My progress thread

[mtnbiker3000]

"Most of us wear adult faces, but we are actually stuck in our childhood traumas. Some of us demand that our needs be met as if every encounter with the world is a reenactment of encountering the childhood peers who terrorized us or parents who didn't give us enough. The sad part is that most of us don't know that we are operating from these hungry, angry and very demanding emotional wells which create drama in our adult lives. Many have claimed this stage of reckoning with our youthful beliefs and traumas in our late 30s, early 40s as a midlife crisis. It's called a crisis, I suppose, because our youthful beliefs are no longer servicing nor creating the lives we want, and now we are forced to decide whether we want to acquire an adult mind and it skills to lead us, or remain…"youthful". I'd rather not call this particular stage a crisis but rather an opportunity for the ultimate liberation which possibly…either choice could deliver. The beauty is… this is your life to create however you choose"

 

Holy Schnykies... Where did you get this? This totally resonates with me and is exactly, almost word for word what I am dealing with right now. I mean, word for word!!!

[mtnbiker3000]

I promise you if you keep going down this path and I showed you a crystal ball it would jolt the hell out of you. There has to come a time when you say ENOUGH. It took me until I was late 36...How long is it going to take you?

 

Hahahahaha!! Well, I'm 41 and just opened Pandoras Box myself. Better late than never, I guess!!!

 

Y - He's right. The earlier you look inward, the better. Hence the Eckhart Tolle book (I will send ya another copy)... I will say, however, that it does take some years and experience to draw and reflect upon to really do some good. What I mean is, it wouldn't do a 12 year old much good to take an inward journey, as they most likely haven't lived, experienced or matured enough. I guess it's a fine line on exactly when to take on this challenge... But it sounds like you are there

[mtnbiker3000]

I think many of the points I am trying to make to young are lost on her. I think in youngs case it is VITAL she does this now as I see the exact same thing happening with the next guy, followed by the same trials and tribulations...

 

Well, in her defense, I think she is 21 (or 22 now) And despite having some significant BS and trauma in her life, she is still quite young and in-experienced... It's hard to really take and apply sound advice at that stage of the game...

[na49]

I'm tired. I wake up every night. I check my phone to see if he called. He never does. I can't go back to sleep because my mind starts running. I don't want to go back to sleep anyways, all I do is dream of him. And when I'm awake all I do is think of him. He is every where I am.

 

I don't want to let him go. I'm scared to let go. I like the pain too much

 

This is why I think you need to block his number. Eventually your "I like the pain too much" pity party has to stop. Eventually your "I love him, so I'm never letting go" has to stop. When will you end it? It's so easy to do what your doing, which is why you stay here. We'd all love to see you take that next step that you just have never been able to take.

[youngnlove89]

I'm 24.

 

Na, I know what you mean. But why is it soooo scary? I guess because a part of me wants to know. I don't know anything right now, and if I block him I will continue to never know anything. If I don't block him and he texts me then I know he tried to talk.

 

I'll be honest, the real reason I don't want to block him is because I love him and hope he comes back.

 

NOW NOW...

 

That doesn't mean I would take him back. That doesn't mean I have forgotten what he did. This just just means I'm afraid.

 

If I block him, he mine as well be dead.

[youngnlove89]

Mack, you are constantly up and down with me.

 

This is my journal here. I post my absolute honest feelings to help me get through it. Don't insult how I handle my breakup.

 

My ex and I have been off and on. It's not like we have been NC for a year and broken up and I'm at this point still. We just stopped talking and broke up (again) 2 weeks ago. Yes, it hasn't been healthy to go back and forth with him, I will say that much. But for many people, if given the chance to take their ex back, they would.

 

The progress is in the fact that this time I have remained NC. Progress is subtle in a breakup. You don't see it at first, but when you look back, you do.

 

I really don't know what to tell you. If I frustrate you so much, then you don't have to give me advice. I don't post on this thread to get comments, I post for me as a public journal that other people can read.

 

Your last detailed post triggered a really bad memory of my rape. I know that wasn't your intentions. But don't claim you know me. You only know my weakest moments from what I have posted on here.

 

"The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

 

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion"

 

I'm sorry, that is not me. I felt depressed and anxious because I was raped. I had moody moments because I was sad and angry that I had gone through that. I didn't complain about my back, I complained that my body had been violated by a guy I didn't know. I didn't say, "Stay!! Don't leave me" I didn't get on the floor and beg. I said, "Okay, I respect your decisions" and walked away. I didn't contact him anymore, I ignored his efforts to contact me. THAT IS PROGRESS.

 

When I read what you wrote that night, I had the worst PTSD I've ever had. (I know that wasn't your intentions, the PTSD was simply triggered, an occurrence that I get all too often lately) I felt like I had been raped all over again because I thought, from what you sad, that he left because I was abused and broken. That I complained about my rape too much.

 

Just because I speak my real feelings on HERE, does not mean I speak them in life. I don't even talk about my ex to anyone in life. I come here to post honest feelings so I can see my progress in the long run. I'm not going to lie and say I feel great and I'm indifferent.

 

You remind me of my ex. You are nice then you are nasty and unproductive. Hot and cold. You say sorry than you continue to do what you know hurts me. Maybe your technique for advice doesn't suit me. I don't know what you want from me. If I make you so upset and angry with how I handle my breakup, the back button is on your upper left corner.

 

I appreciate your time and you are welcome to continue posting whatever you want.

 

My progress isn't for you, this is about me. You said you had been where I have been before when you were young, so you should know that you will do what you want to do. That you are head strong, stubborn and it's just something you have to do on your own. When you were me, you couldn't see what was right/wrong. You just did what you knew best with what you could handle.

 

My progress so far has been:

1. Seeing a psychologist

2. Remaining NC

3. Ignoring any contact from ex (very very difficult, but I've done it!)

4. Going on my vacation

5. Taking care of myself (massage, eating healthy, taking vitamins, meditation)

6. Coping with the downfalls (anxiety, migraines, depression) and learning how to cope with it in the future. Learning what I can do to take control of my fears. So far I've had no more panic attacks or migraines.

7. Meeting a new girl friend. We have plans next weekend to go out.

 

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.

 

I apologize if my progress isn't up to par with what you expect of me. But to me, I have come a long way. I have a right to feel the way I do. I still love him. I am hurt. The only person I need to prove myself to is well, me. You are more than welcome to stay or go.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I don't really want to get involved in the background, but a post like that is great YL. It takes an independent and strong woman to write it. Mack knows you are that woman. Be that woman one more day, every day.

[Drseussgrrl]

Honey this may be your "journal" but if it was simply that you wouldn't be posting in a public interactive forum. You've been posting about this douche forever now, one heartache after the next. Same broken hearted symptoms, same dude, different day. It's no wonder there are some posters who have grown frustrated and impatient with you.

 

The bottom line is - there is only ONE WAY that you are going to claim back your power for good and move forward with your life - but you won't do it because you'll hope he comes back.

 

It's not going to therapy, or taking drugs, or meeting new friends. Yes, those are all helpful for you, but they do nothing to prevent him from waltzing back into your life, sexing you up and getting back to the status quo with you. You are weak and I don't think you are strong enough to tell him no. He knows this, too. He's done it for 2.5 years now. You want us all to "believe" in you but your pattern hasn't changed.

 

You still won't block him. So really, YNL, you're setting yourself up for failure all over again. This has nothing to do with your rape, or Mack being like your ex. That is really unfair of you to say. I had the same reaction when I saw your last post - "Uh oh, not again." This is all of us seeing what you can't or won't.

 

Seriously honey this guy has such a hold on you it's becoming scary.

[iouaname]

Why is it important to you that you know if he tries to contact you?

[youngnlove89]

Why is it important to you that you know if he tries to contact you?

 

Because I don't have closure.

 

Because I am still angry.

 

Because my ego is bruised. I feel like the relationship ending is a personal failure.

 

Because I'm not in control, not used to losing.

 

and because I still love him.

 

Drseussgrrl-I know I am setting myself up for failure. What's it like when you block someone? Why is it so scary? Were you scared when you blocked him iouaname?

 

I want to block him. Because I know it's the final step. But I'm afraid of the pain afterward.

 

I'm lost down this path. Lead me and I will follow. I'm getting ready to block him...I just need that extra push.

[youngnlove89]

Just to add Young...

 

I agree my posting style right now is not suited to you. Especially when many times I am bringing up bad memories or triggering unhappy feelings (not my intention).

 

Your criticism of me is fair and its not the first time this has been said to me. I will take it under advisement, especially when using this site going forward...

 

You know I am rooting for you..

 

I'm not mad at you. I just am so hurt that I'm scared. I'm really trying and when I see that someone thinks I'm not making progress, it makes me second guess myself. I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. But I associate happiness with him somehow. So if he's not here, I'm not happy. I need to change that.

 

Triggering isn't your fault at all. It's just something I have to deal with. On my own now.

 

I want to let go, why is it so hard for me?

[Drseussgrrl]

You can't see it but you're keeping yourself in this agony of waiting on him to make contact with you. It's limbo. You were upset when he didn't contact you on your birthday. Do you not see that if he had been blocked, you wouldn't have to wonder why he did or didn't? You would have been free to go about your day and enjoy yourself, without being strapped to your phone wondering if your a$$hat ex cared enough about you on your birthday to reach out! His little ploy of leaving the gift in your car, then ignoring you on your birthday is calculated. Don't think it's not. He knows that his playing around with your heart and head has kept you addicted to his CRAP for much too long.

 

Doesn't that make you MAD?

 

YNL - free yourself. Just do it! HE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!

[youngnlove89]

You can't see it but you're keeping yourself in this agony of waiting on him to make contact with you. It's limbo. You were upset when he didn't contact you on your birthday. Do you not see that if he had been blocked, you wouldn't have to wonder why he did or didn't? You would have been free to go about your day and enjoy yourself, without being strapped to your phone wondering if your a$$hat ex cared enough about you on your birthday to reach out! His little ploy of leaving the gift in your car, then ignoring you on your birthday is calculated. Don't think it's not. He knows that his playing around with your heart and head has kept you addicted to his CRAP for much too long.

 

Doesn't that make you MAD?

 

YNL - free yourself. Just do it! HE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!

 

Yes! It makes me very mad. I think he is just trying to make me be the one to break NC.

 

Okay...I'm getting ready to block him...UGH.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I can see why blocking doesn't work, because I don't think it would work for me either.

 

Because some people, even if they block and delete and change numbers, still wonder whether he would contact them if they hadn't done all that. So same limbo, with the added feeling that it's self-inflicted.

 

If blocking isn't your way, try training yourself out of the expectations. You know e.g. someone checking their phone every 10 seconds to see if he's written, challenge themselves to do it every 15, 20, 30 etc. Or what I'm doing at the moment is if I get a text and I think it's him, I have to think it's at least three other people that it is likely to be before I check it. It makes it fun when it's one of those three

[youngnlove89]

I blocked him.

 

Now my next step will be to delete the voice mails I still have on my phone and the pictures of him and I.

 

If only I could delete him from my heart.

 

Tonight is my birthday party with all my family/friends. I am going to be happy and enjoy myself. I deserve it, don't I? I'm going to take a lot of pictures and keep my mind focused on the good, the things I need to be thankful for. I'm going to create new beautiful memories...without him.

[iouaname]

Congrats!

 

Have a wonderful birthday party!

[mtnbiker3000]

If only I could delete him from my heart.

 

Actually, that is exactly what you ARE doing.

[youngnlove89]

My party was fun last night. Had a great time seeing everyone and of course opening presents. Yummy cake, gossip, pictures and laughter. Exactly what I needed and guess what? Didn't think of my ex that much. (P.S. Couldn't use his camera he got me because the card only had room for 5 pictures which is not enough!)

 

My cousin is a Scentsy consultant and convinced me to join. She said she made a lot of new friends and makes good money. You make what you put into it. I figured I would become a consultant because I could use the extra cash and also to meet new people. She said there are conventions they go on and parties they have. Also, you could win a trip to Greece completely paid for.

 

I honestly see no downfall about it and I think it would be great for me to make a few hundred or more bucks a month. Plus, just to keep me busy and focused. And it's only $100 to become one.

 

Today's a good day. The suns out. Starbucks made my coffee delicious and I'm about to leave to go on a beautiful country side train ride with my family.

 

It's all about what you put into your life. Think positive, be happy and soon your life will mimic your feelings.

 

[Drseussgrrl]

Checking in on you YNL. How goes it? I'm glad you had a wonderful birthday.

[youngnlove89]

It is very difficult. I can't breathe and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

 

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is nothing. I’ve been learning that recently and I’ve been trying to be patient.

 

In today’s world of instant everything, we are trained to expect everything to be fast and immediate. When it doesn’t happen right away panic rises. There’s a feeling of wrongness.

 

I can't shake this feeling of wanting to leave. Leave everything.

 

My favorite song is Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. It was as if it were written for me.

 

My Interpretation:This song is beautifully tragic. I think that in general, it's about a couple that wants to move on from one another at times because it gets so hard, but can never truly let go of their feelings. Love is painful, but it's real.

 

This song is all about balance, you can't have the good without the bad. Music is art, and art is all in the eye of the beholder. This is just my perception.

 

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

 

*He tries to hide his mistakes & demons, but she sees right through it, and knows who he truly is...yet she loves and accepts him anyways.

 

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

You think your dreams are the same as mine

 

*A kiss is dangerous because it can always help them reconnect. In rough times, it's good like wine but destructive like poison. They have much in common, which can be good and bad.

 

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

 

*This is what I mentioned from the beginning, they don't always want to be together or love one another because of the pain it causes. Yet they always end up back together because it's a spot nobody else can fill.

 

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

 

*When one pulls away, they secretly want to be pulled back in, and sometimes that's why they have to pull away - to feel important again.

 

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

 

*The hand that pushes you down will be the same hand to get you back up on your feet again. We don't get to choose who we love, but we like to believe it would be the same if we could.

[Vikki_26]

Well we weren't talking Dec 2012-Feb 2013. I got sexually assaulted, called him to help me. He did, showed up in tears and shaking when he found out. He was there for me 100%. Took me to the police station. Doctors visits. Helped me cope. Lived with him for a month too. We worked things out from Feb to now and then he lied to me about seeing an ex gf he dated before me. Told me she had a boyfriend and they just texted here and there. Little did I know, he lied about her having a boyfriend and lied about not hanging out with her. I caught him in a lie and he finally told me that they have hung out several times, but didn't tell me because he was afraid I would freak out about it and cause unnecessary drama. Well, him lying about it caused me to freak out. It made me feel like he was hiding something. So he left me after our huge fight over it. He came over and gave me birthday present and that was the last I saw him or heard from him. That was a week ago.

 

Just before this fight he told me how he loves me and wouldn't leave me, how I made him happy. Now I'm just left confused. I see a psychologist tomorrow. I'm trying hard to let this man go. It's so difficult for me. I'm not a bad person because of it, I just have a problem and I'm working on fixing it.

 

 

Oh bless you so sorry to hear about your assault. Oh deah I hope you find peace soon and the psychologist can help x

[youngnlove89]

Will I ever let him go?

 

He is okay without me. He doesn't care if he is 40 and alone, that's who he is. He doesn't know anything else. He can't see what I see, because he isn't me.

 

Why am I hanging on to nothing? What is the point?

[youngnlove89]

Give it more time. He'll care when he's 40 and alone haha

 

I really don't think he will.

[iouaname]

Give it more time. He'll care when he's 40 and alone haha

 

This, so much.

 

Right now he doesn't care that he's alone. He's young, he thinks he has a ton of time and he has a lot going on his life. When people get older, they mature. Men, especially, tend to want to settle down much later in life. I guarantee you that when he's older, he'll feel much different about being alone. He'll want to have someone to settle down with and share his life with.

[Drseussgrrl]

This, so much.

 

Right now he doesn't care that he's alone. He's young, he thinks he has a ton of time and he has a lot going on his life. When people get older, they mature. Men, especially, tend to want to settle down much later in life. I guarantee you that when he's older, he'll feel much different about being alone. He'll want to have someone to settle down with and share his life with.

 

Heh. I don't know about this. I know plenty of dudes in their late 30's who are perfectly content not settling down.