Thoughts needed..Quickly!

[Aunt Fairy]

Very long story short, my ex bf broke up with me two years ago. Initially I begged, pleaded & done all the other desperate & pathetic stuff! Eventually I brushed myself off & moved on. We stayed friendly(ish) every couple of months we would send afew txts just to say hi and catch up, nothing about relationships past or present, just very light chit chat.

 

So a month ago he text & asked if I was seeing anybody, I joked around and wouldnt give him an answer straight off but eventually I told him not right now, and thought no more of it.. Anyway to cut to the point, he text me late last week asking to meet up to talk.. I naturally asked why, and he told me how he has changed and misses me so much & is truely sorry for hurting me and how he made a huge mistake by ending our relationship, and doesnt know why it took him so long to realise I was The One!

 

So trying not to sound too excited I said I might be free next Friday (3days from now!) He sounded a little disapointed that it couldnt be sooner but I lied & said I was busy..

 

So I told him before I agreed to meet him that I would need him to open up and tell me the exact reasons for the break up, what has changed since then and over all I told him I would need to see proof of this so called change!

He agreed 100% and confirmed thats the exact type of thing he wanted to discuss..

I have to admit he does seem different, he seems alot more mature & just over all more settled in himself. He even said that IF I agreed to meet him and If i gave him another chance that he thinks we should take it really slow! I obviously totally agree, but from the guy who threw himself into everything head first, this in itself screams maturity to me... For what its worth he also told me he hasnt been with any other girls since me!! (2yrs)

 

I will also admit it feels really good to be the one in control this time, as last time I was clearly more invested in the relationship than he was! Obviously Im going to meet him Friday and while Im secretly counting down the hours Im reluctant to let him see that side of me again so soon! I feel confident and in control.. Im going there with an open mind and with no expectations, if nothing else I will get the answers I desperatley wanted. Its been a year since we've seen eachother.

 

I realise we will have to fully discuss everything that has happened and see where things are from there, but personally I feel it would have to be a whole fresh start... We surely cant just pick up where we left off two years ago??

 

But I guess my real query is, How do you go about starting over and dating someone who you truely love but who also hurt u & broke your heart and as a result your now reluctant to trust him & open up incase he hurts you again..??? Even just speaking to him on the phone has brought back so many old familiar warm & fuzzy feelings. I know Im going to find it so hard not to throw my arms around him as soon as I see him!!

 

I would really appriciate any advice or suggestions anyone might have on this matter...

PS. He is now 27 and Im 24

[AllTooWell]

I'm really happy for you and I hope this works out in your favor!

 

You bring up a good point, though.

 

Before you meet I think you need to do some serious thinking. Go to a peaceful place, like a park or something, and bring paper and a pen.

 

Do you honestly think that you can love this man again, with all of your heart? Do you honestly think you will be able to trust him after he broke your heart? Will you be able to be committed, loving, caring and trustworthy yourself?

 

You need to really think about that before committing to anything and risking hurting each other again.

 

 

Try to keep your mind open and try NOT to do much talking. Let him come to you and say what he needs to say. After you guys talk, tell him you need MORE time to think.

 

 

Good luck, let us know what happens!

[Aunt Fairy]

Thanks for your reply AllTooWell..

 

I love this man, that I am sure of! I tryed dating two other guys during our break up but I was constantly comparing them to him, when they held me kissed me etc it was him I was longing for. Ive waited a long time to hear him say all this.

 

I think the problem is that we didnt have any problems in our relationship that caused it to end, we were getting on great until one day he just announced that he wasnt able to give me the commitment that I or our relationship deserved, at that time, and he was afraid if we stayed together that we would only end up fighting and hating eachother because of it... Looking back now even as I write this I guess that was more mature than I gave him credit for at the time! Instead I called him every name under the sun including a commitment phobe, that was my personal favorite!!

 

He did say at the time that we were'nt done yet, maybe he really did end things with our best interest in mind, and maybe he did genuinely go away and spend all this time sorting himself out so he would be able to give our relationship a better chance...

 

Im probably over thinking everything now!!

I will keep u posted!

[mano]

Apart for 2 years n then just returning back n asked to meet up. Well please just dont jump into it that soon. Make sure he removes all of your concerns n convinces u completely. 2 years is a long time. If he is the one. Do go for it. Wish u luck. Stay blessed.

[Aunt Fairy]

Thanks mano..

 

We have kept in touch, but yes, he has suddenly come at me with all this talk of change and how sorry he is for hurting me and been such a fool etc..

I do love him very much, and have never felt the type of connection we have with anyone else.

Im in no rush what so ever, Ive waited this long! Plus he even stated several times that he wants to do this slowly & properly so that he can try his best to fully make it up to me and ensure he never hurts me again... those were his exact words!

 

Thank you for you advice & kind blessing!

[Aunt Fairy]

I guess the main reason I posted this on here was to make sure Im on the correct thinking path, and that Im not just getting over whelmed and too excited at his sudden revelation!

 

The last few days, I have been friendly with glimpses of warmth but firm, nothing like I would have been in the past. Im in control of this situation this time round and thats the way its going to stay!!

He walked out on me for whatever reasons, good or bad, he broke my heart so he is going to have to do a bloody good job at proving hes serious about us this time.. and if he has to sweat it out for awhile, well thats just tough!!

 

Can anyone suggest specific questions or anything I should ask him??

[eachcomingnight]

Hi, Aunt Fairy. I may find myself in a similar boat shortly, although that remains to be seen. I've been thinking about some of the questions I may ask him the next time we meet up, if he seems interested in reconciliation. Among them -

 

What has changed since our break-up? (Specifically, how does he think he has changed?)

 

Have you gained insight over these past few years into the reasons that you were not able to commit back then?

 

I know that many people say not to dwell on the past and I think that's important - however, I also think it's important to "clear the air" as if you leave the past as a giant question mark and have no idea why he walked out the first time, I'm not sure how you could trust him moving forward.

[Aunt Fairy]

eachcomingnight - Yes, those two questions you mentioned are on the top of my list! He actually told me to wright a list of things I want to ask him so theres nothing I forget and later may regret not asking.. I think this would feel too awkward though!!

 

I agree that the past must be brought up and and afew things cleared up, I plan on getting my answers I need regarding our past and then closing the door on it.

 

If I feel like we can give this another go after speaking to him, then I cant keep thinking back on whats happened and wondering will it happen again.. While I will never forget what he put me through, if we give this another shot then it has got to be a fresh new start!

 

I think the best way I can handle it would be to treat it like the start of any new relationship, dates and making out included!

[happydate]

Blessings and joy for both of you if you both are indeed made to be together.

 

I have a feeling that he's on a fishing expedition. He knows why he dumped you. There are only 2 reasons. One is if he's commitment phobic and two is that your attitude drove him away. Remember that you begged and pleaded with him to come back and yet it took him 2 years to make up his mind? But I've read something like this ending up with marriage and kids. So stranger things can happen.

 

First date: Both of you should be light, positive and funny and should prevent talking about the relationship past. Talk about what you guys did during the 2 yrs. Don't bring up the list. Don't bring up why he dumped you etc.. If he starts pushing it, tell him that I'm going in slow now. He's going to wait and let you blurb out your whole life story of what you did. If he's doing minimum talking, he's fishing. Get him to talk more or at least you guys are equally conversing. Be honest in your answers. He should be. If he's not, he's hiding something which means he's got some kind of agenda going. Don't spend too long on the first date. Just be there to get to know him and see if there's a spark or connection.

 

Second date is when you can be a little bit serious. Depending on the issues he had with you that caused him to dump you, you may have already outgrown it or you may not. Remember that the two of you were longing for each other, which meant that there weren't any proper closure between the two yet. There might be a chance that the next break up would be the final closure or it might not. It's a risk you have to take.

[eachcomingnight]

Blessings and joy for both of you if you both are indeed made to be together.

 

I have a feeling that he's on a fishing expedition. He knows why he dumped you. There are only 2 reasons. One is if he's commitment phobic and two is that your attitude drove him away. Remember that you begged and pleaded with him to come back and yet it took him 2 years to make up his mind? But I've read something like this ending up with marriage and kids. So stranger things can happen.

 

First date: Both of you should be light, positive and funny and should prevent talking about the relationship past. Talk about what you guys did during the 2 yrs. Don't bring up the list. Don't bring up why he dumped you etc.. If he starts pushing it, tell him that I'm going in slow now. He's going to wait and let you blurb out your whole life story of what you did. If he's doing minimum talking, he's fishing. Get him to talk more or at least you guys are equally conversing. Be honest in your answers. He should be. If he's not, he's hiding something which means he's got some kind of agenda going. Don't spend too long on the first date. Just be there to get to know him and see if there's a spark or connection.

 

Second date is when you can be a little bit serious. Depending on the issues he had with you that caused him to dump you, you may have already outgrown it or you may not. Remember that the two of you were longing for each other, which meant that there weren't any proper closure between the two yet. There might be a chance that the next break up would be the final closure or it might not. It's a risk you have to take.

 

Interesting thoughts here... I guess this might make more sense in your situation given that it has been so long since you have really been in touch with each other. I feel like since it has only been a few months for me and since I have already seen him recently I feel we've already covered the "first date" territory - but in your case perhaps this suggestion would be the best option. After all, you'll want to know if YOU are still truly interested after all this time, and to sense that you still have the potential for a special connection, before cutting straight to the deeper questions.

[eachcomingnight]

Also, keeping it light at first would make it more likely that he'd see how strong and independent you are, rather than seeing you as someone that will just show up at his beck and call ready to get serious again.

[happydate]

Also, keeping it light at first would make it more likely that he'd see how strong and independent you are, rather than seeing you as someone that will just show up at his beck and call ready to get serious again.

 

I'm glad you understood me well.

 

Good luck!

[Aunt Fairy]

Im just afraid in doing that, an going on a light & fun date that I will fall for him again and I dont want to do that without hearing everything and getting all my answers first so I then know where I stand amd if I want to proceed then...

I can totally see where your coming from but I feel I will drop my guard if I dont get it all said and done first!

 

I dont think he is fishing, he defenitley sounds more mature and seems to realise what he wants , not just from me but life in general. He has said several times he doesnt want to discuss it over the phone, that he at the very least would like the oppertunity to sit face to face and explain everything & answer all the questions Im bound to have.

He went on to say that the ball is in my court now, hes gone away and sorted his life out and worked on himself in order to give both myself & our relationship what we deserve, and its up to me if I could forgive him after we discuss everything and be willing to try again. On numerous occasions both in the last few days & at the time of break up he repeatedly said it wasnt my fault, that it was down to his problems & lack of stability in his life for such a potentially serious relationship.. In a way I found this very hard because there was literally nothing I could do at the time!

 

Right now Im trying not to overthink things and Im leaving all the contact up to him, which he now initiates everyday!

Edited July 17, 2013 by Aunt Fairy

[aMguilts]

hi aunt fairy

 

can i be the 1 to put a spanner in the works so to speak?

rarely does a leopard `change his spots`

 

be very wary ok?

you seem to be letting infatuation with this , well EX , cloud you.

take things really slow

keep the next time you meet him to say an hour at most.

then say you have something to do and have to go.

 

Don`t rush it,

test the hell out of him to see if he really has changed.

 

good luck

 

aM

[along60years]

Just be careful... if he hasn't dated anyone in 2 years he may just be feeling pathetic and like he's never going to find anyone else, or he may not be telling the truth and could have dated losers or been dumped and running back to safety.

 

That being said, trust is a choice and you have to decide if this man is worth giving your heart again and with that the chance to break it. I do believe you are thinking clearly now though and have a good plan, so just don't forget it when the butterflies swarm. Good luck!

[Aunt Fairy]

Thank you Along60years, Im feeling strong and in control and I plan on bringing this attitude with me on Friday.

I know his sister had tryed on several occasions after our break up to set him up with friends of hers but he had no interest at all, she told me that herself at the time! They are very close and apparently he has been talking with her alot lately about me (unfortunetly I cant ask about what exactly because it was him who told me!)

 

He wont tell me much over the phone or go into any detail, he said he wants to wait and talk about all the serious stuff face to face so I know hes sincere. He does however keep saying how hes changed and I will see that when we meet but to be honest I can already see a change in his attitude, so I guess we will just have to wait and see!

 

He has also mentioned afew times how hes really looking forward to seeing me and hes actually getting excited! Tonight I got kisses from him at the end of afew texts, but I disnt pay any attention or comment about them!

[eachcomingnight]

Let us know what happens today!

[Aunt Fairy]

Well we met up and went for a walk through the park. Before I got there I had a text from him saying how nervous/excited he was to see me, I played it down and laughed it off but secretly I felt exactly the same!!

 

So to keep it brief, he poured his heart out..not in a soppy oh god this is awkward kind of way but in a oh god he finally has grown up and is finally able to express how he feels kind of way!!

 

Basically he said the reason for breaking up with me last time was because he knew how special I was, and how I was the girl he wanted to spend his life with but that the timing was all off. He was just gone 25 and certainly wasnt planning on meeting The One (his words!) so he did what he thought was best and went away to sort out his life and grow up to be the man I deserved to have...

He also said he didnt want to hurt me but knew if we stayed together back then that I would of endid up hating him and how it broke his heart sending me away knowing he was risking losing me for good..

 

He spent the two years organising his life and adding structure to it. He went and got counceling and for the first time has a pathway he wants to follow in life and knows exactly where he wants to go and who he wants beside him every step of the way.

 

There was an awful lot more, I hardly got a word in until the end! He repeatidly said if I was willing to give him the chance to prove to me how he'd changed, then he would spend the rest of his life trying.. He knows how genuine my love for him was and he wants to give that back to me ten fold. No matter what happens and what life throws at us, he said he wants to work through it and grow old together.. He even went as far as to say, for the first time in his life he thought about having children, & realised he wouldnt want any other woman to be their mother..

 

He said he fully understood how much he had to prove and that with time and by his actions speaking louder than words, that he intended to fully rebuild my trust in him, and If that took weeks/months or years he really didnt care..

 

So I was sent away to think about everything we spoke about and to take as long as I needid.

 

Before we said goodbye he asked for a hug and I must admit it felt so comforting and genuine, after all he had put me through & all the hurt he caused me, I felt safe in his arms, and he squeezed me so tightly and held on as if he was almost afraid to let me leave. He gently kissed my shoulder and whispered in my ear, I know I dont deserve it but all Im asking for is one chance to prove how much Ive changed & Ill spend my life making it up to you, thats a promise..

 

 

So there it is ladies and gentlemen, well the shortend version anyway! Its 2am and Im half asleep so appolagise for any typo's!

Please feel free to leave a comment, Id love to get oppinions, and I will stop by tomorrow when I can think straight..

[Aunt Fairy]

He also said he would be willing to move closer to me, and would be able to do so in the new year, mentioned how it would show that he is commited this time, & how it would be up to me if I would move in with him but he wouldnt expect me to or put any pressure on me to do so, but Id be more than welcome too.. We currently live an hours drive from eachother!

[eachcomingnight]

Wow - that's a lot to take in! How are you feeling about all of it?

[Aunt Fairy]

I feel good.. He has most deffenitly changed and matured an awful lot! So Im just going to take it very slow and see how it goes day by day.. I was so nervous going to see him just because it had been so long, over a year, but as soon as I saw him I totally relaxed and it felt like no time had passed at all, like We had only seen eachother the day before..

[aMguilts]

Hey again

Glad the meeting went ok:-)

 

Don't rush into anything!!!

Let alone moving in with him!

Let his actions speak louder than his words

aM

[darkmoon]

the rest of his life? he wants children? I would want a ring, not a tenancy agreement, sorry, but you did ask for input, if you move in with him fall pregnant and it all goes wrong, can happen, idk, no ring is an insecure situation, so is moving in to his place, relying on his dollar and goodwill, eeek, is this guy really thinking long-term or not?

Edited July 20, 2013 by darkmoon

[Aunt Fairy]

Sorry I was tired and rushing while I was writing that post and maybe didnt explain properly.. He mentioned moving up closer to me as a sign that he was 100% commited to our relationship this time, and so we would be able to spend more time together and after some time had passed If I was willing & comfortable to move in with him I would be more than welcome to.

 

Marriage was also mentioned, as in he can honestly see himself marrying me one day. He knows well that regardless of our current situation I am in no rush what so ever to have children and dont plan on doing so for several years yet!

 

I most defenitley plan on taking things very slowly. He mentioned a family wedding in August, but I told him it was too soon to be re introduced into the family & all the pressures that come with that. I could see he was a little dissapointed but he said he fully understood & didnt want to rush me...

 

Appolagise for rushing the last post!

Edited July 21, 2013 by Aunt Fairy

[BC1980]

I hope everything works out for you. It's good that you are taking things slow and making sure you are in control. It sounds like you are on the right track.