My progress thread

[mtnbiker3000]

Heh. I don't know about this. I know plenty of dudes in their late 30's who are perfectly content not settling down.

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I'm 41 and just got out of a toxic engagement. Last thing on my mind is getting into another. LOL!!!!

[iouaname]

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I'm 41 and just got out of a toxic engagement. Last thing on my mind is getting into another. LOL!!!!

 

Well, I think that's a little different. I shouldn't generalize, but I feel like those men in their 20s and early 30s who do these sort of back-and-forth games eventually mature and become different people. Not everyone settles down or wants to settle down, but I hardly think people have the same mindset in their 20s that they will in their 40s.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Who cares what he thinks when he's 40???

[na49]

Will I ever let him go?

 

He is okay without me. He doesn't care if he is 40 and alone, that's who he is. He doesn't know anything else. He can't see what I see, because he isn't me.

 

Why am I hanging on to nothing? What is the point?

 

You'll only let him go when you are ready. The feelings you are feeling are so familiar and comfortable that to even consider not feeling like crap is foreign to you. It's easy to feel the way you feel because there is no effort. "Oh.. he doesn't care. I love him but he doesn't love me.. I suck" This will continue for as long as you allow it and I think you and all of us realize that.

 

You've known from the jump, even when you got back together that you had doubts about the relationship. I remember your big thread about how you weren't going to make him your life, and how he wasn't right for you. You entered it anyway for whatever reason. Now it ended. again. Just as you expected. You know you aren't a match, and yet every time he breaks your heart, you fall in "love" with him more.

 

One of your biggest problems is moving the spotlight onto yourself. Even a little bit. Everything has been about him whether you were in a relationship or not. You never developed that life you wanted, and I think that's where your progress should start.

[youngnlove89]

You'll only let him go when you are ready. The feelings you are feeling are so familiar and comfortable that to even consider not feeling like crap is foreign to you. It's easy to feel the way you feel because there is no effort. "Oh.. he doesn't care. I love him but he doesn't love me.. I suck" This will continue for as long as you allow it and I think you and all of us realize that.

 

You've known from the jump, even when you got back together that you had doubts about the relationship. I remember your big thread about how you weren't going to make him your life, and how he wasn't right for you. You entered it anyway for whatever reason. Now it ended. again. Just as you expected. You know you aren't a match, and yet every time he breaks your heart, you fall in "love" with him more.

 

One of your biggest problems is moving the spotlight onto yourself. Even a little bit. Everything has been about him whether you were in a relationship or not. You never developed that life you wanted, and I think that's where your progress should start.

 

You are so right. I'm not happy when I'm with him and I'm not happy when I'm not. So right there tells you it's because I'm not happy with myself.

 

My goals are:

-Establish a career

-Take some night classes

-Find a new hobby that I can obsess with (when I was a raw vegan that became my life! I was so focused on it. Right now, my hobby is my ex)

-Make new friends (I actually have a "date" with a new girl friend this weekend. We are going to the bar to hang out and get to know each other. Hopefully she becomes a best friend!)

-Start going back to the gym

-Continue therapy. I'm meeting with a new therapist as the psychologist wasn't someone I really connected with. This new therapist specializes in codependency and suffering victims of commitment phobic men. She said she will help me move forward...without him.

Edited August 7, 2013 by youngnlove89

[youngnlove89]

I'm starting to think that by "journaling" here it is causing me to snowball. Just obsessing over the same thought and making it bigger than it is.

 

I keep talking about him, checking to see if he is online and expecting him to find a way to contact me and hoping he will beg for me to come back saying he made this huge mistake.

 

This is something I need to work on. I need to stop talking about him, stop writing about him, stop checking to see if he is online and most of all stop expecting him to contact me.

 

I have to let him go. And I think by letting him go physically (no journaling, no checking, no talking about him, no contact at all) that would be a good start. I have journaled my progress here for over a year now!! All I got out of it was some good rambling and I just kept taking him back. It didn't solve anything. It was therapeutic for a little bit, but didn't last long. It just made me realize how sad I was. I want to check out from LS for a little, but I love it here and the people are so supportive so it's a scary thought. I have connected with a few people on here and I love writing. And I have a notebook full of stuff to prove it. Sad thing is, it's all regarding my ex. How sad.

 

I'm just starting to think that LoveShack is delaying my progress. It causes me to snowball.

 

Instead I need to focus on my goals:

• Continue Therapy
  
• Make new friends
  
• Start a career
  
• Find a new hobby
  
• Ignore the ex
  

[iouaname]

Yeah, I'm not sure. I think that the journaling definitely helped me as I entered this new stage of my life, where I decided to go strict no contact and work on different goals. It helped me to keep track of my goals and it helped me to write about things when I needed to. It is therapeutic sometimes. Journaling is meant to be helpful, so I guess if it stops being helpful, stop? I think that I'm going to stop at the end of the month and just see how I feel. If I don't notice much of a change, then I might come back to it just because I enjoy it. If I notice that by stopping journaling, I'm also stopping the snowballing, then I'll just not do it anymore.

[youngnlove89]

Yeah, I'm not sure. I think that the journaling definitely helped me as I entered this new stage of my life, where I decided to go strict no contact and work on different goals. It helped me to keep track of my goals and it helped me to write about things when I needed to. It is therapeutic sometimes. Journaling is meant to be helpful, so I guess if it stops being helpful, stop? I think that I'm going to stop at the end of the month and just see how I feel. If I don't notice much of a change, then I might come back to it just because I enjoy it. If I notice that by stopping journaling, I'm also stopping the snowballing, then I'll just not do it anymore.

 

Sounds good. That will be my 30 day goal we talked about :-) Starting tomorrow. 30 days of no LS. We will see how it goes.

 

Is 30 days too long?

[youngnlove89]

Journals often force the writer to actively try to change what they are obsessing about and move goals forward.

 

So I should stay?

[mtnbiker3000]

So I should stay?

 

No one can tell you what is best on this matter. I think it may be worth a try and see how it goes. 30 days may be too lofty a goal, though, as you may fail and then feel bad about that. Maybe start with 7 or 14 days and see how it goes... Again, only you can determine the best practice.

[youngnlove89]

No one can tell you what is best on this matter. I think it may be worth a try and see how it goes. 30 days may be too lofty a goal, though, as you may fail and then feel bad about that. Maybe start with 7 or 14 days and see how it goes... Again, only you can determine the best practice.

 

We will start off with a week. Here I go!

 

I'll be back to update

[youngnlove89]

My ex just sent me an email. In the subject line it said "My new dirty bitch"

 

I had no idea what that meant, so I opened it.

 

It was two pictures of his new dog that he bought.

 

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/u/0/?ui=2&ik=c83fb12db9&view=att&th=1405c213fb9fe69e&attid=0.1&disp=inline&realattid=f_hk3gaevm0&safe=1&zw&saduie=AG9B_P-7N1ibgu6Yw4Hkym6LLqPn&sadet=1375935412006&sads=hN45hj5tkfE3sYf97pTkjyqiuVk

 

I don't know if you can open that and see it, but I looked at the picture and in the truck there is a head sitting in his passenger seat. Right away I assume it's that ex of his.

 

My heart is pounding. Why can't he leave me alone!

[Frog Princess]

You are 24 I assume. I am only 26 but in the last year I have grown exponentially, trust that you will too. Stay strong and be true to yourself. And NEVER underestimate that strength, I can see it in the way you write at times, You are not a pussy pushover, don't act like one.

 

((((((((HUGZ))))))))

 

There is something about the mid to late twenties where you learn so much from your experiences. This is the time to embrace those experiences and become better from your mistakes.

 

Break ups are hard. If this man is not treating you with the love and respect you deserve, it's better to leave him alone than to hang on. You will hurt yourself more in the end. I also agree with the statement about not searching for solace in the arms of a male friend. I did this same thing with someone I looked at like a brother and he tried to take advantage. It totally threw me off! Our friendship will never be the same and I'm still single. Go figure.

 

If you need a good laugh, check out my website: Smooching Frogs

[iouaname]

 

This is such an obnoxious ploy to get your attention. Please do not give in to this or let this set you back. If it is his ex (but honestly, don't let yourself go crazy with snowballing about it), even more reason to not let this set you back and to keep moving forward!

[youngnlove89]

You need to help yourself sweetie. NC is ignoring all contact. It means auto deleting mails/texts he sends you. Please Please Please don't reply to this. We cant see the pic, but its not important who is or isn't in the seat -> you REALLY need to understand this..

 

This guy has me baffled. I told you he would contact you again, but he didnt on your birthday!? This guy is such a douchebag!!The picture of the dog and the subject line were all designed to have this effect on you. He is used to playing you like a voilin and you dancing to his tune.

 

Stay NC young and beat the fear...You need to stay strong. If you keep NC he will eventually call round. This will be a move in his 'game'. Will it be his next move? Honestly i'm not sure, but what I do know is that this isn't the end. You need to stay a step ahead and know exactly what you are going to say when he does call to see you. You need to close this door forever. In the meantime stay NC and dont play his game..Look at how happy you were after the party and look at you now. Thats why I keep saying your progress is not real.

 

BUT we are getting closer here. You need to take your power back. You do this by staying NC. There will come a time where you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you no longer want him in your life (In anyway), so journal today what you would like to say..Fail to preparem prepare to fail. It's true on so many aspects in life so start journalling what you want to say today.

 

If you keep letting him back in hoping that he will 'change' and see the light, this is the opposite of progress. Progress is knowing you dont need his validation/approval, even when he is mind *****ing you (as he is doing now)..

 

Thanks Mack. My pattern in the past was always letting him back in. Not this time. He has made me go CRAZY.

 

I don't want to say anything to him though. Silence speaks volumes.

 

I was starting to get anxiety so I sent the picture to my mom and my good friend who both think it was just a guy in the front seat. But the reason I thought it was a woman is because of my fear. It over powers me. Either way, I know I shouldn't care. But I do.

 

Today is my second appointment with the psychologist. I'm excited to talk to her. I also got a new hobby: scrapbooking. I started last night. I am making a journal of all my favorite quotes, things I write, letters, memories of this heartbreak. By putting it into this journal I am letting go, closing the book when I'm done and putting in a drawer. The scrap book is really neat though. It's my way of getting everything out my mind and into something that I can put away.

 

I also met another new girlfriend that I have plans with next Tuesday to go to happy hour with. I'm still meeting that other girl this weekend. I'm super excited to be meeting new people.

 

I slept fine last night, took a benadryl because I was afraid I'd wake up with anxiety. I really want to let him go, and every time he feels that, he some how finds a way...

 

Not this time. He has had enough chances!

[mercuryshadow]

I understand how you felt. I wish that in the past I hadn't responded so hastily to that feeling of shock. For me, it was like an actual electric shock. My heart would race, and until I got answers, I would feel out of control. At times, I would immediately seek out my ex (call him, drive to his house, etc). I just wanted answers, to have closure. I spent at least once a week in this type of emotional frenzy. It became a conditioning of sorts, and an unpleasant one at that. As much as it sucked, I think I was addicted to that feeling.

 

I never got closure. His own mother even told me I wouldn't (she began to sympathize with me when she found out about his behaviors). I began to "wake up." It took time, but I freed myself from feeling like I needed answers. And the emotional/mental patterns that were created within the context of the relationship slowly dissipated once he was gone. I see that you're making your way over the same kind of hump. Once you're at the bottom, you'll feel worlds better; you'll feel free.

Edited August 8, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[unexpectedlyhere]

Do you have gmail, YL?

Create a filter for all emails that come from your ex. Make them go into a separate folder, and appear as already read. Make a pact with yourself to visit that folder no more than once every two weeks, if ever.

 

He is playing stupid jokes with you and whether or not there is a girl in that seat doesn't matter. The crux of the matter is that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody does. He thinks he's fun but he's just pathetic.

[youngnlove89]

I understand how you felt. I wish that in the past I hadn't responded so hastily to that feeling of shock. For me, it was like an actual electric shock. My heart would race, and until I got answers, I would feel out of control. At times, I would immediately seek out my ex (call him, drive to his house, etc). I just wanted answers, to have closure. I spent at least once a week in this type of emotional frenzy. It became a conditioning of sorts, and an unpleasant one at that. As much as it sucked, I think I was addicted to that feeling.

 

I never got closure. His own mother even told me I wouldn't (she began to sympathize with me when she found out about his behaviors). I began to "wake up." It took time, but I freed myself from feeling like I needed answers. And the emotional/mental patterns that were created within the context of the relationship slowly dissipated once he was gone. I see that you're making your way over the same kind of hump. Once you're at the bottom, you'll feel worlds better; you'll feel free.

 

Oh yes! I almost wrote back and said "Who is that girl in the front seat!!!" But I composed myself, stepped away from contact and thought it through. I called a friend, they calmed me down, told me not to contact at all. I did deep breaths and realized that this was something I need to ignore. But omg I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I cried a little, got it all out and then recollected myself and came back to reality. It's hard!

[youngnlove89]

Do you have gmail, YL?

Create a filter for all emails that come from your ex. Make them go into a separate folder, and appear as already read. Make a pact with yourself to visit that folder no more than once every two weeks, if ever.

 

He is playing stupid jokes with you and whether or not there is a girl in that seat doesn't matter. The crux of the matter is that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Nobody does. He thinks he's fun but he's just pathetic.

 

Yes I have gmail. I'll figure out how to do that, good idea.

 

Why is he being like this, is this really commitment issues or something else? Do ex's normally act like this?

[youngnlove89]

This guy is so predictable. YNL it's no wonder it's taken you this long to break away from him - every time you try, he plays these stupid little childish games with you.

 

"My new dirty bitch" - wow this guy's a real class act isn't he. He knew that the title of that email alone would evoke a reaction in you.

 

Ugh this guy is just - I dunno. You can do so much better. He's not a gentleman, he's lame. And sounds quite loserly.

 

Good for you for ignoring it. But be aware it's only a matter of time before he ups the ante.

 

I know my heart panicked when I read "My new dirty bitch" I had no idea where he was going with that!!

 

What is wrong with him? Why does he think this is okay to do? Oh wait, I know why, because I let him get away with it all those other times. Ignoring is the BEST option right? Or should I say something. My mind is foggy, so I'm asking before I do :-)

 

I just want to do what is best for me.

[youngnlove89]

Well you're getting smarter than him and his crap. You're not falling for these stupid ploys for your attention anymore - knowing that he's got nothing to back it up with. Just more of the same.

 

Don't respond. Don't say anything. That means he wins. Any amount of attention from you, positive or negative, rewards him. He doesn't get one more scrap from you. Got it?

 

Okay! Got it!

 

Ugh, when will this all stop?

[unexpectedlyhere]

IGNORE! Absolutely!

 

To be honest, I wouldn't be impressed with ANYONE writing me an email with that kind of title -- what if I was checking my email where someone could see? It's just so juvenile.

On top of that, he's an ex. So it has the added layer of, he's doing this to mess with you. Why? I don't know. I don't even know if he knows. One thing I have learnt since my breakup is, whys don't matter. What matters is what people do, the decisions they take, and how they live by them. He broke up with you, that alone is enough to give him right to ZERO of your time. On top of that, he's also into lame little things to mess with you, for which he deserves not only zero of your time, but zero of your respect too.

 

Good call phoning a friend when about to do something you may later regret, btw.

[youngnlove89]

Well - firstly, when you block him like you said you did.

 

This was email, not phone.

[youngnlove89]

I know honey. But blocking is blocking. Like - he has no means of contacting you. You know this.

 

I know :-(

 

This is all so difficult.

 

It's an addiction that haunts me.

[mtnbiker3000]

Wait a tick!! I thought you blocked him already?!?!

 

Please, please, please just block this guy or change your number. He will keep doing this and you will keep letting it get to you. If you really, truly want to heal and move on, you simply must avoid these scenario's. He won't stop them, so it is up to you. Plain and simple! It's like someone with a broken arm who insists on taking Advil and it will be fine. No it won't! Take the proper steps to heal! Please!!!

 

I'm living proof!! 5 months NC and I'm mere inches from the goal line. Trust the system, it works. And, just like you, I was in bad shape in the beginning, remember?

 

Yeah, he may come and look for you physically, and as Mack stated, you should be ready with a swift and calculated message of absolute and total termination. But these texts and other forms of communication are cutting you off at the knees. You HAVE the power to stop this!