My progress thread

[bdizzle]

I bet you he broke up with me because I asked to meet his "friend" and he knew that couldn't happen because he was cheating on me with her. He knew he couldn't hide it anymore. He knew me meeting her was out of the question because he was lying. He can't lose both of us!!!!

 

I know it.

 

Quite possibly. The odds of you two meeting though unless by chance was slim to none. That went out the door when he said shes going to be in my life regardless. Probably before that. You just don't say that to people your fully committed to. Its quite the opposite. You cant wait for people to meet that special someone in your life.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Young

 

Repeat after me...he's a dirtbag...he's a dirtbag...he's a dirtbag, whatever his excuses are excuses, not reasons,

 

You are too good for him.

 

BLOCK HIM from everything.

 

Get healthy, work hard in therapy, take your meds, be happy.

 

Now move on...the best revenge is a life well lived.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm just so wrecked beyond any of this. I'm so emotionally unstable with life and now I've been left by someone I thought loved me, someone I thought could change. He lied to me this whole time.

 

Stop cycling.

 

Nothing is different from before. Same dirtbag.

[youngnlove89]

MY biggest problem is cycling.

 

I get angry, then sad, then I'm okay. Then repeat.

 

I wish my session was sooner. I need help.

[bdizzle]

I'm just so wrecked beyond any of this. I'm so emotionally unstable with life and now I've been left by someone I thought loved me, someone I thought could change. He lied to me this whole time.

 

 

Yes, you probably have been lied to for quite some time. Now, first step, accepting the excuses/thoughts/reasons and focus on putting yourself back together.

 

I do have to add though, yes, you've been left by someone you thought loved you. Regardless if you were going to follow through or not, you were going to attempt to leave him remember? He just beat you to it. Nows your chance to follow through with it. He left.

 

As far as change...ugh...people don't change. Mannerisms and actions do and even that is a rarity. Fake facades only last for so long then right back to who originally existed. Might as well forget the "thought he could change." Its time for you to "change" your thinking. Why he left, why you allowed it, etc. I dont want to sit here and say time to move forward! because frankly its not going to happen overnight. This is going to be a process and saying move forward right this instant is just plain patronizing, but it is time to readjust to the situation you're now in, grieve as much as you need to, but also realize its the beginning of something else.

[bdizzle]

MY biggest problem is cycling.

 

I get angry, then sad, then I'm okay. Then repeat.

 

I wish my session was sooner. I need help.

 

FOcus on that next week. Help is on the way. In the mean time, post, cry, yell, call friends, gym, whatever to get you to the next 24 hours. It sounds so stupid but really, looking forward to something, a small anything the next day really does help. 6 hours until bed! 15 hours until friend text about his californian sexual conquests, 24 hours until gym, 48 hours until friends bday, 72 hours until pool/weekend shenanigans, etc.

[youngnlove89]

9pm Wednesday

 

My ex showed up at my door with my birthday present just now.

 

He came in. I smiled and said Hi. He said "hey, I gotta make this quick, I gotta be somewhere." I said confidently, "Okay that's fine."

 

I gave him his shirt he left behind and he gave me my present. I put the present on the table and looked at him and said "thank you" with a smile gesturing him that it's okay to leave now. He looked at me and asked, "Open it!" I said, "No, I will when you leave" He said, "why?" I said "because I just want to" He said, "I drove all the way out here for you and you won't open it?" I said, "yes". He jokingly said, "I'm going to take it back if you don't open it," with a cocky smirk on his face. We both laughed shyly. (the real reason I couldn't open it was because I knew I would cry)

 

I said, "I'll text you later and tell you how much I love it. Thank you so much for the present, it means a lot."

 

We hugged. Then he left.

 

I go to my room and open the gift. It was a pink camera I wanted awhile back. I loved it, I told him how I kept looking for a pink camera to buy, I'm surprised he remembered. Inside the box was a fake spider. We always joked with each other and tried to scare one another. This time I didn't find it funny. I just cried. How could he try to be humorous when I was hurting? How come I couldn't find it funny?

 

In the box was the order form from Amazon. He purchased it on July 12. The same day we had our fight and I accused him of cheating on me.

 

Later that night.

After he left, it was very difficult for me. I spoke to my mom awhile on the phone and I spoke to a few different friends and all told them what happened. All of them were confused. Why did this guy break up with you and then come over to give you your gift? Why did this guy break up with you and then tell you he still wants to go on your birthday trip? This isn't right.

 

I eventually fell asleep and then I woke up at 1am. I thought I was having a heart attack. My pulse was fast, but my breathing was slow and deep. I just felt "doomed". I kept looking at my phone and questioning whether I should call 911 or not. I got very dizzy, but I was so tired I could hardly move. I walked to the bathroom and started throwing up. It was all just bile and dry heaving. Awful. For an hour, I threw up. Every time I thought of my ex, I got this overbearing feeling that just made me feel like I was going to die from a broken heart.

 

I kept thinking about my rape and how I am alone now. I have no one to hold me intimately and tell me he is there to protect me. It was a very sad feeling. How am I going to tell the next guy what happened to me? My ex was there for me when it happened. He took me to the police station, he supported me and loved me. He was now attached to this awful memory I will always carry. I felt lost and abandoned. The same way I felt when my rapist left after the deed was done.

 

I then called my mom at 2am just panicked asking her what I should do. She said I was probably just very upset and anxious. We talked until 3am and she helped calm me down. I seriously don't know what I would do without my mom. She is a beautiful loving person and she is my rock. My concrete. My support.

 

We talked about how the night ended with my ex and I. She reminded me that he comes from a family that was a little messed up. His mom left his dad when he was young. He watched his mom bring in boyfriend after boyfriend while his dad suffered. His dad has EXTREME OCD to the point where his life is altered from it. He is the type to have to turn the door 7 times before he can leave or flip the money over each side 10 times before he can set it down on the table. I witnessed it. He doesn't have a mom like mine. He doesn't have a normal dad. He hates his mother. He probably has talked to her five times in the last 10 years.

 

My mom said something that really stuck with me. She said that my ex will have the same respect for women as he does his mother. So in turn he psychological controls woman because he hates his mom. I could go further into this, but I don't have the knowledge to understand it or even explain it. But I believe it. I think there is a strong connection with his childhood that effects how he treats me or other women.

 

I finally went back to sleep for a couple hours and here I am. I am weak today, physically. After the last week I have lost 5 pounds. My body is screaming for help. I realized this is something I cannot do by myself. I am extremely excited for my first appointment with my psychologist. I have a whole entire binder of notes from LS that I have gathered over the year of being here. I am hoping one day I can turn it into a book. If not, it will definitely be a beautiful thing to look back on. I can see that I'll be okay in the end. I just have to find a way through.

[youngnlove89]

I just found out my best friend that I've known since 2nd grade is joining me in the trip my ex was supposed to go on. I am so excited. It will be so much fun and it will really help me enjoy my time without having to think so much about my ex and what it would've been like if he was there. I won't be so lonely!

 

My ex still thinks he is going on this trip with me. I don't know what to do when the time gets closer and he asks what's going on. Do I just ignore him or say I invited someone else?

[Els]

I just found out my best friend that I've known since 2nd grade is joining me in the trip my ex was supposed to go on. I am so excited. It will be so much fun and it will really help me enjoy my time without having to think so much about my ex and what it would've been like if he was there. I won't be so lonely!

 

My ex still thinks he is going on this trip with me. I don't know what to do when the time gets closer and he asks what's going on. Do I just ignore him or say I invited someone else?

 

Honestly? I'm not sure it really matters.

 

I think what would matter more, is to try and take your mind off him. Stop thinking about what you should do with regard to him - simply think about what would be best for YOU. Plan your trip, talk about it, think about it. Don't worry about what you'll do if your ex asks you about it. He's just trying to keep you on the back burner.

[youngnlove89]

Honestly? I'm not sure it really matters.

 

I think what would matter more, is to try and take your mind off him. Stop thinking about what you should do with regard to him - simply think about what would be best for YOU. Plan your trip, talk about it, think about it. Don't worry about what you'll do if your ex asks you about it. He's just trying to keep you on the back burner.

 

I understand. But I need to do something. I can either ignore it or simply tell him he is no longer invited. I don't know what is best for this situation. In the end, I have to do something. I guess I just want to know what would make ME look better?

[Els]

I understand. But I need to do something. I can either ignore it or simply tell him he is no longer invited. I don't know what is best for this situation. In the end, I have to do something. I guess I just want to know what would make ME look better?

 

That was what I was trying to get at. It doesn't MATTER what looks better to him. His opinion should not matter to you.

 

When or if the time comes, just do whatever you think best at the time. There is little purpose in spending time contemplating on hypotheticals involving the ex, if you're trying to get over them.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I just found out my best friend that I've known since 2nd grade is joining me in the trip my ex was supposed to go on. I am so excited. It will be so much fun and it will really help me enjoy my time without having to think so much about my ex and what it would've been like if he was there. I won't be so lonely!

 

My ex still thinks he is going on this trip with me. I don't know what to do when the time gets closer and he asks what's going on. Do I just ignore him or say I invited someone else?

 

Young,

 

I WS under the impression you told him you did not want him to go on the trip? No? Well no matter.

 

1. Send him an email i am going to start the draft for you.

 

Dirtbag,

Thank you for the camera. I will use it when I go on my birthday vacation trip. I have invited a friend to join me and I am looking forward to going.

 

Thank you for being there for me during my difficult times.

 

It is time for me to move on as I know you already have, so I am asking you to give me the space I need to heal and no longer contact me.

 

Young

 

2. Call your MD and see if they can give you some anxiety meds to get you through until you meet with your counselor.

 

3. Try to eat small meals, like a little yogurt, something with protein. Drink water.

 

4. BLOCK Dirtbag.

 

Your Mom sounds awesome and insightful.

 

You are doing just fine.

(Mom hugs)

[youngnlove89]

Young,

 

I WS under the impression you told him you did not want him to go on the trip? No? Well no matter.

 

1. Send him an email i am going to start the draft for you.

 

Dirtbag,

Thank you for the camera. I will use it when I go on my birthday vacation trip. I have invited a friend to join me and I am looking forward to going.

 

Thank you for being there for me during my difficult times.

 

It is time for me to move on as I know you already have, so I am asking you to give me the space I need to heal and no longer contact me.

 

Young

 

2. Call your MD and see if they can give you some anxiety meds to get you through until you meet with your counselor.

 

3. Try to eat small meals, like a little yogurt, something with protein. Drink water.

 

4. BLOCK Dirtbag.

 

Your Mom sounds awesome and insightful.

 

You are doing just fine.

(Mom hugs)

 

Haha at the letter.

 

I didn't tell him he wasn't invited anymore, I said I'll let him know. Even though I knew he wasn't going, my mom doesn't want him going. As far as sending a letter, I'm not sure if I want to do that. I think I might just wait for his text asking about the trip. If he does, I'll just say "I'm sorry, I decided I don't want you there anymore. I have invited someone else to join me, but thank you for the camera, I will use it on my trip."

 

And thank you for the hug.

[LostGirl11]

I just found out my best friend that I've known since 2nd grade is joining me in the trip my ex was supposed to go on. I am so excited. It will be so much fun and it will really help me enjoy my time without having to think so much about my ex and what it would've been like if he was there. I won't be so lonely!

 

My ex still thinks he is going on this trip with me. I don't know what to do when the time gets closer and he asks what's going on. Do I just ignore him or say I invited someone else?

 

So he beat you to it. Why didn't you end it sooner? Were you kind of hoping he would call you, to 'talk' and sort things out?

 

I think you should just text/email him now, don't even mention your birthday trip. If he has any brain cells he would know he isn't invited. Tell him that you don't want to hear from him again, that you need to move on, say good bye, for good. Otherwise, he'll beat you to that too. Or he'll just go silent and leave you wondering, which will give you too much time to think.

 

I'm with you with the whole being sick thing, my body is crying out for food but I just can't eat. I'm wiped out 24/7.

[youngnlove89]

So he beat you to it. Why didn't you end it sooner? Were you kind of hoping he would call you, to 'talk' and sort things out?

 

I don't know anymore. I guess I wanted control.

 

I think you should just text/email him now, don't even mention your birthday trip. If he has any brain cells he would know he isn't invited. Tell him that you don't want to hear from him again, that you need to move on, say good bye, for good. Otherwise, he'll beat you to that too. Or he'll just go silent and leave you wondering, which will give you too much time to think.

 

I thought it was better to not say anything. Don't let them know it's bothering you. When they text, then say something. I won't text until he does. And I'll just be distant: "I decided I don't want you there anymore, You are no longer invited." That's it. Be frank and short.

 

I'm with you with the whole being sick thing, my body is crying out for food but I just can't eat. I'm wiped out 24/7.

 

Tell me about it. I'm still throwing up bile this morning. I can't even keep water down. What do I do?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Haha at the letter.

 

I didn't tell him he wasn't invited anymore, I said I'll let him know. Even though I knew he wasn't going, my mom doesn't want him going. As far as sending a letter, I'm not sure if I want to do that. I think I might just wait for his text asking about the trip. If he does, I'll just say "I'm sorry, I decided I don't want you there anymore. I have invited someone else to join me, but thank you for the camera, I will use it on my trip."

 

And thank you for the hug.

 

You do what you need to, but you need to block him (chat, email, cell, google chat, whatever)

 

This is specifically why...each time he reaches out, or doesn't, it causes you pain and sets you back.

 

If you set it up so that you do not even KNOW and so you are not impacted by the push pull. Really this is for you. Remove the hope that he may call. Bloom how much his call and visit negatively impacted you.

 

Your choice not his. You take control.

 

Don't give him the power to hurt you any more.

[Keke1]

QUOTE=youngnlove89;5048061]No, I only drank coffee today. I have no appetite and my anxiety is bad. My stomach keeps sinking and I get this chill that runs through my body when I think about him and her.

 

I thought about it today. Fact is, I haven't been the most honest person either.

 

I've been doing exactly what he has been doing. Leaving out details. I've hung out with a couple of guy friends and one stayed the night (slept on the couch) and another one came over and watched a movie with me (we didn't sit next to each other). It was all purely platonic. I didn't tell my boyfriend those little details because I knew he would freak out and take it the wrong way. It would create a fight, grow insecurity for him, and cause drama. So I kept it from him. I've also been chatting with an ex. We were never bf/gf but dated. Just like his situation. We haven't hung out yet, but I didn't tell my ex about this guy because he would wonder. Me and this guy I used to date are just friends and nothing more. We just chat every once and awhile and haven't gotten the chance to hang out yet because of scheduling conflicts. I never planned to tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't think it would be a big deal. But if he wanted to meet him, I would love to make that happen. The guy is a really cool guy, he'd like him. We both are just friendly and realized back then that we didn't have that "spark" but got along as friends instead.

 

So is this calling the kettle black?[/quote]

 

Someone likes drama. All this calling the dude out and you were doing the same thing. You're not a victim IMO. The relationship was turning bad if not already. Probably a good thing he's out of your life

[LostGirl11]

I don't know anymore. I guess I wanted control.

 

 

 

I thought it was better to not say anything. Don't let them know it's bothering you. When they text, then say something. I won't text until he does. And I'll just be distant: "I decided I don't want you there anymore, You are no longer invited." That's it. Be frank and short.

 

 

 

Tell me about it. I'm still throwing up bile this morning. I can't even keep water down. What do I do?

 

I say let him know where you both stand, otherwise you'll be waiting for him to reach out which will make you anxious. Then he'll reach out....then you'll wait again, then he'll reach out....you get the picture? You'll be going round in a vicious cycle for god knows how long.

[youngnlove89]

I say let him know where you both stand, otherwise you'll be waiting for him to reach out which will make you anxious. Then he'll reach out....then you'll wait again, then he'll reach out....you get the picture? You'll be going round in a vicious cycle for god knows how long.

 

You are right so I just sent him this:

 

Me: I decided I don't want you to come on my trip, I've invited my friend instead.

 

Him: I figured. Did u open your present

 

Me: (my number) Error: Invalid Number. Please re-send text message using a valid 10-digit number: I figured. Did u open your present

 

He hasn't replied.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You are right so I just sent him this:

 

Me: I decided I don't want you to come on my trip, I've invited my friend instead.

 

Him: I figured. Did u open your present

 

Me: (my number) Error: Invalid Number. Please re-send text message using a valid 10-digit number: I figured. Did u open your present

 

He hasn't replied.

 

Good job.

 

Block him

[youngnlove89]

I can't stop throwing up bile and it's foamy now.

 

I can't stop crying, I can't breathe.

 

I just want this pain to go away.

 

Why did he leave me?

 

I've never felt this heartbroken the other times we broke up

[Joyvke]

You did a really good job to say you're taking someone else for your birthday trip and you will have lots of fun .

 

Perhaps you feel like this because now it's more definite then previous times. But hun he isn't worth your time, your breath or even a look. He cheated on you. Cheating is one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. Yes you will feel lonely for a while, but you will be fine in the end. Just make a list like someone else did last week as well about the bad things. Hope you will feel better soon *cuddles*.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I can't stop throwing up bile and it's foamy now.

 

I can't stop crying, I can't breathe.

 

I just want this pain to go away.

 

Why did he leave me?

 

I've never felt this heartbroken the other times we broke up

 

 

It doesn't matter.

 

He is a dirtbag.He was a dirtbag yesterday, he will be a dirtbag tomorrow.

 

If you keep a bag of dirt around you don't get to have nice things, like a nice vacation and nice friends and a nice boyfriend who treats you nice.

 

Ok let's work on your health first. You MUST eat something. Yogurt, banana, oatmeal, toast, crackers, jello. Not optional. You need something in your stomach. You need to drink water. Little sips.

 

Did you call your doctor to get proper anti anxiety meds?

 

Call your Mom.

[iouaname]

I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time

 

One piece of advice that I have that helped me is that I think you should stop being so introspective. I used to constantly pick at things about myself, constantly seeing what I had to fix... I think when you stop doing that, even for a little while, the world gets a little easier.

[youngnlove89]

I've been off my Celexa for 2 days now and the panic attacks at night have stopped. I can actually sleep! I love it. Ever since I got on it, it was like my feelings were magnified.

 

Today, I feel much better. He is still in my thoughts, but it's subtle. I still get really sad sometimes if I think about it too much, but it doesn't last for long, since I am being more proactive with my mind. I'm trying to avoid the snow ball effect of thinking too much about him. Instead, I redirect my thoughts to better things. I remind myself that this is not my fault. That I will be happy again. That I will move on. That I am beautiful and I can do this.

 

I think sometimes we get comfortable with the pain, just as we got comfortable with them. We hold onto the pain because we associate the pain with them. If we let go of this pain, we let go of them. That's devastating to us. We don't want to let go of them because we can't accept it's over. We figure that if we hang on, they'll wake up. They'll come back. We don't see reality, because we are blinded by our fantasies. We are afraid of letting go because that means they will be gone, our minds can't translate that.

 

So until then we cling to this pain because this pain...is them.

 

Last night it poured. The rain was so calming and relaxing and there was thunder in the distance. It put me to sleep like a lullaby would a baby. It actually just started up again. It's so beautiful, I love the sound of it. I am thankful for the rain in times like these.

 

Today I'm going to get ready, get coffee and go visit my dad. Just be around someone, so I'm not alone. I want to move on. I am walking in the direction of happiness, I am proving to myself that I can do this. I don't have to be heartbroken.

 

Everyday I tell myself: Today is a beautiful day. I am happy. I am strong. I can get through this. I WILL get through this.

 

I am currently reading the book "women who love too much" I came across something that really hit home with me:

 

It is true for all of us that when an emotionally painful event occurs, and we tell ourselves it is our fault, we are actually saying that we have control of it: if we change, the pain will stop. This dynamic is behind much of the self-blame in women who love too much. By blaming ourselves, we hold on to the hope that we will be able to figure out what we are doing wrong and correct it, thereby controlling the situation and stopping the pain.

 

I kept feeling guilty. I kept thinking that it was my fault. I did something wrong. I would lay in bed and think if only I didn't do this or that, then maybe we would still be together. But I am wrong. So wrong. I did nothing. I was great. I did everything and more. He was wrong. It was him. He is the one who should be guilty. But in the end, it's not fair to put the guilt on anyone. We can't be mad at the people who chose not to love us or stay with us. For we all know that the heart wants what the heart wants and no one can control that. I do not hate him. Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way we planned. And with that, we should know that it's okay. It just means something better is in store.

 

I can't talk about him for long. It puts all the negative feelings back in my heart and I get really sad. He still follows my thoughts where ever I go, but I'm learning to control them and turn these thoughts into positive ones. Like why I deserve better and why it is a good thing he isn't here anymore...

 

Hopefully one day I start to believe what I say.

Edited July 21, 2013 by youngnlove89