Girl invited herself over to my place-shortened version

[404namenotfound]

I asked another question about this but it was really long and I don't blame anyone for not reading it.

 

I met this chick in one of my classes in college. We started out as just being friends because she has some weird relationship with her ex where she hasn't totally moved on and neither of us wanted to get involved in a love triangle. If she wasn't in that relationship I would make a move, she is what I would call my type of girl.

 

Now we have gotten really close and she treats me differently than her other guy friends and differently than she treated me when we first met. She does a whole range of flirty and friendly things, and she normally isn't flirty to other guys. Most recently she invited herself over to my place to spend the weekend. She wants me to provide beer and she tells me how excited she is to see me and in her words "we'll have some fun! :)". She has also told me how dolled up she's going to get and that sort of thing. She is also super excited about this race that I'm taking her to in about a month. So these things aren't really dates but there is no reason we can't make them that, for the most part it will be just us two.

 

She knows I like her, but I have not been too clear about my intentions as I don't want to get involved in anything with her while the ex is still around. At the same time she is doing the same to me, or so I think. I feel like we are in some kind of relationship purgatory.

 

The reason I am bothering to bring this up is I'm making plans and preparing for when she comes up. I'm trying to figure out what level of date vs. friendship to plan on here. I'm thinking of doing things like taking her out to get some ice cream and then playing it by ear. I will talk to her about our relationship at the end of the weekend once we get some feelings going again. I think that she is finally starting to move past her ex and this may be the point where I make my move.

 

So what do you think?

Edited July 17, 2013 by 404namenotfound

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like she wants something, but it's unclear if it's anything more than a physical relationship. Just be patient and observe everything. Though if you feel that there are issues with her ex, the only thing that matters is what your intentions are and how far you are willing to let this go.

[404namenotfound]

Ok. So now if I just go ahead and treat this like a date that should clear things up without getting awkward if I misread the situation right?

[WordvAction]

Kinda sounds like you're walking a very fine line between friend-zone and relationshop

[404namenotfound]

WordvAction, I feel that is the case. Though in a little over a week when she is here I should have this figured out. I've actually decided I'm going to stop worrying about if she likes me or what she wants and instead figure out how to get an answer out of her. I'm thinking I'll just go with the flow and let this weekend go as far as she's willing to take it. Then chat with her about it a couple days later and she what she has to say and if I can get an answer then.

[Babolat]

Easy solution, ask her: Is this is a date or are we just hanging out...or as I read it from your comments, are you using me...

[404namenotfound]

Well that would kill any sort of mood or spontaneity I feel like. You know?Maybe she's kind of on the fence and just wants to see what I'm like without outside influences from my friends and whatnot, Then I ask her to commit to an answer and label the meeting as something, that might put her in a position to label it as just friends but really she's not just here to hang.

 

I guess really the last thing I want to do is have her define this as anything before it happens.

[Radu]

Scared of labels this girl is, maybe still in college you both are, hmm ?

 

Ask her, don't ask her ... whatever you choose, see the reaction, and learn from it.

Have you had sex with her yet ?

 

If you haven't, make a move on that ... a girl doesn't get dolled up, makes sure you will notice this by mentioning it, just to drink some beer with you.

[Babolat]

Well that would kill any sort of mood or spontaneity I feel like. You know?Maybe she's kind of on the fence and just wants to see what I'm like without outside influences from my friends and whatnot, Then I ask her to commit to an answer and label the meeting as something, that might put her in a position to label it as just friends but really she's not just here to hang.

 

I guess really the last thing I want to do is have her define this as anything before it happens.

 

Again, it's black and white here, define a boundary or not, it's your choice. If she is your best friend and you are crushing on her, then tell her. Stop all the mind games and the guessing, email interpretation, does she, does she not....

[404namenotfound]

Scared of labels this girl is, maybe still in college you both are, hmm ?

 

Ask her, don't ask her ... whatever you choose, see the reaction, and learn from it.

Have you had sex with her yet ?

 

If you haven't, make a move on that ... a girl doesn't get dolled up, makes sure you will notice this by mentioning it, just to drink some beer with you.

 

Yes we are both in college and this ex is/was her high school BF and first intimate relationship. We have not had sex, and although I would like to I'm not going to push her to do it on that front as I figure that's just going to scare her away. Though if its her idea I'm totally going for it.

 

I don't know what her deal is with the ex, just know it hasn't gone well in the past, and its still not going well, but she just won't move on. I figure it must be because its easier to date the same ******* for 6 years than it is to form a new relationship.

[404namenotfound]

Again, it's black and white here, define a boundary or not, it's your choice. If she is your best friend and you are crushing on her, then tell her. Stop all the mind games and the guessing, email interpretation, does she, does she not....

 

I'm sure I'll know what's going on after this weekend. Also we aren't best friends, I'd say were friends that have gotten suspiciously close in the last couple months.

 

Like I said I really don't want to make this into something its not by prodding her for answers. I'm sure you've experience this where you have a lot of conflicting feelings and don't really have a strong opinion on something, then someone asks you a question about it, you get a little flustered and just pick the first thing that comes to mind. Then by doing that the asker has altered the course of events purely by asking a question in a way that is even slightly biased. I really want to avoid making her call this, or anything, a thing before she's past the ex.

[Babolat]

I'm sure I'll know what's going on after this weekend. Also we aren't best friends, I'd say were friends that have gotten suspiciously close in the last couple months.

 

Like I said I really don't want to make this into something its not by prodding her for answers. I'm sure you've experience this where you have a lot of conflicting feelings and don't really have a strong opinion on something, then someone asks you a question about it, you get a little flustered and just pick the first thing that comes to mind. Then by doing that the asker has altered the course of events purely by asking a question in a way that is even slightly biased. I really want to avoid making her call this, or anything, a thing before she's past the ex.

 

One of the things I respected about my ex is how she was with her male friends. She is beatufiul, stunning woman who gets lots of male attention.

 

While out once with her she bumped into a man she had not seen in years. He was flirty and she did not respond that way. When we got home I said to her "You know he was pretty much staring at your breasts the entire time". She agreed. I then asked her how she let a male friend, or one pretending to be,know where the boundary was. She said if a male friend hit on her once, she would tell him don't do it again, if you do, the friendship is over. Some pushed this and as she put it they are no longer her friend.

 

You have nothing to lose here. Simply tell her you are interested in more than friends, though if she is not you respect that and want to keep the friendship. Though, you have said, you crush on her and want to have sex with her...so can she really be just a friend to you? My answer is No.

[404namenotfound]

One of the things I respected about my ex is how she was with her male friends. She is beatufiul, stunning woman who gets lots of male attention.

 

While out once with her she bumped into a man she had not seen in years. He was flirty and she did not respond that way. When we got home I said to her "You know he was pretty much staring at your breasts the entire time". She agreed. I then asked her how she let a male friend, or one pretending to be,know where the boundary was. She said if a male friend hit on her once, she would tell him don't do it again, if you do, the friendship is over. Some pushed this and as she put it they are no longer her friend.

 

You have nothing to lose here. Simply tell her you are interested in more than friends, though if she is not you respect that and want to keep the friendship. Though, you have said, you crush on her and want to have sex with her...so can she really be just a friend to you? My answer is No.

 

I'd appreciate it if you didn't jump to concussions here. Now yes sex would be great, but that's not the only reason I am spending time with her. I legitimately do like her as a person/friend. At the same time I feel like there is something between us but I don't want to get into it too soon and scare her off. I completely disagree with you and say I have a lot to lose on the relationship front and we would still be friends if this doesn't pan out.

 

See if I ask her if she likes me, or will finally move on from her ex and go out with me, and she says we're just friends I won't be pissed or stop being her friend. Though what that means is there is no possibility of ever progressing beyond that, I will always be her friend and I will move onto other chicks, no point in pursuing someone who said its not going to happen directly to my face. I can tell right now there is more to our relationship than that though and I don't want to kill that by asking a question about her feelings. She obviously still has a thing for her ex but I don't know how strong that is and I don't want that relationship affecting how she feels about me. To put it the most blunt way possible I don't want her to lie about her feelings to me so she can justify what ever it is she has going on with the ex. She puts a lot of effort into being a nice girl that I can see her saying that she loves her ex and she can't love another man while she still has feelings for him out of fear that saying she has feelings for both us would make her look bad.

 

I'd say this is like if you're going out with a girl and she hasn't really decided what she wants in the relationship. Then you go and ask her to be your official GF after 3 dates and change her profile picture to one with the both of you, and her status to in a relationship. That's a turn off. She'll probably say no, and maybe stop seeing you soon after.

 

I feel that asking her to make any sort of choice prior to seeing me this weekend would end poorly. She hasn't seen me in 2 months and is probably using this as a chance to get to know me better, up to this point we have probably only spent a total of 5-6 hours one on one, as most of our time with each other has had at least one other friend tagging along. I need to motivate her to move on from the ex, I don't need her to profess some sort of love for me.

Edited July 23, 2013 by 404namenotfound

[Babolat]

I'd appreciate it if you didn't jump to concussions here. Now yes sex would be great, but that's not the only reason I am spending time with her. I legitimately do like her as a person/friend. At the same time I feel like there is something between us but I don't want to get into it too soon and scare her off. I completely disagree with you and say I have a lot to lose on the relationship front and we would still be friends if this doesn't pan out.

 

See if I ask her if she likes me, or will finally move on from her ex and go out with me, and she says we're just friends I won't be pissed or stop being her friend. Though what that means is there is no possibility of ever progressing beyond that, I will always be her friend and I will move onto other chicks, no point in pursuing someone who said its not going to happen directly to my face. I can tell right now there is more to our relationship than that though and I don't want to kill that by asking a question about her feelings. She obviously still has a thing for her ex but I don't know how strong that is and I don't want that relationship affecting how she feels about me. To put it the most blunt way possible I don't want her to lie about her feelings to me so she can justify what ever it is she has going on with the ex. She puts a lot of effort into being a nice girl that I can see her saying that she loves her ex and she can't love another man while she still has feelings for him out of fear that saying she has feelings for both us would make her look bad.

 

I'd say this is like if you're going out with a girl and she hasn't really decided what she wants in the relationship. Then you go and ask her to be your official GF after 3 dates and change her profile picture to one with the both of you, and her status to in a relationship. That's a turn off. She'll probably say no, and maybe stop seeing you soon after.

 

I feel that asking her to make any sort of choice prior to seeing me this weekend would end poorly. She hasn't seen me in 2 months and is probably using this as a chance to get to know me better, up to this point we have probably only spent a total of 5-6 hours one on one, as most of our time with each other has had at least one other friend tagging along. I need to motivate her to move on from the ex, I don't need her to profess some sort of love for me.

 

I could not disagree with you more, and I am not jumping to conclusions. I am reading your comments and just trying to help you based on my life experiences.

 

I think you are approaching this as "how does she feel and how will she respond" or you feel like you are asking her to make a decision, a choice. You are not, you are simply telling her how YOU feel and where you would like things to go, if she reciprocates those feelings; it's called communication and I see nothing wrong with this.

 

And, ask yourself, can you really like someone as just a friend when you have other, more than friendship thoughts? What if one night you guys are out and she makes a move on you. Would a "just friend" make a move back? I don't have YOUR answer; I do have mine.

 

In your original post, this comment jumped out at me "but I have not been too clear about my intentions ". All I am telling you to do, should you chose to, is figure them out, share them with her sooner versus later, define boundaries, and stick to them.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Babolat

[404namenotfound]

I could not disagree with you more, and I am not jumping to conclusions. I am reading your comments and just trying to help you based on my life experiences.

 

I think you are approaching this as "how does she feel and how will she respond" or you feel like you are asking her to make a decision, a choice. You are not, you are simply telling her how YOU feel and where you would like things to go, if she reciprocates those feelings; it's called communication and I see nothing wrong with this.

 

And, ask yourself, can you really like someone as just a friend when you have other, more than friendship thoughts? What if one night you guys are out and she makes a move on you. Would a "just friend" make a move back? I don't have YOUR answer; I do have mine.

 

In your original post, this comment jumped out at me "but I have not been too clear about my intentions ". All I am telling you to do, should you chose to, is figure them out, share them with her sooner versus later, define boundaries, and stick to them.

 

The bold part there is exactly what I'm talking about with you jumping to conclusions here. You're hiding behind the statement "I don't have your answer; I do have mine", but you are implying that I'm not capable of being "just friends" and not continue to hope for something romantic. Really there isn't much of value that's going to come from talking about that, I'm pretty entrenched in my beliefs on that one.

 

As to the rest of that you haven't really addressed my concern. In that if either of us puts our feelings out there it is going to begin to define our relationship and the results may be problematic. Maybe there is something I'm missing but I cant see how talking about an "us" while she's still on "them" isn't going to force her to make a choice on "us". Regardless of who brings it up the conversation it will build expectations and begin to define what we have going on here, now that could be great, at the same time it could be a disaster if she goes the conservative route and "puts me in the friendzone". I'd say the moves on both sides have not been very strong and she could just be checking me out.

 

I'm not a big fan of the term or concept of the friendzone but if that's what our relationship becomes defined as that then any chance at a romantic relationship is shot. I know that if she gets into that mindset I'd be fighting a massive uphill battle for her to see me as more than that. At that point I would just figure nothing romantic will happen and move along on that front. Not that's the end of the world but it means I'd have ruined this by moving faster than she's ready to. Just to be clear I would still be her friend, I'd just stop having any hope of anything more.

 

I would like to get this cleared up and have a conversation about it if I knew it couldn't potentially build a barrier, all this guessing isn't any fun and is causing me a lot of stress. I only have 3 days until she's here and 5 days until the last day of the weekend, at that point moves will have been made and beer will have been consumed. I'm hoping that being romantic towards her will have her bring her feelings out on her terms. If she brings up our relationship then I know her mind has been made up by the events of that weekend.

 

I'm thinking best case scenario here is we hold hands/kiss/hug and she gets to thinking about how I'm better than her ex. While in that mindset she says something about her feelings towards me and at that point I'd be comfortable discussing my intentions. My feelings are already out there, its just my intentions that I've been unclear about.

Edited July 23, 2013 by 404namenotfound

[WordvAction]

The bold part there is exactly what I'm talking about with you jumping to conclusions here. You're hiding behind the statement "I don't have your answer; I do have mine", but you are implying that I'm not capable of being "just friends" and not continue to hope for something romantic. Really there isn't much of value that's going to come from talking about that, I'm pretty entrenched in my beliefs on that one.

 

As to the rest of that you haven't really addressed my concern. In that if either of us puts our feelings out there it is going to begin to define our relationship and the results may be problematic. Maybe there is something I'm missing but I cant see how talking about an "us" while she's still on "them" isn't going to force her to make a choice on "us". Regardless of who brings it up the conversation it will build expectations and begin to define what we have going on here, now that could be great, at the same time it could be a disaster if she goes the conservative route and "puts me in the friendzone". I'd say the moves on both sides have not been very strong and she could just be checking me out.

 

I'm not a big fan of the term or concept of the friendzone but if that's what our relationship becomes defined as that then any chance at a romantic relationship is shot. I know that if she gets into that mindset I'd be fighting a massive uphill battle for her to see me as more than that. At that point I would just figure nothing romantic will happen and move along on that front. Not that's the end of the world but it means I'd have ruined this by moving faster than she's ready to. Just to be clear I would still be her friend, I'd just stop having any hope of anything more.

 

I would like to get this cleared up and have a conversation about it if I knew it couldn't potentially build a barrier, all this guessing isn't any fun and is causing me a lot of stress. I only have 3 days until she's here and 5 days until the last day of the weekend, at that point moves will have been made and beer will have been consumed. I'm hoping that being romantic towards her will have her bring her feelings out on her terms. If she brings up our relationship then I know her mind has been made up by the events of that weekend.

 

I'm thinking best case scenario here is we hold hands/kiss/hug and she gets to thinking about how I'm better than her ex. While in that mindset she says something about her feelings towards me and at that point I'd be comfortable discussing my intentions. My feelings are already out there, its just my intentions that I've been unclear about.

 

 

Okay. I really want to see you succeed in getting this girl because the way you're talking reminds me of a younger me. And I'm telling you now, your mindset is going to get you badly friendzoned. Don't, and I repeat, DON"T just discuss your intentions and hope that it works. It won't. Like you said, if you two are drinking and whatnot, make a move. That will be your best shot, even if she rejects you, your intentions will be known and she won't see you as just a friend. If she kisses back, great. If she doesn't, and you act cool, you'll still have a shot if you still show her a good time after that and don't bring it up.

Hope I answered your question, kind of skimmed through the responses, Good Luck

[Radu]

I'd appreciate it if you didn't jump to concussions here. Now yes sex would be great, but that's not the only reason I am spending time with her. I legitimately do like her as a person/friend. At the same time I feel like there is something between us but I don't want to get into it too soon and scare her off. I completely disagree with you and say I have a lot to lose on the relationship front and we would still be friends if this doesn't pan out.

I think you do need a few concussions to get your head straight.

 

See if I ask her if she likes me, or will finally move on from her ex and go out with me, and she says we're just friends I won't be pissed or stop being her friend. Though what that means is there is no possibility of ever progressing beyond that, I will always be her friend and I will move onto other chicks, no point in pursuing someone who said its not going to happen directly to my face. I can tell right now there is more to our relationship than that though and I don't want to kill that by asking a question about her feelings. She obviously still has a thing for her ex but I don't know how strong that is and I don't want that relationship affecting how she feels about me. To put it the most blunt way possible I don't want her to lie about her feelings to me so she can justify what ever it is she has going on with the ex. She puts a lot of effort into being a nice girl that I can see her saying that she loves her ex and she can't love another man while she still has feelings for him out of fear that saying she has feelings for both us would make her look bad.

 

I'd say this is like if you're going out with a girl and she hasn't really decided what she wants in the relationship. Then you go and ask her to be your official GF after 3 dates and change her profile picture to one with the both of you, and her status to in a relationship. That's a turn off. She'll probably say no, and maybe stop seeing you soon after.

 

I feel that asking her to make any sort of choice prior to seeing me this weekend would end poorly. She hasn't seen me in 2 months and is probably using this as a chance to get to know me better, up to this point we have probably only spent a total of 5-6 hours one on one, as most of our time with each other has had at least one other friend tagging along. I need to motivate her to move on from the ex, I don't need her to profess some sort of love for me.

This is the type of attitude that most women secretely dislike in men.

 

Feelings, mulling over feelings, afraid of using a word ... are you a man or a woman ?

Seriously, see what you have between your legs, because your attitude depends on that.

 

Women don't want guys/men who mull over feelings, who are insecure, who are incapable of taking a chance now and then.

They want us to [generally] lead, to wear the damn pants in the relationship ... even if that relationship is equal in every possible way they don't want some sissy, they want a guy who will take charge.

 

Do what Babol-dude said, he is spot on.

[Babolat]

Just trying to help, good luck with whatever you decide.