My progress thread

[youngnlove89]

Do you feel like a bad person or do you feel like a weak person? I never felt like a bad person for loving my ex, but I always felt weak. I always felt that if I had been a stronger person, I would have never put up with what I put up with. And, it's true. Now, I won't put up with that.

 

Anyone who gets anywhere in life gets there through trail and error. Through experience. Through learning. Don't let this experience with this one man define you as a person. Use it as a learning experience. This situation highlighted certain weaknesses in you that you need to overcome. Don't resign yourself to having them, resolve to overcome them and be the person that you want to be from now on.

 

Well I feel bad because I didn't acknowledge his present and how I didn't say thank you to him. I know I don't need to and I really want to remain NC. I just keep wondering what he is thinking. I don't know how not to. I don't want him to hate me or think I'm mean.

 

I hate how I am going through this.

 

And yea, I do feel weak too. I feel weak for letting this happen to me for the past year. I feel weak that I took him back every time. I feel weak that I fell in love with someone I knew couldn't love me the same way.

 

I am not looking forward to this weekend. It will be tough. I'm thinking about going out to the bar tonight...by myself.

[mtnbiker3000]

Well I feel bad because I didn't acknowledge his present and how I didn't say thank you to him. I know I don't need to and I really want to remain NC. I just keep wondering what he is thinking. I don't know how not to. I don't want him to hate me or think I'm mean.

 

Gggrrrrrr!! I thought we covered this. STOP!!!! Stop thinking/wondering about him. Time for you now. Okay??

 

You live in a sun-soaked paradise of young people and fun things to do. Do some. Meet some!!!

[iouaname]

And yea, I do feel weak too. I feel weak for letting this happen to me for the past year. I feel weak that I took him back every time. I feel weak that I fell in love with someone I knew couldn't love me the same way.

 

I understand the feeling, but I also think that the part of you that loves this man so much is a beautiful part of you. Your ability to love fully, to give your heart completely to someone and to be loyal to them is something great about you. Truthfully, I don't feel sorry for you. You're able to love and you're able to commit, and that means that you are eventually going to get past this and be able to love someone else. I feel sorry for him. He is the one that is unable to love fully. I am sure that he loved you, but his inability to commit and to show his love in a meaningful way is a weakness in him, and something that he is going to have to overcome in order to ever be happy.

[youngnlove89]

I understand the feeling, but I also think that the part of you that loves this man so much is a beautiful part of you. Your ability to love fully, to give your heart completely to someone and to be loyal to them is something great about you. Truthfully, I don't feel sorry for you. You're able to love and you're able to commit, and that means that you are eventually going to get past this and be able to love someone else. I feel sorry for him. He is the one that is unable to love fully. I am sure that he loved you, but his inability to commit and to show his love in a meaningful way is a weakness in him, and something that he is going to have to overcome in order to ever be happy.

 

You always know what to say, thank you

[youngnlove89]

Is he going to tell me Happy Birthday next week?

 

Do I just ignore it? (YES)

[mtnbiker3000]

Is he going to tell me Happy Birthday next week?

 

Do I just ignore it? (YES)

 

Only if you want to start healing, move on and enjoy your life again

[youngnlove89]

Only if you want to start healing, move on and enjoy your life again

 

But do you think he will or he won't?

 

I guess I wouldn't if it were his birthday and we weren't together...

 

Would you text an ex happy bday?

[mtnbiker3000]

But do you think he will or he won't?

 

Based on what I know. Yes, he will!!!

 

I guess I wouldn't if it were his birthday and we weren't together...

 

Good, you shouldn't. And that's the difference between people like him and you (and I)...

 

Would you text an ex happy bday?

 

My ex's B-day was 6-26. Not a peep from me. Radio silence!!

[youngnlove89]

Now that I think about it, I don't want him to text me because then I have to ask myself:

 

Do I ignore it and look like an *******? Then feel guilty for being an *******?

 

or

 

Do I break NC and reply back and feel worse and deliberately wait around for his next text?

 

It's better if he just doesn't say anything at all.

[mtnbiker3000]

Now that I think about it, I don't want him to text me because then I have to ask myself:

 

Do I ignore it and look like an *******? Then feel guilty for being an *******?

 

or

 

Do I break NC and reply back and feel worse and deliberately wait around for his next text?

 

It's better if he just doesn't say anything at all.

 

Now you're cookin' with gas!!!

[youngnlove89]

Now you're cookin' with gas!!!

 

What do you mean?

[mbethb]

What do you mean?

 

It means now you're doing things right. Young, I just read through this entire thread and I truly wish you the best and hope things even out for you soon. I glad you're seeking therapy…please follow through.

 

I'm troubled that the last few posts were about you wondering if he'll text you. I feel where you're coming from but you have to do something to move passed this mindset.

 

You need to delete or block his number. You have to get away from him. You have to realize its over and that it being over is the best thing for you.

 

You have your entire life ahead of you. There will be plenty of guys, you just need to focus on ourself now. Once you sort yourself out you'll attract the type of man you need and want.

 

Stay NC, okay? I would give anything to be NC but I have kids with my stbxh. Therefore I must see and talk to him on a regular basis. It sucks but I'm committed to moving forward. I must heal, and will, and so will you.

[youngnlove89]

Last night at work I stayed and talked to one the doctors there. People always seem to be very comfortable opening up and talking to me and asking for advice, I guess that's a good thing, right? Anyways, she was telling me how she is moving out of the house and considering a divorce with her husband. She is in her 40's and has two kids with them. They've been married for 10 years, together for 14.

 

As she was telling me this story I pieced together that this guy was what my ex is. She then told me how she married an "emotionally unavailable" man, the same term I had been using. She told me how in the beginning everything was fine up until they got married and she had her first kid. Then he became a different person. Always hot and cold. Mean and nice. Back and forth. Angry. Mean. Then romantic. Confusing.

 

[i've read a lot of books about Emotionally Unavailable men and it's says how some become EU right after they get the woman, but for some it might not hit them until they get married. They freak out and feel like they are trapped because of a contract. It was interesting to hear that perspective.]

 

She said she put up with it for the past 10 years and during that time she has fallen out of love with her husband. And now that she is toying with the idea of divorce, he has become this "changed" man. She told me how it's just a vicious cycle, once you think they have changed, they prove to you they haven't. They had been through this before, never threatened divorce though. But she would back away when he got cold and then he would come back hot.

 

I told her how my ex was EU too. She told me to get out while I can because they don't change. They always go back to who they are. She told me to imagine myself 10 years later with 2 kids and a marriage contract and how much more difficult it would be to just get out. She told me how she regrets staying and she had realized that she should have left years ago, but was afraid. She was so mad at herself for staying with this man because all along she knew he wasn't good for her.

 

Anyways, she is worried about the kids and being a family, more than anything else. She wants her kids to be happy. But she also wants to move on from him.

 

I guess it was just a really good time for her to talk to me about her situation and to be able to relate to someone who understands emotionally unavailable men. It's funny, because not too long ago I talked to the other doctor in the office and she told me how she used to be a commitment phobe and just eventually found the right guy.

 

It's crazy how people walk into your life at the right time as if it were a sign to you to keep doing what you are doing. Listen to the facts. Listen to your instinct. See the proof.

 

*EU= Emotionally Unavailable.

 

I dreamt about my ex last night. It was so odd. He was in the bathroom getting ready and I wanted to hug him and say Hi, but he said he had to go to church and he'll be back (in real life he is agnostic and doesn't go to church). He didn't hug me or say goodbye, just left in a hurry. Thing is, he never came back. I waited for him by the door as I was flirting with my past ex boyfriends (weird?). I went on dates in my kitchen and living room. LOL. I remember I had looked outside the window and I saw him with someone else...but then it was just a blur. I was sad in my dream, I kept waiting for him to come back and he never did.

 

I hope today is okay. I don't have anything planned yet and I'm not sure I feel like going out tonight. I just started the seasons "Lost" and I'm getting hooked on it. I think I'll pour me some wine, turn up the tunes and clean my apartment. Monday night I leave for my vacation. I think of my vacation as a different one than from the one planned with my ex. It helped a little bit.

 

It's weird, but my mind feels like it clouds over deeper thoughts of him. When I start to think of him moving on or being with someone else or never talking to him again...it clouds over and I think about something else. I don't do this on purpose, but I just have become numb to it maybe?

 

Okay...that's all for now. I wrote a lot and I could write more, but I'm going to get some coffee.

[youngnlove89]

I'm troubled that the last few posts were about you wondering if he'll text you. I feel where you're coming from but you have to do something to move passed this mindset.

 

You need to delete or block his number. You have to get away from him. You have to realize its over and that it being over is the best thing for you.

 

I know I think it is just part of the process I have to get through. It's something we all think in the beginning, but then time proves to use what is meant to be.

[youngnlove89]

I have to add this. I feel really different right now. Like I'm actually content with things. This NC stuff does work. I actually feel very hopeful and positive about the future.

 

I realized it's best to ignore him and remain NC because you are protecting yourself. If I were to remain in contact with him or even become a pity friend then I would have to hear about how happy he is and how great his life is. And we all know we don't want to hear about how our ex's are doing great without us!

 

If I were to remain in contact he would probably tell me about vacations he is taking, how he is doing great at his job, how he is hanging out with his ex or how he has a date lined up. I'll have to hear about him living his life and moving on. I can't handle that. I think it's better not knowing. Sure, he might be happy now, but at least I don't have to hear about it. I think that itself helps me move on and let go.

 

Ex's need to become a distant memory and only way to do that is NC. I've found out from past relationships that it wasn't till I cut off contact with them that I realized I had moved on. And then when I reached indifference, I no longer cared to be a part of their life. Hence why I don't talk to ex bf's anymore. Indifference is not giving a hoot about them. You don't need to be their friend because you really just don't care anymore. You remember the good times, but it's nothing more than that.

 

So if he does say Happy Birthday, I don't owe him a response. He broke up with me. He chose to walk away from "us" so he isn't qualified for a response. I don't want to be his friend. I don't want to be in contact with him. I don't want to know what he is up to or how happy he is now.

 

It's about me now. No more him.

[na49]

You've been at this step before. I'm happy you're back at it now, and I hope you let time do it's thing and help you detach from him emotionally even just a little bit. BUT I'd really love to see you take that next step and BLOCK HIM!

 

You have no excuse. You block him, it's settled, you don't hear from him. If he ever wanted to contact you, he knocks down walls to get to you. If he doesn't, you're busy moving on with your life and not concerned whether he's trying to call or not. I really do believe you still want him to contact you which is why you leave the door open just a crack. You'll move on, but if he ever decides to come back with an offer, you're willing to listen. This is the cycle you've been in and I think for your benefit, you should break this cycle.

 

Just my thoughts. You do what you want. I'm glad you are staying NC and everything. We're all rooting for you!

[FierceFoxie]

You should google "cord cutting" or "psychic cord cutting". It is a way in which you cut the energy cord between you and him. He is sucking your energy and leaving you completely drained. You will feel a huge relief once you do it.

 

I am a Christian and basically for me this is called a soul-tie. I prayed over my soul-tie with my ex and each day has gotten better and better. I haven't cried about him in over a week (when I broke the tie).

 

Those ties can really keep you in bondage with the haunting memories and thoughts of them. When you release the connection, it doesn't mean you won't think about them from time to time but it no longer becomes obsessive thoughts.

[youngnlove89]

I feel so numb, no emotions. I think of him and picture his face and my mind just stops thinking about it. It goes blank. It's really weird. I can still feel him around me, like nothing has happened to us, like everything will be okay. I don't know how to describe it.

 

What's going on with me?

[youngnlove89]

Today, I woke up energized and ready to go.

 

I feel fine. But feeling like this makes me nervous. I do not feel any animosity or any pain. I am just "me". I feel more confident and excited. This makes me nervous because I'm afraid it won't last.

 

This might sound ludicrous, but I was thinking about how I don't have to shave much anymore. That's actually really relieving. I used to always shave everything before seeing my ex and it cost money and lots of time. I haven't become a hairy beast or anything, but I no longer have to worry about my legs being perfectly smooth or my cooch being baby-butt-soft.

 

I also realized how I am saving money on gas. I used to always drive to his house because he didn't have a roommate so it was more private and plus he had a nice big TV we watched. But now, I'm not having too fill up my tank as much. I do miss the TV though, I won't lie.

 

I'm not stressed or worried. I'm not waiting for him to call me. I'm not wondering what he is doing when I'm not around. I mean, I still wonder some stuff and think about him often, but it's like now I know he is single and can do whatever he wants. And I'm okay with it.

 

I don't have to wonder if he is going to invite me on the next trip or whether for Christmas he will buy me a present. I don't have to worry about his friend that's an ex girlfriend. I don't have to scratch his back anymore or make sure my hair is perfect and my makeup is in place. I don't have to worry about whether I look cute anymore. I don't have to feel guilty about him paying for dinner. I don't have to do his dishes or make dinner. I don't have to expect anything anymore.

 

There are things I miss, but I am focusing on me now and how I feel. I am focusing on the negatives of the relationship. It has helped.

 

And FierceFoxie, last night I cut the symbolic energy cord with him. Very interesting. I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect, but I could feel something different change. Thanks for introducing me to that!

 

I leave tonight for my week long vacation. I'm excited. I'm happy and I'm strong. I am going to get through this.

Edited July 29, 2013 by youngnlove89

[FierceFoxie]

Today, I woke up energized and ready to go.

 

I feel fine. But feeling like this makes me nervous. I do not feel any animosity or any pain. I am just "me". I feel more confident and excited. This makes me nervous because I'm afraid it won't last.

 

This might sound ludicrous, but I was thinking about how I don't have to shave much anymore. That's actually really relieving. I used to always shave everything before seeing my ex and it cost money and lots of time. I haven't become a hairy beast or anything, but I no longer have to worry about my legs being perfectly smooth or my cooch being baby-butt-soft.

 

I also realized how I am saving money on gas. I used to always drive to his house because he didn't have a roommate so it was more private and plus he had a nice big TV we watched. But now, I'm not having too fill up my tank as much. I do miss the TV though, I won't lie.

 

I'm not stressed or worried. I'm not waiting for him to call me. I'm not wondering what he is doing when I'm not around. I mean, I still wonder some stuff and think about him often, but it's like now I know he is single and can do whatever he wants. And I'm okay with it.

 

I don't have to wonder if he is going to invite me on the next trip or whether for Christmas he will buy me a present. I don't have to worry about his friend that's an ex girlfriend. I don't have to scratch his back anymore or make sure my hair is perfect and my makeup is in place. I don't have to worry about whether I look cute anymore. I don't have to feel guilty about him paying for dinner. I don't have to do his dishes or make dinner. I don't have to expect anything anymore.

 

There are things I miss, but I am focusing on me now and how I feel. I am focusing on the negatives of the relationship. It has helped.

 

And FierceFoxie, last night I cut the symbolic energy cord with him. Very interesting. I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect, but I could feel something different change. Thanks for introducing me to that!

 

I leave tonight for my week long vacation. I'm excited. I'm happy and I'm strong. I am going to get through this.

 

Awww yay!! Placebo or not, if you are feeling better today, I suspect it's because you took back your energy he was sucking from you! I am glad you checked it out. I was scared you and others might think it is a bunch of hoopla but I swear, I sure noticed a difference when I did it as well and I have a friend whom actually hired a reiki healer to perform a cord cutting ceremony on her and she instantly felt relief too. Cool thing is, it requires no hired "professional" to perform it, anyone can do it.

 

Good for you for seeing the positives. I still think of my guy occasionally from day to day but like you, I am no longer concerned with what he is doing and if he will contact me. I am open for love to come to me!

[youngnlove89]

I miss him so much…his smell…his crinkly eyes when he smiled…his voice and taste and lips that I thought could fix every problem in the world. I especially miss the weight of his arms around me, holding another person - that tiny act that, in reality, is so big - means so much, gives so much comfort. No one can do it like him. And so I mourn us, the very bright future we could have had. The future you were so afraid to have because your past left you so damaged. You have taken all I can give and I’ve received…Well, I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out. But I’ve learned not to be blinded by the love I want to give out.

 

That’s it for now. I love you and I miss you, but I’ve got to mourn. I can’t go through this again with you. I can’t have you shutting down and pushing me away every time you experience something hard in life. It’s too lonely and painful to experience. But I will always love you.

 

So in that last glance over my shoulder, I'll remember him as I knew him...those black converse shoes, that charming eager smirk of his, those torn jeans that he loved and that plain old white shirt he always wore because shopping was too much of a hassle for him...

[youngnlove89]

It is 2 am at my moms house and I was awoken by an old alarm clock I had as a kid, a Barney alarm clock to be exact. I woke up and I didn't know where I was and stood in this room alone and confused trying to figure out my surroundings. I was scared and the room was spinning because I was still half asleep.

 

The alarm clock finally shut off and I threw the damn thing out. I finally grasped my surroundings, but here I lay unable to go back to bed. I'm alone.

 

I remember my ex and I were at a carnival once and we were on the Ferris wheel. We were both excited and the ride started going off and as soon as I realized how high we were going I started to panic. I'm afraid of heights but from the ground this Ferris wheel didn't look so high. I grabbed the center pole in the middle of our seats and the carriage started to wobble. My legs were shaking and I thought we were going to fall. He grabbed both of my hands and said, "look at me babe, you are okay, just pay attention to me" his sweaty hands held mine tightly. He kept talking to me and trying to calm me down. "Keep your eyes on me, you are okay, I'm here," he would repeat. The ride felt like it took forever, but we finally stopped and I realized I hadn't been afraid anymore. He kept me focused and balanced. He protected me. He knew what to do to keep me safe and calm.

 

Tonight he wasn't here when I was scared and confused. I laid in bed shaking as if I were going through a withdrawal. All I could think about was how I wanted his arms around me. I started to panic more realizing he isn't here anymore. He isn't here to hold me and calm me down when I'm panicked or scared.

 

I can't do this. I miss him. I feel like he is gone and I can't grasp that. I don't want anyone else.

 

Later that night after the carnival we were walking back to his truck and he said, "I have to tell you something, I was scared too..."

Edited July 30, 2013 by youngnlove89

[iouaname]

I'm not sure which is worse, the good memories or the bad

 

You're doing well, though!

[mtnbiker3000]

I can't do this. I miss him. I feel like he is gone and I can't grasp that. I don't want anyone else.

 

Relax. Breath. You CAN do this!!! You are in the belly of the beast! Just make it past this hump, and you will start to feel better. What are you, almost 2 weeks or so NC. Don't cave!! You will just be back at square 1. Again. Hang in there!!!

 

BTW - Have you started listening to Eckhart?? Even if you don't quite grasp or agree with it, it will have a positive psychological effect on you just making the attempt....

Edited July 30, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[Drseussgrrl]

I always worry when you start posting like this.

 

You typically disappear from the boards for a bit and reemerge stating that you guys are giving it another shot because you just "can't do it without him."

 

It's in these very hard and dark moments that you need to dig deep and remember just why he's so terrible for you. Of course he wasn't all bad. There were good times that kept you hanging on for those two years.

 

But he lied to you, cheated on you, discounted your feelings and withholds from you the very things you need to feel secure. So while he made you feel safe in that moment on the ferris wheel, think of all the times he DIDN'T when it came to your feelings. He left you out to dry just when you started wanting the basic things that ANY woman would want and need from the man in her life. Which includes not hanging out with an ex behind your back and lying to your face about it - gee, IMAGINE THAT.

 

I know it hurts and it sucks ass and you think you're not going to be ok but I PROMISE YOU WILL in time. Hang in there. Don't cave.