Author youngnlove89 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 I always worry when you start posting like this. You typically disappear from the boards for a bit and reemerge stating that you guys are giving it another shot because you just "can't do it without him." It's in these very hard and dark moments that you need to dig deep and remember just why he's so terrible for you. Of course he wasn't all bad. There were good times that kept you hanging on for those two years. But he lied to you, cheated on you, discounted your feelings and withholds from you the very things you need to feel secure. So while he made you feel safe in that moment on the ferris wheel, think of all the times he DIDN'T when it came to your feelings. He left you out to dry just when you started wanting the basic things that ANY woman would want and need from the man in her life. Which includes not hanging out with an ex behind your back and lying to your face about it - gee, IMAGINE THAT. I know it hurts and it sucks ass and you think you're not going to be ok but I PROMISE YOU WILL in time. Hang in there. Don't cave. No, I'm still here and NC. I just have nothing to post, but I've been browsing. Plus, I am on vacation right now so starting tonight I'm going to be super busy with activities. Last night I just had a really tough night. I expect these things. It's part of getting through it. It's not like I'm going to just be like "oh he is a jerk because he did x,y,z so I'm just going to move on and be happy and not cry at all" I wish it were that easy, but I have to mourn this. It is still a loss to me. He was a big part of my life for 2.5 years, now he is gone. Just in a snap of a finger. It's sad. But thank you I did finally calm myself down (2 hours later!) and started thinking about all the bad stuff, the reasons why I am better off. I just don't know how to handle the good things when they hit me, they really get me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Relax. Breath. You CAN do this!!! You are in the belly of the beast! Just make it past this hump, and you will start to feel better. What are you, almost 2 weeks or so NC. Don't cave!! You will just be back at square 1. Again. Hang in there!!! BTW - Have you started listening to Eckhart?? Even if you don't quite grasp or agree with it, it will have a positive psychological effect on you just making the attempt.... I did get it, but it was bent so it wouldn't plug in But thank you for the effort! Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 P.S. Drseussgrrl, Thank you for your advice. Sometimes it's really "strong" but it's exactly what I need. I appreciate it and I'm glad you haven't given up on me! Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I did get it, but it was bent so it wouldn't plug in But thank you for the effort! Crikey Sounds like the goons at USPS worked it over pretty good. Well, if I can, I will send another in a more robust package. I have a ton of those flash drives left over from my last teaching gig, so no worries... Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 P.S. Drseussgrrl, Thank you for your advice. Sometimes it's really "strong" but it's exactly what I need. I appreciate it and I'm glad you haven't given up on me! Well - truth be told I see a lot of my younger self in you. And I hate that I wasted so many of my younger years on men who weren't worth my time, who lied to me, who put me down, strung me along, and didn't care for my heart. I wish I could have talked to my younger self. In fact, I wish somebody had. They say that youth is wasted on the young, and this is why. If only I had known then. It sounds so cliche but it's true. You will get to a point with time and experience (hopefully) where you can recognize pretty much within the first few months whether or not a man is going to be worthy of your time, headspace, and heart. And you won't find yourself trying in vain to detach from someone so toxic for you for years on end. It will just come naturally not to want these types in your life, because you truly love yourself, and well, they don't. I truly hope this is the case for you, YNL. I see women my age, and going into their 40's who have a string of unhealthy, broken relationships behind them and the pattern repeats. It's almost as if every time their heart breaks, a piece of it is irretrievable and they have that much less to give to the next relationship. I know it isn't easy to just forget about him but these are your most prime, formative years and he doesn't deserve them. They are wasted on him. Please don't forget that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Went out to dinner with my mom. Broke down in the restaurant crying because I realized he was supposed to be here, next to me. When does this stop? Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 2 weeks of NC today. Last Thursday he put my second present in my car. I never said thank you. I feel guilty. I feel like a horrible person. I know I shouldn't. I haven't done anything wrong. But why do I feel so bad? I love him. Everywhere I go reminds me of him. Every time I'm in public and I hear a song, or smell a scent, or see a movie we watched together, or see a truck like his drive by...my eyes swell. I was at dinner with my mom and she was just talking about my plans for my Birthday. Boom. Tears start falling. I can't help it, it just comes out. I want to be alone. I knew this would happen. This was our trip we planned together. He was supposed to be with me right now. Right here. Holding my hand, going hiking, four wheeling, shopping, sleeping in the same bed, laughing together, taking pictures, making memories... I'm angry. I hate what he did to me. I hate how I let it get to me. I hate how I am alone, crying in bed, wishing he were here and god only knows what he is doing. I hate how he doesn't miss me. I know you all say this isn't about him, this time is about you, don't worry what he thinks or does. Well, I do. I hate it. It's not fair. I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self I want to know I can get through this, because I don't see the other side right now. I go through these stages of feeling numb, being angry and then being sad. It's a cycle that goes in circles throughout the day. Happiness is a merciful reward earned after an exhausting fight. It only visits for awhile, enough to pour a cup of tea and appreciate the cold breeze on my face. Then in a blink of an eye, it leaves, leaving the door open. And you're left wondering where it went off to in such a hurry. I never know. Happy Birthday Me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Keep going strong, YNL. Anger is a good emotion to have at this time, really. It keeps you from the moment of weakness where you consider going back to him (I've had similar fears as Drseussgirl about you doing that ). Sending you all the hugs I can muster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Hang in there! You are doing well. You've kept it together for this long and on your birthday. You have what it takes to make it through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Honey you know it ain't easy. Breakups suck. It's the worst pain imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You just have to hunker down, strap on oven mits and hide your phone. Grit your teeth. Cry. Whatever it takes. This is the tough sh*t. This is when you dig deep and prove to yourself what you're made of. Think of it this way. If you were to go back now, yeah you might feel relief for a little bit. But you KNOW, deep down, you would just have to face going through it again in the future. And again, and again. You got this. You're going to be ok. Please, please believe this. It gets easier. It really does. You'll even love again. Two years ago I had a wedding planned, a life with a lovely man where we shared a dog, family, a home that we had built over three years. I had my dream wedding dress, my wedding planned, invites had gone out. He broke up with me and never looked back. I was forced to move out of my home that I had known with him. Cancel my wedding. Sell my dress. It broke my heart. I thought I'd never be the same. In some ways, I guess I'm not. I know the girl he left me for, and they're now married with a baby. It was as if I never existed in his life. But you know what? I'm here - living and breathing. I even have another sweet boyfriend who's understanding of what I've been through. If I can do it - so can you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Of course you can do it. You are doing it every day. Even if it's the toughest thing ever, you add another day. Keep going! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 As someone here on LS who has diligently followed the NC route (almost 5 months), I can safely say it WILL get better. As I mentioned yesterday. You are currently in the teeth of this right now. This is some dark shyte. It will brighten. Hang tough!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Thank you guys :-) I woke up this morning with a SPLITTING headache that was in the front of my forehead, it felt like someone was drilling a hole. I was dripping in sweat, was dizzy and vomited. I don't know what it was, but it went away and I feel better now. I hope this isn't because I have a broken heart and my body is just suffering the consequences. I've never had migraines before so I don't know what it was. My mom made me breakfast this morning. Her and I are going to have a girl's day and go shopping, get my hair done, pedicure's and movie and dinner. Just relax and spend time with my favorite person. So far nothing from my ex, I think that would be the best present I could get, him not contacting me. I'd be more upset if he did. I know you guys suggest to just block him so I wouldn't have to worry about it either way, but then I would wonder. I'm not contacting him. And if he does contact me, more power to myself! I have a feeling he won't though. Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my day. I deserve it. Bless you guys for being there for me! <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Honey you know it ain't easy. Breakups suck. It's the worst pain imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You just have to hunker down, strap on oven mits and hide your phone. Grit your teeth. Cry. Whatever it takes. This is the tough sh*t. This is when you dig deep and prove to yourself what you're made of. Think of it this way. If you were to go back now, yeah you might feel relief for a little bit. But you KNOW, deep down, you would just have to face going through it again in the future. And again, and again. You got this. You're going to be ok. Please, please believe this. It gets easier. It really does. You'll even love again. Two years ago I had a wedding planned, a life with a lovely man where we shared a dog, family, a home that we had built over three years. I had my dream wedding dress, my wedding planned, invites had gone out. He broke up with me and never looked back. I was forced to move out of my home that I had known with him. Cancel my wedding. Sell my dress. It broke my heart. I thought I'd never be the same. In some ways, I guess I'm not. I know the girl he left me for, and they're now married with a baby. It was as if I never existed in his life. But you know what? I'm here - living and breathing. I even have another sweet boyfriend who's understanding of what I've been through. If I can do it - so can you. I'm so sorry you went through that :-( I can't imagine. What a strong person you are! Now I understand why you are so persistent. Thanks for sharing that with me, it gives me hope. I can get over this. I just have to get through the hard stuff first. Nothing that is worth it in the end will be easy. And I'm glad you met someone else. What a lucky person he is! Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 My ex didn't wish me Happy Birthday. Guess that's a good thing. Why does it hurt though? Link to post Share on other sites
Oldcatskinner Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 You may get mad at me for this; go ahead and get mad if you need to. You know full well why it hurts. Also, so what if he didn't wish you happy birthday. You and him are not together; think of it as him doing you a favor. No "bread crumbs". You have been done a good service. Get mad at the guy if it helps you heal. My goodness, he did not have enough respect for you and your space when he broke into your car to give you a "suck up" gift and now when he KNOWS it's your birthday he didn't even wish you happy birthday? Geez. Don't put up with that crap. On a word of caution, he may apologize for it in a day, few days, hours, some time from now, etc etc. How are you going to handle it? It's time to get prepared. It's time to do best for you. It's your birthday; give yourself the gift of becoming a better you on your terms for you and by you. Happy Birthday, friend! I'm glad that you've made it another year around the sun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 Thanks Skinner. I'm not mad at all. You are right. My heart is broken and the guy I loved didn't even think about me today. Didn't even care to say a word. Sure, it's my pity party. But that's how I feel. I think about him all the time. I guess I just expected him to say it. But I forgot...he was the one who fell out of love with me, why does he owe me anything anymore. It's over. And I guess it is for the best because if he were to say something it would be Day 1 for me. I would get anxious. Probably respond. Or not respond and then feel guilty. So it's a catch 22. I wish he did, but glad he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 I'm tired. I wake up every night. I check my phone to see if he called. He never does. I can't go back to sleep because my mind starts running. I don't want to go back to sleep anyways, all I do is dream of him. And when I'm awake all I do is think of him. He is every where I am. I don't want to let him go. I'm scared to let go. I like the pain too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 Wow this has shocked me. I guess I would have lost 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 dollars apparently. Who knew :-). His behaviour makes no sense to me. Why break into your car leave a camera case and not even acknowledge your birthday a week or so later....Maybe he was upset you didn't acknowledge it. Maybe he is a better guy then I give him credit for (I somehow doubt it). Makes no sense to me, but I am VERY happy to be wrong. It does hurt when an ex doesn't acknowledge a birthday. It's happened to me and I felt hurt to. I joined this site 5 days later, sadly she followed me here and still follows me, but that is another story entirely haha. In time it will be a blessing in disguise. This is almost a 'closure' now. If he doesn't contact you on your birthday, it probably means you no longer have to check your email, phone etc etc looking for a message. I know you have been relunctant to block him, but I think now is the perfect time. New start for a new birthday year. The last thing I want, everyone else on this thread wants and especially you want, is to be here another year later talking about this guy. I think it's time to REALLY start to move forward. To make this a real progress thread..What you reckon? From the get go his behavior has made sense to no one. He is a tough one. I get migraines now. And I can't sleep. This is harder than I thought. I'm really suffering that he doesn't give a hoot about me. It's hurts when you love someone and they don't give anything back, it takes the life out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I always just picture them having an awful time, that's why they don't get in touch. It helps. That is, until you discover that actually they're having a brilliant time Whenever I find myself second-guessing my ex too much, I think "What the hell. He left. When there was something worth saving it made sense to spend time trying to understand what he wants. Now he doesn't want to save anything, why should I spend my time interpreting his actions for him?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 I always just picture them having an awful time, that's why they don't get in touch. It helps. That is, until you discover that actually they're having a brilliant time Whenever I find myself second-guessing my ex too much, I think "What the hell. He left. When there was something worth saving it made sense to spend time trying to understand what he wants. Now he doesn't want to save anything, why should I spend my time interpreting his actions for him?" That is a good way of looking at things, but it doesn't stick with me. So up and down lately. This is hard. I just feel extremely lonely and confused. I want him to miss me. I even went as far as talking to psychics just so I can see what is going on, but I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Ups and downs are normal - I had a down day yesterday and am still recovering. Try to tell yourself, when you wake up, that you don't deserve to feel so hurt. You CAN feel so hurt, but you deserve to feel better. Concentrate on what it'll feel like when you feel better. It's not exactly "fake it 'til you make it", I can't do that either, but it helps you picture better times, which fights the hopelessness, and it helps you focus on yourself, not anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Situations like this tend to expose the worst in us. You're incredibly young, which means you have a chance to get control of it now and learn how to become your own mood expert. You have a leg up on a lot of people, who don't confront these sorts of things until much later in life. This could be a blessing in disguise for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Mack, how are you going to wake up at 6am and then chill in a jacuzzi until 1am? I'm 22 and even I couldn't pull that off 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 That is me, sad but true. Its why I post on this site. I don't want young people with all the potential in the world to lead a life like mine. My late 20's and 30's no direction in life, no motivation. An Ostrich with its head in its sand. Oh to have that time back...You have that 'time' I crave Young and you are wasting it like I did. Like you Young, all I can do is look forward and try enjoy the NOW. The only difference between you and I is, you still have that youth and exburence to achieve anything you want. I have to be more 'calculating' when it comes to taking risks. Doesn't mean I won't take them, I just have to me more careful and less carefree. There are certain restrictions there as you get older. People tend to judge more, opportunities tend to dwindle. You wake up one morning and say how the hell did I get here!?!? I know sometimes I come across as a 'know it all' but its only because of the amount of mistakes that I have made. Mistakes that have thought me hard lessons. To many hard lessons in truth. Its from that prespective that I can give advice from. I didn't fix me. I looked at so many ways to avoid having to fix me. Girlfriends came and went and it was always their fault. Endless weeks and months staying in relationships I never wanted to be in, analyzing why they did this and that while all the time ignoring the real problem. Me... I promise you if you keep going down this path and I showed you a crystal ball it would jolt the hell out of you. There has to come a time when you say ENOUGH. It took me until I was late 36...How long is it going to take you? Yep. This. I'm 34 and finally got it. And now I have a pretty sweet dude. But I'd by lying if I said I wasn't jealous of the girls 10 years younger than me who aren't wasting their precious time on a$$hats the way I did. Link to post Share on other sites
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