Difficulty in seeing my MM lover

[goldengirl11]

I last saw him about a month ago, when we met for a drink after we finished work (he stopped off at a station near me). His job recently finished though which he was really disappointed about, but he said that it might make things easier for us. However, in my opinion, it has made it much harder! You see am working in the day (v hectic job at hosp) Mon - Fri and of course meeting in evenings/weekends is not convenient for him for obvious reasons. Unless it is at short notice e.g when he'll discover near the time that he'll be on his own then (he lives with wife and older children). I started my job earlier this year and am still trying to keep a good attendance record, as I haven't had it in writing yet to tell me that the job is permanent, only verbally. He is in my area this week i.e Thurs or before, when he'd like to see me and I'm keen to also. I wasn't able to get a day off work though before (my team leader is on holiday right now), so as I won't be off 'til next Monday which seems a while away, I told him that I was tempted to ring in sick in the next couple of days, so we could spend most of the day together. He said that he may be able to do Monday, but not sure yet. He seems to be acting keen again, after giving me the impression that things were cooling off. I do miss him though and fear he might lose interest again, if I don't make more of an effort. Any advice? Ps I told him that I have a dentist appointment this Fri, but he says he doesn't have a car then (I would be happy to visit near him though). I have asked work if I could leave earlier that day.

Edited July 16, 2013 by goldengirl11

[Leegh]

I would see him for a limited amount of time, a few more months, then he will have to make a decision. Sometimes MM do leave their wives, and since he is seeing you, there must be some problem with his wife, as I believe happily MM do not go out with other women. Does he have any children? In other words, give him a chance, but try not to see him for years and years, as there are other men out there, that are hopefully single.

[fanine]

I last saw him about a month ago, when we met for a drink after we finished work (he stopped off at a station near me). His job recently finished though which he was really disappointed about, but he said that it might make things easier for us. However, in my opinion, it has made it much harder! You see am working in the day Mon - Fri and of course meeting in evenings/weekends is not convenient for him for obvious reasons. Unless it is at short notice e.g he'll discover near the time that he'll be on his own then. I started my job earlier this year and am still trying to keep a good attendance record, as I haven't had it in writing yet to tell me that the job is permanent, only verbally. He is in my area this week i.e Thurs or before, when he'd like to see me and I'm keen to also. I wasn't able to get a day off work though before (my team leader is on holiday right now), so as I won't be off 'til next Monday which seems a while away, I was tempted to ring in sick in the next couple of days, so we could spend most of the day together. He said that he may be able to do Monday, but not sure yet. He seems to be acting keen again, after giving me the impression that things were cooling off. I do miss him though. Any advice?

 

goldengirl, I did all that, going sick from work so I could be free when HE was. It is a trap we get into - and basically it allows our MM to control our lives completely. ( I did it only last week....and have finally just gone NC)

 

I know you really want to see him, but is it worth telling lies yourself, and thereby do what he is doing, lying to his wife to see you? Your work also could suffer.

 

I'm not telling you not to do it, I did it all the time, and I know my work did start to suffer - it also made him think I would always be free when he wanted to see me. Then the odd times I was not I would feel bad - I would feel bad I actually had to go to work and make money! and I would feel he was not too happy.

It is a trap that is easy to fall into. It sets a pattern as well. If this was a normal relationship would you necessarily do that? That is the big problem with seeing a MM, we fit around them. So the relationship is not equal.

 

Just my thoughts, and if you do do it, no criticism...

[Owl]

Not to be rude, but you got what you signed up for.

 

He's only going to be available to you on sporadic, short term notice.

 

Either accept it, or end it.

 

I don't see much other choice for you...do you?

[goldengirl11]

goldengirl, I did all that, going sick from work so I could be free when HE was. It is a trap we get into - and basically it allows our MM to control our lives completely. ( I did it only last week....and have finally just gone NC)

 

I know you really want to see him, but is it worth telling lies yourself, and thereby do what he is doing, lying to his wife to see you? Your work also could suffer.

 

I'm not telling you not to do it, I did it all the time, and I know my work did start to suffer - it also made him think I would always be free when he wanted to see me. Then the odd times I was not I would feel bad - I would feel bad I actually had to go to work and make money! and I would feel he was not too happy.

It is a trap that is easy to fall into. It sets a pattern as well. If this was a normal relationship would you necessarily do that? That is the big problem with seeing a MM, we fit around them. So the relationship is not equal.

 

Just my thoughts, and if you do do it, no criticism...

 

Thank you for your prompt replies. Am feeling a bit sick at the mo tbh as he texted me this morning to check if we were meeting today. We both then wished each other a good day and I said would speak later, but now I don't know what to say re meeting up this week!

[goldengirl11]

I would see him for a limited amount of time, a few more months, then he will have to make a decision. Sometimes MM do leave their wives, and since he is seeing you, there must be some problem with his wife, as I believe happily MM do not go out with other women. Does he have any children? In other words, give him a chance, but try not to see him for years and years, as there are other men out there, that are hopefully single.

 

Yes, thanks. Have been seeing him on and off I guess for a year now. He does have 2 children yes, one in her late teens and the other in his early twenties. I don't though.

[Leegh]

His kids are old enough so that he would not feel obligated to stay with his wife, as I think when kids are young, the MM feels an obligation to stay, mostly because of the kids.

[goldengirl11]

goldengirl, I did all that, going sick from work so I could be free when HE was. It is a trap we get into - and basically it allows our MM to control our lives completely. ( I did it only last week....and have finally just gone NC)

 

I know you really want to see him, but is it worth telling lies yourself, and thereby do what he is doing, lying to his wife to see you? Your work also could suffer.

 

I'm not telling you not to do it, I did it all the time, and I know my work did start to suffer - it also made him think I would always be free when he wanted to see me. Then the odd times I was not I would feel bad - I would feel bad I actually had to go to work and make money! and I would feel he was not too happy.

It is a trap that is easy to fall into. It sets a pattern as well. If this was a normal relationship would you necessarily do that? That is the big problem with seeing a MM, we fit around them. So the relationship is not equal.

 

Just my thoughts, and if you do do it, no criticism...

 

If it was a normal relationship, I don't think I would do it, no! There wouldn't be any need really I don't think, as you'd know you would see them again soon! It also makes me feel angry when I'm not allowed time off work, because I can't explain why I need it! I then feel so envious of other female colleagues with normal happy relationships.

[goldengirl11]

I suggested to him the idea of meeting me at work for lunch, but he said it would be too rushed and didn't want to meet me in work mode. Better than nothing I thought! It also made me wonder if he's perhaps just interested in meeting me round mine i.e to have sex. I might be wrong though.

[fanine]

If it was a normal relationship, I don't think I would do it, no! There wouldn't be any need really I don't think, as you'd know you would see them again soon! It also makes me feel angry when I'm not allowed time off work, because I can't explain why I need it! I then feel so envious of other female colleagues with normal happy relationships.

 

'If it was a normal relationship'.....do we really want to be in an abnormal one?

 

This is why these situations feel so crap. Don't we deserve normal relationships? Yes, we do.

 

I used to get so frustrated if I could not get time off work too. I became a complete doormat though...and I totally understand how you feel looking back at other threads you posted.

 

I am far too kind hearted and always think the best of people - and with my xMM always did that too (remember though NC only 3 days!)

 

He would end up twisting things so I always felt apologetic, even when he was the one at fault!

 

I felt like I was a doll in a box that he would take out to play whenever he felt like it.

 

True when we were together we had a wonderful time. Not just sex, sometimes going out and not having sex. We shared the same interests and would spend hours together watching programmes we both liked on TV, we shared a circle of friends (who knew I was a girlfriend and he had a wife at home) and would spend days and evenings out with them.

 

But still I always had to fit around him. It got to the point where I did not arrange to meet friends etc unless I knew he would definitely not be free. I always feared if I was out he might suddenly call and be free - and then I would feel guilty I could not see him!

 

This is really not a way to live. I am 44 now. i was married for 9 years and that was nothing like this.

 

I still want to get married again - and yes if possible have children - though through IVF probably at my age.

 

I have wasted a valuable 1 1/2 years on a man I do feel a truly love - and I am sure he has feelings for me - but I would always be second best to his wife and family.

 

I began to change as a person...you are 34 - if you can try and get out of this - if you do really want a family and kids. As a woman age is much more of a factor than for men..unfortunately.

 

BUT if you do want to get out of it, make sure you are fully ready.

 

We saw each other 2-3 times a week - he would usually stay 1-2 nights a week but that was not enough for me as time went on.

 

I would sometimes feel really down when he left after we had an amazing night together. In a normal relationship I would have felt over the moon.

 

This is not a way for us to feel. We need to build our self-esteem and not have abandonment issues.

 

Please chat if you ever need to fellow brit x

[goldengirl11]

Please don't risk your job for MM. You need to set your priorities straight. You will always need work but MM will not always be in your life.

 

Perhaps I am hoping he will be though, even if it is unlikely.

[fanine]

Perhaps I am hoping he will be though, even if it is unlikely.

 

That's why we all stayed with them. That hope it would all have a fairy tale ending.....a tiny, tiny number do. But from what I can gather the MM who do leave are stable and not taking the piss. They think carefully about it all and if they truly think their marriage is no good, they will work slowly on getting together properly with their OW.

 

But in our cases - I think no. We have allowed ourselves to become doormats. The dynamics have been set. Both MM claim they will not leave their other halves. We have to hear the reality in our head, and not dream in our hearts. We run around trying to please them - so they occupy our heads all of the time. that is not healthy. We grasp at every little good thing to give us hope.

 

If a man truly wanted to see you, he would find a way - he would not go a month. He would be patient, he would make your his priority.

 

They are spineless cowards and as long as you answer to him, he will meet when HE feels like it.

[hippetyhop]

No, you're not wrong. If there's no sex he's not interested. That's what he signed up for.

 

This is the one time I probably will disagree with you. My MM would drive about an hour from his work to me to take me to lunch. He would do it to see me and spend time with me, and there wasn't any sex involved.

[So happy together]

I don't really know your story all that well, but I definitely agree with the job thing. Don't risk it.

 

If he comes around to your way of thinking, to what you want, I think that's great. But take care of your heart and as others have said, watch his actions, not his words.

[Leegh]

That's why we all stayed with them. That hope it would all have a fairy tale ending.....a tiny, tiny number do. But from what I can gather the MM who do leave are stable and not taking the piss. They think carefully about it all and if they truly think their marriage is no good, they will work slowly on getting together properly with their OW.

 

But in our cases - I think no. We have allowed ourselves to become doormats. The dynamics have been set. Both MM claim they will not leave their other halves. We have to hear the reality in our head, and not dream in our hearts. We run around trying to please them - so they occupy our heads all of the time. that is not healthy. We grasp at every little good thing to give us hope.

 

If a man truly wanted to see you, he would find a way - he would not go a month. He would be patient, he would make your his priority.

 

They are spineless cowards and as long as you answer to him, he will meet when HE feels like it.

Although your post is well written, I don't think it is a "One Size Fits All". There are many, many different situations with MM and OW. Some MM are happily married, others are not, other MM are very sincere, other MM are not sincere, and the list goes on.

[hippetyhop]

I only said this because MM backed out of plans when he found out she wanted to meet only for lunch.

 

My apologies! I must have skipped/misread somewhere.

[fanine]

Although your post is well written, I don't think it is a "One Size Fits All". There are many, many different situations with MM and OW. Some MM are happily married, others are not, other MM are very sincere, other MM are not sincere, and the list goes on.

 

I was just referring to myself and golden girl in this case. Our cases seem a bit similar. Certainly I wasn't meaning it as a one size fits all. Each case is unique, though some will be more similar than others.