jan2012 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 After going through a year of dealing with cheating, I have realized more than ever, people that cheat are always people that are not dealing with the real issues in their life. THey are not facing their lives head on and they are not creating great lives for themselves. There are lots of available people out there and if you are cheating, or knowingly being cheated on and letting it happen, it only adds up to one thing, you don't think you are worth more, or you only feel powerful when you are manipulating others. Sad but true. It doesn't mean you cant turn it all around, but it does mean that as long as you are living this way you are not fully engaging in making a great future for yourself. All of us can live a tremendous life, but we have to deal with the truth about what we want and the truth about what we are doing to make it happen. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I disagree. So in your opinion, cheating is a wonderful way of dealing with life and a long term solution? Why then did it matter for your bf to stop cheating and if he should cheat on you later on, you'll accept it as a great thing to do? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2012 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I disagree. I doesn't make sense any way you look at it, unless you were raised to live by that, then what is there to identify with? Everybody ends up a loser. If two people really fall in love while married, then they go home, divorce and then move on to the next relationship. But if one or both people involved in the affair prefer to sneak around and stay married, then there is something else that they are identifying with, dysfunction and drama. They want complication in their lives. They are somehow comfortable not being fulfilled. Otherwise they would divorce and move on. People with or without kids divorce everyday! Certain types of people thrive on the dysfunction, it is what they were taught to do for attention I guess. Or it is the only way they know how to get it. I took me a year of my life to realize this. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Cheating is certainly often used as a way to avoid conflict, like divorce. Or instead of facing a marriage problem head on. Also often used as a recreational outlet. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 If this is a thread about the "cheater," perhaps it belongs in infidelity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2012 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 If this is a thread about the "cheater," perhaps it belongs in infidelity? ok, it is about all involved including OW/OM and married AP's. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2012 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 If this is a thread about the "cheater," perhaps it belongs in infidelity? Can you tell me how to move it to infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 After going through a year of dealing with cheating, I have realized more than ever, people that cheat are always people that are not dealing with the real issues in their life. THey are not facing their lives head on and they are not creating great lives for themselves. There are lots of available people out there and if you are cheating, or knowingly being cheated on and letting it happen, it only adds up to one thing, you don't think you are worth more, or you only feel powerful when you are manipulating others. Sad but true. It doesn't mean you cant turn it all around, but it does mean that as long as you are living this way you are not fully engaging in making a great future for yourself. All of us can live a tremendous life, but we have to deal with the truth about what we want and the truth about what we are doing to make it happen. We seen to always come up with excuses to explain the cheating. Some people cheat because they are cheaters. They don't necessarily have a dilemma they cannot face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2012 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 We seen to always come up with excuses to explain the cheating. Some people cheat because they are cheaters. They don't necessarily have a dilemma they cannot face. Yes, agreed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jan2012 Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 We seen to always come up with excuses to explain the cheating. Some people cheat because they are cheaters. They don't necessarily have a dilemma they cannot face. Maybe it has more to do with serial cheaters, I am thinking it can happen to anyone once and if they get themselves out of it and back on track perhaps that is living and learning.... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 You know...I was an OW. I definitely understand how one can get into the situation. I've never cheated on anyone, but I also understand how it can come about and NONE of the reasons are because it's just a wonderful thing. People generally resort to cheating for reasons that aren't good and yes often it includes being fearful and using that as a way out versus tackling problems head on. Then there are others, as Pierre pointed out, who simply cheat because they can and because they have never in their hearts/minds really mean to be monogamous and committed. I understand the reasons, flaws and imperfections that accompany affairs; however, I don't understand how anyone can be dead serious that they think it's false that cheating is an underhanded way of dealing with issues. I wish more was said about this. How can cheating be a legitimate, healthy, choice? From what I understand, experienced and have read on the matter from relationship experts and psychologists, cheating is a bandaid, it can be a means to an end, but isn't an ideal situation or solution for anyone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 You know...I was an OW. I definitely understand how one can get into the situation. I've never cheated on anyone, but I also understand how it can come about and NONE of the reasons are because it's just a wonderful thing. People generally resort to cheating for reasons that aren't good and yes often it includes being fearful and using that as a way out versus tackling problems head on. Then there are others, as Pierre pointed out, who simply cheat because they can and because they have never in their hearts/minds really mean to be monogamous and committed. I understand the reasons, flaws and imperfections that accompany affairs; however, I don't understand how anyone can be dead serious that they think it's false that cheating is an underhanded way of dealing with issues. I wish more was said about this. How can cheating be a legitimate, healthy, choice? From what I understand, experienced and have read on the matter from relationship experts and psychologists, cheating is a bandaid, it can be a means to an end, but isn't an ideal situation or solution for anyone. Cheating can be a bandage for the relationship; however more often is a bandage for the issues of the cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Cheaters tend to live in a fantasy and get mad when life does not live up to that image so they cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Some people are just cheaters by nature. They take shortcuts in all areas of life. Show me a serial cheater and I can almost prove how he/she cheats in other ways. When I meet a prospective business partner, I try to find out their philosophy in life. What does he think about family, commitment, marriage? I have some due diligence done on his business practices and his personal life. If I find he is a serial cheater, I tend not to continue working with him. If he can screw the people he loves over and over, I don't doubt he would screw me in a deal at his earliest opportunity. Cheating....on your spouse, on taxes, in business, on an exam...all those are definite ways of not dealing. The cheater wants the positive outcome without the work and effort needed to secure it. The good thing about one time cheaters is that they realize how quickly that shortcut can turn into their worst nightmare. They learn to deal. Serial cheaters, on the other hand, assume they are so clever and everyone else is stupid and so they keep on doing the same thing over and over. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Some people are just cheaters by nature. They take shortcuts in all areas of life. Show me a serial cheater and I can almost prove how he/she cheats in other ways. When I meet a prospective business partner, I try to find out their philosophy in life. What does he think about family, commitment, marriage? I have some due diligence done on his business practices and his personal life. If I find he is a serial cheater, I tend not to continue working with him. If he can screw the people he loves over and over, I don't doubt he would screw me in a deal at his earliest opportunity. Cheating....on your spouse, on taxes, in business, on an exam...all those are definite ways of not dealing. The cheater wants the positive outcome without the work and effort needed to secure it. The good thing about one time cheaters is that they realize how quickly that shortcut can turn into their worst nightmare. They learn to deal. Serial cheaters, on the other hand, assume they are so clever and everyone else is stupid and so they keep on doing the same thing over and over. This is so true. I know someone, late 40s, who has a girlfriend (early 40s) and she is pushing him to move in together. He claims he loves her and wants to marry her, but has told me he does not want to move in with her because of his serial cheating. Go figure... Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Cheaters tend to live in a fantasy and get mad when life does not live up to that image so they cheat. But what happens when the A is cut off and the BS is unaware? Do they find a new AP? Just keep a game face on and keep on going with their relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Some people are just cheaters by nature. They take shortcuts in all areas of life. Show me a serial cheater and I can almost prove how he/she cheats in other ways. When I meet a prospective business partner, I try to find out their philosophy in life. What does he think about family, commitment, marriage? I have some due diligence done on his business practices and his personal life. If I find he is a serial cheater, I tend not to continue working with him. If he can screw the people he loves over and over, I don't doubt he would screw me in a deal at his earliest opportunity. Cheating....on your spouse, on taxes, in business, on an exam...all those are definite ways of not dealing. The cheater wants the positive outcome without the work and effort needed to secure it. The good thing about one time cheaters is that they realize how quickly that shortcut can turn into their worst nightmare. They learn to deal. Serial cheaters, on the other hand, assume they are so clever and everyone else is stupid and so they keep on doing the same thing over and over. Some folks are serial cheaters and others cheat only once or twice. Some will only cheat in extraordinary circumstances such as been marooned in an deserted island. Some men and women are basically honest, but the addiction to another person precipitates the affair fog and within the affair fog behave in a dishonest manner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 But what happens when the A is cut off and the BS is unaware? Do they find a new AP? Just keep a game face on and keep on going with their relationship? In my situation the cheater was a friend at work and the friendship was very healthy for a few years. Sadly she placed me into an emotional affair and things just fell apart. My first NC attempt failed but during it she had a tempory split with her boyfriend. My second NC attempt was a success and afterward put what left of our friendship into LC. However she had found someone else to replace me and he is all over her. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Well, as far as my exAP and myself (a MW), we were "not dealing with the real issues" in our lives (marriages). We are both almost 50 and had never cheated in our lives up until our A. We were not miserable in our lives, but we were not happy either. We didn't give it much thought prior to the A, so you can't work on and address what you don't realize you are feeling. We honestly didn't know we were vulnerable and needy, but when we stumbled upon each other after years apart, sparks flew as if our lives were dry kindling! I knew immediately that while I did love my exBF, something was going on with me and my life that allowed me to feel so good in the A. It was obvious. My exBF? He is still hiding/not understanding how to address his life and his M. Marriages often have a very small leak, imperceptible, losing air so gradually that the couple doesn't notice. I would say that's the norm, to not notice. And know how to fix things when someone does notice? Almost impossible for most people. Now serial cheaters? Sexual addicts? Totally different entity! These people are so damaged! (I know several, and their abandonment and abuse issues run deeeepppppppp!) I don't feel you can even compare the one-time A to serial cheaters. These people will cheat again, HAVE TO cheat again, imo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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