck you. I have experienced this myself so I speak from experience.

 

You are 24 I assume. I am only 26 but in the last year I have grown exponentially, trust that you will too. Stay strong and be true to yourself. And NEVER underestimate that strength, I can see it in the way you write at times, You are not a pussy pushover, don't act like one.

 

((((((((HUGZ))))))))

[Emilia]

I'm afraid of the devastation after this war.

 

My personal opinion is that you spend too much time on LS posting about yourself, your thoughts, your emotions. You dwell constantly and you focus on yourself too much. I think you would benefit from spending more time outdoors and being distracted from being wrapped up in yourself so much constantly.

[youngnlove89]

My personal opinion is that you spend too much time on LS posting about yourself, your thoughts, your emotions. You dwell constantly and you focus on yourself too much. I think you would benefit from spending more time outdoors and being distracted from being wrapped up in yourself so much constantly.

 

Thanks. I do get out. I just went to the mall and movies the other day with my friend. I went to my dads and had a barbeque with family. This weekend I'm going home to catch up with friends. Tonight I'm going to the gym. I come on here during work. My job is boring. That's why it seems like I'm on here all the time. I do have a life. And we are all wrapped up in ourselves...

P.S. it's over 110 degree here, outside stuff is a big N-O!

[youngnlove89]

I know that yyou need comfort, but trust me, do not take solace in any members of the opposite sex, unless they are gay. You are extremely sensitive right now and emotional, it is very easy to develop feelings where they may not have been before. And unfortunately some men will take that as an opportunity to get closer/fhuck you. I have experienced this myself so I speak from experience.

 

You are 24 I assume. I am only 26 but in the last year I have grown exponentially, trust that you will too. Stay strong and be true to yourself. And NEVER underestimate that strength, I can see it in the way you write at times, You are not a pussy pushover, don't act like one.

 

((((((((HUGZ))))))))

 

Yea. I could see where you are coming from. He just go out of a relationship himself. Him and I talk about the opposite sex. We have known each other for 5 years. Nothing is there. Nothing will ever be there.

 

Thank you though I don't want to be a pussy pushover, but isn't that what I've been?

[Emilia]

Thanks. I do get out. I just went to the mall and movies the other day with my friend. I went to my dads and had a barbeque with family. This weekend I'm going home to catch up with friends. Tonight I'm going to the gym. I come on here during work. My job is boring. That's why it seems like I'm on here all the time. I do have a life. And we are all wrapped up in ourselves...

P.S. it's over 110 degree here, outside stuff is a big N-O!

Not all of us wrapped up in ourselves, no.

 

I'm not saying you should not be here, it's the sujbect matter that I personally think you could do without. I'm here during work hours too for similar reasons as you are but I engage with people in different ways, try to help others, etc. I'm not saying my way is the right way, I'm just saying there are healthier ways to engage with people.

 

But it's just my 2 cents of course.

[sweetkiwi]

Yea. I could see where you are coming from. He just go out of a relationship himself. Him and I talk about the opposite sex. We have known each other for 5 years. Nothing is there. Nothing will ever be there.

 

Thank you though I don't want to be a pussy pushover, but isn't that what I've been?

When you are emotionally compromised many strange things can happen, so attraction or not, believe me, it can happen. Don't you have girlfriends you can talk to? Talk to them.

 

I think you have been a pushover, because you believe it's for a good cause, LOVE. But at what cost? Losing yourself, your self respect, your strength, for some dude who told you that he won't stop seeing his ex...?

[youngnlove89]

When you are emotionally compromised many strange things can happen, so attraction or not, believe me, it can happen. Don't you have girlfriends you can talk to? Talk to them.

 

I think you have been a pushover, because you believe it's for a good cause, LOVE. But at what cost? Losing yourself, your self respect, your strength, for some dude who told you that he won't stop seeing his ex...?

 

I used to have girl friends. They all moved away or just faded from my life. I'm much better with male friends.

 

I am a pushover. I let him walk on me. He knows it. That's why he thinks he can get away with it. Come back. I'll be here, waiting...

 

I don't want to be that person. But I'm fighting with my own internal dialogue, my constant battle with "I want him" and then "How could I want him, I can do better!" and then "No wait, I'll miss him, my heart hurts" and then "he is a coward, he is mean, I hate him"

[youngnlove89]

Not all of us wrapped up in ourselves, no.

 

I'm not saying you should not be here, it's the sujbect matter that I personally think you could do without. I'm here during work hours too for similar reasons as you are but I engage with people in different ways, try to help others, etc. I'm not saying my way is the right way, I'm just saying there are healthier ways to engage with people.

 

But it's just my 2 cents of course.

 

Okay, well thank you for your opinion. We are all different from one another, this here proves it.

 

I guess it just depends where you are at in your life. Me and you are in different parts of our life. You may be happy and content, I'm not.

[sweetkiwi]

I used to have girl friends. They all moved away or just faded from my life. I'm much better with male friends.

 

I am a pushover. I let him walk on me. He knows it. That's why he thinks he can get away with it. Come back. I'll be here, waiting...

 

I don't want to be that person. But I'm fighting with my own internal dialogue, my constant battle with "I want him" and then "How could I want him, I can do better!" and then "No wait, I'll miss him, my heart hurts" and then "he is a coward, he is mean, I hate him"

I used to be like that too, it is very hard for me to make new female friends here, but what's even harder is having male friends who may or may not be constantly trying to bone you. Not worth the stress.

 

It's normal to have this dialogue. But you know what you need to do, don't let you talk you out of it, or I'll kick your ass .

[youngnlove89]

I used to be like that too, it is very hard for me to make new female friends here, but what's even harder is having male friends who may or may not be constantly trying to bone you. Not worth the stress.

 

It's normal to have this dialogue. But you know what you need to do, don't let you talk you out of it, or I'll kick your ass .

 

haha thank you! I wish I had a girl friend like you around here! I think that's my problem, I don't have that group of girls to go hang out with. I miss that.

 

I'm staying strong with NC, I'm just trying to cope with this pain I feel from it. The anxiety is bad.

[youngnlove89]

1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
   
2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.
   
3. Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.
   
4. I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
   
5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame
   
6. Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
   
7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
   
8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
   
9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to calm mind.
   
10. When triggered, I shall give myself a 90 second time out for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.
    
11. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
    
12. He’s just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
    
13. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
    
14. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
    
15. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
    
16. I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
    
17. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
    
18. I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural seratonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
    
19. When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
    
20. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
    
21. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
    
22. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
    

Resource: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break

[youngnlove89]

I’ve taken a lot of time actively thinking about the predicament we are facing. My concerns are that you are friends with a girl you used to be intimate with. The fact that you feel you still need her in her life, concerns me. It concerns me even more that you don’t take consideration into my feelings and anxieties about this. You basically told me if I don’t like it, leave. Whenever I was faced with your concerns towards Steven, Brent, Chase etc. My priority was to make sure you were comfortable because I care about your feelings. I offered you to meet them; I even stopped hanging out with Brent since you clearly weren’t happy about it. My relationship is more important to me then some guy I don’t have feelings for. And that is why you have immense trust for me. I have nothing to hide.

 

Sabrina is an ex for a reason. I am that girl in your life that she used to be. The fact that you still need to go out with her, drink beer, sleep in hotel rooms together, hike with, why can’t I provide you that quality time? What does she give you that I don’t?

 

When you and Melissa hung out, I was so okay with that. Why? Because you let me met her. You didn’t keep it behind my back. You didn’t lie to me about her. She had no intimate past with you. My anxieties and fears were washed away because you were honest with me about her. I’m okay with you having friends that are girls, not ex girlfriends. I believe ex’s are an ex for a reason. And it’s not healthy to bring that into another relationship. A relationship is between two people, not two people and an ex.

 

Another thing that worries me is how I asked if I could meet her and you said, “HA! I’d love to see how that would pan out!” As if it was a joke to you. This leads me to the internal dialogue “why doesn’t he want me to meet her?” It makes me question if she even knows about our situation, if you told her that we are together. This enforces more doubt and insecurity.

 

Maybe you are having this internal conflict because you are scared of hurting me if you chose her over me. Maybe you don’t want to give her up. Maybe you are really just friends. But you have an intimate past; I don’t see how that works when you bring that into our relationship.

 

You asked me how I would feel about you guys hanging out a month from now to go hiking or for beers. I guess I’m just not sure if I’m okay with that. I think my anxiety about it confirms that I am not okay with it. And I guess if that means that we can’t be together because it’s not option that she isn’t in your life, than I guess that is what I have to accept.

 

If she is so important to you that your friendship with her comes before my feelings than I don’t want to be a part of it.

[mercuryshadow]

1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
   
2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.
   
3. Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.
   
4. I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
   
5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame
   
6. Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
   
7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
   
8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
   
9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to calm mind.
   
10. When triggered, I shall give myself a 90 second time out for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.
    
11. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
    
12. He’s just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
    
13. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
    
14. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
    
15. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
    
16. I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
    
17. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
    
18. I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural seratoninand dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
    
19. When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
    
20. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
    
21. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
    
22. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
    

Resource: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break

I shared with you my story in the cheating forum yesterday... strikingly similar to yours in some ways. I wanted to ask - do you feel there may be a correlation between this unbalanced relationship and chemical imbalance? I was also someone with terrible anxiety while I was involved with my ex. I was speaking with my therapist recently, reflecting, and he explained to me how the situation had caused my brain to be sending out massive amounts of chemicals at times to compensate for the high levels of stress I was under. I don't have that stress anymore, and don't need medication to balance me. After the relationship, the symptoms of the anxiety waned slowly until they were nearly gone.

[youngnlove89]

I shared with you my story in the cheating forum yesterday... strikingly similar to yours in some ways. I wanted to ask - do you feel there may be a correlation between this unbalanced relationship and chemical imbalance? I was also someone with terrible anxiety while I was involved with my ex. I was speaking with my therapist recently, reflecting, and he explained to me how the situation had caused my brain to be sending out massive amounts of chemicals at times to compensate for the high levels of stress I was under. I don't have that stress anymore, and don't need medication to balance me. After the relationship, the symptoms of the anxiety waned slowly until they were nearly gone.

 

It is very possible. I wouldn't know. I haven't had a decent amount of time away from him to notice any difference. I am worried, stressed, wondering, anxious, concerned, not confident with him because I always have questions and he doesn't give me what I want. He doesn't care about my feelings or he would have stopped seeing this ex girlfriend.

 

But I will say my anxiety has been at it's worse since this whole incident with the ex.

[youngnlove89]

I'm just so ANGRY! I don't know how to deal with this. I'm stuck at work and all I want to do is blow off this steam. He still hasn't called which means it still doesn't give me a chance to ignore him.

 

How can I gain my power/control back? How can I calm this anger?

[youngnlove89]

I don't smoke, but I feel like smoking a pack right now. I don't drink, but I feel like having a margarita.

 

I don't fight, but I feel like punching him in the face.

[mercuryshadow]

It is very possible. I wouldn't know. I haven't had a decent amount of time away from him to notice any difference. I am worried, stressed, wondering, anxious, concerned, not confident with him because I always have questions and he doesn't give me what I want. He doesn't care about my feelings or he would have stopped seeing this ex girlfriend.

 

But I will say my anxiety has been at it's worse since this whole incident with the ex.

 

 

youngnlove, I really think it's something you should give a large amount of consideration to. Your bodily responses are indicating that your brain is telling you that there is something wrong - and there is.

[youngnlove89]

My chest hurts. I'm having palpitations. Insomnia. Anxiety. Lethargic. Dizzy. No appetite.

 

It's not fair.

 

My friend is coming over right now, renting a chick flick and we are just going to hang out. I need to be around someone. I can't be alone during this.

[USMCHokie]

My friend is coming over right now, renting a chick flick and we are just going to hang out. I need to be around someone. I can't be alone during this.

 

I hope this is not a man-friend...

 

But chick flicks are fun.

[sweetkiwi]

I hope this is not a man-friend...

 

 

But chick flicks are fun.

 

[youngnlove89]

My heart is broken this morning. It's been 5 days. I called him last night. No answer. Texted. Nothing.

 

I hate when someone ignores you.

 

I hate that I can't sleep or eat or focus.

 

I just keep looking at my phone.

 

But I got my confirmation. I got my answer.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

[youngnlove89]

I had a dream I punched you in the face. Although I wouldn't do that in real life, it felt good to hurt you.

 

As I piece the puzzle together it makes sense. You did cheat. It all makes sense now. What I didn't see before, is clear now. Guys don't hide things behind their gf's back. They don't see ex gfs and lie about it. You were ****ing her. You cheated on me with her. And she probably has no idea about me. The reason you are ignoring me is because you got caught and you are pissed. You don't have any guilt, you are incapable of emotion. You just are angry your secret is out. Ignoring me is my closure. Ignoring me is my answer. You are a COWARD and can't tell me you cheated because you still want me too. You want to use me. You want me when she isn't around.

 

The only positive thing I can muster from this situation right now is that I no longer have to wonder or worry what you are doing behind my back.

 

You are her problem now. Not mine.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

My heart is broken this morning. It's been 5 days. I called him last night. No answer. Texted. Nothing.

 

I hate when someone ignores you.

 

I hate that I can't sleep or eat or focus.

 

I just keep looking at my phone.

 

But I got my confirmation. I got my answer.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Ok hon you need to re read your list, this is cycling and not good. Your list was great, and right. Stop doing this. You come off as desperate and a stalker and it isn't good for your healing.

 

First delete and block him from everywhere (phone, text, Facebook, email). You have your answer and waiting, hoping, checking, is obsession and bad for you. Do this because you are not strong enough yet.

 

He is not your boyfriend

 

He is not your friend

 

He does not have your best interests at heart.

 

You need to do positive things to help yourself.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
   
2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.
   
3. Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.
   
4. I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
   
5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame
   
6. Instead of thinking, I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
   
7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
   
8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not him.
   
9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see him and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to calm mind.
   
10. When triggered, I shall give myself a 90 second time out for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.
    
11. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
    
12. He’s just not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
    
13. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
    
14. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
    
15. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
    
16. I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
    
17. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
    
18. I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural seratonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
    
19. When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
    
20. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
    
21. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
    
22. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
    

Resource: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201208/coping-distress-and-agony-after-break

 

Read it, esp the bolded parts.