My boyfriend of five years cheated on me three years ago. How can we move on?

[Curious_imp]

I've just found out my boyfriend of five years cheated on me nearly three years ago with a one-night-stand. I found out because an up-till-now dormant STD developed symptoms. He wouldn't have told me otherwise - it would have destroyed our relationship at the time as it was already rocky.

 

Although there were circumstances at the time which basically pointed to him feeling pretty bad about our relationship and his life in general, he's honest about the fact that there's no excuse and that he doesn't deserve to be with me. He knows he should have told me at the time. He said it made him realise how much he really wanted to be with me at the time and is the biggest mistake he's ever made in his life. He's in pretty bad shape about the whole thing because of guilt and anger at himself for treating me so badly. He's in a worse state than me if truth be told.

 

There's a part of me that's glad about this. I want him to suffer for what he's risked. At the same time, our relationship now is much better than it was back then and we were extremely happy before I found out about the one-night-stand. We've been talking about marriage.

 

I don't want to be one of those gullible women who take their man back out of fear of being on their own - but surely everyone is allowed to make one mistake?

 

There were/are so many good things about our relationship now that I wouldn't want to dump him because of something that happened so long ago. I want us to stay together but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

 

I want him to make up for this huge mistake but how could he begin to?

 

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation who could offer me advice? I really don't know how to feel at this point.

[Pocky]

My husband and I are closer now after the affair than we were before.

[CurlyIam]

If he cheated on you three years agon, how come you've found out about the STD only now? Rather than give you an advice on that, I'd better tell you that Chlamidya left untreated can lead to infertility, so on and so on. Run all the tests each year (if you have no reason to do it more often)! Married or not. That is my rule.

 

The cheating is one problem. Tha fact that he did not protect hmself, that he exposed you and this could indanger your life is another.

[SoleMate]

I don't want to be one of those gullible women who take their man back out of fear of being on their own - but surely everyone is allowed to make one mistake?

This decision is totally your own. Make sure that you are not letting other people's opinions affect your feelings about this. My marriage counselor told me that most people in committed relationships (marriage, longterm bf/gf) swear that one sexual act by their partner outside the relationship will be a dealkiller, yet when it happens, the majority do cope, forgive, rebuild, and move on. Many people feel that a ONS is more forgivable than an ongoing and/or emotion-laden affair.

 

You may suggest asking him to take some positive, proactive steps to increase your confidence level. The idea is that he is the one who broke it, and he must take the lead role in fixing it. The steps should be chosen for your individual situation, and might include:

 

* Access to all passwords, screennames, etc. (essential in this Internet age)

* Daily or twice-daily phone calls to let you know where he is and who he's with

* Access to his cell phone and credit card bills, when you want, with no questions

* A written promise not to cheat again

* Full STD testing, for all the diseases they usually leave out, and providing you with written diagnoses from his lab or doctor

* Written promise to stay out of whatever special situation he was in that may have led to the ONS (like clubbing or travelling without you)

* Answering all your questions fully and openly, with no accusations or blowback from him

 

You have some limits on your behavior too. Once you have the facts about the past, you are not allowed to endlessly berate him (not that I think you have been). Check http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html for specific tips.

 

If he would do all this 110%, with a good attitude, I would take that as a strong and meaningful commitment and would probably forgive.

[Curious_imp]

Thanks all for your very speedy replies already.

 

Pocky

Thank you, that was reassuring

 

CurlyIam

I forgot to mention that he did use protection but that he was very drunk and it obviously did not work. Chlamydia can be passed on orally as well.

 

I'm aware that chlamydia can cause infertility long-term, and am looking into tests. That is a whole seperate problem. I'm sure that if he'd been aware that he had chlamydia, he would've told me about it and therefore not endangered me at all.

Thanks for your concern.

 

Solemate, thank you.

 

I will certainly ask him about

* Access to his cell phone and credit card bills, when you want, with no questions

* A written promise not to cheat again

* Full STD testing, for all the diseases they usually leave out, and providing you with written diagnoses from his lab or doctor

* Written promise to stay out of whatever special situation he was in that may have led to the ONS (like clubbing or travelling without you).

 

If anone else can offer me any more advice, any help would be much appreciated.

[Sukotto]

What is important is that you start trusting him again, the longer you go with these questions in the back of your mind thinking what he might be up to the more destructive it will be. If your sure he's only done this the once and he's showing remorse and regret for his actions then I'd say give him another chance.

 

As long as you get the actual reason for why he done it then you should be ok. You can work on the issues that caused it if they're still valid, dont take any pish from him about being drunk, when I'm drunk I might find the people in the clubs more attractive but acting on it isn't acceptable, no one can be so drunk that they forget a partner.

 

If it comes to it then you should drag him to a relationship counsellor, if your talking about marriage then it should at least get off on the right foot and trust issues isn't exactly a great thing.

[CurlyIam]

Does he remember whom he had sex with? Where he had it with that person?

 

Personally, one night stands I think are easier to forgive than affairs. My biggest problem would be:

 

A. that he got so drank that hedoes not remember not using condom or not

B. that he did not tell you right before about it (mainly, there are some STD that one still might catch even when using a condom. So you would still have needed to know, even if we are strictly speaking from a medical pov)

 

 

I think a one night stand, when one is trully vulnerable and drunk enough can be surpassed by a strong woman. It still is betrayal, but it's not nearly as bad as having an affair. A one night stand does not turn that person into a current cheater.

 

 

 

Bad stuff happen every day. Some of them will be his fault, others won't. The most important thing (to me) in a relationship is how you choose to deal with it. By facing it or by hidding it. That's my issue.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I'm being too harsh here, but someone who'd put me at risk, my life, my not being to have babies... even if there's the smallest possibility.... That is what would make me really wonder (I'd get really mad and irrational too, but that's me).

 

I'm sure you don't want to hear bad things here about what could have happened... but think of how much this little detail (wearing a condom, not telling, not telling about not wearing a condom) says about him.

 

Do you believe him? How can he not have realised he did not use a condom? Did he have 2 condoms in his pockets and one of them slipped the day after? He didn't tell you about cheating in the first place. Would he tell you about him NOT using a condom?

 

 

 

 

I'll say what I think: he took his pleasure and didn't give a damn about the consequences (drunk or not). Realised he made a mistake and was too chicken to face the consequences of his deeds.

 

To me his cheating comes second to the main problem: not telling. Not about the cheating,but about putting you in danger and about how totally irresponsale he acted.

 

I know no woman who'd stay with a man for 5 years and not be inlove with her man. I am not telling you this to hurt you. But to make you wonder. And think. And compare his deeds to other things he might have made in the past... and to make you put the puzzle together and have a clear picture.

 

There's no shame in choosing to stay in this relationship even now. The main thing is that you know the person next to you (for now or later in life) and that you're not lying to yourself. That you know what to expect from him later on,when you'll maybe need to rely on him, to depend on him.

 

Take care,

 

Curly

[Curious_imp]

He seemed truely surprised when I told him I had an STD. I think he was pretty sure he'd been safe and not put me into danger.

 

We've talked about why he did it - it seemed to be a self-destruct night triggered by the problems in his life at the time. He didn't care about the consequences because he didn't care about anything at that point.

 

That changed the next morning when he realised what he'd done.

 

I'd agree with you, Curly. The fact that he didn't tell me shows that he didn't respect me enough to make decisions about our relationship together. He was too cowardly to face up to the consequences of his actions. He's looked me in the eye and lied time and time and time again since then, telling me he'd never cheated.

 

At the same time - the fact he lied to me probably saved our relationship. We probably would have broken up if he had told me then, whereas now we might get over it.

 

I'm really worried about my chances of having children now. He is as well. I think he feels inexpressably guilty about what his actions may have done to my body. I'll have to deal with that if and when it comes up in the tests. I'm just trying to cope with this just now. It's just hitting me after three days.

 

I don't know if I do really know him, if I'll ever be able to rely on him when I need him. I don't know if he can rely on me enough to talk to me before he feels so self-destructive. Like you say, Curly, bad stuff happens every day. If he can't deal with it on his own, he shouldn't sleep with another woman to get over it.

 

He tells me he hasn't cheated on me before that one time or since, but he hasn't given me any guarantees over whether he'll be able to stop himself doing it again or not. It's his way of being honest. How can anyone possibly guarantee how they'll act in the future? It's ****, I know. He should be able to promise me not to do it again.

 

I'm so confused. On one hand I love him. On the other, I can't trust him. Not right now anyway.

[CurlyIam]

Woow, I see a sea of RED FLAGS . Let's look at the facts for a minute.

 

 

First:He tells me he hasn't cheated on me before

 

Riiight, he also told you before he never cheated.... Of course, he can really mean it. But it would imply you'd trust him. Again. Ok, no proven fact here.

 

Second: but he hasn't given me any guarantees. To a certain degree, that's fair. Given the right person, anyone can fall inlove with someone new. But that's not the point. We're talking cheating phisically. I cannot promise my bf I willnever cheat, if someone puts me something on my drink who knows what I might do. Yet, I do promise him that I will never deliberately hurt him and that I will make the best I can never to cheat him.

 

Third: he'll be able to stop himself . We are not talkingabout heroine or cocaine. This is not a dependancy. Cheating is a deliberate act, wheather anticipated or not. It is an act of will. It is not about "being able to",but about "wanting to", about "deciding to". About making a commitment. After 5 years he is still in the known, I only hope that you guys are very very young.

 

 

 

It's his way of being honest. Nope, to me this is a man that sees he's about to get away with it and tries to cover his behind for when he'll feel like doing so again. This is NOT being honest. This is him trying to manipulate you through by using a lame game of logic.

 

How can anyone possibly guarantee how they'll act in the future? Not even you are not convinced by this argument.

 

 

He should be able to promise me not to do it again I don't know... I don't think he "should" anything. This is not about how things should be or should not be. IT's about how things are. And right now, this is how things are: after 3 years of you not knowing you had STDs and a one night stand, your 5 years bf isn't giving you any guarantee that he won't do it again. Your feelings, an entire relationship, 5 years, and still, he's not sure that he can't keep his pants on.....

 

 

Think if this is enough for you. If you can afford to go through this again, another time, when you'll most probably not have the time, disposition or energy to get to the bottom of it. Picture a highly demanding job or worse, exams that demand your full attention, or one kid or two around.

 

 

This may sound shallow - what I'm gonna say - but when I'm really sad and uncertain, I try not to think of it and go on with my life. The answer always comes to me. In the mean time, rent "Bridget Jones' Diary". It will make you smile and "something about a man not being quite sure of what he wants" might ring a bell....

 

 

Take your time and don't be afraid to ask questions. See the doc asap.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Curious Imp

 

I agree with Curly in that more serious points of concern were raised in your later post, just a couple of additions id like to chip in:

 

but he hasn't given me any guarantees

 

He should be able to give you a guarantee that he will talk to you about his feelings as and when they come up so they don’t become bottled up causing enough emotional distance between you that he feels cheating is a viable option. And he should be able to guarantee if it happens again, he tells you. Full stop. Then you can make your own decisions about this relationship if you decide to stay.

he'll be able to stop himself

 

I thought he had cheated because you were having relationship problems. This implies he’s rabid with testosterone and, given the opportunity, that testosterone would override any feelings he has for you. I would want this clarified.

 

BB

[SoleMate]

If he's saying he can't guarantee it won't happen again, then I think you should take him very seriously. What is he saying? That he is unable to control himself? That whenever he has life problems, it's acceptable for him to ease his pain with a fling?

 

If you knew for a fact that it would happen again, would you want him gone right now? And keep in mind how likely the circumstances that "caused" him to do this are to recur.

[Jilly10340]

I'd like to chip in.

 

I know that you say that he's eaten up with guilt and is taking this harder then even you are. But, has he also been eaten up with guilt the past three years after he cheated on you? I don't think so or it would've come up by now.

 

He only feels bad because now you know and you got a STD from it. And the only reason that you know IS that you got the STD from it. Shame on him.

[Curious_imp]

Just to say thanks again for all your posts. They've really helped and made me think.

 

He does say he's felt guilty. I believe that he didn't want to lose me and that's why he didn't own up straight away. The fact that he does care about me so much now makes me think that he probably has felt guilty.

 

Although the fact that he has lied so much to me about this means that I can never trust him not to tell me lies. I don't think I ever entirely will. he may have cheated a long time ago, but he's been lying since then up until he couldn't lie any longer. That hurts as much as the fact that he cheated - maybe more.

 

He has now guaranteed that before problems get so bad that he needs a pick-me-up outside of the relationship that he'll talk to me. He's been much more communicative in the last year or two and can talk about his feelings. Our relationship - before I found out about the STD - was stronger than it's ever been.

 

I believe that he'll not want to hurt me again and therefore not cheat again. I think. It's difficult though.

 

I want to work at the relationship, but I'm scared. What if we can't get over this?

 

How can he make it up to me?

How can he help me trust him again?

 

I guess time will help. I'm just not looking forward to feeling suspicious for the next however many months/years.

[SoleMate]

How can he make it up to me?

How can he help me trust him again?

He needs to work HARD at rebuilding the trust he destroyed. He needs to be proactive on this - not you. You will trust naturally when you realize that his behavior warrants it.

 

I guess time will help.

Only if he is actively making amends.