My progress thread

[veggirl]

You need to actively change your thought process. Instead of "why did he leave me?" you need to wonder "why did I put up with him for so long?" I mean literally, when you wonder why he left, you STOP and you PURPOSELY change your thought. Work on why you put up with him, that is your issue and figuring THAT out will save you from future as.sholes like him.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER why he left. The end result is the SAME.

 

Focus on the internal--you. Not him!

When you think about him, MAKE yourself think about something else.

[youngnlove89]

I went to bed at 930pm last night woke up at 6am today. I didn't wake up once. I love it. I can sleep again. My appetite is slowing coming back. I don't cry as much.

 

Our fight was the 12th. We split on the 16th. Dropped off my present that night. That was it. It's been 6 days now. This isn't a shock to me, I knew this was coming, it was just a matter of WHEN.

 

I am so anxious for my appointment tomorrow with the psychologist. I really think that talking to a professional is what I need to overcome this, it will provide me the tools to let go and move on.

 

I am still sad and hurt, but I'm thriving. It's just like a pain that I carry with me. Nothing more. He is still there with me everyday in my thoughts, I carry him where ever I go. As I was going to work this morning, I drove by a car with an Oregon license plate (where he is from), then I drove by a similar motorcycle that he used to have, and then I drove by his exact black truck, but it wasn't his. At first I saw this all as a "sign", but then I realized it's just because I see him every where I go. He haunts me. Every thing reminds me of him.

 

I'm scared that on my Birthday things will be different. It was our trip we planned together and now I'm going alone. He wanted to come with me still, but that was too weird so I uninvited him. Then I felt guilty for doing that. But why should I feel guilty? He dumped me before my birthday. I needed to do this, he can't be there, it wouldn't work. It would just hurt me more.

 

What bothers me the most is how he will move on, meet other girls, love someone else, and one day even forget me...

 

I'm afraid he will forget the little things. The times I scratched his back, cuddled him in the morning, kissed his cheek, held his hand, scared him with the "dumb" spider he would call it, listen earnestly deep into his blue eyes, how he would grab my face and kiss me passionately, how I'd slap his butt as he walked by with cheap vulgar appreciation.

 

Will he remember I bought him his favorite cologne, which was my favorite cologne, every time he wears it? Will he remember me every time he eats Mexican food knowing it was my favorite? Will he remember when he passes the Cheesecake Factory, our favorite restaurant? Will he smile when he hears Pearl Jam, "Last Kiss"? How I introduced him to that song and he replayed a million times over claiming it was now his favorite song. Will he remember when he watches Despicable Me again? Will he smile every time he passes by a Starbucks knowing that he used to hate it until I gave him a sip of my coffee which he fell in love with? Will he remember me as cute and petite, witty, intelligent, sexy and funny?

 

I'll never know...

[youngnlove89]

I miss everything, but the breakup, and how he couldn't commit and how he he lied and left me.

 

I have already asked every question. There is nothing anyone can say or do to take this pain away. It is so helpless.

 

I have this heavy heart that weighs a ton and it just drags me down. Why do I miss a guy that doesn't care about me!?

 

My birthday is next Wednesday, how come I'm not excited?

 

Does he miss me?

[Drseussgrrl]

I miss everything, but the breakup, and how he couldn't commit and how he he lied and left me.

 

I have already asked every question. There is nothing anyone can say or do to take this pain away. It is so helpless.

 

I have this heavy heart that weighs a ton and it just drags me down. Why do I miss a guy that doesn't care about me!?

 

My birthday is next Wednesday, how come I'm not excited?

 

Does he miss me?

 

You have countless posts just like this all over LS following each one of your "break-ups". Come on now, it's dramatic. And you get all nostalgic after you're not mad anymore - then you rationalize getting back together.

 

Then you do.

 

I hope it's not the case and I'm not trying to be mean, but this is the exact same cycle we've seen you repeat on these boards for ages.

 

You remind me a lot of a girlfriend of mine whose boyfriend holds her to impossible standards and is quite passive aggressive about it. After every blowout she swears she's done, and I just roll my eyes because I know when it blows over everything will go back to the way it was.

 

I just feel like you've cried wolf one too many times and it doesn't seem this guy can do anything short of screwing another woman right in front of you that keeps you gone for good.

[Vikki_26]

Hi Young love is this the same guy a last year? Please tell me in brief whats happened since then? As it seems a long time for you to be having these same issues x

[youngnlove89]

Hi Young love is this the same guy a last year? Please tell me in brief whats happened since then? As it seems a long time for you to be having these same issues x

 

Well we weren't talking Dec 2012-Feb 2013. I got sexually assaulted, called him to help me. He did, showed up in tears and shaking when he found out. He was there for me 100%. Took me to the police station. Doctors visits. Helped me cope. Lived with him for a month too. We worked things out from Feb to now and then he lied to me about seeing an ex gf he dated before me. Told me she had a boyfriend and they just texted here and there. Little did I know, he lied about her having a boyfriend and lied about not hanging out with her. I caught him in a lie and he finally told me that they have hung out several times, but didn't tell me because he was afraid I would freak out about it and cause unnecessary drama. Well, him lying about it caused me to freak out. It made me feel like he was hiding something. So he left me after our huge fight over it. He came over and gave me birthday present and that was the last I saw him or heard from him. That was a week ago.

 

Just before this fight he told me how he loves me and wouldn't leave me, how I made him happy. Now I'm just left confused. I see a psychologist tomorrow. I'm trying hard to let this man go. It's so difficult for me. I'm not a bad person because of it, I just have a problem and I'm working on fixing it.

[youngnlove89]

You have countless posts just like this all over LS following each one of your "break-ups". Come on now, it's dramatic. And you get all nostalgic after you're not mad anymore - then you rationalize getting back together.

 

Then you do.

 

I hope it's not the case and I'm not trying to be mean, but this is the exact same cycle we've seen you repeat on these boards for ages.

 

You remind me a lot of a girlfriend of mine whose boyfriend holds her to impossible standards and is quite passive aggressive about it. After every blowout she swears she's done, and I just roll my eyes because I know when it blows over everything will go back to the way it was.

 

I just feel like you've cried wolf one too many times and it doesn't seem this guy can do anything short of screwing another woman right in front of you that keeps you gone for good.

 

I honestly don't know what you want me to say. You're right?

 

Do you not think I don't see this? I see it. It's painful. I'm working on it.

 

My heart is caught up with the wrong guy, don't punish me for it.

[iouaname]

Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man, or do your instincts tell you otherwise?

[youngnlove89]

Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man, or do your instincts tell you otherwise?

 

My instincts tell me otherwise. That's why I'm seeing a psychologist today to help me figure out what is going on and how I can move on from all of this. I'm very excited and nervous at the same time.

 

I woke up this morning very happy. Just felt relieved about everything. I don't have to worry about what he is doing anymore, I don't have to deal with his polar opposite schedule or wonder if he is going to invite me on the next vacation or if he is hanging out with his ex. It was just like a relief. She can have him and all the anxiety, stress and wondering that comes with him.

 

I still feel sad, but today I'm more happy than I am sad. And last night I woke up in a panic because I had a dream about him. But I fell back asleep almost right away. I think I just woke up with anxiety because of the dream or something. I'm not sure. Point is, the anxiety didn't last hardly 5 minutes, which is a good thing.

 

So today, I'm doing better. Every day gets a little easier.

[Mack05]

I feel RELIEVED! I was talking on the phone this morning to my mom and the first thing I told her was "I am happy and I'm done with my ex, I've had enough, I gave it everything I could and I have nothing else to give."

 

We continued to talk about everything else besides asshat and then my mom had to get off the phone and she said one more thing, she said, "I'm proud of you, you know why? Because for the first time in a long time our conversation didn't revolve around your ex-bf. And that makes me feel like you are finally moving on, that you are finally letting go."

 

I didn't think about it till she told me that. I know all of my conversations have revolved around him, everyday, every minute. I would talk my mom's ear off with how I planned on getting him back, what he told me, whether he called me or not, justifying every text msg, every call, every email. And for the first time, I didn't even think about him while talking on the phone with my mom.

 

It could just be a moment of happiness (and it will probably come and go), but I really feel that I've had enough of him. I think it's that moment where you realize you have done all you can do and now it's time to let go. I think I needed to know that I tried my hardest and I didn't just give up. I think I needed to go through that.

 

I am very happy. I have been going through this breakup for a long time now, about 2 months of deciding whether to stay or go, whether to try harder or give up...and now I'm exhausted, I have no more energy for him. I am relieved of this strain, this stress, I have no weight on my shoulders. I am done with his mind games! I am done with him hurting me. I am done with his mixed signals.

 

I am done being his puppet. I am moving on.

 

No offence youngnlove but this should be called your LACK of progress thread. This was posted nearly a year ago! It's the same cycle OVER and OVER again. Feel terrible (new thread), followed by small improvements (new thread), followed by feeling great and excitied towards the future (new thread). He then comes along, you go through your usual period of highs and lows where he inevitably lets you down. This in turn is followed by feeling terrible (new thread), followed by small improvements (new thread), followed by feeling great and excitied towards the future (new thread)..

 

The defintiion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This guy has treated you like you crap, cheated on you and what do you when he calls smiling with a present for you!? In you come young man, cheers for the present. I mean are you kidding me with this? What would have to do for you not to let him in? have sex with your mother? Shoot your cat? I mean where exactly do your boundaries start and end? And you think I am over exaggerating the extent of your issues....

 

I thank god you are talking to a professional. A person with any self worth would have cut him off LONG before he cheated on you. A person with self worth with have smashed his stupid present into a million pieces when he called. I get the impression if he made a huge effort he could win you back and that is why this should be the Lack of progress thread...

[Treasa]

You're going to be fine. I went through something similar to this when I had the BIG breakup, the one with the idiot I dated for six months.

 

Once I decided it was over and that I didn't WANT him or his drama or his bull**** anymore, I still felt a little sad, but I honestly got over him in a week.

 

You'll get there. Like someone else wrote, don't think about it as him rejecting you. You were with a loser, and now you're realizing that you deserve better than that.

[youngnlove89]

No offence youngnlove but this should be called your LACK of progress thread. This was posted nearly a year ago!

 

I stopped reading after this.

 

Get off of here. Keep the negative away!

 

BOO!

 

You are now blocked.

[Emilia]

I stopped reading after this.

 

Get off of here. Keep the negative away!

 

BOO!

 

You are now blocked.

Mack is one of the most helpful and insightful posters here. He might not say what you want to hear but if you paid attention to posters like him your progress would be much faster. Rather than simply post for attention.

[youngnlove89]

I'm tired of people putting me down. I am trying and you just make fun of me. Telling me I can't do it because my past behavior has proven otherwise? How does that help me?! You don't think I know what you know? I know me better than any of you!

 

I had my heartbroken from a guy who I meant nothing to. I have gone in the cycle over and over. I'm trying to heal. I'm seeing a psychologist. I don't need you guys to rub it in my face any more. I know what's going on. I already get it from my ex, I don't need it from you.

 

I am sensitive right now, I am mad. I am sad. I am depressed. I'm getting help. I'm trying to cope. And then you make fun of me and knock me down even more! I don't appreciate it. You don't like it? You don't like me? You don't like my threads? Then go away and leave me alone. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. I rather not here from you. Just because you are well known on some stranger site doesn't mean you are special to me. You are not God to me. I don't know you. Your advice has not helped me, just pushed me down like some screaming boot camp drill sergeant spitting in my face hoping that you would break me down, to build me up.

 

I'm done with negativity.

 

I'm done with people putting me down on here and making fun of me. Saying mean things as if it to help me? From now on, I'm just ignoring it.

 

His advice has not been helpful, it just put me in a worse mood when this morning I was doing fine.

[youngnlove89]

Mack is one of the most helpful and insightful posters here. He might not say what you want to hear but if you paid attention to posters like him your progress would be much faster. Rather than simply post for attention.

 

Progress? If it were to be "so" helpful, then how come it wasn't?

 

Attention? Wow, some people are so ignorant that they think when people are seeking help that it is really for attention? If I were seeking attention, it sure as heck wouldn't be on here.

 

How sad. How pathetic.

[Mack05]

Your responsese Youngnlove just shows how immature you actually are. I'm not here to make fun of you. Hell I've made more mistakes then all of LS combined, I ain't here to judge. I'm here on your thread to offer you a different prespective. I mean 100's of posters have put their collective arms around you for the past year and what has it achieved? You are posting the same stuff 12 months later. I can't even begin to tell you how unhealthy that is.

 

I know my posting style is not to everyone's taste. If you have chosen to block me I am fine with that. I understand with you it's hard to fill a cup that is already full. If someone challenges you Katzee, myself, Emilia you get into a immature strop. I used to do the same if my family ever criticised me when I was your age. I mean how dare they..

 

Emotional maturity is about learning and growing as a person. Sure no one likes to be criticised, but if the advice is coming from a genuine place it can be helpul if you are open to self improvement..... Instead of ignoring me, (which is what immature people do) why not maybe absorb the message I am trying to give you. That message is simple -> Your old ways of dealing with this didn't work and unless you adapt, grow and learn your new way won't work either because nothing has changed.

 

Sure he may eventually disappear, but what lessons will you really have learnt? What will stop you repeating the same mistakes in future? At present nothing, you will repeat the same mistakes whether with this guy or a new guy. Why because you are not turning your focus inwards. There is a lot more going on here then this guy and until you resolve these issues, self improvement will be slow (if any)

 

Why not learn from the mistakes and move forward instead of staying in the same pattern. If you had learnt from your mistakes before you wouldn't still be where you were 12 months ago, so saying you 'know what is going on' is very naive of you. There is far more happening under the surface here then you actually realize. The questions you need to ask yourself are not 'why doesn't he want me', 'why didn't he treat me better', 'what is good medication for anxiety' etc etc. The questions you need to ask yourself are 'why did I go back to a man that treated me so bad?', 'why did I let a man who cheated on me into my house?', 'why do I feel I don't deserve better then this clown', 'why can't I healthily move on from someone who is so bad for me'..

 

You are not asking yourself the important questions, therefore you are not looking for the important answers..Once you get the answer(s) to those important questions, then real progress can be made.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Mack05

[youngnlove89]

Mack05,

 

Your post crushed me and made me cry, because yes, you are right. Everyone is right. But this is so difficult for me that nobody understands it. I'm trying so hard to let in constructive criticism, but it is just a reminder to me how deep I am into this.

 

The questions you need to ask yourself are 'why did I go back to a man that treated me so bad?', 'why did I let a man who cheated on me into my house?', 'why do I feel I don't deserve better then this clown', 'why can't I love on from someone who is so bad for me'..You are not asking yourself the important questions, therefore you are not looking for the important answers..

 

This right here, is 100% right and why I'm seeking professional help because I don't know how to answer it.

 

I'm sorry I attacked you, I'm just emotionally unstable it scares me. I'm writing this thread with honesty and emotion. It's a thread that is all over the place and sure, maybe to you it doesn't show progress. But it's my true feelings. Maybe there isn't much progress right now, but one day there will be. I can look back on this and see how I really felt. I'm being honest with my feelings, I'm not trying to prove a point. I'm saying exactly how I feel. Mainly to just put in on paper so I can show it to my psych.

 

So right now, I am on edge with everything. I'm touchy and emotional. I don't want to be wrong. I want to be strong. I don't want people to tell me I'm weak, it hurts to know that I really am. It's hard to handle tough love when you are deeply hurt.

[Mack05]

Young you asked me to stay of your threads and you have my word that I will. Believe me it wasn't my intention to make you cry..I don't like anyone sad..

[youngnlove89]

Young you asked me to stay of your threads and you have my word that I will. Believe me it wasn't my intention to make you cry..I don't like anyone sad..

 

It's fine. I need tough love. It's just the worst love there is. It's painful. So you can do what you want, stay or go.

[mtnbiker3000]

Don't worry. I am much older and 'experienced' than you, and I am also struggling with these type of difficult questions. They are not easy to answer. They are not fun or nice to think about. But the pay off is worth it. There is no other way to break the patterns. We all have patterns. We all need to dig deep. Anyone who thinks or says they don't is full of it. Seriously!!! It's not a personal attack. It's life, and we are all livin' it... It just makes it easier if you allow yourself to accept that you are 'wrong' and work on understanding and fixing it. You don't have to be right. You just have to stop fighting being wrong. It doesn't show weakness, immaturity, inexperience or anything bad. It shows strength and the desire to change. Embrace it!!

[iouaname]

My instincts tell me otherwise. That's why I'm seeing a psychologist today to help me figure out what is going on and how I can move on from all of this. I'm very excited and nervous at the same time.

 

Good! That's a lot further than some people get. You recognize that this man is not good for you, and you recognize that he is not the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. That's a great start. Now, you just need your heart to catch up with your head

 

Can I ask, what is your current level of contact with this man? What is the situation, even? Is he your boyfriend? And by level of contact, I mean, how are the two of you in touch? Text? Email? Facebook? Phone calls? Twitter? Instagram? I don't ask to judge you! Just trying to understand the situation fully & help!

[youngnlove89]

7.24.13

 

Yesterday was my first appointment with the Psychologist. I went in not knowing what to expect, but honestly I assumed it would be some sort of miracle. A miracle that I’d walk out of magically healed with all my questions answered and my stature as straight as possible feeling like a brand new person. Well, that is not exactly what happened.

 

I was greeted by my psychologist who rolled out in a wheelchair to shake my hand. I was a little surprised as I pictured an upright, sharp mannered woman with a white coat on. She was very sweet and soft spoken. She had short curly hair and was dressed normal and she was someone who reminded me of one of my mother’s friends. She felt like a friend.

 

We went into her office that was styled as if I were walking into her living room. I plopped on the couch as I assumed that was my spot to be. I didn’t lay back and relax as my nerves were rattled. I had brought in a bullet point list of things I wanted to discuss with her as I know my mind blanks in situations that I’m uncomfortable in. I felt like I needed to know her a little bit before I just jumped her with my life story. But I was so eager and given only an hour of her time, I just talked and talked.

 

I told her about my relationship with a commitment phobe and how confused I was and how he was hot and cold and how it’s been going on for 2.5 years. I gave her every big detail about him, how he works at a prison and how his dad has OCD and how his mom had different boyfriends every weekend when he was growing up. How he doesn’t talk to his mom anymore. How he gets close then backs away in our relationship. How he told me he is lonely and scared. How he crawls into a shell or runs away when things get tough. How he was there for me and then disappeared. I told her about his ex girlfriend in his life again and how he lied to me about her. I told her everything I could possibly fit in.

 

The first thing she told me was “I’m surprised you’re the one here getting help for his problems when he should be the one getting help.” I laughed and said, “I’m trying to move on and I don’t know how, I love him.” She told me he was a very dysfunctional man and if he had come to her asking for help, she would turn him away as his problems are too deep. She continued with how she has talked to many men who are just like him and they never change, they always resort back to their ways. She said these types of men are just who they are, just like we are who we are. It’s in our blood. She told me my only option was to let go and move on as there was no hope. She said she would help me reestablish myself and build my self-esteem again.

 

The rest of the session we talked about my life and she gave me “homework” to do. She suggested I find a new job where my passion is, as I am not happy with the one I’m at. She wants me to start meeting new people and finding a job that is my passion would be a good start as you will meet people with similar interests. She told me not to worry about my birthday next week and don’t count on him saying Happy Birthday. She said to worry about myself and don’t worry about him and his feelings as they no longer pertain to me.

 

Basically she told me everything I already knew and heard. But I suppose hearing it from a person with a degree made it more believable. I have another session in a couple weeks set up with her as I will tell her about my birthday and the progress on my “homework” that was given.

 

I slept well last night. I woke up okay. He still lingers in my mind, but I feel better knowing that this time I am actually walking the walk, versus just saying I’m going to.

 

I am beautiful. I am strong. I can get through this. I will get through this.

[mtnbiker3000]

Nice work!!! Keep up the good work and let it snowball (positively)... As you already know, this is not a quick fix. It will take time and resolve. But it will help. I know my therapy does. My appointment is this afternoon

[iouaname]

Also, all therapists are different. If at any point you feel like the therapy isn't working for you, it's more likely that you and your therapist are not a match and not necessarily because therapy doesn't work for you.

[youngnlove89]

Also, all therapists are different. If at any point you feel like the therapy isn't working for you, it's more likely that you and your therapist are not a match and not necessarily because therapy doesn't work for you.

 

Yea, I'm not sure if I want to go back to her or not.

 

I just felt like the whole time I talked and she told me stuff I already know. I walked out of their no different than I was before.

 

Aren't they supposed to say insightful stuff that makes you think?

 

I don't know what to do.