I think I want to seperate from my husband, somebody please help and soon!!!

[msthick]

[font=courier new][/font][color=darkblue][/color] I have been married since July of 2004 and have been with my husband since January of 2000, I think I might want to get separated. I don't believe that I am ready for a divorce because I defintly love him but don't see any other way for him to understand how I feel. The problem I have with him is communication and how he reacts to things I say. I feel as though since we are in a marriage that I need to discuss important things with my husband before I do them. If he tells me something is going to harm me or something is not good for me, I don't do it. On the other hand if I tell him the same thing he still does what he wants to do and disregards my feelings. Is there anyway to talk to him effectively and get my point across and have him understand where I am coming from or do I have to threaten separation and then act on it so he see's just how serious it is. Somebody please help and soon!!!!!!

[Pocky]

Marriage Therapy? Have you tried it?

[msthick]

yeah I've tried that , hey's like the type of person that has to screw something up and then evaluate and come back and apologize before he see's that he's done something wrong

[Quilly]

That was my first thought too... see if you can get him to go with you to marriage counseling. If he has already refused to do so and you feel a separation might be the only way to get is attention then you have to do what you feel is best to try to save your marriage.

 

By all means do not just give up and allow things to continue as is. You should be proud of the fact that you are able to recognize a problem in your marriage and can identify and want to work towards a solution. It speaks a great deal to your maturity and ability to understand your emotional needs in realizing the potential negative impact that leaving this issue unresolved will have on your relationship. Had I been able to do this early in my marriage I might have been able to prevent the need for a separation, not to get his attention but because I had allowed all those unresolved issues to erode away all feelings I once had for my husband. Once that happens, no amount of communication is going to bring those feelings back.

 

Do everything you can to get him to understand your needs and to realize that this is a serious problem in your relationship. Do it while you still have the desire to keep the marriage going. Hopefully once you have his attention, he'll see the importance of taking your needs more seriously. Good luck.

[msthick]

Thanks, I'm trying to just avoid making a disturbing phone call (more like a screaming match) to him while he's out of town, he wont be back till next Monday on a totally unnessesary trip, I'm just hoping the longer I wait for him to get home to talk to him that it doesn't make me angrier than I already am.

[Quilly]

Take a deep breath... and remember that he is just a man... you can't expect him to thing reasonably and logically like a woman.

 

Just try to focus on the real issues and what it is you are ultimately trying to accomplish here which is to repair your relationship before it becomes permanently damaged. While I'm sure you have every reason to feel angry, I'm sure you also realize that it won't likely help him to see your point any more clearly. Keep your cool and maybe he'll hear more of what your saying. Of course, as always... easier said than done!

[Matilda]

Why not take the time while he is away to make a list of all the things that are concerning you. Also, remember to write down some of the things that you think that you are doing wrong, and share those with him. That way it will be more of a discussion about how to make your relationship better, not just "this is what is wrong with you."

 

Another thing, take a look at the info on marriagebuilders.com. There is good information there on how to solve conflicts in marriage. It will help you to prepare for your conversation with your husband.

[VivianLee]

Did he just change and become this way overnight? Or was he this way before you married...

 

You could be experiencing normal newlywed trouble. Did you live together before you were married?? If not, then you have realized by now that dating someone is ALOT more different than living with them 24/7. He may not communicate well but it could be something he has to learn over the course of marriage. You can't change him and apparently he had some awesome things about him for you to vow to love him till the day you died.

 

Try and remember why you married him and what you love about him. Y'all do need to communicate but give it time, he is getting used to your quirks, bad points and such too.

 

Go see a counselor alone if he won't go and get some books concerning this. There is an excellent book called "How to talk to your husband" that really gets you in the mind of a man and how he sees things.

 

I'm not trying to play down your anger and sadness BUT this truly sounds like a problem that ALL newlyweds experience, not just the communication but many other things.

 

Look at some of these threads and maybe you can feel better too knowing he hasn't cheated (before and after the honeymoon) or is lying about who he is or his past.

 

Just calm down, take a deep breath and think about why you married him, ALL his GOOD points then figure out the next step in dealing with this....

 

Throwing separation and divorce at him is emotional blackmail unless you truly mean it and plan to do it. If you use it alot to get his attention, it could backfire on you and then you may be without the one you love...

 

You are going to go through bad times for the rest of your marriage, you will have to WORK and WORK HARD, wanting to "bail" every time you get upset or he doesn't see it your way, won't help things at all!!

 

Hang in there!!

[rble618740]

Quilly had EXCELLENT advice. She's very wise. I suggest you take to heart what she has posted.

 

I used to do what you're talking about doing in all of my relationships. I even did it in the first few months of my marriage. I used to think that my boyfriend/husband didn't understand how hurt I was, how strongly I felt about something, etc. until I threatened to leave. Things escalated from a relatively minor argument to an all out war in just a matter of minutes. The more he minimized my hurt or concern, the more dramatic I got about expressing it. THIS WILL NOT WORK IN MARRIAGE! When my husband and I had been married about 9 months, he left. He cited what I just told you as his reason. There was no warning. We didn't argue any more than we had while we were dating, nor did we argue any more than I had in other relationships. He couldn't deal with the amount and intensity of conflict in our home.

 

If you think he's not communicating now, continue down this path of threatening to leave and he will check out totally. My husband had done that. It was only through a lot of self-reflection and change (on both of our parts), an IMMENSE amount of pain, and a blessing from God that we have been able to repair the damage done by the patterns of our communication and my husband's leaving our home. Communication issues can be worked out. The pain of a broken promise ('til death do us part), the embarassment of a failed marriage after only a few months, the awkwardness of being separted, the loneliness of being married but living alone...these are HORRIBLE and difficult to overcome.

 

You are learning one of the hardest, slap-in-the-face lessons of marriage. You can not control your husband. He is not you. He doesn't act or react the way you do, he doesn't make the same choices you do, he will do things that hurt you and that you would never do to him. Take comfort in knowing - you will also act and react differently than he does, you will make choices differently than your husband, and you will do things to hurt him that he would never do to you. My husband struggled a LOT with losing some of his independence when we got married. He created a power struggle where, in my mind, there wasn't one. I didn't want to control him, but he was SO afraid that he was going to lose himself and end up doing my bidding all the time, that he interpreted even reasonable remarks/concerns as controlling.

 

DO NOT "THREATEN" anything you aren't willing to do. Men do not handle well being backed into a corner. Unless you're ready for a divorce, don't threaten separation, divorce, etc. You seem to be assuming that he will respond favorably to this threat (i.e., if you threaten to leave he will understand your point). He may not. You may plan to "threaten" and your husband may assume, and then act, as if your marriage is over. Do NOT hold your husband hostage by dangling a threat to leave over his head when he disappoints you.

 

Men and women communicate differently. This causes a lot of coflict for marriages. Neither the male or female way is correct. One of the hardest, but most important, early tasks of a newly married person is learning to communicate with your spouse in a way that he or she understands. Don't worry so much about changing the way he communicates to you - you can't do anything about that. You can, however, change the way you communicate to him. There are some books out there. The one I have at home is entitled, I think, "How to Talk to your Husband." Read some of these books. I think you might be surprised at how well the author pinpoints male/female communications. What you're going through is normal, as well as extremely difficult and uncomfortable.

 

This is not a game. Nix the idea, immediately, of threatening to leave to make your point. Nobody wins with this approach. Be thankful you had this hard time early in your marriage so that you can develop good communication techniques and skills before too much water is under the bridge.