My progress thread

[na49]

I just felt like the whole time I talked and she told me stuff I already know. I walked out of their no different than I was before.

 

Aren't they supposed to say insightful stuff that makes you think?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Whether you realize it or not.

 

I slept well last night. I woke up okay. He still lingers in my mind, but I feel better knowing that this time I am actually walking the walk, versus just saying I’m going to.

 

This is improvement and different from the way you've felt previously. Don't you have "homework"? Well what was it? I'm sure it's supposed to make you think.

 

They aren't a magic bullet and they don't fix your problems for you. but I really think it's a bad idea for you to give up on going to the psychologist after one visit. You need a sense of direction because you have no idea where you want to go and how to actually get there, so this psychologist can point you in the right direction and assist you. I realize how badly you just want to be over all of this, but you've been through years and years of the same crap. It's not all going to go away with one visit to a psychologist.

[Drseussgrrl]

Also - I'm surprised that you focused on HIM and HIS issues during an hour that you're paying for to talk about YOU!

 

Take the focus off of him and put it back and yourself. You'll find that you'll come away from these sessions feeling a lot more accomplished.

 

There's nothing you can do about him, YNL. The only person you can help is yourself.

[youngnlove89]

Also - I'm surprised that you focused on HIM and HIS issues during an hour that you're paying for to talk about YOU!

 

Take the focus off of him and put it back and yourself. You'll find that you'll come away from these sessions feeling a lot more accomplished.

 

There's nothing you can do about him, YNL. The only person you can help is yourself.

 

 

I know. But he is my major issue. I told her how I have low self esteem and codependency issues. But the session went by so fast for me, I felt like I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't have anything else to talk about, but him. As I'm so absorbed into him, him, him. It's sad.

 

She did try to talk about other things, but I somehow went back on the subject of him. All my issues just linked with him.

 

We briefly discussed rape, and I couldn't bare to talk about it. I was embarrassed and just went numb. I told her how he was there for me and he helped me through it. How I felt alone now that he wasn't there to support me or comfort me. I missed the intimacy given by him.

 

The sad thing is...this guy was my life for 2.5 years. I made him the center of my world. I don't know how to make things about "me". It's foreign. Hopefully, my next session I can talk about other things. Whatever that would be.

[youngnlove89]

Also, I had a really angry morning. I literally felt like the incredible hulk as my anger bulged through my skin turning into this raging green monster. I screamed and hit things, I cried and I just was so angry. Why so much anger all of a sudden?

 

How does someone love you, then walk away?

How does someone treat you like crap as he is living his life normally?

Why did I fall in love with a guy who didn't give a rat's butt and lied to me?

 

Is this all because of me? Is this because I chose this guy? I ignored the signs and didn't listen to anyone? Is this my fault?

 

I am literally exhausted after my anger spell. It just took everything out of me and all I want to do is sleep now.

 

Enough of this, it's time for happiness. How do you let it in?

[Drseussgrrl]

I know. But he is my major issue. I told her how I have low self esteem and codependency issues. But the session went by so fast for me, I felt like I didn't have time for anything else. I didn't have anything else to talk about, but him. As I'm so absorbed into him, him, him. It's sad.

 

She did try to talk about other things, but I somehow went back on the subject of him. All my issues just linked with him.

 

We briefly discussed rape, and I couldn't bare to talk about it. I was embarrassed and just went numb. I told her how he was there for me and he helped me through it. How I felt alone now that he wasn't there to support me or comfort me. I missed the intimacy given by him.

 

The sad thing is...this guy was my life for 2.5 years. I made him the center of my world. I don't know how to make things about "me". It's foreign. Hopefully, my next session I can talk about other things. Whatever that would be.

 

That is the root of your problems, YNL - that self-love and self-care are so foreign to you. If not this guy, it would have been another one who just reinforced what you feel about yourself deep down. Once you can heal the part inside you that tolerates sh*t treatment from men, you will see that you are attracted to a whole other variety of men. Ones who love you the way you'll be able to love yourself.

 

What we attract is like a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves deep down.

[youngnlove89]

That is the root of your problems, YNL - that self-love and self-care are so foreign to you. If not this guy, it would have been another one who just reinforced what you feel about yourself deep down. Once you can heal the part inside you that tolerates sh*t treatment from men, you will see that you are attracted to a whole other variety of men. Ones who love you the way you'll be able to love yourself.

 

What we attract is like a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves deep down.

 

Thank you. You are right. Hopefully I can work on this throughout my sessions with a Psychologist.

[mtnbiker3000]

That is the root of your problems, YNL - that self-love and self-care are so foreign to you. If not this guy, it would have been another one who just reinforced what you feel about yourself deep down. Once you can heal the part inside you that tolerates sh*t treatment from men, you will see that you are attracted to a whole other variety of men. Ones who love you the way you'll be able to love yourself.

 

What we attract is like a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves deep down.

 

That's exactly what I was going to say. I can really relate to this as I have recently discovered this is a big one for me as well. I didn't even know it until my therapist led me to it. My self-esteem and self-worth issue stem from my early years. Around 7 to 13, maybe even before. A crazy family dynamic that really left me in a bad spot. Been carrying that shyte around for 30 years. Well, no more

 

So, YNL, I agree with Dgrrl. This is a great place to start and focus on. This WILL help you. You will be in for a rough ride for years if you don't address it. I speak from experience. Patterns will repeat!!! And not just romance, but career, family and everything in your life!!

Edited July 24, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[youngnlove89]

This morning I walked to my car, unlocked the door and on my seat there was a present sitting there. It startled me at first and then I realized it was from my ex. My hands began to shake and my heart started to race. I put the present on the passenger seat and tried to ignore it. I was driving and thinking to myself, “How could he continue to do this to me?”

When I finally got to Starbucks, I opened it and inside was a pink camera case for the pink camera he bought me. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Then I remembered this:

 

 

• He lied to me about hanging out with his ex girlfriend
  
• He lied to me about her having a boyfriend
  
• He told me that they hung out “several” times since December
  
• He told me that his ex girlfriend was going to be in his life whether I liked it or not
  
• He told me if I couldn’t handle it then I shouldn’t be with him
  

Why should I think anything of this pink camera case? I recollected myself. Remembered why we shouldn't be together and decided to just ignore him. I am not going to say Thank You.

 

That's the right thing to do, right? My mind is so scattered and I can't think clearly. So instead, I’m going to be happy and not let this hold me back. I am moving on. I can do this.

[Els]

Happy to hear you're still going strong.

 

You're absolutely right about all those points. Little gifts are sweet, but there is no way they can make up for deception and lack of consideration in important matters.

 

Chin up, girl.

[youngnlove89]

Happy to hear you're still going strong.

 

You're absolutely right about all those points. Little gifts are sweet, but there is no way they can make up for deception and lack of consideration in important matters.

 

Chin up, girl.

 

Thank you. He is not coming back this time. I am stronger. I can't mess up what I've already worked hard for. I'm seeing a psychologist. I'm doing the steps this time. I'm not going to allow him to do this to me.

[Drseussgrrl]

Thank you. He is not coming back this time. I am stronger. I can't mess up what I've already worked hard for. I'm seeing a psychologist. I'm doing the steps this time. I'm not going to allow him to do this to me.

 

Girl this is so textbook manipulative. Like a f*cking camera case is going to make up for the past two years of stomping on your heart. Get good and pissed - because this is obviously all he thinks it takes to sink his claws back into you and drag you back onto the emotional roller coaster ride from hades. A CAMERA CASE. The NERVE!

 

I would have thrown it out the window. Or sent it to his "ex" girlfriend.

 

I'm glad you immediately remembered why you aren't together. This is progress. High FIVE.

[youngnlove89]

Girl this is so textbook manipulative. Like a f*cking camera case is going to make up for the past two years of stomping on your heart. Get good and pissed - because this is obviously all he thinks it takes to sink his claws back into you and drag you back onto the emotional roller coaster ride from hades. A CAMERA CASE. The NERVE!

 

I would have thrown it out the window. Or sent it to his "ex" girlfriend.

 

I'm glad you immediately remembered why you aren't together. This is progress. High FIVE.

 

THANK YOU!

 

I was mad. Who does he think he is? And to break into my car?! Thank god I didn't have anything in there for him to read because I used to keep my notebook in there about my feelings for him.

 

I didn't expect this of him at all.

[mtnbiker3000]

That's the right thing to do, right? My mind is so scattered and I can't think clearly. So instead, I’m going to be happy and not let this hold me back. I am moving on. I can do this.

 

Nothing more than a breadcrumb. He's pulling the leash to see if you're still there. Don't be!!!

 

You're logic is dead on perfect and correct. Don't cave. You will feel so good!!!

[youngnlove89]

I'm not sure what his intentions were when he put a wrapped up present in my car, but I highly doubt it was to get me back. I think it was just to make him a "better" person. He probably feels guilty.

[Drseussgrrl]

THANK YOU!

 

I was mad. Who does he think he is? And to break into my car?! Thank god I didn't have anything in there for him to read because I used to keep my notebook in there about my feelings for him.

 

I didn't expect this of him at all.

 

Right. Disrespecting your boundaries - breaking into your car wtf. The passive-aggressive gift. It's all BS designed to keep your focus on him and off of yourself. He's not going to like the strong new you he can't keep under his thumb.

 

Well - f*ck that. Men are funny. It's almost as if they can sense a shift when we're not obsessing over them, so they come sniffing around to see what's what.

 

Predictable.

[youngnlove89]

Right. Disrespecting your boundaries - breaking into your car wtf. The passive-aggressive gift. It's all BS designed to keep your focus on him and off of yourself. He's not going to like the strong new you he can't keep under his thumb.

 

Well - f*ck that. Men are funny. It's almost as if they can sense a shift when we're not obsessing over them, so they come sniffing around to see what's what.

 

Predictable.

 

It kind of set me back, but after talking to you guys and remaining NC, I'm feeling better. This just shows me how strong I can be by ignoring it.

 

I have the power now. And with that...I am moving forward.

 

He's a jerk.

[mtnbiker3000]

Right. Disrespecting your boundaries - breaking into your car wtf. The passive-aggressive gift. It's all BS designed to keep your focus on him and off of yourself. He's not going to like the strong new you he can't keep under his thumb.

 

Well - f*ck that. people are funny. It's almost as if they can sense a shift when we're not obsessing over them, so they come sniffing around to see what's what.

 

Predictable.

 

Let me fix that for ya

[youngnlove89]

Well you said I can post in your thread soooooooooooooooooo...

 

Firstly very proud of you. This is progress...

 

Secondly change the car code..

 

Thirdly (and I know you won't do it, but here goes) I would package the camera and case and send it back to him. Original boxes if possible. I would include a note..

 

"Not sure how you think a camara and a chase can make up for mistreating me for the past few years. Then again god only knows what goes through your mind.

 

I have made a decision that I should have made years ago and that is to move forward with my life without you in it. I would appreciate it if you no longer contact me. If you ignore this request then its clearly for your own selfish reasons.

 

Take care and I wish you well"

 

If you really want to liberate yourself and make even more progress this IMO is a great way to go about it. Maybe the note is not required that is open to debate.

 

I will make a deal with you youngn. You send back the camera and case and I will buy you a more expensive pink camera and case ;-). Just IM me some paypal details and I will wire the cost direct to you so we don't have to exchange personal information...I know you like the present but think of who it came from, what it represents and what you want for your future. Giving the camera back is taking real control (and my offer is serious so you won't miss out).

 

Have a think about it is all I ask...

 

Wow. Thanks Mack, that is very generous. I am tempted, but I can't ask that of you, I wouldn't feel right. You don't need to fix what my ex broke, that isn't your fault.

 

I am going to keep the camera. I am going to enjoy the camera. It is a camera. It does not represent my ex. My ex is a loser. A coward. A liar and cheater. He is guilty and I'm not going to ease his guilt by letting him know "how much I love his gift". As if. He made his bed, he can sleep in it. I am going to continue moving on with No Contact. I will not say thank you. I'm going to use this camera to take pictures of my wonderful birthday next week.

 

I just hope that doesn't name me as a b!tch. Because I want to be the bigger person. I don't want to be the evil ex that didn't say thank you to a nice gift.

 

Silence speaks louder, right?

[Drseussgrrl]

Wow. Thanks Mack, that is very generous. I am tempted, but I can't ask that of you, I wouldn't feel right. You don't need to fix what my ex broke, that isn't your fault.

 

I am going to keep the camera. I am going to enjoy the camera. It is a camera. It does not represent my ex. My ex is a loser. A coward. A liar and cheater. He is guilty and I'm not going to ease his guilt by letting him know "how much I love his gift". As if. He made his bed, he can sleep in it. I am going to continue moving on with No Contact. I will not say thank you. I'm going to use this camera to take pictures of my wonderful birthday next week.

 

I just hope that doesn't name me as a b!tch. Because I want to be the bigger person. I don't want to be the evil ex that didn't say thank you to a nice gift.

 

Silence speaks louder, right?

 

Girl you are NOT a b*tch for not thanking him for a gift he slipped you unsolicited and and unexpectedly. In fact - he WANTS a reaction.

 

And yes - your silence will bug the hell out of him. You're showing him differently this time.

[youngnlove89]

Young your choice is your prerogative. Keep making small steps like you are making, eventually those small steps add up to huge progress..

 

Just know he will be back..The ignoring will seriously get to him, so you need to prepare yourself for a surprise phonecall/email/text/visit.

 

I guess the reason why this breakup hurt me the most is because I know it's our last. Knowing him, maybe this gift didn't mean crap. I don't think there is any "sign" or "intention" other than him thinking to himself, "well, what the heck am I gonna do with a pink camera case? Mine as well just give it to her" so he decided to just drop it off. Maybe it doesn't mean anything more than that. Albeit, I don't like him going into my car, but I don't think he will do that again.

 

I really don't think he will be back. I don't think me ignoring him will affect him this time. He has "her" now. He doesn't need my attention. If he wanted more, he would have knocked on my door.

 

I can't wait to get out of town next Monday! I'm way too excited. I was sad at first because I linked it with my ex, but now I'm excited that I get to get away from him and see family/friends and have fun! I deserve it!

 

He gave me my power back! :bunny:

[iouaname]

He seems emotionally immature. It also says a lot about how he thinks of you if he thinks that he can buy you back. I am very proud of you for how you handled it!

 

I would suggest sending the camera case back without an acknowledgment of it.

[na49]

Personally I think you should get rid of anything that will make you think of him. Despite you wanting to enjoy this camera, and how you say that it doesn't represent him. It really does represent him. It's something that HE gave to you. So whenever you think of where you got this from, you will think of HIM! You should try to get rid of these kinds of triggers because they always send you spiraling downwards into a depressive state.

 

Also, I agree with Mack. He will come around again. Then it will be up to you to accept him, or reject him. I think you should go back and read previous threads you've made and look at your responses. They are eerily similar. You always say "He's not going to call me. He's done" and then, surprise! he contacts you!

[youngnlove89]

Good Morning.

 

I guess I just don't see him coming back this time. I really have this gut instinct that it is over now because there is someone else involved.

 

The present didn't set me back like I thought it would or maybe it did. I cried a little because it was just a symbol that it's over. My brain is completely cut in half. One minute I'm fine, the next I have a million questions. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm on the floor crying.

 

I am excited for my Birthday. I wish things were different, but I'll take what I can get. I will enjoy my vacation, I can't let this breakup get the best of me. I can be strong.

 

I still miss him. I think about him every other second. Hoping that will go away soon. I keep wondering what will happen to us. It's just crazy how you know someone and then you don't. We were strangers before, but now we are strangers with a history. I'll forget his voice, his hands, his hugs and his life. One day, he will just be a distant memory. I'll meet someone else, fall for them, and I wonder what I'll think of this time. Will I regret it? Will I laugh at it? Miss it? What will he think? I think that is what hurts the most, not knowing how this affects him. How can someone just not care about the last 2.5 years? They can't forget that can they?

 

I keep wondering if he will say Happy Birthday or not. He never called last night or texted like I thought he would. I guess I think a lot, don't I? But with a broken heart that's all that is left: thinking. Maybe it's best he doesn't say Happy Birthday. It's not like it will mean he wants me back or he will change. And I don't even want him back. But I long for something...and I'm not sure what it is. A fill up on my ego? To know that I am wanted or loved? To know that he regrets what he did? I'm a good person, why did this happen?

 

I think what bothers me the most is knowing this relationship hurt me so much. And he just walks away, leaves a present on my front seat and is able to be okay with it all. Does he even realize how it affected me?

 

I've been doing what I'm supposed to do. Seeing a psychologist, working out, remaining NC, seeing friends, keeping busy, reading books...but really the only thing I can count on is time. Everyone says that if I do all these things I will move on and meet someone better, but when? I don't want him anymore, I want who I thought he was. I'm ashamed that I fell for a lie. How can I trust myself anymore?

 

I'm not a bad person for loving a guy like this. But why do I feel like I am?

[youngnlove89]

Dammit. Pain, go away.

[iouaname]

 

I'm not a bad person for loving a guy like this. But why do I feel like I am?

 

Do you feel like a bad person or do you feel like a weak person? I never felt like a bad person for loving my ex, but I always felt weak. I always felt that if I had been a stronger person, I would have never put up with what I put up with. And, it's true. Now, I won't put up with that.

 

Anyone who gets anywhere in life gets there through trail and error. Through experience. Through learning. Don't let this experience with this one man define you as a person. Use it as a learning experience. This situation highlighted certain weaknesses in you that you need to overcome. Don't resign yourself to having them, resolve to overcome them and be the person that you want to be from now on.